


They Know Me

by Kirric (Kirrithian)



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Blindness, Branding, Cracked Gems, Depression, Eye Trauma, Gen, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Minor Bismuth, Minor Character Death, Minor Little Larimar, Minor lapis, Minor peridot, Nightmares, No Blood, PTSD, Pearl isn't herself, Self Harm, Trauma, Whump, medical consent, mental trauma, no not one of those characters cus spoilers, only implied swearing, tw medical consent, tw self harm in chapters 12 & 13 and minor in chapter 14
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-04
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:19:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 30
Words: 124,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22120177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kirrithian/pseuds/Kirric
Summary: The gems are left reeling as without any warning a senseless attack on Pearl's gem leaves her permanently injured.As Pearl struggles to cope with the aftermath, the others find themselves in a tricky situation when they discover there's more to this than meets the eye.Pearl's future hangs in the balance. They know the truth, but she can't.
Relationships: Pearl/Rose Quartz (Steven Universe)
Comments: 120
Kudos: 174





	1. The Attack

_They went for her gem._

Pearl had been walking up the beach. It was a nice evening and she'd noticed the volleyball pitches needed resetting, so she'd taken out a rake and set to work as the sun set, humming as she went.

"Excuse me Miss Pearl?"

"Yes?" Pearl straightened and turned towards the voice, a swoosh of air and a brief glimpse of an orange and black spiked blur her only warning before the weapon landed with a CRACK square across her eyes. The force of the blow sent her tumbling backwards head over heels several times before she crumpled to a halt face down in the sand, dazed and reeling from the shock and pain, the tears that tried to come burning as they seeped into fresh cracks in her face.

What? What had...?

Her thoughts filled with a buzzing as some adrenaline kicked in and she lifted her head up away from the sand, desperately trying to blink the darkness clear to see her attackers, but it only sent a fresh wave of pain ricocheting through, her wince adding in on the agony as a myriad of cracks complained. A hint of a cool breeze played across her face, the chill sting only confirming that she'd been blinded. Her head throbbed around it too, battered back and front where she caught the sand on the way over and her neck ached, complaining keenly at the treatment it'd received. She relented, letting her head drop back into the sand, wincing from the pang of new pain that elicited, but it was unavoidable, and she just let it mount up with the rest. With such damage she knew she would simply dissipate. And it wasn't so bad. At least down here the sand was cool and started to take the edge off the stomach churning pain.

Even so the throbbing still knocked her thoughts apart, robbing her of her focus, her self control, leaving her lying prone on the beach even as her thoughts scrambled together to wonder why she hadn't poofed yet. Alarm bells rang and she screamed at herself to fight against the sickening pain and move, to get up again, or to call for help: Something! The others were only in the beach house, they would surely hear her and come running to her side.

Footsteps came closer, giving her scant warning before they bodily picked her up, hanging her off the scruff of her jacket, thick fingers poking straight in and rubbing across her face, the rough hands catching against the cracks and she whimpered as the movement sent sharp jabs of fresh pain through her head.

"See? Right across the eyes. Told you I could make the shot. Cracked the gem too, just as you asked."

"All right, all right."

Cracked? In the stabbing darkness Pearl wasn't entirely surprised, and she used the knowledge to focus, narrowing down the pain and push past it and call out to the others, to raise the alarm. "G-!" A hand immediately clamped down over her mouth, stifling her cry.

"Oh no you don't." She was slammed down into the sand again and a heavy knee pressed against her chest, keeping her pinned. "Hurry up and get the device on her." Pearl fought, flailing against her assailant in the darkness, hoping to get a lucky hit in, but they bounced off the large body to no avail. She tried dissipating again, but the cold burn of the crack in her gem was enough to render it impossible.

She could only hope that one of the gems, someone, anyone, would come out and see her, raise the alarm.

Something pressed against her gem and she flicked her head, slipping out from under it. They tried again, and she kept moving her head furiously to keep away from it until the second attacker complained, and they grabbed her head, thick fingers holding tight through her hair and ramming it into the sand, leaning onto it to hold it in place. The device came down again, thick rubber and metal pressing tight against her gem, the wave of pain as it pushed against the cracks making her gag. The gem on top of her almost pulled their hand away from her mouth but were stopped, so frustratingly close.

"You'll need to keep that on there for this." Whoever that second gem was, the unfamiliar voice, Pearl thought she sounded rather too smug about it. The device pressed in a little and emitted a high pitched whir.

Then **pain**.

Pearl screamed, as what felt like three hot pokers drilled into her gem, the sound muffled then cut short by a knee across the neck. The vibrating whirr of the drills filled her head and she struggled, then went limp, her mind turning inwards trying to flee the damage as they bored deeper.

Everything was a mess, all of her things scattered across the floor. She heard screaming: herself cowering in the corner, arms over her head. Dark cracks were breaking into the once bright mindscape, growing and expanding, wearing through the shell. She looked around in desperation for something that could stop this onslaught, only to catch sight of a stream of papers falling through a crack into darkness, old drawings of Steven's. How much more would she lose? The world tilted around her, spilling her onto a small fragment and she clung on. She closed her eyes and focused, opening them to find herself on the beach once more.

A moments hope overtook her and she thought she might be home, woken up from this nightmare. Turning she saw The Temple, and the truth of things. Devoid of a house and bisected by a large expanse of nothing, the cracks grew again and raced towards her. Maybe the other gems could help her here. She called out, "Garnet, Amethyst! Help me!" The world shook, and a new pang of pain accompanied the creep of the cracks.

"Cut that out."

Her hearing flickered, the sound coming through thin and choppy from beyond and she flung herself towards it, holding onto it and pulling herself up against the tide of pain, the voices coming clearer as she drew closer.

"You better hurry up, or we'll be caught."

"I can't hurry it up. It's not my fault she's being stubborn."

A flash of pride flooded through Pearl, spurring her onwards. Anything that bought her time was good news. The complaining gem grumbled something indistinct, earning a sharp comeback from her companion.

"If you're so desperate about it we can take her back to the ship."

Pearl's stomach lurched. If they took her off-world... She looked around, a small part of her absently noting how the pain from the drills hadn't faded, just become consistent. She scratched at her gem, in a desperate attempt to push the intrusion, the itch away, but it wasn't possible, it wasn't right, it wasn't here. But the damage was, acute, fragments of scenery scattered swirling across the darkness in some surreal dance of mirrors, hypnotising her, distracting her for a moment, making her unsure where to turn. Too long. A crack appeared beneath her and she found herself falling, crashing through memory after memory into the depths of her mind, reaching out trying to hold onto the fragments as a wind blew up, tossing them about her, smashing them into smithereens again and again.

Crack, crack, crack, crack.

She tried to focus on one single memory, a thought, a place, a face, but each time with a pang of pain and a crack! it was torn away. She heard whispering, shadows moving in the darkness around. Intruders, she thought, though she wasn't sure why. The wind was howling, filling every inch of herself, throwing everything into disarray as it screamed.

"Who's there?" She found herself spear in hand and jabbed outwards, catching a flying memory, the brief snap of colour and sound sending her reeling. She clung on, her knuckles white over the spear, the handle so solid, so familiar, so real under her palms. Yet she still fell, further and further into the darkness.

"Nearly there."

"Can we adjust it a little? There's one more thing I want to do. Let's call it a personal gift."

"Sure, why not."

The conversation continued into the distance, the sound faded to barely a buzz. Pearl reached out, barely able to see her memories flying above her, her fingertips tracing the random flights. She was sure one or two were flying across with more certainty, but she could have just as easily have imagined it far down here, so distant from herself. The darkness grew, and still memories cracked around her, fragments of fragments of fragments, to dust, all of them streaming away from her. Even her spear crumbled away in her hands, that last solid mainstay disappearing the same way as everything else, then that memory too, leaving her clutching thin air without knowing why.

Her thoughts fragmented around her, words crumbling away from each other. She was coming undone. She fought against it, trying to piece together her name, her purpose, anything but it kept fading away. One last coherent thought tied itself together and crossed her mind.

Is this what shattering feels like?

Then everything went black, and she was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter updated 02.02.2020  
> Smoothed out phrasing in first couple of paragraphs.


	2. The Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven's shape-shifting training with Garnet and Amethyst is rudely interrupted.

"Steven you gotta concentrate, suck that gut in and think cat."

Amethyst gave him a demonstration, shrinking down into a cat and back again.

"Here." Garnet held up Cat Steven. "You can use Cat Steven as inspiration." Cat Steven blinked her one blue eye and miaowed.

"What if I'm just not a cat person?" Steven looked distraught, letting out a sigh and scratched the cat's head, getting an appreciative knead and a small purr. The three of them, plus cat, had holed themselves up in the beach house, determined to finally get Steven over his particular cat shapeshifting block and beyond catfingers, a task long overdue now that he seemed to have mastered most other shapeshifting.

"You can do this!" Amethyst encouraged him. "It'll be fine when you're feline!" she said, eliciting a long-suffering groan from Steven.

"Be the cat," Garnet declared, nodding sagely.

"Miaow!" Cat Steven added.

"Alright," Steven shifted his feet, "here goes." He took a deep breath...

...and bailed, hopping around stretching and balling his hands. "You did fill the bath didn't you?"

"Yes!" Amethyst groaned for the umpteenth time "and the buckets, and the sink,"

"And the sloop," Garnet pointed out, and sure enough the ship was sat next to the warp pad, filled to the brim with water. A loud rumble made the surface of the water quiver, the gems looking around at the shaking house as the sound rose to a roar, loud cracks of breaking glass over the entrance forcing them to retreat inwards.

"Ugh! We keep telling the gems to use the warp pads but nooo," Amethyst complained, "there's always someone who insists on riding by in their nice fancy ship with their fancy warp engines ruining our-" the roar cut out just as Amethyst yelled at the top of her voice, "-nice fancy windows!" A few leftover pieces of glass pinged as they dropped out their frame, and she looked at the broken remnants. "That wasn't me."

A loud crash cut her off, making them jump as something shot through the roof into the living room, leaving a splintered hole behind, hitting the opposite wall with a bang and dropping down into the corner of the house just out of sight. The sound of falling objects tumbling from the broken shelves greeted them in the aftermath, still underscored by the occasional crack and plink! from the windows. Remembering the last time something "dropped in" they drew their weapons and as a team they slowly approached, peering through the dust to find out what had hit them so abruptly and interrupted their lesson.

Steven's breath caught. "Pearl!" She was lying crumpled on her side with her back to them, unmoving, her form covered in scrapes from the impact and strange, unnatural black blotches. Were they bruises? Or some sort of burn from the fall? Steven blinked his eyes and edged closer, letting out a gasp as he realised it was blocks of text, words, spelt out in alternating lines of English and gem glyph. He had attempted to learn to read the glyphs not that long ago, toughing out hours of Pearl's lessons trying to get his head around the nuances of each shape and their meaning in effort to understand them, with little apparent success but he had no need to here as there, right across the star on her back, spelt out in the biggest bold letters was the word 'TRAITOR' emblazoned for all to see.

It was repeated all over her body, picked out black against her pale skin, white against her darker jeans, marking her over and over again. The numerous scrapes, cuts, and bruises from the rough landing in some places looked as if to strike out the accusations and in others underlined them, and for every single one Steven wanted to scream out how they were wrong. Amethyst let out a few choice words, left unadmonished in the air between them about those who would do something like this and Garnet grit her teeth in shocked silence. A hot anger bubbled within Steven and he turned away and barged outside, fists clenched within tightly spiked bubbles, a pink glow spreading through his body as he scanned the sky far above the temple for his target.

Garnet went to her side, Amethyst hovering behind her for a moment as she knelt and gently pulled Pearl onto her back, drawing a sharp inhalation that whistled through her teeth as she saw the state of Pearl's gem, and her face! The whole area from her cheeks to her forehead was swollen and flooded blue, broken up with thick cracks that emanated from two darkened lines from whatever weapon had hit her. Garnet's fingers brushed her forehead, dancing round the edges to her pearl. There were cracks here too, creeping in from the edge and marring the otherwise smooth surface. A small burr, a sharp indent on the gem close to its base stung at her, and she drew her hand back, rubbing thumb and forefinger together to find them covered in a fine white dust. Her visor disappeared and she quickly ran a finger around the gem, finding two more holes, each leaving trails of white pearl dust behind them, and looking closer she could see curving blue indents set in the skin around the gem, here, here and **here** , embedded under a deeper semicircle of cracks.

"Steven," Her voice shook and she brushed a loose strand of hair back from Pearl's face before letting her go and springing to her feet, gauntlets at the ready. She joined him outside. "Steven!"

"They're gone." He didn't even look at her.

"Steven,"

His head snapped around, face of pure fury glowing pink. "They're GONE!" The force of the shout pushed Garnet back a meter or so, grinding over the woodwork and dislodging even more glass from their frames. Steven turned to the skies. "COWARDS!" he bellowed and crouched, ready to leap after the unseen attackers.

"Steven, please," Garnet held his arm to stop him, catching a glare from the enraged teen, "Pearl needs you." He turned his attention to the skies once again. "She needs you," she pleaded. "We've got this. Go to her." He looked back, calculating, and caught sight of Pearl through the cracked window, broken and alone. The bubbles on his hands popped out and he went inside without a word, pink fading as he crunched over glass and wood to her side.

There was no need for spit as he gathered her up in his arms, tears already fresh in his eyes. Steven held her close, pressing his cheek against her gem, making sure the tears fell where they were needed most, not even looking to see if they were working.

Amethyst dropped back down beside Garnet, shaking her head. "The ship's already left atmosphere. I even checked out by the moonbase. No sign of them. Whoever it was... They could be anywhere by now." She shifted, scanning the horizon, winding her whip tightly in her hand.

"They're not coming back," Garnet stated mournfully, looking back through the window. "They've done what they came here for." She dismissed her gauntlets and stepped inside, Amethyst hesitating for a moment before following.

Steven was knelt on the floor rocking with Pearl in his arms as Garnet rejoined him, a nudge easing him away.

"Look," Garnet pointed out, and he blinked away his tears to see the last few cracks receding from Pearl's face. With the damage undone it almost looked as though she was sleeping. She stirred, twitching in his arms, her face wrinkled in pain and discomfort as a black mark grew on her cheek and resolved itself into sharp familiar letters, English matched by the glyphs on the other side. Another movement from her knotted a ball of anxiety in Steven, holding on as uncertainty coursed through him, but then she sighed and settled once more.

"What is that?" Amethyst had picked up her loose arm, inspecting the brands, giving one an experimental rub to see if it would come off. It didn't.

"I don't know," Garnet confessed, adjusting her visor. She paused and leant closer, once again inspecting Pearl's gem. "Hold still." Her hand ran over it once more, looking for... Her mouth settled into a frown. "They're still there. The holes," she clarified as the others looked at her in confusion. "Looks like we're going to need more than this." She reached forward and wiped the tears off Steven's cheek.

"We've still got the Diamond essence in the cupboard," Amethyst said.

Garnet helped pull Steven to his feet, gently taking Pearl from him and heading towards the bathroom, sending water cascading over the side of the bath as she lowered her in. Amethyst was right behind her, pulling out bottles of healing Diamond essence. She poured the first one in, blue swirling around, then white, the pale stream mixing with the first in a swirl of colour.

"Look!" Steven's exclamation drew their attention and they gasped. More than they'd hoped the words were fading, returning Pearl to her normal self. Amethyst threw in the yellow, a healthy glug of the stuff for good measure, smiling as she saw the words disappear. She unstoppered the final vial, fresh from Rose's fountain and poured it in, the pink swirling with the others.

"No!" Amethyst gasped and threw the vial away as the first drops of pink washed over Pearl's skin, splashing the others as she tried to scoop it out again with her hands, trying to get it away, to stop it spreading further but they could only watch in horror as the angry black text revealed itself once more, somehow drawn back to the surface.

They looked at each other aghast, tears pricking at Steven's eyes. "It was going. Why did it-" Garnet pulled him back from the tub, leaving him to the side.

"Amethyst: The sloop. Blue, yellow and white."

Amethyst immediately grabbed the bottles but paused, giving them a shake. "There's not much left."

"It will have to do. Make sure it's mixed in, and be careful, we can't let any of the pink get in there." Garnet crouched down and plucked Pearl out the bath. "Steven. We need to get all this off her."

"But-"

"Showerhead, now."

  
  


A few minutes later Garnet carefully squeezed out from the bathroom and lowered Pearl into the tri-coloured water inside the sloop, making sure her gem was submerged, her hair floating in a halo around her head. She stepped back and waited, Amethyst keeping Steven back out of the way as they all watched.

"Is it working? They've hardly faded," Steven asked, craning his head.

"Yes." Garnet straightened up, noting how the brands were paler now. "But only slowly. All we can do now is wait."


	3. The Nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl wakes in an unreal world.

Pearl stirred, frowning at the soft gurgle of water and blinking her eyes open. A moments hesitation froze her as the darkness before her filled her mind with doubt that she was really awake at all. As her eyes adjusted to the water (why was she underwater?) she realised she was in some sort of cavern. Underwater cavern, she quickly corrected herself with vague bemusement. How on Earth did she end up here? Had she fallen into the ocean? Or simply washed away in the next tide after... 

She winced at recent memories, the sharp whir pressing against her mind for a brief terrifying moment, then dismissed them, her hand testing against the smooth cool surface of her gem. A nightmare, nothing more. Much more likely she'd been washed into the sea- another one of Amethyst's pranks and yet more reason to make sure she didn't fall asleep around the others. Again. They seemed to think she was fair game for their amusement whenever she did.

She looked around further and realised her view was cut short by curving blue woodwork. Tracing the edge she tilted her head back to spot the reaching pole of the gem sloop. Underwater? Had she been sunk? She certainly didn't remember that. She raised a hand, quickly breaking through the surface into warm air beyond and pulled herself up out the water, blinking the drops out of her eyes.

She took in the temple door, the warp pad in front of it, and the softly lit woodwork of the beach house beyond. Not underwater then. Rubbing her head, she willed herself to make sense of this, the whole scene feeling off, out of touch somehow, as strange details flickered around the edge of her mind, gnawing at her. 

Was she still dreaming? 

Her eyes snapped open at another flash of memory, a tornado of sharp scraps flying about her, cutting, stinging as they chopped and pulled apart like the waves in the sloop before her, the world starting to wave and spin. 

No!

No. Not that. Her fingers dug into the woodwork and she forced herself to look up, the splintered wood digging back into her hand, the pain real enough but already fading. Did pain make this real? It wasn't an answer but was enough to focus her mind and ask the more pressing question:

"Why is the sloop inside the house?"

She let the question hang in the air and pulled herself up onto the seat, sending a slosh of water splashing over the side. The sound attracted a scramble of footsteps, and Steven thundered down the stairs from his room, pausing to call out her name and break into a beaming smile. "You're awake!"

Her smile froze, her answer caught in her throat. 

Steven.

This wasn't right.

She watched him as he rushed down the stairs and past her to knock on the temple door and repeat his message, a strange disquiet settling in her stomach. He certainly acted like Steven, but...

The others must have been inside, and soon enough the door opened to reveal Garnet, her expression as hard to decipher as ever against the darkness of her room. Pearl stared at the fusion in silence, until Steven popped up between them, blocking her from view. "How are you feeling?" he asked and she pulled back a little.

What was this? They were.. Wrong.

"I er..." Pearl clung onto the mast blinking, trying to clear her eyes, clear her head. This didn't make sense. Behind him Amethyst complained loudly how Garnet was blocking the door. They certainly acted like the Crystal Gems she knew.

"Confused." Simple answer, keeps her cards close to her chest- and not wrong either, she thought, furiously planning her next steps, trying to work through the fog that seemed to cloud her mind. She needed to know more.

"Are you hurt?" Steven spoke gently, hovering by the edge of the boat.

Did he sound... off somehow? He was looking at her, waiting for an answer, concern growing each second. What did they expect of her?

"No." She hesitated and looked at her hand. The splinter had gone, so quickly. The sloop inside the beach house. Steven, even the Gems.... More and more of this didn't make sense, it didn't match up. "Why do you ask?"

"Whoever attacked you... You were in a pretty bad way when we found you."

"Oh." Pearl closed her eyes, holding back the welling nightmare as her heart dropped. Not a dream then.

Wait,

A dream? She glanced back up at Steven opposite. Wrong, her mind offered, Amethyst wrong, Garnet wrong... What else? She scrutinised these strange figures standing around her that were so familiar but so different. What game was this? A trick of the mind, a trap of the dream, she forced herself to hold his gaze, buy more time as she formulated a plan.

' _You were in a pretty bad way when we found you_ ' Strange what subconscious fears showed you, she thought idly. But she could use this.

"I suppose I was."

He held out a hand towards her and Pearl turned away, climbing out the other side of the ship for herself.

"Pearl,"

She ignored him, instead making her way towards the house, towards the door, scanning ahead with her spear in hand looking for something, some clue to spring herself away from here. It certainly looked realistic, so much like the beach house but yet again... 

Steven continued his protest. "You don't need to-"

She flicked the spear around towards him, keeping him at bay, out of reach.

"I was ambushed," she answered sharply. "We don't know when they'll come back or where they'll strike next: If they're coming after Crystal Gems we need to be ready. We can't afford to be taken by surprise like that again." They looked between each other, accepting her explanation, and why wouldn't they? It would have been true. Here it bought her time and she pushed forward, stepping into the house proper, putting on a show of methodically searching around high and low, all the while she listened and carefully worked her way closer to the door.

Steven looked around, wondering if he should stop her, tell her it was safe, her attackers long gone, torn between that and letting her discover and see that for herself. She seemed so tense, so full of nervous energy... He stepped forward.

_Creeaak._

She was gone, bolted outside and onto the beach before they could react. She could hear the cries of alarm from behind her as she swung back round underneath the house, scrambling over the timber foundations and back up the beach out of sight, searching around for somewhere safe, somewhere to hide, something to let her lose them off her trail.

"Pearl, wait!"

She heard them call her name and stumbled, before pushing on, adding another spurt of speed to her pace, one singular thought filling her mind: Run. Get out, get away from this nightmare.

In her distraction she ran into the nets, her spear getting tangled and caught as she stumbled once again, forcing her to release it to regain her footing. She used the rebound and tried to roll round the outside of the post instead in an attempt to regain momentum but screeched to an abrupt halt as she saw the rake lying in the sand before her.

Right where she'd dropped it.

It couldn't be.

Her breath caught, her head buzzing. There in front of her the smooth sand was interrupted with footprints. Two, no, three distinct sets, one heavy, sinking into the sand, and a second lighter, curled around and criss-crossed briefly before leading further up the beach. The third set was the hardest to pick out, barely noticeable, but she recognised them as hers, the lightest indents pottering here and there until they stopped, leaving the smallest of scuff-marks.

She winced, hands flying to her face.

"Pearl?" Steven's voice hardly registered, fixated on the trails in front of her. She moved, drawn up the beach until the footprints reconvened beside a deep messy divot. It was partially washed out here on the edge of the tide but there was enough left to see the scuffs and furrows where arms and legs had dug in, the centre a distinct imprint of a body, embedded, pushed deep into the surface, the outline, the shape all too familiar, all too real.

Hers.

She let out a cry, dropping to her knees clutching her head as the memories bore down on her fresh and sharp and real, the whirring of the drills filling her mind, the weight once more holding her in place, choking her panicked gasps. Distantly her name echoed around her, drowned out by this living nightmare.

They found her knelt there on the edge of the volleyball courts, crumpled, clutching her head, crying out at a terror no-one else could see.

Then she stopped.

As though a switch had been flipped she stilled, arms dropping away, her eyes glazed over. Steven called her name, once, twice but she didn't seem to hear. They couldn't get a response when they squeezed her shoulder or waved a hand in front of her eyes either. Even Amethyst's pinch failed to get any reaction and Steven was forced to wrestle her down from shaking Pearl around like a rag doll in a desperate attempt to get some response from her.

Garnet came to a halt beside them, her visor reflecting the length of beach. "We need to get her back inside," she ordered. "Now." 

Steven knelt down by Pearl's side. "Did you hear that? Come on, we need to go back to the house." He spoke softly, hoping she could still somehow hear him. He tried once more. "Shall we head back to the Temple?"

Nothing. His eyes strayed up to her gem, double checking it was whole again, trying to reassure himself. It looked fine but she was anything but. Garnet was right. They needed to get her inside.

"Amethyst, give me a hand." 

He put his arm round her shoulders, ready to pull her up but she shifted at the touch, her legs unfolding under her as she rose to her feet and stood there, swaying slightly.

"Pearl!" Amethyst lurched into Pearl with a smile, hands splayed against her friend as she waited for her response. But Pearl just stumbled back to a stop, limbs jerking awkwardly like some broken puppet, unfocused eyes staring to nowhere. Amethyst shrank away from her. Steven gathered her under his arm, Pearl automatically following his direction without the tiniest flicker of acknowledgement.

"That's not right." 

"Amethyst, now's not the time," Steven said, thinking, still trying to comfort Pearl whilst doing his best to avoid her unfocused, unblinking, gaze. She looked so tired, he realised, dark shadows and deep wrinkles echoing the cracks that came before, her face drawn and faded. What did those eyes see? He looked out, almost instinctively trying to see it for himself, but nothing was there, just quiet beach and stretching shore. The nightmare was Pearl's alone, and they'd know little more until she recovered. "Come on," he gathered her hand in his, Amethyst flanking her on the other side, "let's get you inside."

They left, passing Garnet who stood stauesque, her visor reflecting the tracks laid out before her. She turned her attention down to the heaviest set whose short trail lead directly into the sea, the deep imprints cut off by the surf. Of course. Her hand twitched, the barest hint of her desire to follow, to track down those who had dared do this to her friend, thunder off and unleash hell.

But she was needed here. Amethyst's voice drifted back towards her, the whining edge sending off a marauding seagull with a squawk that made her twitch. They would never forgive her for leaving now, not when they needed her guidance more than ever. This would have to wait.

With a sigh she turned back towards the house following the others, leaving a set of cooling glass footprints in her wake


	4. The Reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl tries to come to terms with this new reality.

The crunch of glass shards beneath her feet drew Pearl back as Steven and Amethyst guided her back into the beach house, almost holding her up on either side. They were arguing, the sharp back and forth rattling across her aching head.

"We just need to get her back into the healing water. She'll be fine."

"Will she? Look at her gem Steven- it's whole. Whatever they did to her, it's bad. I've never seen her freak out like this, well maybe apart from that one time I lured a ton of seagulls into her room but that was different! I just don't think dunking her back in the sloop's going to help-"

"Healing helps, it always helps!" Steven insisted.

"You can't heal away a memory." Amethyst fussed. "Whatever they did to her out there, it's more than just damage. We've all taken knocks, been poofed. She's been in fights before, gotten cracked, gotten healed. But this didn't. This is different. They got in her head."

"No, No! If it was that she'd be showing up other cracks and she's not, is she?" Steven countered, "not like Volleyball. It's got to be something else," he insisted, "and what else do we know that leaves that sort of imprint on a gem?" Steven hissed across at her, "oh I don't know how about-"

"Seriously, it's nothing like that!"

"No~" Pearl spoke, coming back to herself, her voice shaking "don't fight." Amethyst and Steven cut off, stopping as Pearl pulled away, determined to stand on her own two feet. She wobbled a bit and they flinched closer, not caring to leave her side. 

"Pearl," Steven reached up to catch her. "Take it easy. You've had quite a shock."

"No, no, it's fine, I can manage," Pearl insisted, straightening up to prove it. They didn't seem inclined to believe her. "Really I'm fine, I'm here." _I'm here_ , her thoughts echoed. "You don't need to worry."

"Are you kidding me?" Amethyst prodded her in the chest. "Is that all you've got to say for yourself?! 'Don't you worry'," she mocked. "What did you expect us to do? You properly freaked out back there, and you ran away! What were you thinking? Anything could have happened to you out there!" Amethyst somehow towered over Pearl, and tears grew in Pearl's eyes, her lips quivering.

"Amethyst, leave her be." Amethyst looked for a moment as though she would argue with Garnet too, but she relented stepping back with a scowl, but even that bluster couldn't cover her worried glances.

"She is right on one thing:" Pearl looked up as Steven spoke, "please don't run off on us again."

"I didn't mean to," Pearl said, warmth flooding her cheeks and rubbing her head. "Well I did, but I just thought I was dreaming." She had so badly wanted it to be some bad dream. Part of her still did. She looked away. "I didn't think this was real. I didn't-" her voice faltered. "-know." She broke off, tears silently rolling off her face.

"Hey, hey, it's okay." Steven was by her side, his voice soft trying to hold her to anchor her. "This is real, we're here, it's safe, you're home now," Steven reassured her, as only Steven could. "Look I'm real! Here," He pinched his skin, his top, wrapping her hands in his trying to prove himself to her. She gave him a reassuring squeeze in return. 

"This is real," she made herself say. The words sounded strange but somehow the small act seemed to solidify the world around her, helped make it more real. She whispered it again, just to be sure.

"Pearl?" Steven's voice drew her head up. "Welcome back." He looked at her with his big eyes, giving her a smile, the pain and anguish still plain to see on his face. The pain she'd caused. "You really scared us back there."

She blinked heavily, trying to refocus and looked up, eyes drawn to the hole in the roof. "What happened here? Did they attack the house?"

"Not exactly," Steven replied shifting about, unsure how to broach the answer.

"You made quite an entrance P." Amethyst moved to her side making a 'pew!' sound and mimicking coming through the roof. "Who knows how far you fell." She paused. "Do you remember what happened?" 

Pearl stood, transfixed by the hole. "They mentioned a ship, but I don't recall going there." She followed the path downwards to the dent in the wall, then the small gap in debris on the floor below. She didn't remember any of this. Behind her the others shared a glance, unspoken acknowledgment that from what they'd seen, that was probably a good thing. 

She stared at the shards on the ground and they seemed to shiver and stir shifting under her gaze, a familiar vibration that drew a looming pain behind her eyes. Pearl wavered and blinked out the tears with a grunt, falling against the doorframe as the memories stung at her once more, a looming swirling chaos.

"Pearl?" Steven's voice brought her back with a snap and she looked around. The shards were still and the gems only had eyes for her. She rubbed her forehead and gem desperately trying to massage the echo of pain away, trying to stop her reeling head, tensing with a groan as she refused to be swept away once again. 

"They sent me back. Why did they send me back?"

"Pearl, what happened to you?" Steven asked. "How much do you remember?"

She paused, still uncertain how much to tell them.

"Everything. You need to tell us everything you can," Garnet said, breaking her silence. "The more we know and the sooner we know it the more likely we'll be able to find them, and stop them from doing anything like this again."

"Yeah, on our watch Gems only go skydiving when they want to," Amethyst chipped in, drawing a dry laugh from Steven.

"I don't..." Pearl began to protest, already tensing in apprehension.

"It's best to get it done with. You will likely feel better with it out in the air," Garnet said.

"Yeah!" Steven chirped. "Think of it like pulling off a plaster."

"Steven, we don't use plasters," Pearl rebuffed him.

"Tape then," Steven replied, drawing a wince. She had gotten that stuff stuck to herself before and spent several sore minutes trying to peel the stuff away before Garnet had yanked it off for her. 

Pearl leant into the doorframe once more, closed her eyes and rubbed the bridge of her nose again still trying to work away the quiet throbbing ache that had settled in there. They wanted to know. Stars. Tears threatened to creep out and she tried to push them back too.

"Are you okay?" Amethyst asked. "You're not going to go running off on us again are you?"

"No." And she realised she meant it. Hearing them worry over her like that, so scared for her... She avoided the small gem's concerned face. "I'm fine it's just..." She blinked heavily, casting her eyes down. "It's too bright out here."

Pearl retreated back towards the temple, to their relief, sitting down on the edge of the warp pad, head in her hands. The others joined, sitting around and waiting for her to gather her thoughts. She stayed silent, her mind running in circles. Who would do this? Why? Why did they let her go? Why was she here?

"Pearl?" Steven's question drew her back to the present "can you tell us what happened? Anything you can remember will help. I know it's hard and it's so soon but we... We're here for you." 

She nodded, ready to do this, get it over with and he sat there, waiting and watching with such patience as she tried to build herself up, trying to tell them, left open mouthed attempting to start uncertain sentences, over and over, her hands intertwining as she sought a way to begin, to pull on that string that kept twisting away from her. But it wasn't working. Each word became a dead end, each failed attempt building into a knot inside her, pulling the strings tighter shut. He must have sensed her agitation and tried to change tack. "Can you tell us who did this?" She shook her head, a lump caught in her throat. Steven considered it a moment, racking his brains. "That's okay, how about where? Where-?"

Yes. "The Volleyball courts." She knew that at least.

"Oh!" Steven's eye's widened as the realisation kicked in. "Oh." Pearl looked at him, uncertain whether to continue but he clammed up, giving her an apologetic smile and an encouraging nod.

He didn't see it, he didn't know... Pearl's stomach dropped. A small part of her wanted him to go, leave so he didn't have to hear this, so that he could just stay out of this without worrying. But he wasn't a kid any more, they couldn't hide him away from the worries of the world like they used to. And besides, Amethyst or Garnet would likely tell him anyway, be it before or after he asked: the worry was already there. For her.

"I was tidying them up." Pearl hurried the words, trying to get them out before her nerve deserted her once more. "They gave no warning, no angry words, they just seemed like another couple of school gems there to ask questions. Called me 'Miss Pearl' then bang!" Her hand flew to her face. "They caught me completely by surprise, cracked my gem, cracked my..." She rubbed her eyes and let out a frustrated sigh. "They must have come up behind me. I never saw who did it." She fell silent, racking her brains to try and pick out some detail, some familiarity from their voice that might help identify her attackers. But... Nothing.

"Continue." Pearl tensed up at Garnet's suggestion. "Pearl, we need to know what happened. Everything that happened." She felt her face flush, that all too prominent knot in her stomach hardening once more.

"Please Pearl," Steven begged. "It'll help, we can help."

She made herself look at their faces, all so full of concern for her. "I'm sorry." She tried to say, but her voice had dropped out from under her. She forced herself to gulp, a half cough and continue. "I tried to call out, tried to warn you, but they wouldn't let me. T-they" Pearl swallowed, try to steady her nerves, shake off the memory of that awful whirring and the way it had- "Then they put this-" Pearl could feel herself swaying at the mere thought of the thing, that device, "- _Thing_ on my head and it dug in. Drilled right into my-" 

_mind_

"-gem." She rubbed around her gem, checking for the holes that were no longer there. "It kept going in." She shook a little, staring into the distance, tears in her eyes. "Rifling through," she whispered shivering, caught in the maelstrom of memory, then blinked them away. "I don't remember anything after that." 

No-one said anything, the others fallen silent and Pearl surreptitiously looked around. Steven was clenching and unclenching his hands into the fabric of his trousers. Amethyst had her hand clutched to her chest, no, her gem, trying to cover it up from the horror she'd experienced. And Garnet. She looked up. Garnet was sat cross legged opposite her, as composed as ever and Pearl found herself holding her breath, waiting anxiously to hear what she thought of all this.

After what seemed like an eternity of consideration Garnet raised her head barely a inch and spoke. "You said there were two gems."

"I think so. There were two different voices, but I didn't recognise either of them. The gem who held me was big, solid; possibly some sort of quartz? I don't know. Sorry, I wish I could be of more use." Pearl wrapped her arms around herself "I should have done more. I tried to fight them, I tried to stop them but I couldn't, I wasn't- I wasn't strong enough."

"Stop," Garnet said flatly, "you don't need to apologise for any of this."

"Yeah," Amethyst butted in. "If anyone does it's the dumb gems that did this to you."

They didn't understand! "But I should have seen them coming, I should have stopped them: they could have attacked the house, they could have hurt you!"

"You were hurt," Garnet countered her, and Pearl shrank back as she stood. "If anything it is us that should be apologising to you. We weren't there when you needed us most."

Pearl frowned, confused. "But you couldn't have known."

Garnet let out a soft 'ha!', crouching in front of Pearl and cupping her face in her hands, wiping her tears away. "Neither did you." 

Pearl reached up, hands over hers, giving them an appreciative squeeze.

After a moment Garnet took a step back but Pearl held on, pulling her hands down towards herself, and Garnet allowed her, letting her turn them over so she could study her gems, her eyes flicking desperately from one to the other. Pearl frowned deeply, and Garnet had to strain to hear her.

"Ruby?" She half spoke to herself, freezing up, her fingers tightening around her hands.

"Something is wrong," Garnet said causing Pearl to flinch and break away leaving Garnet to look at her gems.

"I'm not sure. My eyes keep playing tricks on me, going wrong with the colours. I ah-" She stopped as Garnet and Amethyst shared a knowing look. "What?"

"It's not that surprising P," Amethyst said. "You did take a lot of damage up there. Nothin' but cracks from 'ere to 'ere."

"But we fixed all of that." Steven stepped in with a forced cheerfulness, waving his hands. "Yay for healing powers!" 

His attempt at lightening the mood fell flat.

"It may just need a bit more time to heal through," Garnet stated. "Use the sloop as much as you need." 

Pearl looked over the edge of the boat, reaching her hands in and paused, as an unsettling thought struck her. The only damage she knew of that healing hadn't worked on was corruption, but this wasn't That, was it? She looked down, her breath catching as she caught sight of her-

_Doppelganger_

-self, tired and washed out, the colours faded and shifted in the dark, her hair a muted brown, jacket tinted blue. She scooped up the water, letting it splash against her face, feeling the cool air chill her damp skin and letting the drops fall away. She looked down once more and frowned at her reflection, still as off colour as before.

"It's still bothering you," Garnet observed. 

Sometimes, Pearl thought, Garnet could give Parparadascha a run for her money. Or maybe stating the obvious was just a trait all Sapphires had. Part of her wondered where the small gem was. She could use a bit of perspective right now. "Yes. I mean... It's hard to describe but..."

"Try us," Amethyst challenged her, and she looked around, her eyes landing on Steven.

"Well the colours are wrong." Pearl fidgeted "I thought it was my head playing tricks on me at first but it's everywhere. Can't you see it?"

They looked around, then looked at each other as confused as ever.

Pearls mind ached, as it flip-flopped on colours for them, and she scrunched her eyes up. "Everything is wrong."

"Dude, you're not making any sense."

"But it's- " obvious. She needed to find something obvious... "Steven, look at Steven!" They looked. "Steven, have you changed your jacket at all?"

"No. Why?"

"It's..." Pearl faltered as they looked at her expectantly. She saw pity in there too and her stomach dropped as she realised what they must be thinking of her. "It's..." Broken, going mad. She fell silent, trying to work out how she could salvage another way out of this. Pass it off as imagination, or-

"What is it?" Steven asked her, his voice cutting through, so quiet, so sincere...

"Blue. It's blue."


	5. Fading

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl learns about the markings.

  
"No it's not." Amethyst waved at it. "It's pink, just like it's always been."

"I know, but it's blue. It shouldn't be blue. But that's not all, so are you Amethyst, and Garnet you, Ruby should be red but it's green?" Pearl squinted at Garnet. "Sort of. But it's off colour! It's all off colour, I'm off colour too-" Pearl's hands patted at her face, her eyes. "What did they do to me?"

"That doesn't matter, we healed you!" Steven argued, his fists balling up.

"Well it didn't work," Pearl snapped. "It didn't-" Pearl's breath caught in a panic letting out a small strangled noise of terror, eyes wide and staring as the implications of what she was saying struck home.

"Pearl? No Pearl hold on, stay with us!" Amethyst grabbed hold of her, trying to ground her. "Don't you dare flip out on us again!" 

"Hang on, I can fix this, I can fix this!" Steven pulled her aside, licked his hand even as Garnet and Amethyst shouted for him not to and slapped it straight between Pearl's eyes, snapping her out of it. 

She held them shut, fighting the urge to pull away, mentally battling to distance the goofy warmth of Steven's hand from the all too present memory of the pressing drills, hoping that when she looked again everything would be back to normal. A startled gasp escaped from Steven and he threw himself around her, wrapping her in a tight hug and she looked down to find him clasped around her.

"Please, please tell me it worked," he begged, the desperation plain in his voice.

Pearl blinked a few times as her mind still tried to impose familiar patches of pink onto his otherwise resolutely blue jacket. He had been so determined... "It's okay," she reassured him "you tried your best." Steven let out a frustrated sob from deep in her shoulder and she wrapped him up, comforting him as she returned the embrace, trying to reassure him. 

She froze, her reassurances running dry as she spotted unfamiliar black marks upon her arm. "What's this?" Stevens grasp tightened as she held it up, her own breath catching as she read the thick text.

Steven pulled back, holding onto her, tears in his eyes. "I'm sorry, I couldn't fix it, I can't..."

Pearl looked down, stepping back and seeing the word repeated over and over herself, an unwelcome intrusion that made her eyes swim.

Steven continued. "You were covered in these when you landed, but they started fading when we tried to heal you. We tried to heal you. We thought we'd got rid of them." Steven faltered and Amethyst stepped in.

"Then they came back. Somehow if Steven heals you these appear, but the essence from the other Diamonds can make them fade away. We used the rest of what we had in there." She waved to the sloop. "It can help, right Garnet?" Garnet nodded once in agreement.

Pearl stepped over to the sloop and leant over the edge, once again seeing a reflection of herself in the water, her hair dulled, her eyes faded to a pale blue and her skin now covered in bold text, clear for all to see, a mocking caricature of herself. She sank to her knees by the ship. "So that's why." She looked up at the others. "The Renegade Pearl. The Traitor." She reached in, taking a big scoop of water that shattered her reflection into a myriad of ripples and splashed it straight over her face, trying to rub it in a bit. She waited with baited breath for the surface to still, desperately hoping for some improvement, but when it came it was so slight she could barely see it. Her hand flew up, trying to rub the blemishes away herself, but Garnet stopped her.

"There wasn't much left over. You'll need to soak a while for it to work."

"Oh."

"Hey Steven, we can go get some more right?" Amethyst nudged him, breaking him out of his daze. "Quick trip to Homeworld."

"Yeah, sure." He looked up, seeing Pearl clinging to the edge of the sloop and finding that words deserted him, left, leaving Pearl with her thoughts.

"You're not broken." Pearl started as Garnet spoke, making her jump. "Not to us."

"But this..."

"Is just a bit different, that's all. You're still the same terrifying renegade you ever were. They can't take that away from you."

"They've taken something away," Pearl muttered, but gave her friend a smile, trying to reassure her. She looked down, studying her reflection.

"It won't work by staring at it."

The chime of the warp pad roused Pearl from her thoughts. Looking around she noticed Garnet taking quick strides away from the chair now sat conveniently by the boat, going to greet Amethyst and Steven, their arms full of bottles.

"There's more in the temple."

"We bubbled a few."

"Hey Pearl!" Amethyst tried to wave, and the bottles began to topple, stopped as Garnet encased the lot in a big bubble, drawing a indignant exclaimation from Amethyst as she sent the lot away, gem and all.

"We can get them in a minute."

"Hi." Pearl pulled herself into a sitting position, lounging against the seat. She glanced at her arm, and sure enough the words had faded, now a pale brown, but still visible against her skin.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" Steven approached carefully, letting Garnet take bottles to store away. 

Pearl waved her arm. "Bored." Tired too, though she wouldn't admit it. Gems didn't need to sleep, but after everything that had happened... Part of her just wished she could switch off from it all, and disappear.

"They're fading again," he noted, and she nodded. "That's good. What about..." Arms still occupied he waved his head a couple of times to try and hint at what he was thinking, but just drew a confused look. "Your sight." Pearl looked away, staring out into the beach house, then at him again, noticeably flicking down to his jacket and giving him a small shake of the head. "Oh. Well we were having a chat and thought What if we went down to the Reef? It might actually be able to fix you."

"No!" Pearl blushed at the abruptness of her response and quickly clarified "-thank you. Last time I was there I nearly got rejuvenated remember?" She shook her head. "I am not doing that again."

"That's fair." Steven tilted his head and smiled.

"What?" she asked, curious.

"Your memory's still good then." 

"Here." Garnet reappeared holding three bottles and without stopping opened them and poured the contents in the sloop with her.

"Woah!" The colours swirled around, sending an electric buzzing up her skin, and she let out a ticklish yelp as it tingled through her. She leapt clean out the water, standing dripping over the floor. "Garnet!"

"Oops," Garnet deadpanned shaking the last few drops into the ship, then dropped the opened bottles in for good measure, letting them sink to the bottom where the last few traces of their contents drifted out.

But Pearl felt herself smiling. She felt... Good. Her arms were clear, no sign of the blemishes anywhere on her. "Ah, that's much better."

The temple door opened and Amethyst stepped out, bottles in her arms. "So I just found out you can bubble in a bubble. Anyway, I got some-" Amethyst cut out as she saw Pearl in front of her and simply bubbled the bottles away again, launching into her in a hug. 

"Oof! Oh well okay." She turned around, Amethyst staying firmly attached. Garnet came over and joined them, mussing up her hair despite her protests as they laughed and joked. Out of the corner of her eye she noticed Steven hovering, holding himself back from joining them. She broke free and turned to him.

"Steven, you too." She held out her arms for a hug and he stepped back.

"No, you don't want to-" she closed down the distance between them before he could protest further and wrapped him up in a hug, giving him a firm squeeze.

"Of course I do."

"No, but what if-"

"They're just words," She reassured him, leaving Steven blinking furiously to keep back his tears


	6. A Rogue Remark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amethyst finds a new game to play.

"So what colour is this?"

Pearl groaned and rubbed her forehead as Amethyst held up yet another piece of junk, having made her the butt of this new game of hers.

"Yellow."

"Orange." She held up something else. Pearl took a wild guess.

"Orange?"

"Dude focus."

"Give over Amethyst, let her have a break," Steven said, barely glancing up from his phone. "It's been a long day." They'd spent the rest of the morning tidying up the house, Bismuth arriving to help with repairs. She fussed over Pearl, full of remonstrations against her assailants once she they told her what had happened.

"I'm fine," Pearl insisted, "I've come through worse."

She was still here, working away with Garnet's help. But Pearl had stared distracted at her, heart heavy as she began to realise how many of her vibrant rainbow colours she could no longer see, all washed out in blues and yellows.

And Amethyst noticed, announcing her discomfort to the world. "Oh yeah, you can't see colours right."

So much for 'I'm fine.' Bismuth had looked so hurt she barely reacted when Amethyst had started this little game, reaching up and picking out locks of Bismuth's hair to test out, laying bare the extent of Pearl's new disability. 'Hey P, what colour's this?' she'd ask, laughing and giggling at each incorrect answer until Garnet persuaded her to let the stunned Bismuth go and get on with repairing the roof, Pearl trying to reassure her she was still somehow fine. Bereft of her source material Amethyst had resorted to picking out objects from her room instead.

She held up something that looked suspiciously like it belonged in a toilet.

"No, I don't mind, really," Pearl insisted, shifting to get a better look. "Okay, okay, let's go with a yellow-y green?"

"Pearl that's," Amethyst glanced at the tube in her hands, "actually pretty close."

"She's not blind." Steven pointed out bluntly, not looking up from his phone. Amethyst ignored him. He'd already made it clear he disapproved of this particular game.

"I think you're getting better at this." Amethyst ran back into her room, and returned carrying a broken wooden mask. "There's several colours on this, so take your time."

She looked, struggling to pick out the colours against the dark woodwork, eyes and head swimming as the smudges of colour seemed to shift and slip around each other. She guessed, each answer turning out wrong and each mistake built up on the ache in her head and knot in her chest.

"No, nowhere near- woah. P, are you okay?"

Pearl was leant over on her knees, head in hands, tears rolling down her face.

She let out a shaky sigh and wiped her face. "I'm fine, I'm just tired, that's all." She closed her eyes, seeking shelter in the brief respite of darkness.

"You should get some rest- proper rest, sleep if you can." Steven suggested and Pearl nodded in agreement. No argument there.

She excused herself. "I'll be in my room."

"I told you she needed a break."

Barely seconds later a loud strangled yelp came through from the temple and Pearl reappeared in the doorway, a look of panic on her face, her skin resolving with thick black text once more. She froze, spear in hand and dismissed it as she spotted her concerned audience. Her eyes flickered between them and the sloop already calculating the least conspicuous route over. With a stiff turn she marched to the boat, only the slightest of twitches betraying her driving urge to dive in out of sight, and doused herself with the healing water once more. The marks gone again she rested against the edge of the ship, waving at the temple with a forced smile as the others approached. "There must be some of Rose's essence in there."

"That's okay, that's okay you can crash in my room. I got loads of space in there, you can even have a bed, or a sofa if you want- I've got, like three of them." Pearl grimaced at Amethysts suggestion, but followed her in, knowing she had few other choices if she wanted some privacy, and right now she wanted nothing more than to get away from Bismuth's horrified gaze.

It took only half an hour before Pearl reappeared, covered in cuts and bruises, and once again adorned with the writing and a deepening scowl, Amethyst protesting behind her about how it was only one pile of junk that had fallen, and not a very big one at that. Faced with an incoming concerned Steven all ready to fuss over her and offer up his room, she held up her hands.

"Please, I just want to get on with things as normal." Pearl glanced at the thick black marks on her hand and pushed them out of sight with a huff, contemplating the sloop with disain. Normal. Right. Taking a deep breath she drew herself up, climbed into the sloop and let herself dissapear under the water, settling curled up at the bottom. Garnet spoke.

"Leave her be."

The house was dark when Pearl woke with a start, wriggling around in the water. It took her a moment to realise she wasn't in the sloop, a bright light below her illuminating the bubble and she turned, swimming herself upright, to peer out. It was dark, darker than usual but she recognised the lava pool of the temple basement. Pulling at the bubble it broke, dropping her into Garnet's arms below, the splashes of liquid throwing up hot bursts of steam all around them.

"You were dreaming."

Pearl froze, knowing full well that Garnet wouldn't have moved her into the temple without good reason. She shivered.

"Steven was going to wake," Garnet explained, placing Pearl down with care, letting her find her feet and step back. Pearl raised a hand to her gem, leaning into it and closing her eyes for a moment.

"Did I...?" She waved her hand over flashing it forward, Garnet inclined her head, a small nod of confirmation. Projections. She never did have that much control over them when she was unfocused.

"It looked like a snowstorm."

"How odd," Pearl managed to force out, the swirling maelstrom that had torn through her mind still fresh in her memory, lurking ready to leap out at he slightest straying thought. A touch on the arm brought her back to the present, Garnet studying her intently.

"Join me." She took a seat cross legged on the floor, hands interlaced, thumbs steeled against each other, and after a moment Pearl sat, copying her. "Close your eyes. Let your mind open. Focus on my voice."

"Right, focusing."

"Don't talk," Garnet added, "just let your thoughts drift." Pearl fell silent. "Find a happy memory, something you're proud of and focus on that. Play it through to yourself several times."

Pearl cracked open an eye. "Is this some mental trick to stave off nightmares?"

"Nah, it's just to distract you. What happened to you was nasty. No-one wants to have think about something like that, least of all you."

Pearl laughed, the sound petering out without a smile. Her eyes closed and she focused, rummaging back through her own thoughts, finding she had to fight her way around the more... recent ones.

Out in the room Rose's voice came through. "Oh Pearl, this is so wond-" it cut off, another thought already playing, then another. Garnet snuck a look at the projections from the Gem front of her as they changed, each one cutting off from one to the next as they flickered through increasingly short and unsettled snapshots, of fighting, arguments and even her desperately calling after Steven.

The projections became more fragmented, Pearl's breath catching, sweat on her brow as they began to blur, whirling about in the light, drowning her in teh chaos.

Garnet started to hum; soft, gentle tunes that she pushed out to be heard against the conjured rush of wind, the music slowly becoming clearer and clearer, and she could hear Pearl settle, her breathing steadying and then slowing until there was a gentle thump. Garnet opened her eyes in surprise to find Pearl laid out on the floor, her chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm. She had fallen asleep, her face at peace, her gem still glowing. Garnet glanced up at the projection Pearl was creating and her humming stopped.

The room was full of stars.


	7. Help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connie and Steven try to help Pearl.

The next morning Pearl ventured out into the temple, and was rather put out when she discovered it was actually afternoon. She hadn't expected to sleep for so long. Still she smiled and reassured the others she was feeling fine, even whilst a niggle in the back of her mind reminded her she wasn't usually one to lose track of time like that, even when sleeping.

After breaking the news to Amethyst and Steven's that no, her eyesight hadn't magically fixed itself overnight, Steven disappeared, promising he'd be back, and she managed to distract Amethyst from her game by persuading her to open the shutters. It was a nice sunny day after all, and she settled down in the quiet it left behind, trying to ignore the watching presence of Garnet.

"Pearl!" Steven reappeared, holding his phone out to her. She squinted at the screen to see 'Connie' in bold text as the caller. "Connie wants to talk, she thinks she can help. Hang on, I'll put her on speakerphone."

"Oh."

"Yeah, yeah she's here, you're on speakerphone."

"Thanks Steven." Connie's voice came through.

"Hello Connie, how are your studies going?" Pearl called, Steven wondered whether he needed to tell her she didn't need to be quite so loud.

"Well enough but never mind about me- what about you? I heard what happened, how are you doing?"

"I'm fine, just getting used to a few things," Pearl answered.

"Yeah, Steven explained what was going on," Connie acknowledged, "Listen, I don't know enough about gem physiology but your sight issues sounded familiar, so I had a talk with Mum and she agreed you should go see a professional- an optometrist."

"A human?" 

"Yes! Well humans get colour blindness, so they're used to diagnosing this sort of thing."

"I don't know Connie, I'm still a Gem. Human physiology doesn't always translate. I highly doubt a human would be able to fix this."

"That doesn't matter: You'd at least find out how bad it is, and they can give you useful advice on the best way to manage it. And who knows? Maybe you'll learn enough to help find a Gem way to fix this. Come on, it's got to be worth a go isn't it?"

Pearl looked up to see Steven watching her expectantly, and he gave her an encouraging thumbs up.

"I suppose there's no harm in trying."

"Oh, that's good to hear," Connie said "Because you kinda have an appointment this afternoon."

"Excuse me?"

"At two o'clock. My mum's agreed to go with you because you're somewhat inexperienced with these human things." Connie kept going, ploughing over Pearl's protest. "She'll also drive you there and back. It's a little way out of town, so she's probably on her way over already, just to make sure you get there on time."

"This really isn't necessary," Pearl insisted, "you didn't need to make such a fuss for me."

Connie continued. "Now the Optometrist is my old one, he's agreed to do this for us so long as Steven doesn't go freelance healing on humans, emergency cases the exception of course."

"That's fair," Steven acknowledged.

"But he said he doesn't have a baseline for gem eyesight, so you'll also need to take a gem with you, someone sensible," Amethyst shrugged and went back to eating the days newspaper, "who has two good eyes." Garnet adjusted her visor and lounged back into the sofa. "Sorry Garnet, we don't want to over complicate things."

"That's okay."

"That's easy then!" Steven chirped up. "I'll go." 

"No can do Steven, you're half human. We need a full gem."

"Then what about Smokey?" he asked.

"Hmm," Connie considered it. "No, it's too risky. They're still part human. It's better to be safe than sorry."

"That doesn't leave many options," Pearl pointed out. "It'll be hard getting someone to agree to do this at such short notice."

"I know, I know, but I'm sure you'll manage to find someone."

"Yeah," Steven said with a smile. "All the gems love you, I'm sure they'll be happy to help."

Not all of them, Pearl thought.   
Not all of them.

"Thank you for doing this Doctor Maheswaran, you didn't have to come all the way out here on my account."

"Oh not at all. You've done so much in looking after Steven, protecting the Earth and our family from danger, and teaching Connie, it's the least I could do." She continued, "besides, as a medical professional I couldn't let you leave this undiagnosed."

"Yes, naturally," Pearl answered, holding off her puzzled frown until Dr Maheswaran was focused firmly on the road again. Pearl looked over her shoulder to address the gem in the back seat. "Thank you too for agreeing to do this Little Larimar, especially at such short notice."

"It is no problem," the small gem chirped "I am always happy to see a new part of the human experience. They are always so charming in what they do."

The door slammed open and Pearl stormed through straight into her room in the temple, muttering darkly. Dr Maheswaran followed stopping inside, taking a moment to try and set the door back in it's frame, Garnet, Amethyst and Steven's heads turning to her as soon as Pearl was out of sight.

"Woah," Amethyst said. "What was that about?"

"Bad news," Garnet intoned, and the Doctor nodded.

"That would be the driving ban. She's not allowed to drive, under any circumstances, at least not in this State, and not until she's re-done her driving test," she declared sternly, "which you might want to hold off on until she gets more accustomed to her situation. My suspicions proved correct: It's trauma induced colour blindness. Specifically Protonopia."

"Prota-what now?" Amethyst's face was scrunched up, her look of confusion echoed in Steven.

"Proton- isn't that a Physics thing?" Steven asked. He vaguely remembered Connie mentioning something about it when she was rambling on about a piece of homework, on one of the many occasions she was itching to learn more about gem technology.

"No, it means she can't see any red light." 

"Or pink," Garnet observed, looking at her own red gem, deep in thought.

"But she's a gem, how does that work?" Amethyst said.

"Well humans have sets of light receptors that detect different types of light and sometimes one or more of those is damaged or missing, leaving them unable to 'see' that range of colour. Because the lights mix to make different colours the result is being unable to see a range of colours the same way as others do. I don't know exactly how it works for gems, but in Pearl's case it matches the exact same profile. She'll face quite a few challenges- for starters because she can't see the red colour, greens and reds now look very similar. She may not be able to tell them apart. Here," she handed them a pile of paperwork. "There's some reading to do that will help."

Amethyst had grabbed one of the pamphlets, flipped it over and started reading it out.  
"So you're colorblind: what to do if you're colorblind.   
Colourblindness comes in many forms, but is the majority of cases are hereditary and occur predominantly in males. In addition there are many reasons humans lose their ability to process colour. Various eye diseases, diabetes, and even retinal trauma can trigger the loss of- Yaaawn. Pearl can have that." The pamphlet was spun into the air, falling on the floor in a heap.

"Now there are millions of humans across the world living full, perfectly normal lives with this condition. Pearl is a resourceful lady, I'm sure that with your help she'll be able to manage just fine." She frowned at Amethyst who was ignoring the pamphlets, and Garnet hadn't touched them either. "There's a few apps that can show you what it's like, what she's seeing. You might find you appreciate her situation a bit more if you see it from her perspective." The lack of response drew a sigh and she turned to Steven "I trust that you at least will keep a close eye on her."

"Of course Dr Maheswaran," Steven assured her "you can count on us!"

"And remember- no driving!"


	8. Blind Tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl overhears the others talking.

A muffled buzz of voices woke Pearl, dimly hearing her name through the firm hull of the sloop. The small ship had become her temporary room of sorts in the days since the attack, unable to use her own without getting marked for it, and served as her bed, an unusual underwater arrangement that she found helped her much more than she'd admit to the others.

"But she's taking ages." 

"If she needs to rest, we should let her."

"Yeah, there's resting and there's this. What is she trying to do in there? Turn into Pearl soup?"

"Amethyst!" 

"What? You all saw her. She practically ran back inside the house earlier."

Lights on the beach. They'd gone for a walk, and she'd almost made it all the way up to the boardwalk but the colours picked at her, throwing her mind into disarray, the bright sky and washed out vista pounding at her until she had no choice but retreat.

"I've got a headache, that's all," she'd explained away to Garnet. "There's so much..." She'd had to lean on the boat then, as the swirl of memory sprung up once again, forcing her to pause until the moment of weakness passed. "So much to get my head around." Without any prompting from Garnet she'd simply climbed in the ship, returning once more to her refuge under the water.

"She says she hates it. But she keeps going back."

"She wouldn't use it if she didn't need to."

"But she's spending so much time in there."

"Amethyst's right. We've barely seen her." A pang of guilt rushed through Pearl as Steven spoke.

They wanted to spend time with her, but she- how could she tell them? How could she tell them it was a struggle, seeing them, so off colour, their presence a constant reminder of the fact she was broken. It was no help that the side effect of this change was that the more she saw these faded colours, each time she strained to pick out the real ones or tried to remember them from before, the effort drained her, straining her eyes and mind, leaving her tired with a headache that only sleep could shift. 

So yes, she'd spent more and more time retreating to the sloop to sleep, simply claiming to take respite from the healing waters though their work had long since been done. She didn't like it, but right now it was the best place in a bad situation, and she didn't want to reveal to the others how bad she was for it to feel so good in there.

Because whenever she climbed in and slipped under the surface it was as if she left her troubles behind: the coolness dulled the ache in her mind, the darkness eased the strain on her eyes and head. Even the soothing flow of the water and the weightlessness brought her a peaceful distance from the world beyond.

Maybe even the Diamond essence in there was still helping a bit too.

In here was the closest she could get to relaxed, the edge taken off that near permanent knot of gnawing anxiety that had lurked at the back of her mind ever since the attack. Here was simple, quiet, secure, away from the pain of the day.

"Well she can't stay in there forever!" The sharp comment filtered through the murk, resonating all too clearly to her.

It had been a few days now and she had tried, really tried to get back to normality but each time she'd bared herself to the world outside it had been the same: everything shone so strangely it stung her eyes, making her head swim and ache, the pain building until it threatened to drag her back under the encroaching drills of the attack, the threat of the nightmare hanging over her, hand in hand with exhaustion and the need to rest. She'd fight it as long as she could, as long as she could put up appearances of her normal self, but it was never enough.

She had almost been sick the last time she was out for so long, and only by sitting in sullen silence with her eyes shut was she able to manage the journey back from the optometrist. It tired her out, the only respite from the headaches found in sleep, and yet sleep only ever seemed to bring back the unsettled nightmares again and again, tearing her into an endless cycle: headache, sleep, nightmare, wake, repeat, each round only gifting her minutes of focus, concentration, normality. Longer if she stayed inside, her best hope to function.

So she did, retreating to the sloop only when she couldn't stay awake any longer. 

Nightmare, rinse, repeat. She was so tired.

She didn't want to face this pain, this weakness over and over and over again, but she had no easy way out of it either.

So she had been staying in the sloop longer and longer too. At least while she was down here she could escape the headache entirely, staring into dark inky nothingness, no colours or structure to have to pick out. No need to worry about answering 'Are you okay?' or 'how are you feeling?' every five seconds either. No nervous looks, or hovering over her shoulder. No glib reminders that she was broken. As for the nightmares, away from pain they came less frequently, yet they hung always at the edge of her mind, having to corral her drifting thoughts lest they tumble over into them once more.

"Well we have to do something! This isn't right."

Amethyst. She never did realise quite how loud she could end up being. It was probably her that woke her up. The water muted the sound too. If she lifted her head away from the bottom their voices became so much more muffled, quiet, indistinct. Distant.

But her face flushed. Amethyst was right. This wasn't right. None of this was. She shouldn't be hiding away underwater. She shouldn't be reliant on healing water just so she could function. She shouldn't be broken like this, she shouldn't still be broken! How had this happened? What had they done to her? They'd made her so weak...

She just wanted to be done with this. Why wouldn't it stop?

She thought she heard her name again, Garnet berating Amethyst, emphasising a point. She placed her head against the boards to listen, curiosity piqued.

"...we can't do that, we need to be here." 

"Why not?"

"Pearl needs us here." A few footsteps came closer and then a loud dragging grinding sound, punctuated by a hard plink resonated through from the edge of the sloop. Pearl held still, eyes shut as Garnet leant over the side watching her, hoping she'd believe she was still sleeping.

Garnet looked down at her, where she lay curled up in the bottom, one arm curled protectively over her head, over her gem.

"All we're doing is watching her mope around the house and sleep. 'Keep watch,'" Amethyst scoffed. "What for? She's not doing anything! We're wasting our time when should be out there tracking down those-"

"Amethyst," Garnet warned, cutting across her cursing, another scraping rumble travelling through the ship as she turned away.

"-that did this."

"I know you're upset about what happened, but right now we have to do this for Pearl."

"Why? Why exactly? What do you see Garnet? What aren't you telling us?"

Garnet let out a frustrated groan. "I can't tell you, or it'll make it worse, you know that!"

"Future vision." Steven this time. "Amethyst I know it's frustrating but we need to be careful."

"You need to trust me on this," Garnet implored. "I wouldn't ask if it didn't matter." Amethyst grumbled indistinctly in the background and Pearl had to press against the hull to catch Garnet's reply. "It is," she said softly, "more than you can imagine. Please, just trust me: we don't want to lose her."

Lose her... A quiet terror enveloped Pearl. What did she know? What could she see? What else was going to happen to her? Steven and Amethyst were talking over one another, garbled questions and arguments tumbling over with Pearls thoughts until Garnet cut them off. "No, enough! We shouldn't be talking about this, not here." 

She could all too easily imagine the pointed looks towards the sloop, towards her.

"Why not? She's asleep." 

"Again. She has been sleeping a lot," Steven said, "even more than me. That's not like her at all."

"None of this is," Amethyst pointed out. "Gems don't get damage like this, they don't sleep all the time, and they don't GET NIGHTMARES!"

"Yes they do." The other two fell into silence at Garnet's words. "They do get nightmares." Pearl's heart panged as after a moment Garnet explained.

"We saw it a lot in the rebellion, gems trapped into reliving fierce battles, narrow escapes, shattered friends, tied by emotions. They didn't have to sleep to be plagued by the memories, but the smallest thing could draw them back to it each time, bringing back the pain as fresh as the day it happened. There was no rule, no consistent reasoning as to why, when or to who it happened, it just did. In each case their gems were fine, healing water couldn't help and the only thing we could do was look after them, make them feel safe, help them through it as best we could. It was hard then, a balancing act between keeping them close to the battles, or sending them away to safety, but also away from help. There was never a right answer, and in the end the corruption caught them all anyway."

Silence fell outside. Garnet had never spoken so frankly about the war before.

"Did any of them get better?" Steven asked.

"Some, but it always took time, which we never had enough of," Garnet conceded. "Sometimes the memories would fade, the nightmares occurred less frequently. But we could only help them find a way to function around it, a way to move on and it was rarely the same across any two gems." Another sigh.

"We need to give her the chance to recover in her own way. Right now that means if she needs rest, then she needs to rest, and we're better helping by not disturbing her." 

"What if she doesn't want to? What if she's given up?" Amethyst pointed out. "She's spending so much time in there..." 

"So might you, if you were in her place."

"She can't hide from this forever."

Pearl shifted slightly, catching one more exchange.

"I just wish we could just heal this away for her. Put things back how they were."

"I know Steven, we all do."

They fell quiet, moving on and Pearl lay there a while, blinking away as she tried to process what she'd heard. She wanted to jump up, tell them she was fine, tell them they didn't need to worry, but they were right. This was wrong, this was all wrong.

She wanted to get out of this, wanted all this to go back to normal, she really did but it couldn't, it wouldn't, no matter how much she wanted to, no matter how many times she dreamed of waking up tomorrow to find this was all a bad dream, still it remained, the nightmare.

She was so tired, she just wanted this gone.

A rumble almost made her jump as someone leant over the sloop again.

"Come on Pearl, you have have to keep fighting this," Garnet implored. "You can't give up on yourself so easily." Did she know she was awake? Pearl held still, waiting, listening. "If anyone can get through this it's you: you're so much stronger than you know. You always have been. You can do this, you can beat this." Garnet shifted, Pearl barely catching her final whisper before she left. "You have to."

Listening to the footsteps 'til she was finally sure she was gone Pearl curled up even further on herself, her face scrunched up.

How? How could she get out of this? She was trapped, Garnet's words rattling around her mind, one more worry chasing around the rest, ready to accompany her down into her next spiral of sleep, the water around her shifting and as she shook, drowning in the swirl of emotion.

That was the one other advantage of staying in the sloop, Pearl thought bitterly,

No-one can see your tears when you're underwater.


	9. The Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caught in uncertainty Pearl does some research of her own.

Pearl crept into the bathroom and locked the door behind her, placing her cup on the side out of the way, taking special care not to spill the contents before she searched through the cupboard, rummaging through its depths. She almost missed the bottle, hidden in the corner, and chided herself for forgetting once again that she couldn't see its usual giveaway colour as she pulled it out and placed it reverentially on the sink. Rose's fountain water, her healing essence, her very tears captured and retained for their powers for good.

She leant forward, palms either side, towering over the small bottle and studied its carved detail then herself, her mirrored form staring back at her, wrinkled brows and bagged eyes asking if she really wanted to do this. 

Of course she did. Amethyst had been right, she couldn't stay in the sloop forever, however hard it was, she'd never get back to normality just by hiding away. She had to do something. Over and over in her hours in the sloop amidst the pain and self pity her thoughts would turn to the same questions time and time again. Who would do this? Why? Why her? Why now?

The others had their own ideas, own theories they were so careful not to talk about when she was around, but she had heard their mutterings, half formed plans and fragmented ideas to track those gems. They tried to keep her out of it, but she'd come to the conclusion that she needed to know, she needed to be sure. She needed... This. There were too many questions to rest easy and she was so tired of being tired. Weak. She had to know, one way or another.

She rubbed at her face, drifting across the cheek and pulling the skin taut, trying to draw out any hint of what was there before but... Nothing. Not even the tiniest blemish remained of the marks for now. But she could change that. Her attention turned back to the bottle. The others would disapprove, insisting that she didn't worry about this. But all of this was her, her life. How could they expect her not to? So she'd rested as best she could, timed her sleep so she could be awake in these quiet hours away from the others and begin her work with fresh eyes.

The stopper came out with a small pop and, stilling her shaking hand, she teased out a single drop onto her fingertip, watching it wobble and balance there wondering what to do next. Should she put it on her gem? Her face? She lifted it up watching the light play across its surface and flinched, the drop disappearing as she jumped away from her double in the mirror.

The marks were back. She gaped having not expected them to come so quickly, unannounced. For some reason she thought it would hurt or she'd feel something at their approach much like the apprehension of before but no, they just appeared. One moment missing, the next There. Pearl shut her eyes for a moment and took a deep breath and held it counting out then let it go, once more prepared to face herself. 

Hm. Were there more of them than before? She turned this way and that to get a better look, each angle revealing another set. She brushed over them, but they did not shift, tried to count them, but lost count over several attempts her mind skipping away just as she thought she had them all. Eyes watering in frustration she steadied herself once again, changed tack and focused on one set. Glyphs. She studied the markings closely not entirely certain what she was looking for but... There! There was an extra line in the lee of the thaut shape that the newer gems seemed to habitually miss out. Archaic and it only meant one thing: It must have been an Era One gem that wrote this.

Which only eliminated about a third of the millions of gems out there. She huffed, the image in front of her misting over, and turned away, her head already pounding from the effort of concentration. 

She glanced back up at the mirror and turned the hot tap on to full, filling the air before her with steam that misted up the smooth glass. Raising a finger with the slightest hesitant flicker she started drawing, assembling the message in an array of short sharp precise strokes, finished with another huff of air to bring familiar glyphs into focus. Traitor.

She stared, her mind racing.

A dash of a towel struck it off, replaced for a second by Pearl's tear stained face. Another dead end. She cringed away from the image of herself, rubbing at one of the marks with a growl to no avail. Determined to be rid of them she flared, glowing bright white as she tried to shift them, burning out again and again until she returned to herself panting from the exertion.

The marks remained.

She tried again, this time focusing on her jacket, turning it a deep jet black. For a moment she thought she had outsmarted it, but then the text reappeared, changing colour to a bright white that cut through the darkness with a mocking inevitability. A shudder ran through her, a chill tingling that reset her form and ran again across her neck as she realised she wasn't entirely sure if she had done that herself or not.

Didn't choose... she clutched her arms around herself, pressing her back against the wall and sank to the floor holding tight, tense against intrusion. 

The door handle snapped her out of her thoughts as it rattled. There was a pause, a knock and then Steven's voice came through.

"Er, is someone in there?"

Pearl started, leaping up to pull the plug and let the water drain away.

"Just a minute," she said in a light and airy tone that masked the panic on her face as she splashed the cup of diamond essence over herself, rubbing it in furiously to encourage the marks to shift. She darted round, tidying away, using the towel to polish up the area, throwing a glance at the mirror. She looked normal, as far as she could tell, but for all she knew she could be a completely different colour, or maybe none. What if she'd become the colours she was seeing? Steven would notice straight away. She cringed at the thought, part of her toying with the idea of staying in there, locking herself away as Peridot had done.

"Pearl?" 

The door opened and she stood there with an apologetic smile, towels in her arms. "Just doing a quick clean," she explained. They stood there facing each other, her nerves pounding until Steven gave a small cough and shifted to one side. "Oh!" Pearl flushed as she realised she was in his way, "don't mind me." She squeezed past him, darting out into the house and away.

As soon as the door clicked shut she sighed, dropping the towels to one side and sinking to the floor behind the sloop, curling up around herself in this quiet space. That had been a close one, and still she was no closer to understanding what they did, no closer to the source of her affliction. 

Permanent damage. She'd heard their mutterings, their whispered fears. It just didn't happen, not for gems, not like this. 

Yet there it was. One attack and they'd done something to her, something that somehow stuck even after healing from all four diamonds, something that even thousands of years of war and fighting didn't manage. Even corruption healed. But not this. Not matter how much they had tried.

Her stomach dropped.

She'd forgotten to put the bottle away. Rose’s fountain water, ready for healing- She could see it now, sat in plain sight on the side, with no good reason to be there. Not for her. Steven would know. At the very least he'd have expected her to put it away before she cleaned, but no. Filled with a desire to avoid his questions at all costs she weighed up her options. Temple, sloop, she could even head outside, but the choice was taken from her as the bathroom door opened.

"Pearl?" She held still, hidden behind the body of the boat as Steven looked around after her. Tears pricked at her eyes in the silence as she listened, nerves on edge for the telltale footsteps. 

Her head throbbed. What was she doing?! It was Steven, it was just Steven! She could just explain it as 'scientific analysis of the marks'. He wouldn't mind. He may well disapprove of the reason behind it but skirting around like this wasn't right and she knew it, but something denied her, holding her frozen in the shadows. There was still time, she told herself, she could pop up and explain. He’d understand, he always did. But her voice had deserted her, her limbs refusing to gather the energy between them to move. 

Seconds drew into minutes and the door clicked shut again, Pearl letting out a breath of air she didn’t realise she’d been holding. What was happening to her? Why couldn’t she just talk to them? She wrapped her arms around her knees and cursed her traitorous mind.

'Traitorous mind'

Ha.

Tears came all too easily. What had she come to, to be hiding from him? She was meant to be a fighter, a proud knight who stood up to protect others, not some defective pearl hiding in the shadows. This wasn't right, this wasn't like her, she didn't just fall apart after an ambush, a single attack: she'd fought harder battles, lost more over the course of the rebellion than others could comprehend and still came through unscathed, loyally staying by Rose Quartz side where others would have faltered.

She was no traitor.

Yet here she was. Marked, damaged, undone. What else had they done to her?

She looked for the absent marks and rubbed at her arm cursing her lapse in concentration. She should have thought to take pictures for later study, a snapshot of this message they'd left her with decrying the rebel Pearl. The technology, the skills to change something so fudementally onto a gem like this must have been phenominal, to bypass healing from the Diamonds...she could scarcely believe anyone would impart all this effort just on her. She was just a pearl after all. 

Her unease grew. The writing. The message. She could barely see them. What if...  
What if it wasn't for her? And if she wasn't the one who was meant to see them then who was? The distant sound of running water came from the bathroom.

She shuddered. 

Steven. With all the revelations, all these changes these past few years, there were bound to be more than a few gems out there harbouring grudges against him and his mother. Plenty of gems leftover who didn't like to see an organic take the place of one of their leaders, and tear down all the structure and purpose in their lives. She had had thousands of years to learn, adapt and change, and a lot of help in that from Steven more recently and yet there were still days when she struggled to get used to this life. They did their best to ease the transition for other gems with Little Homeschool, but they could only help so many gems at a time, and that was only from those who chose to be here: a drabble of a fragment of the gems there are.

Fear of the wrath of the Diamonds themselves would keep many potential attackers from going straight for Steven: the memories of thousands of years of their tyranny and dictatorship did not fade so quickly, but a rebel Pearl would seem a far easier target, striking right at the heart of The Crystal Gems. And it had worked. 

She ran her hands over her face, tracing the absent lines once again, her impermanent permanent markings.

Traitor.

What if it wasn't part of the attack, but a result from it? A warning of a wolf in sheep's clothing. Her skin crawled as unwelcome thoughts unravelled in her mind. What had they done, what had they left behind? Lying low, hiding in the shadows, lurking at the edge of her mind waiting ready for the perfect moment to take over, and strike!

No!

Tears sprung to her eyes. She couldn't let that happen. He was still in the shower, though wouldn't be for much longer but the decision was easily made: she was already on her feet and heading straight for the front door. The warp pads inside had been shut down, part of a lock down on the house to keep unwanted gems at bay for now. They'd often discussed the matter anticipating the danger to Steven, but Pearl had never once thought they'd have to use it for her.

She never thought that she might be the danger to Steven either.

She could hear him still singing to himself as she shut the door, leaving herself in the quiet outside. A quick jump sent her up over the house, landing on the hand with a slight stumble, spending a second to rest leant over on her knees before looking around.

She nearly jumped straight off again.

"Garnet! What are you doing here?"

The fusion was sat on top of the warp pad watching her. "Waiting for you," she answered. "Pearl you shouldn't be out on your own," Garnet said sternly, "go back inside."

"No, please I..." Pearl already felt the last words tripping out her mouth even as she tried to call them back. "Can't."

Garnet studied her. She tilted her head, catching the reflection of Pearl in her visor. "You were going to leave."

"I just-" Pearl's excuses died in her throat. There was no point trying to explain this away, Garnet already knew. "I can't stay. Not like this."

"Pearl, this is your home. You belong here. You're not going to solve your problems by running away from those who love you and want to help you."

"I'm trying to help you!" Pearl cried. "It's not safe!" She glanced down towards the house, Garnet following her look. "I..." Pearl trailed off, uncertain whether she should tell her "I can't stay here." She fidgeted, eyeing up the warp pad, part of her calculating whether she'd be able to get away and find one without Garnet stopping her, another part just telling herself to dive straight on here and sort all this mess out somewhere in the distance of warp space.

To her dismay Garnet seemed to read her thoughts and stood, towering over the warp pad. Then she took half a step to one side and held out a hand beckoning to her. An invitation. Pearl hesitated, alarm bells rumbling away at the back of her mind that this was almost too good to be true, but another glance down at the house swayed her.

The warp trail cleared to reveal the bright lines of the sky arena and without a word Garnet drew her up to the body of the arena itself.

A fresh blast of air hit them as they passed through the seating and down to the fighting ring, a broad white marbled platform that broke off into thin air at the far end. 

"Why here?"

Pearl's question finally brought Garnet to a halt and she turned, summoning a long training staff with heavy blocks set at either end and tested its weight, sending it spinning over in her hands.

It stopped, tucked neatly under her arm and behind her shoulder. "Spar with me," Garnet offered with a wave. "Use your spear."

"More distractions?" Pearl glanced around. "This isn't a good idea."

"Nah." Garnet swung at Pearl, a lazy sweeping arc that gave her plenty of time to duck out of the way. "It's a great idea. With all the peace across the universe we've been getting lax with our training, even me. Just look at what Spinel was able to do. I should have been keeping on top of this long before now."

"That wasn't your fault."

Garnet ignored her. "Come on Pearl, it'll be good for you, give you a chance to work all this out your system." 

"I don't know..." Pearl eyed her warily.

Garnet gave her a reassuring smile. "Hey, it'll be good for me too. Extra training. Attack or not, you know this stuff inside out, give me a run for my money."

"I doubt that."

"Come on Pearl- You've done all that training over the years, all the fighting, the strategy; it's practically second nature to you now. You're really good at this, better than you even know. You could even beat me in your sleep." Garnet changed tack as she saw the fear in her eyes. "You're the Terrifying Renegade Pearl. A fighter, genius strategist and dedicated knight. Two dancing blades that were so often the last glimpse a gem had before they were poofed. One of the fiercest fighters of us all."

"What if I'm not?" She couldn't even fight off those two gems. "That was a long time ago. I've lost my edge."

"I don't believe that, and you shouldn't either," Garnet declared, but Pearl turned away, forcing her to skip ahead to catch up again. "But if that is what you really think then this," Garnet forced Pearl to stop and look up with a flick of her weapon, "is just extra training." Garnet swung the stick low, and this time Pearl had to jump it. "It'll be good for you either way. Win," she swept it through again emphasising her point, "win." 

"No!" Pearl darted in, hands against the pugil holding it up. "I **don't** want to fight you."

Garnet looked down at her, her heart falling. "Oh," she sighed. "If you're sure..." She waited for a moment to see if Pearl would change her mind, but she just turned her back, arms wrapped around herself in silence. 

Pearl could feel Garnet's eyes on her back as she made her way to the edge of the arena, perching neatly on the seating until Garnet started going through a few moves, then let her head sink into her hands.

What was she going to do? She could move out, warp away and crack the pad behind her to stop herself just warping straight back again. But... She'd need to leave Earth. Without taking out all the warp pads nowhere on this planet was much more than a day away from beach city. Yet apart from Homeworld she couldn't think of anywhere else she could go.

A grunt drew Pearl to glance up, and she watched Garnet bat against an unseen opponent.

Oh dear, she was not joking about being out of practice. Pearl winced as Garnet turned swiping across the air. Oh my, what was she thinking? Her stance was far too tight like that, any half decent gem could come along and knock her off balance.

Yes it's true there were half a dozen fighting styles entirely based on that particular base, but to her knowledge Garnet has never practised any of them, and all that was going to happen like this was that Garnet would find it restricted her range of movement, and Yes, well see there? That extra step she was forced to take to compensate left a such huge gap in her guard, you could drive a car through it. Pearl scowled. Garnet was never going to be able to keep her at bay like this, definitely not if she retained her martial knowledge.

Pearl spoke. "Your stance is too narrow." Garnet paused and looked down at herself. 

"Looks fine to me," she answered with a shrug and kept going.

Pearl scoffed and watched closely as she moved. "Oh really!" Pearl huffed under her breath as she could see another two, no three openings, and there! The mistakes were springing up all over the place. How on Earth could she think that was 'fine'? She really wanted to go put her straight, but she didn't want to get involved. She had a sneaking suspicion too that Garnet was faking it, trying to distract her but- She winced again. Where did she get that move from? Another one of those crass human movies that were all about showy moves and bore very little resemblance to actual fighting, no doubt.

She fidgeted turning her hands over one another, watching her every step now, as she casually made the same collection of small mistakes over and over again, heart sinking as she realised she knew full well she could easily beat the fusion like this.

"Garnet," Pearl implored, the sound barely audible under her breath, "you can do better than this, you have to." ' _You need to protect Steven!'_ She wanted to cry. This wouldn't keep him safe. It couldn't keep him safe...

Pearl climbed to her to her feet, the movement tugging at the knot in her stomach as she approached Garnet, timing her steps carefully to duck under the swirling weapon and give her a firm shove, pushing her off balance and forcing her to take a step back and stop, looking at Pearl quizzically.

"See?" Pearl pointed out. "Too narrow. There is no reason I should be able to put you off balance like that, just imagine what a stronger gem could do." Pearl waved in the air. "You need to give your stance more width, or you'll spend more time on floor than your feet."

Garnet allowed Pearl to boss around her, guiding her arms and legs into position. She finally stepped back. "Try that."

Garnet moved, going through the motions once again as Pearl commented here and there, making sure she was keeping on form.

"Augh!" Pearl's eye widened as she watched Garnet pull off another atrocious move. "What are you doing? You have to keep your guard up, and close. Even a lumbering boulder could have gotten through that gap you left."

"I doubt that. My defense is perfect," Garnet answered, hiding a sly grin behind her visor.

"Oh really?" Pearl challenged her.

"Really." Garnet turned away, already started on a new set of moves. Really, Pearl thought, Garnet could be incredibly stubborn minded at times. She would just have to show her how 'perfect' it was herself. Pearl summoned her spear and with a cry took a run and leapt towards Garnet, giving her plenty of time to turn and block the strike, letting out a clang and a wash of air as they clashed.

Pearl used Garnet's stick and her own momentum to flip herself forward and land the other side of her, crouched low, ready to spar. "Come on then. Let's see if your actions match your words."

Garnet grinned giving her own weapon a spin. "Bring it." 

They flew towards each other, exchanging a flurry of blows before dancing away again, Garnet just managing to weave out the way of a speculative strike from Pearl. They clashed again, filling the sky arena with the sounds of their clattering weapons, the loud thwacks echoing the power behind them. Pearl kept watch, knowing sooner or later Garnet would drop her guard. 

There! She spun her spear, jabbing in the opening with the bottom end, the hit deflected away at the last second. Garnet came back at her, forcing her to take a moment to defend and quickly break away, panting from the exertion. 

She blinked heavily, trying to settle her head. 

"We can take a break if you need it," Garnet offered.

Pearl smiled. Oh, there was no way she was going to wimp out of this one. "Not a chance." They sparred once more, Pearl pressing the attack, determined to open up and expose Garnet's weakness. With a turn she slipped her spear under Garnet's guard, flipping it up and over and sending her weapon flying out from her hands and with a quick jab knocked her to the floor where she lay, blinking up at Pearl in surprise.

"Alright, you got me," she conceded. 

Pearl looked at her under her spear. This was wrong, it had been too easy... Was she...? Thoughts tumbled around her. That couldn't be it. "No." She beat her. She won. This wasn't right, she shouldn't have won, she didn't want to win! Pearl marched away, grabbing Garnet's weapon and handing it back. "You-" her voice caught, her face flushed a deep blue as she tried to speak. "You have to do better." She settled back into her stance. "Again." 

"Pearl," Garnet tried to get through to her, but Pearl just repeated herself, a hint of desperation in her voice. 

Garnet moved in, intending to take it slower this time but Pearl had other ideas, immediately moving to the offensive and testing Garnet with a wide variety of attacks that came in quick succession, forcing her to focus entirely to keep them at bay. After a few minutes Pearl seemed to up the tempo again, Garnet shrinking back from her friend who had a wild look in her eye, trying to break away from the fight.

"Pearl, that's enough!" Garnet called, but the pale gem didn't listen, lost in the frenzy of her attack, forcing her back further and further taking the pair of them towards the edge and the long fall back to earth that awaited them beyond. Garnet dug in, timing her blocks carefully, jabbing in a few blows that drew a yelp from Pearl as her spear disappeared from her grasp, and finally, with a huge shove, broke the two of them apart.

They stood facing each other panting from the effort, Garnet watching on guard to see what Pearl would do next.

"You were faking it," Pearl finally declared, shutting her eyes for a moment against the tears as relief flooded through her, mixing with the exhaustion and adrenaline of the fight and leaving her shaking as she repeated herself.

Garnet gently laid her hand on her shoulder, getting her attention once more. "I'm sorry. I just thought you needed reminding why you are who you are, what you can do, that you can fight, better than any of us! You're the terrifying renegade Pearl."

"Yes! And look what that got me!" Pearl spat the words out. "I couldn't even stop them. I can't even stop this."

"That's not true!" Garnet insisted. "Pearl, everything you've been through, everything you've done you've always been a fighter, especially against impossible odds. I can't stand to see you to lose sight of that. I know that what happened to you, what those gems did, feels like losing a part of yourself, feels like a failure, but it's not, you're not! You are strong, so much stronger than you know and you can fight this! We might not be able undo this, turn back the clock and remove everything that's happened, but we can choose to pick ourselves up and keep fighting. Because even when we get knocked down, when the odds seem stacked against you and you feel like you're losing every fight... Sometimes victory isn't winning the fight, but that you pick yourself up and keep going! Pearl, this might not be something we can fix easily, that we can put back to normal, but you have to keep trying, you just have to keep up that fight until we get there." Garnet insisted, trying to encourage her. "We'll get there in the end, however long it takes." Pearl looked up at her with her wide blue eyes,

Then laughed.

“Ha!” Pearl scoffed. “Lose- hahaha! Fight- oh Garnet,” Pearl broke away as she let out loud barks of laughter, doubling over and slapping her thigh.

"Okay," Garnet frowned, "that was not meant to be a joke." 

"Ha!" Pearl cut out straightening up, once again serious. "Do you really think I don't know about losing?"

"I know how hard you take it," Garnet said.

Pearl summoned her spear once again, and Garnet's eyes widened as she brought it down, forcing her to block, and they exchanged blows, dancing around each other as they sparred. “We lost hundreds of battles before and kept fighting. You think I don't know that?" She swept around, swinging her spear over her head, forcing Garnet to duck and deflect it off to one side, throwing in a jab that Pearl used her momentum to swirl out the way of, and dart in, catching her spear against her pugil. "You clearly haven’t forgotten the war so quickly either.” Pearl leant in, holding Garnet's weapon back. “Why are we really here Garnet?”

“You were running away. You needed to be reminded of your strength Pearl. You're a fighter, you always have been. You don’t have to be afraid. Pearl, we can help you.” Garnet pushed her away and rolled out the way of another swipe, deflecting the blows as they came. “We can double the sky watch,”

Clang! 

“Reinforce the beach house,” 

Clang.

“Even move the courts further up the beach out of the way if you want, but it is your home, you deserve to feel safe there, whatever it takes.”

Pearl faltered for a moment in her sparring, tarrying on spot her eyes wide in atonishment, forcing Garnet to pull a counter-shot up over her head.

“Oh, you think I’m… Ha!” Pearl scoffed. “I’m not scared!" she shouted, raining blows down on Garnet. "I'm not scared of the attack. How many years did we live not knowing if the Diamonds and their armies would ever return to finish us off?" She was on the offensive again, pushing Garnet back with each swing “I’m not scared of being at the house, being so close to where it happened. There are so many good memories there that one single ambush isn’t going to get anywhere near drowning that out, ever."

“I don’t understand.” It was Garnet’s turn to falter, now just focusing on defending, letting Pearl take out her stress. “You were going to run away.”

"No. I was going to leave to protect you, to protect all of you.” Her determined smile faded away. “Do the one thing that would make the House, Beach City safe again.” She stepped back.

“It is safe.” Garnet closed the space.

“No it isn't. Not from me.” Pearl parried another three blows and pushed Garnet away.

"You're not making any sense.”

"Them!" Pearl waved at her head "This!" She let out a frustrated sigh, batting away another swipe. "We have NO idea what they did to me.” She pressed up against Garnet, spear to stick, tears in her eyes. “They went into my gem, Garnet. They changed me, put these marks in, stole my sight, who knows what else they did? What else are they going to make me do?" She let the question hang in air. "Steven..." Her voice broke, tears flowing.

"Pearl, it's going to be okay. We can go back to the house, talk this through."

"No!" Pearl pushed her away, stepping back. "I can't do this Garnet, I can't risk hurting him! You know how fragile humans are!" 

"Pearl, you'd never hurt him." 

"But I can't stop it." She looked up at Garnet, clutching her spear, pleading with her. "I don’t want to hurt any of you but I may not have a choice." She eyed the fusion then stepped forward abruptly and pushed her back. With a flick of her spear she sent Garnet's stick flying away, disarming her and seeing the surprised fusion stood before her. She'd overpowered her so easily again... 

The choice was made. "See? It's not safe. I'm not safe." She looked away, arms hugged tight to herself. "I have to do this, I have to go!"

"Pearl," Garnet started but Pearl cut across her.

"No." Her heart throbbed and she had to fight her voice level, looking Garnet in the eye. “I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me- it's for the best. Ah-" she stepped back. "-At least this way I know you’ll be safe.” Pearl turned, already heading for the warp pad before she changed her mind.

"Pearl," Garnet tried to reason with her, reaching after her. “Wait! Don't go, we can work this out! We can help you!"

"No!" Pearl cried swinging her spear round and back as she tried to keep her at bay. "Just let me do this!" She hurried away, knowing she had to get to the warp pad first, pulling the spear with her but it stuck, held fast behind her, one last point of resistence to her words. “Just let me GO!” She cried and gave it another tug, eliciting a grunt of discomfort. 

Pearl whipped around and let out a blood chilling shriek, eyes widening to pinprick dots as she followed the shaft of her spear up slowly to where it disappeared, embedded clean through the fusion's chest, the glint of the sharp tip just rising into view behind her shoulder.

  
"GARNET!" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoopsie. Daisy.
> 
> Also Garnet, I just want you to know, from the bottom of my heart: You are a menace to write. The number of times while writing this I wanted one question, just one question but… Nope.  
> Akhfjkdshajkghrjah! (Got there in the end though.)


	10. Collateral Damage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl's world crumbles around her.

Garnet didn't answer, just stood there leant over with a grimace, grasping at the pole of Pearl's spear. Pearl panicked, her mind racing at a hundred miles an hour. She'd hurt her. She'd stabbed Garnet. Pearl shrank back her hands still glued to the spear and refusing to budge, her worst fears laid out before her. She'd lost control. She'd stabbed Garnet.

 _Garnet_.

What was she going to tell the others? What was she going to tell Steven? What would they think of her? 

_Out of control._

No! She couldn't tell them, it was too dangerous, she was dangerous. It was bad enough she'd hurt Garnet but she at least could poof, she would survive. If she hurt Steven... Tears sprung up from her eyes. "I'm sorry!" she sobbed "I didn't mean to! I didn't want this!" Pearl cried, "I didn't want any of this! I couldn't stop it!" She whispered again, "I couldn't stop it." 

She couldn't stop it, whatever damage they intended her to make amongst the Crystal Gems she couldn't help herself, they'd taken over her anyway, forcing her hand. She should have just left. They should have just let her go, far far away from them, where she couldn't hurt them anymore. She should just go, disappear into space.

But what about Garnet? Fresh guilt and grief welled up in her chest as she looked up at her impaled friend. It would be wrong to leave her here, her gems abandoned, but she'd have to- wouldn't she? Surely after she'd been missing the others would worry and come looking. No, they- they wouldn't know where to look.

She'd have to take them back, keep them safe, leave them safe. What if she didn't? Without her around it might just be safe enough up here, and Garnet simply would return once she'd reformed, and tell the others what had happened. It would give her enough time to get well away.

But they would know. Garnet would tell them. Pearl shuddered as she thought of Steven's face as he realised she'd left, that she'd poofed Garnet, that she'd betrayed them. They needed to know, needed to understand that there was no other choice: she was out of control, a threat, a danger to all of them. 

This.

This is what they'd made her into. Some unwitting puppet once more left with no choice but to follow orders. Out of control, out of a choice. Her head filled with the buzzing of the drills once more, this time grabbing hold and digging in tight, the fingers grasping into her mind, a glint of thick chains leading into the distance behind them. Tears streamed down her cheeks amongst tight gasps as her world spun out from under her, everything she knew and loved torn away by a pair of gems on a cool Summer's eve.

Garnet watched Pearl as her eyes widened, her pupils contracted to pinprick dots, her breathing going into overdrive on short sharp unnecessary breaths, catching over garbled half audible apologies and ramblings. Garnet's thoughts ran across her mind, arguing amongst themselves as the realisation hit.

She thinks she'll hurt us, she thinks she'll hurt Steven!

But that's silly! Another thought pouted.

Not to her.

"Pearl," Garnet called gently trying to get the pale gem’s attention, "Pearl I'm going to be fine." She tried to reassure her, comfort her from the wrong end of this stick but Pearl barely noticed, so swept up in her panic.

"Look at me, Pearl! Look at me. Look!" she ordered with a ferocity that finally made Pearl glance up, frozen in terror. "It's going to be okay."

"But I hurt you."

"No, you couldn't. Look at me Pearl, really look at me and you'll understand." Pearl hesitated, before her eyes flickered over her, wincing and blinking away more tears. "That's it. You can do this. Take a moment and think it through, use your logic."

Pearl frowned, looking Garnet up and down. She was... Too calm, too there. "You're not..." Poofed. Garnet had a hand leant on the spear, but that was holding it in place, and her voice was too settled for someone who'd taken an injury like that. She should definitely have dissipated by now, Pearl knew that from experience. She took a closer look. There was no sign of the hint of white that usually skirted the edge of a sudden injury, and now she thought of it she hadn't felt the impact of a strike on the way back. But that meant... 

Garnet stood there still, patiently waiting for Pearl to fit all the pieces together. "I didn't hit you." Garnet nodded slowly and began to glow, a bright white light all over producing a gap in the middle of her body that allowed her to gently move the spear out of the way, Pearl still clinging onto the other end.

"I picked up a few tricks from Topaz," she explained. "You were never going to hurt me Pearl, we're perfectly capable of looking after ourselves. Listen to me: We want to help you. We want you to stay, we want to look after you too but we can't if you cut us out like this, if you keep running away."

"But it's not safe!" Pearl protested.

"It doesn't matter if you don't think it's safe! That's our choice," Garnet declared. "You don't get to take that away from us."

"But, Garnet I-" tears flooded over Pearls cheeks. "Hurt you. I didn't want to hurt you!"

"We know. This isn't like you."

"No, it's not, I'm not. I can't be." 

"And that’s okay.” Pearl looked up at Garnet in surprise. “What happened to you- Nobody expects you to be okay after something like that, but you need to talk to us. Help us help you," Garnet implored, "Because right now I've never seen you so scared, but you're trying to run away from the safest place for you."

"But not for you, not for him!" Pearl cried, "I don't want to hurt him!"

"Pearl, you're not going to hurt Steven."

"How do we know that? Look at this! Those gems did something to me, something to my gem and we don't know what." Pearl's voiced wavered. "Garnet I saw the writing, I really looked at it. I-I thought I might be able to find some clue about the gems that attacked me." Her hands wrung around the spear, clutched close to her chest.

"You shouldn't have worried yourself with something like that."

"What if it's not a... a- an insult, what if it's a warning? Traitor. What if that's me? What if they planted something in there, something bad? What are they going to make me do? I don't want to hurt you, I don't want to hurt Steven." The desperation was clear in her voice.

"You're over-thinking this."

"But the writing Garnet!" Pearl looked up, imploring the fusion with tears in her eyes "It's my writing!"

Garnet sighed. "Pearl, it's your mind. Of course it's your writing. Someone else just put that thing there, and we'll find a way to undo it, in time. For now you just need to rest, recover. We'll fix this."

"You don't believe me."

"I do. I believe you're scared. Pearl," Garnet stopped a protest from her before she could speak, "it's okay to be afraid. You're right. No-one knows exactly what those gems did to you, or why."

"What do they want from me?!" Pearl cried clutching her head.

"This!" Garnet stopped, waving at Pearl. "They want to make you doubt, they want to make you afraid, and right now they're winning that fight. Yes: this isn't like you, but in spite of this, in spite of everything I still don't believe you would hurt Steven. Look at all this: you're tearing yourself apart just to try and keep him safe."

"I don't want to hurt him."

"Of course you don't."

"But I might not have a choice," Pearl pleaded with her. "Please, I- I don't want to hurt you, I don't want to hurt any of you." 

"We know."

Pearl seemed to realise what she was doing, throwing her spear down with a clang as tears welled once more. "But I nearly did it anyway." She collapsed to her knees, head in her hands. "What's happening to me?" 

Garnet came and knelt with her, reaching out. "Pearl, listen to me. Whoever attacked you wanted this- They wanted to cut you off from Steven, they wanted to cut you off from us. Don't let them win, you're stronger than this." 

"It doesn't feel like it." Pearl curled into herself. "Garnet I don't know if I am strong enough to stop this. Please," she tried to convince her one last time, "maybe it is better I go."

"You don't need to," Garnet tried to convince her. "You need to stop this: Stop thinking you have to face it alone! You're not. We're here."

"I don't want to hurt you." 

Garnet carefully knelt and wrapped the shivering gem up in a hug, holding her tight until she settled once more, limply resting against the fusion, waiting until Garnet decided she'd properly calmed down.

But as soon as she tried to let go Pearl immediately tensed up, grabbing hold of her arm her fingers digging in and dragging it back down again, wrapping Garnet's hand firmly back onto her own wrist forming that solid ring around herself once more. 

_Pearl_. Garnet wasn't sure what to say. She'd seen the panic on Pearl's face, that tight blank look of a person acting on instinct and she wavered, realising what she had in her arms was little more than surrender. "I can't keep you here forever." 

Pearl was crying again, this time silent tears that rippled through her. Garnet pulled back holding Pearl at bay, waiting patiently until she gave her her full attention, those big pleading blue eyes looking up for her, reaching for her. "Pearl, listen to me: you need to trust us. We're perfectly capable of looking after ourselves, and we want to help you." Pearl pulled away but Garnet held on.

"Listen to me! We can help you find a way through this if you just trust us and let us help you. Let us have the chance to prove that to you. We want to prove that to you. Please," she stood, leaving a cool flurry of air to swirl around Pearl and pulled her to her feet, "come home."

Amethyst and Steven were waiting inside when they returned.

"You found her!"

"Pearl, what were you doing with the Rose-water?" Steven dove straight in with the question, the others falling silent. Pearl stood rooted to the spot, Garnet at her shoulder. "You know it brings those marks back."

"I wanted to see them," Pearl explained meekly, too tired from it all to lie. "I thought I would be able to work out what sort of gem wrote them, figure out who did this. If we can track them down... Maybe they can undo this." Pearl stared off into the distance, following a distant dream. "Undo all of it."

They looked at each other.

"Pearl, I don't know how to say this but... That's not gonna happen," Amethyst said, leaving Pearl gaping at her. "What?" Amethyst retorted. "Even if we did find them, why would they want to undo it? What possible reason could they have to put everything back? Pearl, they could have _shattered_ you," she said, "left us with nothing but shards to scrape off the beach, but they didn't. They had this all planned out, all ready to go. They knew exactly what they were doing. Gems like that don't just turn around apologise and put everything back how it was before, even if we did manage to find them. Chasing this won't do you any good, just break your heart in the long run. Please, you need to drop this Pearl. The rest of us have."

"But Garnet I thought you said-"

"This wouldn't help." She looked away. "I know you want this gone, but we could have spent hours looking for those gems, lifetimes searching distant worlds on possible tip-offs, asking gems who might do this, who might be this crazy." Garnet paused. "We haven't found them, and we're not going to. Amethyst's right: even if we did happen to find them, they wouldn't undo this just because we asked."

"We get it Pearl, we really do: no one would want to be put through what they've done to you, and you want revenge, but you need to let it go." Steven finished, watching her for her response.

There was a pause, silence hanging in the air between them.

"An admirable sentiment, but that wasn't why she left," Garnet finally said.

"Pearl, what is she talking about?" Pearl glared back at Garnet, then looked away, avoiding his gaze, her face flushed blue.

"Pearl?"

"Steven, whatever those gems did, they went right into my gem, my mind. They've changed my sight, somehow coded these marks into me, and I don't know what else they've done."

"No one does."

"Pink." Pearl gulped. "I can't see pink, pink healing powers: Steven I think they're trying to target you. Very few gems would dare attack you so openly now but if they didn't want to attack you, they might get someone else to."

Steven began to look distraught. "Wait, what are you saying?"

"I can't stay." Pearl fidgeted, unable to look Steven in the eye.

"Pearl thinks she might be made to attack you," Garnet explained, "that the gems might make her their weapon."

"I don't want to hurt you but I may not have a choice. Until we know otherwise I shouldn't, I can't stay with you. It's too dangerous."

"You don't seem dangerous to me," Steven responded. Pearl edged towards Garnet hiding away behind her.

"Yeah Pearl, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard you say," Amethyst declared, crossing her arms. What did she know?!

Pearl swept around with a glare, tears in her eyes. "What about all those times I've zoned out, or fell asleep? I don't even know if it is sleep, but ever since the attack I can barely keep awake! I have no idea what's happening to me in those blackouts and I-I can't stop them either, I just find myself waking from the same nightmare over and over and over and I just want it to stop but I can't!" Pearl cried. "I can't stop, I can't stop it..."

"Newsflash Pearl: that's what sleep does," Amethyst berated, "you idiot. Besides, you've had more than enough opportunity in those 'blackouts'" she curled her fingers in air quotes around the word, "to hurt Steven already. If anything was going to happen it would have already happened." Amethyst's face set in a scowl. "You're just fussing yourself over nothing. Again." 

Pearl gaped at the purple gem, shaking. Nothing? Nothing?! How could she dismiss all this as nothing?!

"Hey! it's clearly not nothing to Pearl," Steven pointed out and Amethyst stomped off to the corner, pouting. "Pearl, you don't have to go, we'll think of something."

"For now we should set up a watch to keep an eye on Pearl in case there is a problem,” Garnet said. “If you do start acting out of character, we'll know."

"How?" Amethyst moaned from across the room. "She's been 'acting out' since the attack. Pretty sure she's acting out now," she grumbled.

"See?" Pearl pleaded with them "it's not just me that's noticed something's wrong." She wrapped her arms around herself. "Perhaps I should just go."

Garnet looked her in the eye. "Pearl, remember what we agreed earlier.”

“Fine. I’ll try it,” Pearl relented, “for a while anyway.”

"Good. Steven, Amethyst, a word." They followed Garnet just outside the front door, glancing inside as they talked. Pearl flushed with embarrassment, knowing they were talking about her, and returned her attention to the sloop, waiting until the door opened once again. Amethyst traipsed straight past her and into the temple, leaving Pearl to look to the others, waiting for the verdict.

"We're going to have someone stay out here with you tonight, to keep watch, make sure nothing happens." Relief flowed through Pearl.

"I'll get the sleeping bag." Steven disappeared upstairs, leaving Garnet with Pearl.

Pearl fidgeted. "Garnet, I er..." She trailed off under the gaze of the fusion. "Thank you," Her face flushed as she tried to find the words, her eyes glistening. "For this. For not giving up on me, and for not being mad at me for trying to run off again." Garnet stayed quiet. "I suppose you've been keeping a close eye on me already, to know that I was. Am I that predictable?"

Garnet looked up and adjusted her visor. "Yes."

A loud thump came from behind her as Amethyst deposited the mattress on the floor, dusted her hands off and headed straight into the temple. Garnet followed her.

"Wait," Pearl hurried after Garnet. "Where are you going? Oof!" She clattered off a new wall formed before her that glistened and threw the room into a bluish haze. She spun, to find the distortion comprised of solid diamond fragments that stretched in an impenetrable dome around her, the sloop and

"Steven!" She gasped "what are you doing? Drop this shield at once!" She ordered, pressing against the hard surface hoping to shift it.

"No." Steven pulled out the sleeping bag out its bag with a tug, letting it unravel to the floor. "We're going to prove to you that you don't need to worry about being brainwashed. You're not going to hurt any of us. You're not going to hurt me. We are staying in here, and I am going to bed for the night, just to show you that nothing is going to happen."

"No!" Pearl was incredulous. What were they doing? Had he lost his mind? Had they all lost their minds? "No, NO!" She turned to Garnet. "Garnet, you have to talk to him, tell him to stop this, to get out of here." Garnet turned away, ferrying Amethyst into the temple. "Where are you going? You have to stay, you have to keep watch, you have to protect him!" They ignored her, and she could only watch their retreating backs. "You said you would help!" 

Garnet stopped her in her tracks.

"This will help." Garnet turned in the doorway. "I'm going to seal us in the temple until morning. We'll see you then."

"Please," Pearl begged her, implored her. "I can't-" her voice caught, choking on the panic that swelled up inside her.

"Breathe Pearl, you've got this." Her gaze lingered briefly on Pearl before she took a step back further inside.

"Garnet no!" Pearl cried throwing herself against the wall as the door closed behind them then flared briefly as it was locked, rendered inaccessible from the outside even by gems. "Don't leave me here, you can't leave me here!"

"Pearl," Steven spoke softly "it's okay, it's going to be okay." She whipped around to glare at him.

"How do you know?" she snapped at him "You have no idea what might happen. What I might do." She turned back to the strange glass shell and landed a fist on it with a hollow bong. "Let me out, or even better, let yourself out," she said bitterly. "I don't want to hurt you."

"You're not going to hurt me. And I'm going to prove that to you. I'm going to get in my sleeping bag, go to sleep, and wake up tomorrow morning just as well as I am now, although hopefully a little less tired," he added as an aside, "and that's it. That's all that's going to happen."

"No, no, don't, you can't- please to have to stay awake at least, please, you have to protect yourself." 

Steven watched her with a pang of guilt but persisted, climbing into his sleeping bag. "You should try and get some sleep too."

Pearl's hands flew to her mouth. "I can't." How could she? How else could she stop herself from hurting Steven? She turned and pounded on the dome. "Garnet! Amethyst! Please! You have to get me out of here!"

"Pearl, this isn't helping," Steven grumbled, rolling over with a huff as she kept bashing against the walls, a persistent drumbeat that battered his ears. "Pearl!" She looked around, frozen at his sharp tone. "Could you at least keep the volume down for me?" He asked.

Her eyes flickered to the dome, and the temple door beyond. He let out groan. "Don't tell me you're actually planning to keep me up all night, because I am not letting us out until I've had my sleep, and that means my proper human full nights sleep-" Pearl tried to interrupt. "Ah-" Steven held up a finger, cutting her off. "-whenever that may be."

Pearl relented. She knew the tone and he really meant it. "Fine." If he was going to sleep, she would just have to make sure she didn't. She folded her arms and slid down the wall of the dome, facing inwards, ready to stay in place for the whole night.

It was hard to tell how long passed and she found herself pacing. The cloud cover meant it was dark out (never mind that the haze of the dome threw everything outside it into shade anyway), and Steven's breathing had quickly settled out into his familiar rhythm of sleep. A pang of nostalgia gripped her, realising it had been years since she'd spent a night watching over him, something about his peaceful face so captivating to watch. She caught herself staring and retreated back over to the furthest side of the dome, placing herself with the sloop in the line of sight between them and settling down into her vigil once more.

And she waited.

She waited for the pang of pain in her head, that dull ache, the absent thoughts, the whirling storm that hovered at the edge of her mind ready to sweep in. She forced herself to stay awake against the headache, keeping watch, whiling away the hours counting the number of diamonds this cage was made of

"Pearl?" She stirred at Steven's voice and blinked her eyes open to find herself lying out on the floor, the cold stone pressing against her face. She pulled away, looking up to see Steven's beaming face, the also smiling faces of Amethyst and Garnet behind him and a bright light shining in from outside.

She scrambled into a sitting position, looking around frantically. They were still in the beach house, the hard stone floor by the warp pad. The dome was gone and with it her point of reference. Had she moved? "I- what, what happened?" 

"Nothing!" Steven joyfully declared, a huge grin on his face. 

"Told ya so," Amethyst added smugly her arms folded across her chest.

"But-"

"Pearl, I slept the whole night through," he assured her. "Eight hours of prime naptime, and not a single disturbance."

"Looks like he wasn't the only one," Garnet pointed out. "You were completely zonked out this morning."

Pearl frowned. It didn't seem possible but the crick in her neck and sore elbow seemed to agree with them.

"We would have left you to rest but Steven has to head out to homeschool in a bit," Amethyst explained. "Didn't want to leave you out of the good news."

"Soo..." he ventured, "Still think you're going to go brainwashed on us?"

Pearl brushed her head, trying to process it.

Nothing. She'd fallen asleep with him right there and... Nothing. Could it be?

"I... guess not." Pearl blinked. "Huh. Fancy that." 


	11. Road Rage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bismuth gets Pearl to help her out in the forge.

Pearl ducked into the already warm forge, the click of the door drawing the large smith around to greet her.

"Pearl! Glad you made it."

Glad was something of an understatement. When Steven had come by asking her to help keep an eye on Pearl, try and keep her busy, take her mind off things she'd said yes straight away, jumping at the chance to finally help after the dragging weeks they'd been kept away from the beach house. She had just the thing. This'd draw her out of her shell- Pearl wouldn't be able to resist helping! Bismuth thought. But when he'd explained why, explained what had been happening she began to doubt if Pearl would get there at all.

The secretiveness and repeated instructions to stay away since the attack suddenly made sense. She wasn't getting better.

She nearly ran away.

The gems had stopped her, quelled her fears about the attackers, and kept her safe, hoping this'd be the corner to something better.

But she'd simply withdrawn even further into herself, barely registering their words and efforts and they were running out of ideas. 

Pearl. She'd never been this quiet. Hundreds of years of fierce one-sided battles and yet she'd never been so subdued.

Bismuth quelled a shudder, looking at Pearl with a beaming smile, her arms wide open to welcome her into a hug. For a moment she didn't notice, just stood inside the door her gaze drifting around the forge without really seeing, the usual spark and enthusiasm that lit her up no more than a memory in Bismuth's heart. All those years in the rebellion, all those years knowing her she didn't once think that Pearl could become this. 

She looked so tired, the shadowy figure that hovered by the wall a fragment of her normal self. What have they done to you? Bismuth wondered in dismay. Those gems... She made a mental note to herself to add a few extra spikes to her latest Project up in the old forge. Yes, she knew she wouldn't use it- Steven would disapprove- but it was a good way to work off steam, and hammer out her feelings, the rhythmic working of the metal and the concentration it demanded taking her mind off this.

"Come on, don't leave me hanging." 

Pearl glanced up, locked eyes, and finally mustered a small smile and made her way over, leaning delicately into the hug, Bismuth taking care not to squeeze her too much, even if part of her wanted to hold on and never let her go.

"It's good to see you," Bismuth murmured with the deepest sincerity, willing Pearl to know she truly meant it, then pulled back to give her a warm generous smile hoping she'd feel better. Hoping she'd stay. "I got a special order I could really use your help and expertise on."

"Oh?" She perked up and a little came closer, curiosity drawing her in. Good. "What is it?" Bismuth showed her outside to a car parked up with a significant indent cut vertically into the bonnet, the curled metal and misshapen wheels a clear sign that it wouldn't be going anywhere soon.

"Crazy Lace ran into a car. Well the car ran into her, but she ran into the road: She looked the wrong way. Thankfully no-one was hurt but the car's in a bit of a mess. We're trying to get it fixed up but I don't really know what all of these bits are meant to do. Reckon you can help us Doll?"

Pearl took a good look at the car, and some of the piles of broken parts stacked inside. "Of course I can. It's a relatively simple combustion engine after all, I know them well enough. Mm." She tapped her fingers on the front of the car. It was the only part of the car that was a crumpled mess. "Rebuilding the frame and panels are one thing, but we'll need to get in here to stand any chance of getting this functioning again." 

"Great, let's get started." Bismuth clapped her hands together and gave them a rub, grabbing hold of the metalwork and slowly pulling it back out to a better approximation of its original shape. Behind her she could hear Pearl chattering over a list of tasks they needed to do, and she paused as she heard her repeating the same three elements over and over again, trying to figure out what else she was missing. Suddenly unsure if this was such a good idea Bismuth tugged the last section of bonnet back into shape with a torturous metallic shriek, mind racing as she battled over what to do.

She leapt as Pearl tapped her on the shoulder. "From what I can see, there's quite a lot of damage- there will be more, but for now we're going to need replacements for these," she declared, as Bismuth carefully collected the pile from her. "I'll take a look and see what we could make or repair here, but there'll still be a number of items we'll have to buy new. I'll write up a list. We should be able to get this done in no time at all." 

She was off muttering again, already focused on the next task at hand. Bismuth allowed herself a small smile. Pearl knew this. It was just what she needed, a little confidence boost. The smile flickered as she watched Pearl scribble on a loose sheaf of paper, scratching through the previous item and writing it out again and again, blinking frequently, frowning and frequently rubbing her head as she poured over the car, managing to tag her gem with an oily streak. She kept the pattern up, shifting here and there when she thought she'd been spotted, hoping Bismuth wouldn't notice, but she'd seen her out the corner of her eye leaning heavily on the car, trying to catch a breath. Bismuth felt a pang of guilt. Should she really be doing this?

"Uh, hey P," Pearl glanced over her shoulder with an indifferent 'hm?' "If you need to take a break for whatever, just give me a shout. I won't mind. I can even take you back to the Temple if need be." Pearl seemed to consider it for a moment then set back to work studying the broken vehicle, and Bismuth hovered, waiting for a response that wasn't forthcoming before she went back inside.

After about an hour the working peace of the forge was shattered.

"Greetings! I heard you had a human transport vehicle to repair and came to offer my most capable assistance." Peridot marched straight into forge, letting the door bounce off the wall. "My knowledge of human machines is unsurpassed by any gem."

"Sorry Peridot, but Pearl here beat you to it."

"Hwhaa-?!" Peridot turned and finally caught sight of Pearl, and broke out into a huge grin. "Pearl!" She zoomed over, wrapping her in a hug, squeezing a strangled noise from her as she managed to lift her a couple of inches off the ground and spin her around in her enthusiasm. "It's good to see you out and about again, you really had us worried when Steven shut everyone out of the house."

Bismuth ran her hand through her hair with a grimace as Peridot rattled on without the barest hint of tact. 

But Pearl didn't seemed to notice, Bismuth realised. She was just stood there frozen, gaping transfixed at Peridot.

"Pearl?" Bismuth edged towards her, uncertainty upon her. She knew about the nightmares, but right here and now wasn't sure if she could bear to see Pearl fall apart like the gems gone by. 

Then Pearl laughed.

She let out a splutter, her hands flying up to her mouth to quell it, her face wrinkled up in bemusement. She snorted, her face crinkled even further and she laughed, loud, choppy disconnected barks at first that cut into confused silence, then quickly grew until she dissolved into all consuming laughter at some unseen joke.

"Er, is she okay?" Peridot raised an eyebrow at Pearl's unexpected amusement. "Did I miss something?"

"Not that I'm aware of. Pearl?" Bismuth stepped forward, watching the gem shake and laugh, doubled over arms hugged around herself, tears at her eyes. Taking a few shuddering gasps she seemed to settle, blinking it back and looking around but as soon as she caught sight of Peridot again she collapsed back into laughter, wincing and coughing as her ribs complained.

"I'm gonna go with no." Bismuth went to her side, rubbing her back trying to work her out of this. "Go on," Bismuth nodded Peridot to the door. "Best give her some space."

"Wait," Pearl gasped, throwing out a hand, wiping the tears from her watering eyes and trying to steady herself, pinching at the bridge of her nose. "No, it's okay, I'm okay."

"What was That about?" Peridot enquired, keeping a cautious distance, as they waited for Pearl to explain herself.

"Sorry, I just-" Pearl peeked at Peridot, and her face flushed again. "I was surprised. You look a little... Different." She reconsidered. "A lot different. In colours." She rubbed her forehead and let out a slow stream of air.

"How different?" Peridot queried, waiting expectantly. Thankfully she seemed more curious than anything. 

Pearl looked her up and down, trying to figure out just how she could put this into words. "Well the thing is,-"

She tried again. "What I mean to say is that you- you-"

She stuttered off.

"I mean our appearances are illusions anyway it isn't as if it's a fundamental aspect of ourselves! What am I saying it's exactly a fundamental aspect of ourselves." She groaned in exasperation. "This is ridiculous! All I need to say is that you look like, You. Look. Like." 

"Like what?"

Pearl tailed off, seeing Peridot's expectant face, and let her arms drop to the side with a tired sigh. "If I squinted you could pass for a misshapen ruby."

"A ruby?" Peridot wondered. "Pah. Ahaha ha. Ha! That IS funny!" She dissolved into laughter too. "Me a Ruby! Oh that's a good one. Hey Lapis!" Peridot disappeared outside.

"Hey Pearl," Bismuth caught up with her in the quiet. "You okay?"

"I'm fine." The sound of creaking metal made her eyes widen. "Ahh! Our project might not be!"

They rushed outside to the car but to their relief Peridot was just climbing onto its roof, where Lapis was lounging.

"Hello Lapis," Pearl called, getting a casual wave in return.

"A Ruby! Imagine that." The blue gem didn't seem to notice Peridot flapping around her, exuding a sense of chilled detachment Pearl realised she was more than a little jealous of.

She flinched back as Peridot appeared at the edge of the car, staring straight down at her, a somewhat unnerving grin plastered over her face.

"So did they really go into your gem? I know of destabilisers and restabilisers and a whole array of interface systems but I've never of any that physically go into the gem itself." She leant further, trying to peer at her pearl. "I mean it's positively barbaric but in theory if you take your basic quartz circuit and miniaturise it, a lot, you might, and I say might just be able to get down onto a scale to match the neural pathways within a gemstone and at that point you could do almost anything to a gem, in theory. How you could get a device down to that scale is a mystery, they'd need as much computing power as a gem at least to match up with the processing power of an active gem mind and not get overwhelmed. Did you see what it looked like? How big was it? What was it made of? How did it feel? Tell me everything." 

Peridot had leant so far over she was practically on top on her now, her eyes glowing. Pearl shrunk away as far as she could without falling over, fists tensed shut, knuckles white over the wrench she had hold of, as she shook, eyes wide staring distracted by unwelcome memories that rose up once more.

"I-" Pearl worked hard, drawing on every ounce of strength she had to hold it back, to answer, to appear normal. "I'd rather not."

Peridot looked disappointed, but it was done, and Bismuth had already turned the small gems attention elsewhere, drawing her back into the forge. Pearl breathed a shaky sigh of relief. 

"She's barely stopped talking about what happened to you." Pearl started as Lapis spoke.

"Oh." Great, thought Pearl, the last thing she needed was Peridot obsessing over her. 

"Lapis!" Peridot reappeared waving her tablet. "Shopping trip!" Without explaining she leapt onto a dustbin lid and flew off down the street, leaving them in silence.

"Pearl." She jumped as Lapis caught her by surprise again. She was usually so quiet around her. "You're staring." 

"Oh! Oh I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's just..." Pearl looked away, rubbing her head, cheeks glowing blue in embarrassment. "After all that has happened, everything has changed so much but you, you're the only one who looks... Normal."

"Normal?" Lapis seemed bemused by the word.

"The same as before." Pearl smiled weakly. 

"Huh." She paused, then looked down at Pearl. "It never is you know." With that she unfurled her wings and took off, looping into the summer's sky.

They kept working, Bismuth forging replacement components whilst Pearl welded, instructed and assembled the car back into shape. 

"Bismuth, can you give me a hand with this?"

Bismuth happily trotted outside, to see Pearl sliding out from under the car, and followed her instructions to lift the vehicle up, holding it whilst Pearl worked, and occasionally passing her various tools.

"Could you pass me the ratchet wrench?"

"Sure." Bismuth took a look around. "Huh, I can't see it."

"Are you sure it's not on the shelf?"

Bismuth looked. "Yup. No wrench in sight."

Pearl slid out. "That's strange it was right there." She stood and had a look for herself. Hmm. It had gone. She wouldn't have left it inside. When did she use it last? She'd been working underneath, tightening the lower mounts and

"Oh!" Pearl blushed as she realised. "I put it in my gem. Silly me." She waved her hand over her head and her gem glowed, then faded away, leaving Pearl grasping thin air.

Huh?

She tried again, visualising the item and willing it forth, but again her gem produced nothing. What was going on? She tried again and again.

"Pearl?"

"It was right here!" she flustered, continually grasping at the emptiness her gem produced.

"It's alright, we can take a break if-"

"No, it's not alright!" Pearl kept trying her gem, patting it desperately attempting to pull out the wrench with no success, her frustration growing. "It was here, it should be here!" she cried, shaking.

"Pearl!" Bismuth stopped her, catching her hands. "Woah, easy there! It's okay," she reassured her. "It's probably just stress. You've been pushing yourself too hard. We can take a break. We've already done a lot today," Bismuth give her an encouraging nudge. "Waaay more than I'd have managed on my own." Pearl blinked up at her, pushing out tears that slipped down her face. "Hey don't give me that. You've been working hard today and I know what you're like- always pushing yourself further than you should. We probably should have taken you back at least an hour ago." 

"But the car..."

"The car can wait. The owner's not expecting it for a while. We've got plenty of time, we can finish it later. Easy. Come on, I'll take you back to the Temple."

Bismuth wasn't surprised when Pearl didn't appear the next day, but when she was still a no-show the day after and the day after that she began to wonder if she'd scared her off completely, and whether she ought to venture down to the Temple to see what was up, even if it was uninvited.

Then came the knock at the door. 

"Hello?" 

Bismuth spun around with a smile. "Pearl!" She swept her up into a hug. "I was beginning to worry about you." Bismuth glanced up as Amethyst snuck in after and propped herself up against the doorway.

"I, er" Pearl's face flushed and she looked away. "Might have overdone it the other day."

"Yeah this doofus nearly slept for two days straight after you brought her back," Amethyst explained. Not to mention the day and a half they spent having to convince her to come back at all. But true to her word Amethyst didn't mention that, and for that Pearl was grateful.

"Well I've finished making the parts you wanted, and Peridot and Lapis got the rest of the stuff we need so we should be able to finish it off in a few days or so." Bismuth beamed at her. 

Pearl didn't seem to notice. "Today." She turned towards the door, "We're going to finish it today." With that she disappeared outside again, and Bismuth followed, after an uncertain glance at Amethyst. Pearl hadn't smiled. For as long as she'd known her, not matter how bad the situation she always smiled when they met. But there was no time to ask exactly what happened these past couple of days and she followed her outside.

"Oh hey Bismuth!"

"Steven! Don't tell me Garnet's hiding around here somewhere too." 

"Nah, she's busy."

"Too bad, she could have helped with some of the welding," Bismuth chortled, giving Steven a nudge. "She knows a thing or two about sticking together."

"Ha, fusion joke!" Steven grinned "That's a good one."

Bismuth glanced towards Pearl. Still no response. "So Steven, what are you doing here?"

Pearl answered for them. "We needed someone to take the car back once we're done. Neither of you know how to drive, and I can't." She said bluntly.

"Pearl-" Bismuth hated seeing her like this, but Pearl ignored her, focused only on one thing, already snapping out instructions, her face set in a tired frown.

"We're all going to have to pitch in to get this fixed up and finished. Amethyst, if you get to work on the tyres with Steven, I'll go over the wiring whilst Bismuth welds the frame again."

"Pearl," Bismuth tried again.

"-it'll need more reinforcement." Pearl disappeared inside, Bismuth watching the familiar star slip out of sight.

"Did I do something wrong?" she asked Steven. 

"No, no it's not your fault, she didn't mean to be rude. She's just got a lot on her mind."

"I thought this was meant to take her mind off all that."

"Turns out that's a lot more difficult than we thought." He sighed. "She was happy you know, to be up here with you. She just got a little dissuaded, pushed herself too much too soon. So we just gotta pick her up again, get her back on the horse, let her find she **can** still do the things she could before." Steven said hopefully. "We can do this, she can do this!"

"I'm sorry, I, I should have sent her home earlier in the first place," Bismuth tried to explain. "If I had she'd never have-"

"Listened to you?" Steven deadpanned, and the caught eyes with a knowing smile. 

Bismuth chuckled. "True that. She can be pretty stubborn sometimes." Bismuth's smile turned into a grimace. "Don't tell her I said that, she'd never let me live it down."

Steven laughed. "It's true though! Like I said before: she wanted to be here."

"Hmm." They watched as Pearl reappeared briefly, holding the door open whilst Amethyst hauled out the wheels. Bismuth waved, but Pearl had already gone back inside. "She really doesn't want to talk." She hadn't even spoken a word to Amethyst except instruction.

"She thinks she should have gotten this finished the other day, just like dad's van," Steven pointed out.

"Wait, in a day, in one day?!" Bismuth gaped at him. "That's crazy!"

"Well she's done it before." 

"Ha-hah! Of course she has. That's our Pearl!" Her grin faded. "A day. And I sent her home. I really mucked it up didn't I?"

"No, you did the right thing," He waved his hands, "I mean, come on: Two days! Nobody sleeps that long."

"But look at her," Bismuth watched as she reappeared again, immediately pulling up the bonnet and burying herself inside. "She wants this so badly. She doesn't care what it does to herself." Bismuth realised what she was saying. "Aw gees. It's just a car..."

Steven turned to face Bismuth, look her square in the eye. "You need to talk to her."

"Er Earth to Steven: she's not talking to me. I can't even get her to look at me."

"She'll come round, we just need to keep trying." Bismuth frowned at his optimism. "Look, I know that when she gets like this it's hard to get through to her, but you just gotta be patient. Be persistent. We just gotta be there until she can, until she's willing to hear us again. Even if that means being bossed around playing chauffeur for a day."

"Yeah," Bismuth perked up a bit. "Yeah! She can't keep it up forever."

She kept it up. Every time Bismuth thought she got Pearl on her own to talk, she simply had another instruction, or someone else she needed to talk to. It was frustrating and the car was getting dangerously close to being finished. In fact, in a shorter time than Bismuth thought possible, it was ready. After a false start and a small frenzied bout of double checking the wiring it fired up to an array of cheers, and Steven took it for a short spin around Little Homeworld.

He pulled back in. "She's running really well Pearl!"

"Woo! Good job P!" Bismuth cheered, Amethyst whooping and clapping beside her. Pearl ignored them and leant into the window to talk to Steven, cleaning off her hands. "You'd better take that back. They'll want to know it's fixed." A few indiscernible words from Steven and the car revved up a little, pulling away.

They watched the car disappear around the corner, and Bismuth glanced down. Still no smile from Pearl, and she was staring into the distance. This was her chance!

"Hey, great job P."

She was already walking away, heading off towards the warp pad.

"Woah there Pearl! Hold up!" Bismuth called. She paused, not looking back. "Aren't you going to celebrate?"

"What for?"

"You just managed to fix up a total wreck in less than two days. That's good. Actually that's amazing! It'd have taken me a week at least to get anywhere close. At least!"

"It's just a simple mechanical contraption," Pearl responded, dismissing the idea with a wave. "They're nothing special once you get to know them." 

"Hey, what you've done **_is_** special. Don't sell yourself short. I know of plenty of people who'd be chasing after after your skill and expertise on these machines." Bismuth watched Pearl with a thoughtful gaze. "Hey, you know what? We could take more orders, set you up a workshop- they'd be queueing round the block for you. What d'ya say?"

"No."

"What? Why not?" Bismuth blinked in surprise as Pearl muttered her answer. "Pearl?"

"I don't want to be reminded of what I can't do." She glanced at the tyre marks in the mud and looked away. "I'm going home now," she finished, in a tone that made clear her desire not to pursue the subject further.

Bismuth watched her retreating back in dismay, mouthing a hundred empty half started attempts to bring her back, to tell her it was okay, tell her she could do so much more. But none of them materialised and she desperately caught Amethyst's eye. 'I tried. What now?' she mouthed.

Amethyst looked worried, fidgeting, then shrugged, hands up in the universal gesture of 'I don't know'.

Bismuth nudged her 'Talk to her', nodding to Pearl as she strode off towards the warp pad. 

Amethyst looked between them for a moment, thinking furiously then gave a single nod and skipped after Pearl. "Ah, where are you going?" She grabbed hold of Pearl's arm and swung her around. "This way."

Pearl protested, "but the Temple's-"

"Hey, it's a nice day. We're walking," Amethyst declared, holding an arm around her waist, stopping her from turning back, and giving Bismuth a hidden thumbs up.

Thankfully they made the majority of the walk back in silence. Pearl did not want to spend the time in idle chatter. She pressed ahead head down, not noticing the worried and thoughtful looks Amethyst had on her the whole way back to town.

"Hold up, we're here!" Amethyst chirped. Pearl looked up, confusion etched on her face. Surely it was too soon to be back by now. She was right. They were only just at the edge of town, still some way away from home. She said as much.

"Here? Amethyst, the Temple's still another ten minute walk away."

"We're not going to the Temple. I have a special surprise for you. Close your eyes." 

"Why?" Pearl asked.

"'Cus It won't be a surprise if you peek?" 

"No, why are you doing this?"

"I thought you deserved a special treat- we managed to fix the car after all!" Amethyst pointed out but Pearl didn't seem impressed. "Peeaarl, come ooonnnn. You've earnt this. You fixed that car. You did good girl. You deserve a treat."

Pearl sighed. "I rather just go back to the Temple."

"Come onnnn... Pleaase? For me?" Pearl shook her head. "You know you want to. Trust me, you'll like this." Amethyst tried to needle her into it. "Just try it, come on."

Amethyst was being persistent, and Pearl relented as she knew she wouldn't let it go until she had her 'fun'. "Alright then," she conceded.

No sooner than she'd shut her eyes Amethyst interlaced her hand in hers and tugged her away, almost running ahead in her excitement, forcing Pearl to hop and skip to try and keep up with her, letting out a yelp as she half tripped over the uneven ground. Amethyst chuckled, using her momentum to pull her forwards into her arms and carry her above her head, breaking into a run with a whoop and a grin.

"No peeking!" 

That part was easy, and Pearl held on, eyes pinned shut as she let herself be transported through town like this until a semi-familar array of clinks, pings and overlapping musical jingles surrounded them, and she was dumped a little forcefully in a seat.

"Wait for it..." Pearl could hear the clink of coins as Amethyst fiddled around nearby. She already had a sneaking suspicion about where they were.

 _"Kill The Road!"_ the electronic voice declared, and Pearl's eyes snapped open. They were in the arcade. 

"Ta-da!" Amethyst waved at the console, all paid up and ready to go. "If you can't drive on the roads, you can drive on the screen. Nobody can stop you. What do you think?"

Pearl's faced was pulled into a grimace, as she flickered through horror, realisation and dismay.

"Yeah, we shouldn't tell Garnet, I don't think she'd approve," Amethyst warned, but could only watch as Pearl jumped out from the seat as though stung, retreating away. "Wait!" Amethyst called after her.

"Look I know you're upset about not being allowed to drive and I just thought that you might want to practise, see if you can, maybe get good enough to show them it's okay to let you out on the roads again. I figured that with the driving ban if you're not allowed on the roads themselves then you need somewhere to practise and this is the closest thing we've got. What do you say?" Pearl hovered. "No harm in giving it a go right?" Amethyst waited and was rewarded as, after a moment, Pearl lowered herself back down, her hands tracing over the familiar controls.

She squinted. As with everything else the colours on the screen were changed, faded. But she could still see all the details. She gently pushed the throttle, pulling away.

 _"You're horrible!"_ claimed the electronic voice, but she ignored it, focusing on the rules of the road. If she could show them she could still do this, maybe they'd let her back.

 _"You're horrible!"_

"You're doing great P!" Amethyst cheered her on as she avoided the somewhat erratic in-game traffic, picking up speed. "You've got this!" She was right. This was easy, she already knew it inside out. She swerved a little to avoid a rogue car. That's okay, they wouldn't be allowed to do that in real life anyway. She kept going, Amethyst encouraging her, and even occasionally calling out the less realistic rogue elements of the game.

It happened so quickly. 

She'd hit the junction, and everything started coming across. On screen her pixelated vehicle clipped the edge of another, spinning around.

 _"You're fantastic!"_ Pearl clenched the wheel, spinning it round and drifting out the spin, and found herself head on into traffic, with nowhere to go, catching hit after hit. _"Combo! That's great! You're amazing!"_

"It's okay Pearl, we can keep trying, we'll figure-" Amethyst tried to reassure her but Pearl snarled and slammed the accelerator down. Onscreen the car ploughed up through the cars, throwing up tally after tally of points as she flicked the wheel this way and that, seemingly colliding with every single obstacle in sight. 

"-or we could do that," Amethyst conceded, then watched in amazement as Pearl worked, the score in the corner shooting up faster than she'd ever seen it, slipping past the previous high score in short measure. "Woah." Something exploded. "Ha-ha, yeah! You go Pearl! Wreck it up!" 

She kept going, Amethyst cheering her on as she kept up the careful balance of catching repair cans and causing damage, even executing a near perfect donut to catch an almost completely hidden fuel tank that sent her score sky high.

_"Out of fuel. Game over."_

The car on the screen stopped, Pearl clutching the wheel still tense and panting, starting to blink a little.

_"New High Score!"_

"Yes Pearl!" Amethyst was dancing around her. "Go Pearl, go Pearl, go Pearl!"

"Wha-?"

"You were amazing! It was all Crash! And Pow! And then, and then you hit the station and it all went Boooom!" Amethyst hopped around on the spot. "You should have told me you were that good at this."

"I've never really played it like that before." Pearl's face flushed and her hand flew up and covered her mouth. "Oh no."

"That doesn't matter- That's how you're meant to play it! And you smashed it, look!" Amethyst pointed to the screen, the new score sat blinking at the top of the table, still waiting for a name. Amethyst leant over and entered 'Pearl'. 

"I really shouldn't have done that. Even on a game like this the humans would struggle to match a gems reflexes and the way they keep going for the scoreboard, oh! I've ruined it for them!" Pearl fretted.

"Hey, shift over." Amethyst practically shoved her out the seat. "It's my turn." She laughed as Pearl looked at her in confusion. "What? There's no way you're that much better at this than me. I've got way more practise at computer games, so shift: I'm gonna smash your score right off the board."

"But wouldn't that make it harder to beat? Perhaps we should just ask Mr Smiley to delete it." Pearl craned her neck, searching around for him. "I'm sure he wouldn't mind."

Amethyst ignored her, already running the game. On the first attempt she got nowhere near Pearl's score, nor on the second, the third, or even the tenth, and it soon became apparent to Amethyst that Pearl had set a particularly high high score, and even with patient tutoring from Pearl she only managed to get to eighth on the scoreboard.

She stared at the screen for a moment, then climbed out of the seat. "Pearl, I've got one quarter left. It's all yours." Pearl hesitated. "Come on, you smashed this game earlier. Let's see if you can prove it wasn't a fluke."

"What happened to driving practise?" 

Amethyst shrugged. "This is way more fun."

Pearl hesitated. This would really not be good for her driving skills. She was meant to, had to stay focused, calm, professional if she wanted to ever be allowed out onto the roads again. But she found herself dropping the coin in anyway, and soon enough she was smashing her way around the electronic racecourse, taking a strange satisfaction from the wrecks of imaginary cars as Amethyst cheered her on once more. She easily swept past Amethyst's high score and all the way back up to her own, letting the game over catch up with her only a few thousand points over.

"Are you kidding me?!" Amethyst cried. "What did you do that for? You were on a roll- you could have smashed that out the park!" 

"Well, I can't make it too difficult for others to beat," Pearl explained away.

But it didn't matter. Amethyst was cheering and laughing. "Road Killer! Road Killer! Road Killer!" she chanted, and Pearl couldn't help herself.

She smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Updated 20/03/20 Continuity
> 
> **Trigger Warning for Upcoming Chapters:**
> 
> The next few chapters, chapters Twelve, Thirteen, and to a lesser extent Fourteen, have depictions of Self Harm. 
> 
> If you wish to avoid this, please stop reading now, or skip to chapter Fifteen (Due 1104). 
> 
> If you wish to skip there will be a trigger free recap at the start of chapter Fifteen to keep you in the loop of the story, as best as possible.
> 
> TW self harm upcoming chapters 12, 13 & 14


	12. The Itch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl takes stock of her situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for self harm,  
> Skip to chapter 15 to avoid.

Her gem shook.

Pearl woke and for a moment she thought she was blind again, a thick darkness covering her eyes, heavy against her head, the vibration rattling her gem tightening around her mind as the memory of the creep of the drills encroached once more onto her thoughts. She let out a yelp and sat up, flailing at her face. Sharp pricks pushed into her skin followed by a flash of weight then light as Cat Steven leapt away, and skittered across the floor out of sight. She blinked heavily against the brightness: it was daylight out, and the house was empty. The colours flared and settled and quick look around her confirmed that her sight was still off. 

It had become a routine of sorts in the two, nearly three weeks since the attack: wake up, look around, get disappointed. If the others were around (they so often were) she's get a few empty reassurances, a 'maybe next time' or a 'you just need to heal a bit more, that's all'. 

She'd learnt to smile and nod for them, small antidote for their perpetual worry, but inside she knew full well that healing would only go so far, and would be done long before now. Pinning so much hope on the Diamond essence was just papering over the reality they had broken her, somehow implanted this permanent affliction on her. They had changed her, and it pulled at the edge of her mind, ready to sweep in and drown her in those quiet moments when no-one was around, when she dared lower her guard. And she let it take her, her thoughts swirling through nightmare after nightmare so that when dawn came she could get up, haul the floodgates shut and be normal. Put up that smile for the others once more.

She'd had another panic attack, about a week in, that had left her ranting and raving about what else the attackers could have done to her, her desperation leaving her screaming at Garnet to keep her away from the others, keep her away from Steven, convinced her own attackers had reprogrammed her to attack them, to bring misery, a sleeper agent to strike them when they least expect it. Garnet had flat out refused to entertain her ideas and after trying to talk her out of them, left, sealing herself and Amethyst in the temple and leaving her alone with just Steven to watch over her.

It had been torture keeping herself up long after Steven had slept, forcing herself to stay awake, to stay alert against any unwelcome intrusion of her command of herself until eventually she too passed out from the exhaustion of it all, waking later only to find the night passed without incident.

Even then she'd tried to persist with the idea but Garnet had been patient, calmly talking her through the whole thing and out the other side, providing reassuring clarity in her uncertain world.

"It is expected to fear the unknown, and after everything you've been through- we don't know, and we may never know everything they did or intended to do to you. But that doesn't matter. We're here to help you through this. We would not do anything less."

"Even if I try to shatter you in your sleep?"

"Even then." 

“That’s… Less reassuring than you think,” Pearl had pointed out.

"Well, I don't see you trying to kill us, but we can double up our watch if that will make you feel better." 

Pearl had finally fallen silent then, gaping at the fusion. "Garnet!" she bemoaned, "Why didn't you say that in the first place?!"

Afterwards they tried to get her out the house more, dragging her along to their lessons, or superfluous errands in an effort to take her mind off it, trying to find the simple way to make everything okay again, yet somehow not seeing there wasn't one, that none of this was working. So she tried. She had been trying to engage, smile even when she didn't feel like it, put up some vague semblance of her normal self. Anything to convince them it was fine, it was getting better, that she could cope. That she could get back to normal.

But her mind still betrayed her, her eyes growing heavy through the effort of it all as they had so much after the attack, and she'd always be forced to return to the house to rest, this quiet, safe space. They'd shut it off long ago, warning the other gems to keep away, redirecting them to Homeschool, even taking away the galaxy warp from the house (Although Garnet said 'deactivated' so it was just as likely they'd temporarily broken it whilst she recovered.). Just for her. Her last fortress of refuge, yet still the biggest flag of her infirmity, her cage and her armor. But for now the silence here wanted nothing from her, and she was glad of it.

Pearl blinked some more, realising she was in the house proper, that she'd slept on the sofa: a change of address and a distinct improvement on the sloop she'd been near constantly stuck to since the attack, frequently dozing in its waters while Garnet watched over her lest the nightmares returned, making sure she didn't disturb Steven too much. She was eternally grateful to her for that. He was already torn up enough by having his healing powers booby-trapped and even though she had made several attempts to convince him that mere words didn't matter to her, she wasn't quite sure if he believed her. But for him to lose sleep due to her bad dreams, those still too frequent turbulent flashbacks to the attack, was another sufferance she couldn't bear to see him endure.

As for the nightmares themselves... Connie had said there would be a period of adjustment, as her body got used to the changes and her subconscious mind tried to process what had happened. She said it would most likely settle, and they would fade with time. Garnet said they already were. 

If that was true, Pearl thought, it was only because they weren't being broadcast as much. A small mercy. What they done to her- the others didn't need to share the nightmare. She didn't want them to.

She rubbed her gem as flashes of the attack came back to her still, willing them away, trying to remind herself that that thing was no longer on her gem, no longer digging in. That it was long gone. She remembered what Garnet had suggested, taking a deep breath, holding it for ten, and then released it in a steady stream of air. It helped. Sort of. And perhaps Connie was right. Sleeping outside the healing waters was an improvement. Progress, even if the nightmares hadn't entirely gone away. 

A strange giddiness swept through her, forcing her to close her eyes as the room seemed to dip and spin, tears creeping out. Improvement. The possibility of something different, something better... Suddenly she didn't mind being woken so much. 

She thought of the calico cat running away from her with a guilty flash. She should get some treats out for her later, by way of apology. The cat just wanted to keep her company, and she knew cats were attracted to what would have been the relative warmth of her gem.

Improvement. She tempered her hopes with caution. The next step was getting back to not sleeping at all, and there was still one eye-watering problem with that.

She looked around, staring at the walls, eyes boring into pictures and paintings, mentally playing 'Spot the difference' with an unhealthy side of 'that colour should be...', eyes flicking from one to the next as they began to complain against the exertion, that all too familiar ache building itself back into existence.

It was hard to believe but there was already an improvement here too: She could dodge the onset, reduce the pain by shifting her focus often enough, her mind thrown off the seemingly intensive 'translation' it insisted on attempting at every strange colour. And she could spend a little longer on it too: early on she'd barely manage to focus on any one thing for more than a few seconds without earning that lingering headache that demanded sleep alone to ease, but now she kept moving, looking around, only spending what time she could before that pressing ache kicked in once more, staying just ahead of its creeping grasp.

She found herself on the stairs gazing at the largest frame, Vidalia's painting of the four of them together. It was hard to pick out the details now, blues slipping into each other, the pinks and reds of the original washed away in her sight. 

Original... It still was the original, she reminded herself. She was just seeing it through different eyes. Her eyes drifted, focus shifting once more to a faint outline on the woodwork where another picture once hung in this place, and her stomach lurched. Rose. She closed her eyes and brought up the image of her in her mind, a bright white dress, a gentle smile, and bouncy pink hair that cascaded down around her. She wondered if Steven still had it, tucked away somewhere out of sight since discovering her true identity, a sudden urge to see it pulling inside her. But... No.

"Agh!" Pearl flinched backwards, hand flying to her gem as a pang of pain burst inside it, setting off sparks behind her eyes. She teetered unbalanced for a moment on the edge of the stairs then fell backwards, toppling down into the living room with a heavy thump, knocking the wind out of her. She lay there a moment, clutched at her gem, eyes wide as she waited to see if some strange force would overtake her, make it do her bidding. 

Nothing came, the ache in her gem fading quickly to instead reveal the bumps and bruises she picked up in the fall. Her knee ached particularly keenly, throbbing red already and she realised to her embarrassment that she must have smacked it against the woodwork on her less than elegant landing. She rolled over to sit up, trying not to move the effected leg too much and rested against the seat, taking stock watching the temple door to see if the tumble had been heard. 

No-one came.

Stars what was that? She rubbed against her gem, reassuring herself that it was intact, the sharp pain that had so thrown her now no more than a quiet niggling ache inside. 'Thrown her'. It had thrown her alright. Another moment of weakness, another taunting mockery of her life. Every time. Every time there had been something to hope for, something good in this whole situation something else comes crashing down on her, sending her back to square one. She should have known by now. She should have known not to get her hopes up. Pearl could feel herself tense, that familiar panic building at the edge of her mind, her chest catching...

Breathe in,

Breathe out.

It was just ...a silly little accident, could happen to anyone, to let herself get so caught up like that. She was just caught off-guard, that's all, probably a sign she had just overdone it once again, always pushing a little too hard. At least the others weren't around to see her like this, injured once more.

Garnet and Steven were out at Homeschool, leaving Amethyst here to keep watch and she was in her room, most likely sleeping. Pearl expected her to stay in there for another hour or so at the least, so if she moved quickly none of them needed to know she was hurt at all.

Plan in hand she slowly bent her knee, gritting her teeth as it protested loudly. Gems were able to recover quickly from such injuries, their form naturally regenerating itself over time, but the Diamonds healing essence would expedite the process. She could see the sloop from here, resting way across the room, the open plan arrangement meaning it was all empty space before her bar the table, simultaneously making an obstacle and an aid of itself (yet almost too far out of the way for even that). 

Pearl pulled her good leg under her and dragged herself to her feet, balancing precariously as she tested how much weight the damage would take, only to be rewarded by a shooting pain that made her gasp. She immediately eased off, eyeing up the temple door. It would be so easy to call out, get Amethyst to come out and help her over. It would even be easier to dissipate, retreat to her gem and regenerate her form entirely but in both cases they would ask why, and she'd be forced to reveal her moment of weakness.

Better not to worry them, besides, Amethyst would rib her endlessly for letting a battered knee get the better of her. Her resolve hardened: She steeled herself and made the first few hurried steps across the floor, forced to stop and catch her breath against the pain after only a few, her eyes watering.

She had really done a number on that knee.

Tears came then, her legs shaking underneath her, her fragile shell crumbling away. For all the 'improvement' here she was, broken again, weak. Defective. Pathetic. A familiar buzzing built at the edge of her mind yet again and she tensed up, knowing what was coming. Distraction, she needed a distraction. Her eyes landed on the temple door. 

Amethyst. She could call out so easily and she'd be there, not understanding why but ready to scoop her up and return her to the sloop, staying by her side until she was satisfied the healing had been done. But that was giving in, and she'd promised herself she wasn't going to do that anymore. Pearl grit her teeth, returning her attention to the sloop, a slight shift the wrong way sending another jab of pain shooting up her leg.

It took her a while to get there, going in short bursts and longer and longer rests, her nerves pounding as the clock drew on, each second making it more likely she would be discovered, but after what seemed like an age she reached the edge of the sloop and fell into it with a yelp, flipping over the side in such an uncontrolled and undignified manner that she was once again glad there was no-one there to see.

She laid there for a while, her aches and pains soon washed away, and watched the swirling patterns the water made over her, letting her thoughts drift with them for a bit until guilt gnawed at her and she climbed out once more. She made her way back over to the sofa, idly noting the return journey took a fraction of the time of her earlier crossing as she settled back in and looked around wondering what she should do next. She rubbed her gem, thinking.

Nothing.

After a moment she rubbed it again, working away at the niggle at the back of her mind until she caught herself. What was she doing? She wasn't some genie who could conjure up ideas with a rub of the gem. She got up and walked the length of the house, to the warp pad, locked down and out of commission for now, then back again all the way to the front door and stretching beach outside. Garnet had insisted she didn't head out without telling someone where she was going, and she didn't want to disturb Amethyst, who would no doubt insist on joining her. Soon enough she found herself pacing. Think. What did she do to pass the time before? 

Ah-ha!

She pulled a box out the cupboard, opening it up and pouring the contents onto the table running her fingers through the pieces of the jigsaw before carefully picking one up between thumb and forefinger and holding it up to the light.

She stared. The colours were faded, grey and yellow blending into each other, blues picking out against the same colour underside, dozens of pieces looking identical. Her eyes began to water from staring too long and she clapped her hand over them, taking refuge in the darkness from the threatening headache.

What was she thinking? She began to laugh at the absurdity of it, rocking back and forward as the laughter wrapped around her in waves, the piece in her hand snapping as it folded in half and slipped from her fingers unnoticed.

She settled once more leaning back into the sofa with a sigh and closed her eyes, reached up and rubbed her forehead and gem in the vague hope that the movement would stimulate what was missing, connect the dots and somehow restore her sight once again. 

It hadn't.

How long was it going to be before she stopped hoping? she wondered, letting out a groan, wrinkling her brow against the spot where the lightest of niggling pains had settled in buried between her eyes, a singular distracting itch. How annoying. She tried wriggling her nose up and down to shift it. 

That didn't work so she rubbed it yet again, pushing at it to try and be rid of the nerve tingling itch inside, the pressure providing a grateful momentary relief. Yet it soon returned, resolved into a keen itch that buried right in the middle of her head. She tried to blink it away once more, scrunching her eyes and giving her head a little shake to dislodge the feeling to no avail. She tried giving it a good scratch too but her fingers came up against the cool smooth surface of her pearl, and the persistent itch remained resolutely buried deep behind the solid wall of her gem. 

What was this? Had she damaged her gem in the fall? She probed the surface to be sure, but it seemed fine, no sign of damage. Just this singular indeterminable itch that was really making a fine nuisance of itself.

Pearl huffed, wishing it away, doing everything she could to leave it be in hope that it would fade by itself. 

It did not.

She tried distracting herself with empty tasks, pacing up and down some more, decanting the entire contents of a kitchen cupboard and putting it all back, even trying to sort all those puzzle pieces by shape but that seemed to make it ache ever more keenly, the endless niggling harassment growing minute by minute until it demanded every ounce of her attention, a mind wrenching distraction that brought tears to her eyes and made it near on impossible to focus on anything else at all.

This... This was nothing like the ache she'd become so familiar with, that dull tiredness that pulled everything tight behind her eyes, born of overexertion, but this welled up, sharp and insistent, demanding attention, demanding reprieve. She shook, trying to hold herself against the urge to scratch, to dig it out, but doing nothing only allowed it space to somehow get even worse. She had to do something to take her mind off it, and she fought against the overwhelming distraction to try and come up with a plan, an idea, any idea.

Music! She could barely think whenever Greg played one of his old records, and while she was never particularly fond of his work it was something she certainly needed right now. A brief hunt around threw up empty on CDs, records or even cassettes and anything to play them with, most likely abandoned in the depths of Amethyst's room. Another dead end. So she tried hum to herself, recalling brief snippets of random tunes, but the buzzing in her head made it itch worse than ever and she quickly stopped, whimpering at the way her mind itched, wanting nothing more than to reach in and dig it out.

With a huff of frustration, she slammed her hands down on the table in a last ditch attempt to try and resist the itch, puzzle pieces flying everywhere as she shook her head with a growl in a vain hope that that might yet still dislodge it. It didn't help, and just made her eyes rattle and head ache even more. This wouldn't work, this wasn't helping! Nothing was helping. Except...

She staggered away from the table, her hands flying to her gem, scratching away up there in a frantic flurry to try and get some relief.

Nothing.

No! It had worked earlier, even if just for a moment. She groaned and grasped at her head, fingers digging through her hair, trying to shift the itch, trying to get in, rubbing, scratching all over her head find the one little spot that her mind insisted would quell this frustration. But that made no difference either and she staggered back, panting, tears in her eyes, her mind desperately casting around in an attempt to figure out a way to stop this.

The sloop. She practically ran over, dousing her head in its waters, willing it to take this pain away. For a moment she thought it had, but the itch had returned with a vengeance, dousing the brief wave of hope that had blossomed inside her and once again taking over her mind, her hands scrabbling at her gem once more, choking back a groan.

It wasn't enough! Her fingers scattered over the surface of her pearl. She couldn't get to it, couldn't reach this itch. Her eyes landed on the boat before her. Could she...?

With a grunt she crouched and grabbed hold of the sloop, her gem bathing it with a bright light that slowly lifted it up, shaking and straining from the effort of getting it high above her head, her body complaining as she held it there, trying to keep her composure before letting it sink towards herself, shrinking towards her gem until it finally disappeared with a flash. 

For a moment she stood there, blinking, waiting, then she crumpled to her knees, frozen up unable to move as a terrible chill ran through her. She'd seen this happen to Steven once, he'd stopped partway through a sentence and an ice cream, unable to function for several seconds because of something Greg had called 'brain freeze' that turned out to have nothing to do with their organic brain matter actually freezing. 

But she couldn't move, head filled with the sound of rushing water, tears leaking out unbidden, almost as though it were trying to drain away. Gems didn't need to store liquids in their gem, and certainly not loose. For a terrible moment Pearl realised she didn't know if she could. Too late now. She could only watch and hope this would pass, hopefully taking the itch with it.

But part of her already knew that wasn't going to happen. 

Worse still, it was still there, present like a siren flashing at the front of her mind, the itch ticking away the long seconds, mocking her in her incapacity, reminding her how it stubbornly resisted every attempt to get it to leave. Reminding her how none of this would leave. Her sight, the marks, the nightmares...

No. No!

Not this too!

She shuddered and groaned, finally getting some movement back into her limbs, immediately shoving up and against her gem, a crude swipe that on the second attempt caught and dragged it a little, enough to send a sharp tug of pain inwards, that lanced so tantalisingly close to the source until it slipped and snapped back into place with a slight ache that granted a momentary distraction from the itch.

It came back, that nerve tingling pain that refused to budge from the core of her being, that she couldn't shift, that it wouldn't let her shift. She let out a cry. She couldn't bear it, she couldn't bear another second of this. She just wanted it gone. 

She just wanted all of this gone.

The itch, the nightmares, the marks, this malfunctioning form, this faulty gemstone they'd lumbered her with. Gone. Her hands crawled over her head.

She just wanted to make all this go away!

She let out a cry, her last shreds of composure evaporated as she scratched at the gem, her nails scraping against the surface, trying to break through, and when that failed, the edges, digging into her skin and leaving marks as she constantly tried to scratch this intolerable itch. It didn't work.

Her fingers drove further inwards, sobbing as she desperately dug around the edge of her gem trying to prise it open, trying to get it away from her somehow, scrabbling around the hard surface, searching for some weakness, some way, any way to access to the nerve jangling distraction inside, no longer caring that her fingers were tearing long gouges through her skin, her nails leaving dozens of jagged scratches as they dragged across the gem, only the one thought driving her.

Want. it. Gone.

Her fingers caught, finally worked their way in along the edge enough to get a grip on the gem and she clung on to it tightly with all her strength, letting out a hiss as she refused to let that brief flash of victory go. Ensuring it was kept pinned firmly in her grasp...

She began to pull.


	13. Pizza Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amethyst intervenes.

The gem moved, tugging against her skin, black and white spots dancing behind her eyes as her form protested, sending warning jabs of pain shooting across her body. But she kept, going, tightening her grip, her eyes watering and continued to pull, her thoughts only of getting away from this all consuming itch as soon as she possibly could. 

Just one second, one more tug and it'd be gone, she'd be free!

"Pearl!" Amethyst's cry echoed around the house, "what are you doing?!" 

In the shock her gem slipped from her grasp and she desperately pawed at the surface, fingers slipping from it as she attempted to take hold once again, to finish what she'd started. No! She sobbed as she struggled to get a grasp on it. She was close, she'd been so close! Yet the ache, the itch was still there, driving into her mind.

"Pearl!" Amethyst flew to her side, dragging her hands away from her head. "Woah, don't do that!" She caught a thump to the chest that forced her back half a step with a yelp. "Hey! What gives?" Pearl's hands shot back up to her gem, full of desperate intent, half going for the itch, half trying to hide the damage. 

Amethyst had already seen, a sharp intake of breath as Pearl tried digging into her gem again, uncaringly adding to the already copious number of scratches over her forehead. "No, no, no," Amethyst cried out, "stop it! Just stop this!" She grabbed hold of Pearl's wrists, wrestling them away and down, fighting against her as she kept trying to go for her gem once more. "Pearl," she pleaded, but she didn't seem to hear her, her eyes wild, face dripped with tears she pulled against the restraint and let out a desperate keening sound that tore Amethyst's heart in two.

A quick dip and twist caught her off guard allowing Pearl to escape her grasp and make short use of the distraction to return to mauling at her gem, frenzied heavy swipes that left fresh scratches across the surface before Amethyst recovered enough to tackle her down, spilling the two of them across the floor. Pearl didn't even try to get up, still somehow railroaded into scratching her gem and Amethyst pounced against her, pulling a whip and struggling to bind her hands back, a desperate bid to keep them away, try and save her from herself.

She fell back panting and huffing, watching as Pearl tried to pull against the new restraints. They held, even as she twisted and pulled, and Amethyst tried to figure out what to do next, her mind still reeling. What was she thinking?! Pearl let out a whine and Amethyst winced a little as she noticed the fresh blue markings evolving around Pearl's wrists where she pulled against the whip. But she was trying to hurt herself, still trying to hurt her gem... The hands settled, dropping down against her back, and she was quieter now, Amethyst watching as she shifted around trying to get her feet under her.

"Pearl? Hey Pearl, can you hear me?" Amethyst tried to get through to her as she climbed to her knees, then back to her feet, looking around. "Chill out, we've got you, it's safe here." She waited hoping she'd answer, hoping she'd snap out of it, hoping she'd just cut all of this out and be herself again. Perhaps she was, as she finally seemed to steady, her eyes settled on the walls of the temple. "Yeah! You're in the beach house, it's okay." She reassured her, reaching out.

Pearl lowered her head and charged, putting on a surprising turn of speed and pelting gem first towards the stone. Instinctively a new whip snapped out, catching her feet and sending her tumbling to the floor just short of her target. 

"PEARL!"

Amethyst quickly pulled Pearl back, well out of harms range. She was worse than ever now, growling and gnashing as she pulled and kicked against the restraints, still trying to get out, still trying to get at her gem, a fresh graze blooming on her cheek where she scraped against the floor in her writhing.

No, No! Amethyst desperately cast around for a better option, quickly bundling Pearl up and dumping her onto the sofa to run upstairs, reemerging in time to see her tumble back onto the floor, and pounced on her, spinning and wrapping her in the duvet, securing it tightly in place so she couldn't escape its confines. Taking a step back, she watched as Pearl strained against it, but it held, this strange drive against her gem finally safely contained. Amethyst shut her eyes and let out an unsteady sigh.

A grinding noise snapped her back and she saw with dismay that Pearl was still trying to hurt her gem, rubbing it against the floor in desperation. No! She practically threw her onto the sofa, plonked herself on the edge as an afterthought, pinning Pearl in place, determined to stay like that until she figured out there was no longer any way she could try and damage herself like that again. After a what felt like hours of inarticulate kicks, complaints and protests she settled, and Amethyst could finally breathe.

She was shaking, and it took a moment to realise it wasn't just Pearl. She curled her knees up wrapping her arms around them, trying to ignore the sobs from behind her. "This isn't right," she complained quietly, "it shouldn't be like this."

"You know what Garnet said to me Pearl?" She put on the voice "'Keep a close eye on her Amethyst, keep her safe,' she said, 'Don't let her poof," she said." Amethyst sunk even further into her knees. " 'Herself'. All it would have taken is one word and I'd have been ready, I could have done something sooner but nooo," she complained, "she just had to be all mysterious and aloof as usual. I-" Amethyst glanced back. "I just thought I would be fighting those gems, not you."

"But hey, I managed it. Here we are: One Pearl, not poofed," she deadpanned. "Yay me." She let out another sigh, hiding her face in her arms and waited.

"Hey guys we're back!" She didn't know how long it had been sat there in silence when Steven's voice came in through the window.

"And we brought" Garnet entered carrying boxes of pizza, cutting out a little as her gaze fell to the scene in front of her. "Burritos," she finished, even as Steven called out 'Pizza's!'

He frowned and looked at her. "It is actually pizza," He clarified following behind her. "Psst Garnet," Steven called in a stage whisper stepping around her, "I think you might have got the wrong timeline." He stopped, finally caught on to the distracted silence, spotting Amethyst, and after a moment Pearl behind her wrapped up and trying to turn away from them, wriggling against the confines of the duvet with tears in her eyes. 

"Amethyst, let her go!" 

"No."

"Amethyst, this isn't a joke!"

"She freaked out." Amethyst spoke, so quietly but firmly her arms crossed, unmoved from her perch on the sofa. "She-" She looked away. "She tried to pull her gem out. This was the only way I could get her to stop."

"What?" Steven looked to Pearl again, where she was still trying to hide away. "Pearl?" He came over, crouching down beside her.

"No-" she protested, quiet, tense.

He gently pulled her over and there the cluster of scratches centered on and around her gem told him the truth. "Why? Why would you do something like that?"

"W- want. it. gone," she forced out the words with another groan.

"But it's your gem, it's-"

"Please." She was looked up at him, distracted, half dazed, offering her gem up to him, begging him to take it away, just take all of this away.

"No!" He pulled back, and was dismayed to see her break down into more tears, and she strained, fighting against the duvet that held her, muttering something unintelligible.

She flexed again. "Out."

"No!" Steven flushed with fear at what she might do if she could, but she just repeated herself. "Pearl," Steven's voice wavered as he tried to explain, "you were hurting yourself. We don't want you-"

"I can't," Pearl burst out, tensing again, "hgnh!" Amethyst let out an indignant 'Hey!' as her fresh wriggling caught her in the back and Pearl's eyes widened with another whimper. "C-" she shuddered, "can't stop it."

"Stop what?" He knelt beside her, placing himself in her eyeline and waiting until he got an answer. "Pearl please, you have to tell us what's going on."

"Itches," she finally forced the word out. "So much." 

A look of confusion passed over Steven's face. "Your gem?" A nod. No wonder she was so rattled. He held up a hand, reaching for her gem but she flinched back. "May I see? I just want to check if it's cracked." She watched him carefully, then nodded.

Her hair had been all mussed up, and he took a moment to carefully sweep it away, scooping it out of the many cuts and grooves that now lay around her gem, trying to ignore the alarming extent of the claw marks that had been left behind. He let out a sigh. Thankfully the gem itself didn't look too bad, just covered with superficial scrapes.

"Steven, heal her," Garnet ordered.

Pearl looked up at her and squirmed inside the blanket some more. Thankfully Steven shared her reluctance.

"What? But it'll just bring back the marks," he protested at the futility of it. 

"Yes," Garnet acknowledged but stood firm. "Just try it."

Steven knelt by Pearl and she stared at him silently begging him not to. "Sorry." He licked a finger and he pressed it against her gem even as she tried to pull away. The marks reappeared, and she lay there, eyes pinned shut. "Did it work?"

She slowly but very firmly shook her head.

Steven was surprised to hear an airy sigh from Garnet as she relaxed, and was even more surprised to see she had a small smile on her face as she returned from the temple with bottles in her arms, carefully crouching to wipe off Pearl's gem with one cloth, then heal with the other and the marks disappeared yet again, the damage from before fading away until it became no more than a memory.

Garnet spoke. "I talked to Priyanka. She explained this might happen- it happens in humans too. Pearl, your gem's healing, trying to rebuild connections lost in the injury." That got her attention, and she opened her eyes, blinking blearily with a frown. 

"Healing?" 

"That's why it's feeling like this."

Pearl looked around, looking between the hopeful faces of the others. "Oh." But that meant... She felt tears prick at the edge of her eyes. Healing. She hadn't thought that was possible beyond the abilities of the healing essence. 

Pearl let out a groan and tensed up. Stars! it still itched like crazy, and she shifted, trying to press her gem against the duvet to try and relieve the pressure in her head.

"Pearl, are you hurt? Did we miss something?" Steven looked to Garnet, half on his feet.

"It still itches," she answered. It itched so much. "Badly."

"Yes, it will but we have to let it run it's course."

That didn't make it any easier. Pearl wriggled in the duvet again.

"Can't we take that off?" Steven huffed.

"No." They looked at Amethyst "What?" she snapped, "ask her. Make her promise to leave her gem alone."

"Pearl?"

Pearl paused, taking her time to consider the matter before eventually she shook her head and retreated, shrinking further into the roll.

"What else can we do?" Steven asked, silence hanging in the air.

After a moment Garnet sat down beside Pearl, joined by Amethyst, and then Steven. As time passed, the TV appeared, snacks, then sleeping bags as they camped out together, staying by her side until she found uneasy sleep once more.


	14. Strike

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After an incident at Homeschool, Amethyst tells Pearl a few home truths.

Pearl blinked at the clouds, distantly hearing worried voices calling her name.

Any other time she'd have dodged it easily. But, barely a few rounds into the Annual Homeschool Baseball Derby, the flash of the swinging bat had pulled her mind back to the ambush and she didn't notice the ball flying straight towards her until it bounced off her gem with a crack, laying her out on the floor. 

Garnet would not be pleased. It had taken her a while to convince the fusion to let her come, arguing she was better off doing something than nothing to distract her from the stubborn itch in her gem. And what better than the hustle and bustle of a sports game, viewed from the relative safety of refereeing? After all, just as she'd told Garnet, there would be plenty of gems around for safety. Yet only one ball and she'd still managed to cop it.

She tensed as a glitch coursed through her, her hand flying to her gem as soon as it passed, feeling the extent of the damage. It hurt yes, the cracks echoing right down the middle of her, but stars! The itch had gone, that deep scratch struck. Her fingers pressed against the gem, almost pushing it apart a little, a strange satisfaction coming from the stretch of the crack before she glitched again. She began to laugh, her amusement first reassuring the nervous players she was fine, but it grew and she shook entirely consumed at the private joke, laughing into loud cries, tears at her eyes, spasming as the hysteria consumed her body between glitches turning their relief to alarm.

Cold water splashed against her forehead, snapping Pearl out of it and slowing the glitches as her gem knit back together, the pain fading. Pearl lay there panting and sore, her ribs aching from the exertion. A quiet rustling drew her attention and she noticed a hushed whispering from the gems around her. She sat up, the movement causing the ones closest to her to take a hurried step back, and the circle fell deathly quiet. Her hand went to her gem once more, double checking the damage was gone, her face flushing with embarrassment and no little dread as she realised what must have happened.

Tired of getting repeated sports injuries they'd supplied bottles of fountain water to where they would be most needed. Rose's fountain water. And now... She looked at her hand, confirming her worst suspicions. The marks were back, and plain for all the gems to see. They were whispering again, the raspy sound crawling across the back of her neck.

"Uh... Do we need to get Steven?" one of them asked, uncertainty hanging in the air around them.

"No!" She immediately wished she'd hadn't answered so quickly, the tremble in her voice giving her nerves away. She climbed to her feet. "No," she repeated, "I'm fine, I-" her voice caught, becoming acutely aware of their looks: horror, uncertainty, fear. Pity. Disgust. She froze, wrapping her arms around herself pulling tight in an unconscious effort to hide the marks, turning away. But they were everywhere. She had seen herself in the mirror, in the water- there was no escaping from this shameful affliction. She closed her eyes trying to flee from herself, wishing they would all just go away, that this would all just go away!

There was the sound of running feet, then Amethyst spoke. One of the gems must have had the presence of mind to go get help. 

She couldn't even help herself.

"Alright everybody, game over. Off you go, nothing to see here." She shooed the gems away, and after getting no response out of the distant Pearl from talking to her, she gently extracted her hand and guided her back to the safety of the temple.

Amethyst watched as Pearl disappeared into the bathroom, emerging several minutes later once again free of her markings to sit hunkered over on the sofa, staring silently into the distance. Almost unnoticed her hands played over one another, interlocking, tugging and tensing in turn.

"Hey P," Amethyst spoke up. Pearl didn't respond, miles away in her thoughts and Amethyst repeated herself until Pearl finally glanced up. "You think too much, y'know that right?"

"Huh?"

Amethyst came over, crouching beside her and placed a finger either side of Pearl's interlocked hands holding them in place for a moment. "Do you want to talk about it?"

They shifted again, her hands rolling into and over each other in a picky, nervous dance. Amethyst began to wonder if she'd just say no, then they stilled, held in place, quivering ever so slightly. She looked up.

"I had another flashback," Pearl conceded. "I didn't mean to, the bat..." She shuddered, and pulled away. "I was back right where I started and I couldn't do anything about it." She slumped back over her knees, running her hands through her hair.

"Hey, hey," Amethyst called softly, "That's not your fault. You can't help what those gems did to you."

"Did, Amethyst. It's been done. Gone. It's happened. So why is it still here?" She tapped at her head. "I thought it was healing," she said bitterly, her fingers pressed up against her gem. "I thought I was getting better."

"You have been. You are!" Amethyst insisted.

"So why do I still fall apart at the slightest reminder?!" The frustration spilled over, rising to a heat in her voice.

"Hey, you weren't to know it'd do that! You were just caught off guard, that's all," Amethyst reassured her. "But that's okay. Now you know what to expect, you-"

"That I'll just fall apart again?" Pearl said sharply turning to Amethyst. "That I'll keep getting these nightmares over and over again no matter what I try to do?" She waved her hands. "Ever since they attacked me I've been fighting against what, a memory of this thing? A trick of the mind and I can't even hold that off!" she cried, holding her head once again. "Not when it matters."

"That's not true! Come on Pearl you **can** do this. It doesn't own you. So you had a moment, so what? That's all it is."

"Except it's not is it? It's been 'moment' after moment after moment. Do you have know how often I've heard 'it'll get better' these past few weeks? Everyone keeps on saying that but it's not!" Pearl stressed standing and beginning to pace. "You tell me 'it'll get better', but everything I've tried hasn't worked, or it's made it worse. You tell me I can move on from this but everywhere I turn, every time I try I only to end up back at square one again. You tell me to keep trying," Pearl choked back a strangled growl, "but I've been trying and trying everything I can, over and over and over and I'm still HERE!" Pearl cursed, clutching her head, face crumpled in anguish. "I can't escape this! Why can't I- ugh!" She groaned and swayed as the memory of the drills swirled up in the chaos of her thoughts. It was there. It was always there. No matter what she tried. It was never going to let her go.

"Pearl," Amethyst started.

Her head snapped up, locked on to the worried gem. "Why can't I just be free of this?" she cried, "Why can't I move on?!" 

Her breath caught, and she pulled back, hands flying to her mouth, a fresh wave of tears in her eyes as she realised what she'd said.

"Pearl, it's-" Amethyst cut out as Pearl snapped a glare at her, daring her to even try and say the next word on her mind. Okay. She paused, taking her time to choose her next words carefully, inviting the tearful Pearl back to the sofa, trying to comfort her. "You **are** improving. Sure, you might not be where you want to be but, it **is** getting better."

"Doesn't feel like it," Pearl grumbled. "I know you don't talk about it, not in front of me, but you know it's wrong. Gem's shouldn't be marked like this, shouldn't be faulty like this!" She faltered a moment, choking back shaky breaths. "I'm _broken_. We've tried everything to fix this and nothing's worked. Even the Diamond essence..." Pearl let out a bitter laugh. "It heals Everything(!) It should have healed this!" She let out a cry of frustration, fist slamming down on the table, leaving a spiderweb of cracks in the surface, her tears spattering in beads across it before seeping in. "Why couldn't it heal me?" 

Silence fell. Amethyst hesitated, unsure what to say. "Pearl," she eventually ventured, "no one said this was going to be easy." 

Pearl turned on her, and Amethyst shivered and pulled back as the temperature between them seemed to chill.

"You know." Pearl drew a sharp breath as Amethyst avoided her gaze. "You know why it didn't heal me." Amethyst fidgeted, and Pearl almost pounced on top of her. "Amethyst," she warned.

Amethyst shrunk back, her body urging her away, urging her to escape this answer, but she could see the desperation in Pearl's eyes. 

"Well, yeah." Pearl pulled back as though stung, Amethyst reaching after her to try to explain. "Pearl," She avoided her gaze but stayed, waiting. Amethyst sighed.

"They went right into your gem. They damaged your gem." Amethyst remembered Garnet showing her the quiet traces of Pearls gem dust, that part of Pearl torn out of her gem forever. "You might not have shattered but you lost parts of it in their attack. Where that... _thing_ went in, those holes in your gem, whatever they went through... Is gone. **Gone** gone. Stuff like that doesn't come back, even with healing." Amethyst shuffled in the silence, wishing she would at least look at her. "It's no wonder you're having nightmares. That's not something you can just patch up and be on your way like nothing happened." Pearl began to shake, the quiet patter of drops on the floor the only sound as tears fell. "That damage, it's the sort you have to rebuild in time. It hurts. And it's hard. But we'll get there." She tried to gently pull her around but only managed to get her partway, and she still avoided her gaze, staring resolutely at the ground. "Together. You're not doing this alone. We just gotta take it one step at a time." 

Pearl turned away again.

What else could she say? Amethyst perked up as a thought crossed her mind. "Hey, 'It doesn't matter how far it is: if you put one foot in front of the other and repeat, you'll always get there in the end.'" She recalled. "That's what you always used to tell me when I got tired after away missions."

Pearl didn't answer. When she was younger Amethyst had made a rather annoying habit of asking to be carried back to the warp pad after missions. As she recalled, on more than one occasion she'd threatened to make Amethyst walk all the way back to the Temple instead.

"It's the same here: We'll get there. You just got to keep going, one step at a time." Amethyst could see Pearl sink even further into her sullen glare. "And the next step is to go back to the game."

"What?" Pearl exclaimed, whipping round, her face pulled in horror at the idea.

"Yeah!" Amethyst enthused. Pearl looked at her incredulous. "Hey, I'm serious. If you think this is stopping you from moving on, then that's exactly what we need to do! Normal things! Carry on like nothing happened. Show this that you're not going to let it take over your life. Take back control, one step at a time. Let's go back up there, show them you're okay."

"N-no!" Pearl shook, eyes wide.

"Why not?"

"I can't go back there." Her cheeks flushed blue.

"Why not?" Amethyst repeated. She flinched as Pearls hands leapt up to cover her face, edging closer as her fingers curled dangerously close to her gem, but thankfully stopped short. 

"I don't want them to see me like this."

"Pearl, they already saw the marks, I don't see how-"

"They know!" Pearl cried out. "They know what I am. I- I can't."

"What?" Amethyst frowned, then realised. "Pearl, you're not a traitor. Everyone knows that stuff with Pink Diamond was not your fault. You didn't choose to keep her secrets, you just had to. Anyone who can't see that has their own problems going on."

"No, I- I- ah!" Pearl tensed up, eyes pulled tight fingers digging into her hair. "They've seen it. They- They know I'm broken, useless. Weak. And I am."

"Wait, no!" Amethyst said, trying to convince her, "No you're not!"

"I just wanted to hold this off for one day. If I could do one day... I couldn't even do that," she continued, desperate. "I just wanted a chance for everything to be back the way it was. I just wanted to be normal again. But it's not." Lapis's words crossed her mind. "It never will be."

"Pearl, you'll find a way through this, you **can** still do this, you can still get through this."

"How? Why?" Pearl cried out. "The game? I was only meant to go up there and keep track of the score." Pearl waved at the door. "It was supposed to be simple, easy, safe, and look what happened! Look what it did!" She shook then curled up around herself, knees to her chin, pressing against the back of the seat. "If I can't even do such a simple task as that then what use am I anymore?"

"Woah, woah. Hold up, hold it right there- I'm not going to let you do this to yourself: That is Old-era talk I'm hearing." Amethyst tutted and waved her finger. "You don't have to make yourself useful to have a reason to exist. You don't have to be a pearl anymore."

Pearl muttered something under her breath.

"What was that?"

"I said what if I can't even do that? It's what I was made for!"

"Yeah, and I was made to be a soldier in a war. You don't see me going around picking scraps with everyone. I mean..." Amethyst rolled her eyes. "Sure. I used to, but that was mostly in the wrestling ring." She scooted over and knelt beside Pearl again. "This is wrong. Wrong that you were hurt at all. Wrong that you are having to struggle so much to recover. Wrong that you're thinking the worst of yourself every step of the way when you have done Nothing wrong yourself." She gathered her hands in her own, squeezing them gently.

"Pearl you can't keep putting yourself down like this. Your head's telling you bad stuff's going to happen when you don't know that. Right now you're seeing problems without faults and blaming yourself because there's no-one else."

"What do you-"

"Listen Pearl, I know how this works," Pearl looked up at Amethyst in confusion. "I've been there, I know what it's like. Thinking that you're broken, worthless, less than you should be? I spent most my life feeling that way."

Oh. Pearl remembered fighting Amethyst in the kindergarten, her self depreciating humour, her struggles with Jasper and what it meant to be herself. 

"I know everything feels bad right now but please believe me when I say it's better than you know. You're just struggling to see that right now."

"Your whole life," Pearl echoed.

"Yeah well, I got over it." Amethyst waved it away.

"Your whole life." Pearl stared into the distance, forlorn. "Here's me fussing on about one little attack when you've spent years-"

"No! Don't do that! It's **not** little!" Amethyst yelled, stunning the two of them into silence. She grimaced and pulled back straight away. She hadn't meant to snap at Pearl. But she was right. "What happened to you was not little," she clarified. "Don't ever call it that. Don't ever try to excuse what they did to you, or play it down. They **hurt** you. And it was WRONG."

"No, I-"

"You didn't deserve this!" Amethyst thundered, shocking Pearl into silence. "You," her voice softened. "Deserve better."

The words fell empty between them as Pearl turned her back. 

"How?" Pearl startled Amethyst when she spoke, breaking the silence over them. "You said it wasn't as bad as I think. You said you got over it- How?"

Amethyst let out a long whistle of air. "It wasn't easy, but these things never are. It messes so much stuff up..." She took a moment to consider, to work out how best to explain. "To move on you need to understand where you are." Amethyst ahh-ed and ummed. "How do I put this?"

"Sometimes when bad stuff happens we the way we look at things changes. We try to spot where the next bad thing might happen, so we can stop it happening, or at least be prepared if it does by just assuming it will, by assuming the worst. It's a survival mechanism of sorts, great for one off disasters, but when bad stuff keeps happening... It becomes your every day. Only focusing on the bad things. Only ever expecting the worst to happen. And you tell yourself it's okay because you hope that if you only expect the worst you won't get disappointed, you won't get hurt again. But it hurts anyway. It doesn't make it better. It won't let it get better. You get stuck. Then it slowly drains away all the light in your life. Because when you spend so much time keeping watch for all the bad things, you stop being able to see the possibility there could be anything better. You only expect the worst of life, of yourself, of others. You become blind to the things that are better."

"Pearl, with everything that's been going on lately you've gotten so buried with the bad things, you can barely see all the good that's still here anymore." Amethyst rubbed her back, trying to comfort her. "Things are better than you're seeing them right now." She watched Pearl for a moment, but she didn't seem to hear and she sighed. "Like what I said earlier, about the game. It was so good you were up there... We should still go back, at least show them you're okay."

Pearl flinched away. "No. They don't want to see me like this." She thought of the hushed whisperings. Weak, pathetic, broken, useless.

"Uh, says who? You?" Amethyst waved. "This is exactly the sort of thing I'm talking about: your mind is jumping straight to the worst case scenario without considering the in between. Look," she reassured her, "all those Gems up there, they don't care about that Pearl, they care about you. They're all worried about you and they'd love to see you out and about again. I'm sure they'd be glad to see you're okay."

"Amethyst, I heard them whispering."

Amethyst frowned. "Did you hear what they were actually saying?"

"I didn't need to."

"Pearl, they were probably trying to figure out how to help you." Amethyst pointed out. "Sure they were probably a little surprised too- It would certainly something new to them but that's all! Pearl, you've got to remember that you don't speak for them. Right now whatever you've got in your head that they're thinking probably isn't anything close to what what they are."

"How do you know? You weren't there, you don't know what their thoughts are either!" Pearl countered.

"No, but I have have a pretty good idea of what yours are like at the moment, and all you're seeing is worst of it. All the time." Pearl glared at her. "If we go back I can show you, we can talk to them, put your mind at ease.

"No!" Pearl curled away, hands over her face. 

"Pearl, they've already seen that, and they don't mind. Believe me, they won't." Pearl didn't seem to want to uncurl, and Amethyst shifted beside her. "You do remember that most of them had been corrupted right? They know what it's like to have their appearances suddenly, permanently changed. To have been 'broken'. They won't mind. Really Pearl."

Pearl cringed in realisation. "But it's not permanent." Pearl groaned. "They know and I-" She was a fool!

"What? No, what I'm trying to say is they'll understand! You... You just can't see that right now because you're only seeing the worst. And that isn't close to what will happen at all!"

"You're just saying that to try to make me feel better." 

"Pearl, I- of course I am! What else could I be- ugh." Amethyst closed her eyes in exasperation as she realised. "You think I'm making this up." Amethyst fell silent, thinking hard. "You know, this is exactly what I'm talking about. Worst case scenario. Not letting the good bits in 'cus you don't want to get hurt anymore. Well fine." Amethyst grabbed hold of her wrist and pulled her to her feet, dragging her over to where a vase full of flowers sat on the counter (Pearl had moved them off the table several weeks ago- they'd given her a headache.). "If you don't believe me then you need take a good look at this." 

Pearl scowled, avoiding the flowers to start with, then relented, deciding to at least analyse them with a cold detachment. She could get the barest hints of what could well have been a vibrant colour combination from the bouquet before her, and the floral scent was uncomfortably strong. But Amethyst waved her closer, nudging the vase around. 

There was a string tied around the neck, and she pulled it round to reveal a small card. 

"Well go on then, read it out," Amethyst encouraged her.

"'To Pearl, hope you get well soon, Biggs.'" She looked at the flowers again. "They're for me?" Pearl pondered the flowers in confusion. "I don't understand."

"It's a human custom some of the gems picked up on. But that's not all." Amethyst held out her hand. "Come on."

She took her up through Steven's room and out to the dome above, stepping back to allow Pearl through the door first, smiling at the gasp of surprise the scene drew from her. Nearly every surface of the room was covered in vases or bouquets of flowers, each bundled together with a new card. She spun around. "But-"

"Go ahead, take a look." Pearl reached out to the closest bundle, reading her name on the tag, and the next, and the next. "They're yours Pearl. They're all for you."

Pearl worked her way along, seeing name after familiar name, each with a greeting of 'get well soon', or something similar- although one set from Peridot had declared itself to be 'A carefully selected challenge bunch, specifically designed to hone your new colour perception.' There were duplicates too, multiple bunches from the same people, including six from Bill Dewey (along with an apology note for eaten donuts from Steven), and numerous others too. But how? When? Pearl pulled away, hands to her head trying to take stock. There were so many of them!

"We've been changing them every day. Garnet saw you'd struggle with all of them at once so we've been keeping them alive until you were ready." Amethyst glanced up. Pearl was crying again. "Oh, hey, hey it's okay." She rushed to her side, wrapping her up in a hug.

"I didn't know." She had been ignoring the pot for weeks, shunning the mocking bundle of colour for an insult when they'd simply just wanted to wish her well, just wanted to keep her spirits up. And look at her! She hadn't even noticed they'd changed. She hadn't realised, she didn't know!

"You had other things on your mind," Amethyst reassured her. "But look at them now. Every single one of these was sent by someone who cares about you." She frowned as Pearl moved towards the door, and for a moment she wondered if she was going to leave, but she stopped, facing away, trying to wipe off her tears.

"Listen, there's still time to go back," Amethyst said, "Talk to the others and show you that things can be better than you're thinking they will be."

"I can't." Pearl shivered and curled up even further. "How can I face them now? All these flowers, all that kindness and I just ignored them, I- I didn't know."

"You didn't know. But they do. And they don't mind. How many of them were asking why you hadn't replied to their gifts when you saw them?" 

Pearl blinked. "They didn't."

"Exactly. This is what I'm saying Pearl, you only see the worst, and it's hurting you. This whole thing has skewed your perception of everything, hurting you a lot deeper than anything the attack did directly and we got to start putting that right."

"The game..."

"Do you think you could go back?" Pearl shook her head. "Then never mind that for now. It's just a game, and the gems are more than happy to wait until you're ready." A sob escaped from Pearl and she shook, crying again. "Hey, hey, it's okay, it's okay."

"I can't even do that!" she sobbed.

"Oh Pearl!" Amethyst wrapped her back up in a hug, holding her tight. "Look at you," she sighed. "You're telling yourself you're useless if you do do this, AND the same if you don't. You're not giving yourself a chance to get it right," she blinked back her tears, "and it's only hurting you more." 

Pearl let out an indignant cry, shoving her away. "Do you really think I'm trying to make it worse?" Amethyst gaped and spluttered, trying to backtrack. "That I want to feel like this? I d-don't. I didn't choose this!" she yelled through her tears, sputtering to an exhausted stop. "Those gems did enough damage already. I don't need to make it worse."

"Yeah, but you're doing it anyway. Whether you want to or not," Amethyst explained softly. "You can't keep going like this, it'll tear you apart."

"Look," Amethyst ventured, "I know it's scary, and you don't want to get hurt, but to start to heal all this you need to learn how to be kind to yourself again. Believe me, I know what it's like: I always hardest on myself. I could never be good enough, I was always missing out, or lagging behind, I was always trying to live up to something else instead of being me. But to do that I had to accept me first. I had to stop kicking myself down. I had to make a change. But so can you. It's the same as before- we can break the cycle, break the chain to this misery and start to make things better. And we can start, right here," she poked Pearl in the chest, "right now."

Pearl watched her. "How?"

"I want you to tell me one positive thing about yourself!"

Pearl waited a moment. "Is that it?"

"Yup." Amethyst spotted Pearl's doubtful look. "For now."

"One thing."

"Yup."

"Like what?"

"Anything! It can be something you've done, or something you are feeling, however big or small. It just has to be positive. Something good."

Pearl considered. And kept thinking, her hands rolling over each other again. Her movements became more erratic as she tensed, frustration building.

Amethyst bopped her on the nose. "Boop!"

"Amethyst!"

"You were over thinking it," Amethyst explained. "It doesn't have to be big, or complicated. Just positive."

"But it's not enough, there's still so much I can't-"

"Boop!"

"Amethyst!" 

"You keep cutting yourself down. I know what it's like. You can't help it. But you can learn to spot it, see those negative thoughts and take a step back and reassess. Find a kinder way. Start to be more positive."

What did Amethyst know? Going on about her thoughts, how did she know what she was thinking? She was...

An uncomfortable chill ran through Pearl. Negative thoughts. Her eyes flickered up to Amethyst. Was this what she was talking about? Pearl's head raced. But what does she do now? Amethyst, all her advice, she... It was just like earlier. What had she said?

'Find a kinder way.' 

'Things can be better.'

But... How?

"Pearl?" Amethyst's voice, so full of concern drew her back.

"It's there. The thoughts." Pearl held her head. "Everything about me's telling me you don't know what you're talking about, but that's all me isn't it?"

"Yes," Amethyst said. "Yes! But now you see it you can change it. Choose a more positive outcome. It can be something, anything, it just has to be better. You can choose to believe something better!"

"But what if it's wrong?" Pearl fretted.

"But what if it's right?" Amethyst countered. "Wouldn't that be good? Come on Pearl, you can do this! I believe in you."

Pearl blinked out large teardrops, and looked down, taking Amethysts hands in hers, pondering them for a while as she tried to find the words. "You do know," she ventured, her voice hesitant as she picked her way through. "About this. You're doing this because... you want to help me."

Amethyst flung herself into Pearl, enveloping her in a tight hug, picked her up and spun her around. "That's it! That's exactly what I'm talking about! Yeah!" She leant back and started poking Pearl, making her squirm. "You get all the Pearl Points!"

"That's not how those work."

"But it feels better right?" Her enthusiasm was palpable.

"I suppose." Pearl could see Amethyst waiting for something else, giving her an encouraging nod. "Yes," she conceded. "Yes it does."

Amethyst smiled. "See? Now you just gotta start picking out the rest of them."

"The rest of them?"

"Well, yeah. Negative thoughts... You kinda have a lot. But that's okay, now you know what you can do you can work through them at your own pace! You just pick them out one at a time and try to re-word them. You'll get better at it the more you do it. But it helps, it really does. Piece by piece, it helps it get better."

Pearl seemed pensive, her face settled into sullen worry once more. It **was** a lot to think about.

"Hey P? I know it can seem like a lot but I know you'll do a good job of this. You want to know why?" She looked up. "That might have been your first attempt but you were right!" Amethyst smiled, tears in her eyes. "So beautifully perfectly right; We do want to help you! We-" She took a moment to compose herself, surprised at how relieved she felt to be finally be able to get through to her. "We really care about you."

Amethyst brushed away the tears, then elbowed Pearl in the side, breaking the moment. "Pish, you being right again. Old habits eh?" She gave her a cheeky grin.

Pearl looked away, and for a worried moment Amethyst thought she'd gone too far. 

"Amethyst, I-" Pearl wiped away the tears. "Thank you." 

"Oh hey, don't think I've forgotten- you still owe me one positive thing about yourself."

"We're still doing that?" 

"It's good practise. Today, we're going," she struck a pose, "po-si-tiiiiive!"

"Alright, just-" Pearl held up her hands "give me some time to think."

Amethyst waited, watching as Pearl thought and flustered over this infuriatingly simple task, her hands tangling over themselves once more.

"Pearl-"

"I can't!" Pearl thought of how she'd tried to tear her gem out, how she'd frozen up at the first hint of similarity to the attack, how she'd tried to run away, how she'd hidden away, ignored everything round her to wallow in her own misery and she hated every second of it. Every second he was tired, every second she wasn't able to see, every second of weakness. What 'good' was that? "I can't do this."

"You can, you-"

"I can't think of anything. Before, it was just a fluke. I can't, I'm not-"

"Woah, woah, Pearl, that's not true! Look, I can think of a few. Here," Amethyst took her hand in hers. "Let me get you started:" Pearl huffed and sobbed, still clutching her head. "You fixed up that car." Amethyst pointed out.

"Ugh. A simple human machine. Bismuth could have done it without me," Pearl countered. Amethyst kept going, biting back the urge to point out that was another negative thought.

"You're not sleeping in the sloop anymore."

"Pah. Only because-"

"Today you went out on your own to an all gem activity," she pointed out. "You've not done that for weeks."

"A distraction, nothing more," Pearl scoffed, "and look how well that went(!)"

Amethyst persisted. "You haven't tried to attack your gem in days."

"That's- that's hardly something to be celebrated."

"Pearl! Please. It's progress. That is good itself. Remember what I said earlier. You gotta at least let yourself see it for what it is." Pearl harrumphed. "What?"

"It's just..." Pearl fidgeted. "That's not setting the bar very high." 

"That's the point. It doesn't have to be. It just has to be up. Just has to be some progress, one step at a time. So come on. Your turn. One positive thing, that's all I'm asking for." The light in the dark.

Pearl considered.

She _was_ awake. Up and about and away from the sloop. She could spend more time awake too, not that she was back to normal. What else? There had been fewer flashbacks to the attack, today aside, and she didn't fuss nearly as much over the thought of what they had done to her, no longer worried about the possibility of losing control, although there were still times she felt there was still something else, waiting at the back of her mind...

"Come on, you can do this: it just has to be one thing."

A change of tack. What had she done? Fixed the car, yes, but what else? Played games, curled up in the corner, wallowed in self pity... Pearl grimaced. How was this so hard?

A hand landed on her shoulder, the sudden contact rippling through her like a shock, and for a second all the flowers in the room seemed to light up. 

Pearl thought of Garnet, watching over her through her fears.

Pearl thought of Steven, keeping hundreds of flowers alive she'd never even see. 

Pearl thought of Amethyst, trying to save her from herself.

'-they could have shattered you, left us with nothing but shards to scrape off the beach,'

She thought of the uncertainty, the fears, the fights, the flights. She thought of all those tired moments, of what she had lost, what she could still lose. She thought of the pain, of the gems that started it all, and the family that stayed with her through it. She thought of everything and nothing, and at the end of it all she knew.

She raised her head, eyes glinting with the first embers of a fresh determination. After everything she'd been through... This is what mattered.

"I'm still here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3


	15. Dear Diary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven thinks something's wrong with Pearl

"Dear Diary,

I'm worried about Pearl. Something's really been bothering me about her. It's been a few months since she was attacked now and the others say she's doing well but I'm not so sure. 

I mean, not to say she isn't doing well! She was still improving. In fact something changed after the baseball match: she seemed to get some of her energy, her drive back. She became more more like her old self again. I suppose not having to contend with that itch helped. But it was good- We even had a great picnic on the beach and everything, and a games night too- which reminds me I still need to take that controller to Peridot to fix. Guitar hero tends to gets a little competitive in this household. But she was still improving after that, she has been improving it's just... I dunno. Maybe it's just a gut feeling but something's still bugging me about it. About her. 

I guess I'm bit worried that all this is just a front, put on for our benefit. I'm worried that she still hasn't really talked about what happened and... I don't think she's coping with it in the healthiest manner. It's been little things, but they've just been adding up, and I can't get it out of my mind.

For starters she's developed a strange sense of humour. Several times I've heard her ask Amethyst why she's so blue, and the other day I caught her singing 'I can see a rainbow" but she'd changed the lyrics to 'yellow and yellow and yellow and yellow and blue and blue and blue', then when I asked her about it she just said something about renaming ourselves 'Tricolour Quartz', then laughed. 

I also think she's taking the driving ban pretty hard. Yes I know it's a safety thing- if she can't see the lights properly etc, but she's always driven us around, something else she learnt by herself, and now she can't. I'm more than happy to drive her around in the Dondai whenever she needs it, but I think she feels like she's being a burden. She keeps making comments about how ridiculous the whole thing is and how she can still drive spaceships if she wanted, but I think she just misses that independence. Just the other day Mr Smiley told me that recently she'd been spending a lot of time down at the arcade playing Road Killer when she thought other gems wouldn't notice, and had maxed out the highscores. At least he seemed to see the funny side of it.

Yeah part of it might be that she's still coming to terms with her sight and this is just another way to cope. I mean to suddenly lose something like that, have something changed like that... It's hard. I popped home once to pick up lunch and found her staring at the portraits of Ruby and Sapphire from their wedding. She tried to cover it up, but I could see she'd been crying. But she wouldn't talk about it either, just disappearing into her room when I tried.

She's been doing that a lot too, retreating to her room. I'd go after her but it's changed. I don't know when or how it happened, I didn't even know it could happen, but instead of fountains it's dark tunnels, diving into deep water that I can't see the bottom of. As much as I want to talk to her- properly talk to her- I can't go in there and risk accidentally contaminating it. If Pearl couldn't go in and out without getting marked again it just wouldn't be fair. She's already been through so much. Still, I don't like the idea of her being down there in the dark, alone.

That said she has also been spending more time going out and about, going for walks, seeing a few old friends, which is good. Garnet still doesn't like her disappearing off on her own though. She worries something will happen again that her future vision won't pick up. And she was almost right. We've already had a few scares. Then there was incident with the library. It's been bugging me all week but I couldn't figure out why. That's actually where I got the idea to write this down. I thought it might help figure this out.

So, just last week we had a full on panic when Pearl disappeared on us for hours. She wasn't at the house, in her room or at Little Homeworld. We were all going around searching here there and everywhere and she finally turned up at the library, happily tucked into a huge pile of books, oblivious to the world.

Garnet gave her an earful for vanishing on us like that again but Pearl said she'd simply forgot to mention it. Honestly? My first thought was that it was great she felt comfortable enough to go out like that again! Shows just how far she's come. And she needs to be busy! I mean I'd be pretty fed up with being stuck around here all the time too. 

Then I asked her why she was there and she just said she was looking for something. That was it. No indication of what or why- and she knows I'd have been happy to help her. Which was... weird. 

But that wasn't all of it. She'd annotated the history books. Actually written in the books. Of course the librarian wasn't too impressed but what really worried me the most is that Pearl just left them. Got up from the big pile of books and went back to the temple in a sulk. That is very not normal. Not for Pearl.

The whole thing has been bugging me. Then the more I thought about it the more I realised she'd been doing that a lot, not tidying up. Little bits left here and there without comment. Socks mixed up. Untidy corners left untucked. The others haven't seemed to notice, but now I do I realised it's happening all the time. She was always so meticulous before but now... She just doesn't. I've been trying to keep things in check until she got better, trying to get the other two to do their bit to help, but Pearl... she just doesn't seem interested anymore. Even when I've asked her. I'm worried for her. 

She puts on this aura of being fine, of being herself again but is she really? The more I've thought about it the more I've realised that she hardly does any of the stuff she did before: fighting, dancing, tidying, Homeschool... She even dropped out of teaching at Homeschool! (She was refereeing a game of Baseball up at the school and she took a home run straight to the gem, got cracked. Of course the gems healed her with fountain water and... Yeah. She's not been back since.) She loved teaching the gems.

I got thinking: if that's everything she's not doing then what's left? A few spurts of meals, games and aimless strolls through town? How can that be enough? How can she be fine with it? What is she doing in that room of hers?

I know people change. That when bad stuff happened people can change, and Pearl is no different. Some of the changes she had no choice about and that's hard. I know she's needed to change to get through this but part of me wonders just how much she has changed. And I don't know.

This Pearl... She wears the smile and the face, but acts so differently now, it feels so wrong. I feel like I barely know her anymore. I feel as though she's so different, so distant that when I see her I'm beginning to wonder if I'm really looking at her anymore. 

How messed up is that?

But do you know what the craziest thing is? Once or twice when I've looked her in the eyes, it felt like she was thinking the exact same thing about me."

  
"We have to talk to her." Steven stood in front of the two gems, blocking their view and absolutely determined to stay put until he got an answer out of them.

"I don't know ste-man," Amethyst frowned "if she doesn't want to talk about it we shouldn't bother her."

"She'll come to us when she's ready," Garnet said.

"Her head's been all over the place since the attack," Steven pointed out, "more so than usual. You can't deny it." He huffed as they didn't take the bait. "Amethyst. Remember the other week when you asked to borrow the throwing knives."

"Yeah. She said she couldn't find them."

"She couldn't find them! Pearl couldn't find them? Pearl who always keeps everything tidy and organised and she couldn't find them?" Steven kept pushing. "Doesn't that seem off to you? I'm telling you, something is wrong."

"Chill dude, she says that whenever she doesn't want me to have her stuff," Amethyst dismissed the thought with a wave. "I've done the same before."

"So? She could have just said No."

"You're reading waaay too much into this." Amethyst flopped over the foot of the sofa into the sunshine, her eyes shut.

Steven wasn't ready to let it go just yet. "Then what about yesterday when I asked her how planes fly? Do you know what she said?"

"Magic(?)" Amethyst suggested with a smirk.

"WINGS!" Steven cried out, "and that was it, she just left, walked off. Completely passed up on a chance to lecture me about all the smart stuff I know she knows. Can you believe that? She loves telling people how stuff works! I mean even I know there's engines involved too."

"So she's developed a sense of humour." Amethyst groaned and stretched. "Good for her. Seriously, if I'd known throwing her through the roof would do that I'd have done it a long time ago." He pouted and Amethyst rolled over, propping herself up on her elbows to look at him. "Steven, she hasn't had a panic attack or had to use the Diamond essence for weeks now. She's fine, she's doing well." Steven huffed and looked away, frowning. "Steven?"

"I dunno, I just think there's something not right, something she's not telling us."

"Yeah, whatever man." She flopped back down again.

Steven kept looking back inside at the temple door, his frown deepening as he contemplated the gem inside. How could they be so apathetic about this? He needed something, something else to get them onboard. His phone buzzed. A text. He let out a gasp as he saw the sender.

"It's from Pearl." He hadn't had a text from her in ages. Not since the attack. The silence fell over the other two gems as they shared a look.

"She went into her room." Garnet came over, her curiosity piqued.

"Wow." Amethyst scrambled closer too. "How on Earth did she get signal in there?" She snuck round behind him, trying to peer over his shoulder. Steven pulled his phone away, hiding the message. "Aw come on, let's see."

"No, it's private." 

"Steee-veen. What's she saying?" He looked at the single picture that compromised the entirety of the message for a few moments, his mind taking him back several years then held it out to show them.

A single pink flower.

Garnet studied the screen, the image reflecting off her visor. "It's a flower."

"Not any flower: it's just like when she was trying to tell me about mum," Steven pressed home his point, "back when she couldn't talk about it face to face."

Garnet shared a look with Amethyst, then straightened up and approached the temple door, rapping on it loudly. "Pearl! We need to talk."

After a nervous wait the door slid open and she appeared, a little taken aback to have an audience.

"Oh? What's this about?"

Garnet guided her towards the living room, sitting down beside the others. Pearl looked around, smiling. That was another thing she'd managed to start doing again, and for a moment he wondered whether he really was imagining things.

He looked at his phone again. "Pearl, are you... okay?"

"Yes, of course I am, why do you ask?"

"I mean: Is there anything you might want to tell us? Anything at all."

She shifted, her smile fading slightly. "Whatever do you mean by that?"

"I uh, mean anything that might be on your mind," Steven wheedled around, trying to navigate the question. "Stuff that might have been bothering you since the ambush." He exhaled, hoping to have landed the point. She just had a quizzical expression, watching his antics "It's just you sent me a text." He showed it to her.

"Hmm. I don't remember sending that."

"I had a feeling you might say that."

"In fact I haven't seen my mobile in a while." She stood in the middle of the room, tapping against her chin. "It couldn't be malfunctioning could it? I should probably check it out, just to be on the safe side." She started pulling items out from her gem, and tossing them on the floor.

"It's just that it's the same as last time." Steven dodged what looked like a gym horse, trying to get closer. "When you 'lost' your phone and I had to go into your gem to get it. Maybe I need to do that again?" Pearl paused and looked at him in amusement.

"Go into my gem? Goodness," she laughed. "Whyever would I let you do that?" 

Pearl continued, oblivious to the shocked gasps from the others as they took to their feet. "A person's gem is a very private place. You wouldn't want me going into your brain and rummaging through your thoughts would you? It would be completely inappropriate."

"But-" Steven gaped, almost at a loss for words. "But what about before?"

"Before?" She raised an eyebrow then let out a trilling laugh. "I'm sure I'd remember if I had ever let you into my gem."

"But I did! I was there: There was a white space with all your stuff, and Pearls inside Pearls Inside Pearls all memories leading right back to the truth about My Mom." She looked at him blankly. "How don't you remember this?!" Steven flashed pink, but Pearl barely seemed to notice. "You have to remember: you were trying to tell me about Pink Diamond!" 

Pearl just looked even more confused, and blinked.

"Who's Pink Diamond?"


	16. Call For Help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gems try to convince Pearl to let them help her.

"Who's Pink-?" Steven gaped.

"Pearl this isn't funny," Amethyst said, "quit mucking around."

"Mucking around?" Pearl seemed offended by the idea. "Come on Amethyst, everyone knows there's only three Diamonds." 

"Dude, Pink Diamond-" Amethyst said, "you gotta remember her: you were her Pearl!"

Pearl laughed. "Me? A Pearl to a Diamond?" She doubled over wheezing. "Oh Star's no, don't be ridiculous: they'd have thrown me out within a week." 

"We have to go in there." Steven said and Pearl straightened, pulling her gem well out of range, her eyes narrowing. "This isn't right. You of all people should know Pink Diamond." He watched in dismay as the frown deepened on Pearls face. "Don't you remember anything?"

"She's, ugh," Pearl let out a groan and clutched her head, her eyes screwed shut as she willed the headache away, pushing it out with a desperate laugh. "She's not real! You're just trying to play silly little tricks on me."

Steven's phone pinged and he glanced down. Pearl had sent him another message, another picture, finger pressed against the lips shushing him. A nervous glance to Amethyst and Garnet confirmed their suspicions. He stepped forward, looking Pearl square in the eye.

"What if it's not a trick? In the attack, they did something to your gem, to your mind." He glanced at he others, to make sure that they, at least, understood, and almost lost his train of thought as he saw a tear escape from behind Garnet's visor and run down her cheek. "What if they did something to your memory, made you forget? What if you really can't remember something important to you?"

"Like what?" She blinked at them, a faint smile on her face. Steven's eyes widened. She couldn't have forgotten already. He glanced at his phone and back at her, looking so innocently up at him.

"Pearl," Steven stepped forward, speaking softly. "Look at all this:" He waved his arm at the mess around them, "Do you even remember what were you looking for?"

Pearl looked down at the floor, seeing her things scattered here and there and frowned.

"They targeted you, they went straight for your gem. This isn't just words or a side effect. They've done something to you, they're making you forget, and now the only way to find a way to fix this is to go into your gem, to find out exactly what they did in there, and if there's any way to undo it, to heal it."

"No,"

"Please Pearl, we just need to go into your gem!"

Pearl snapped, forcing them to pull back as she pulled out a spear and swiped at them. "You can't go in there!"

"Careful," Garnet warned, "if they have altered her gem they could have left protection behind. Pearl may not be herself."

Amethyst stared cross-eyed at the spear tip in front of her nose. "No kidding."

"I can hear you, you know." She turned the spear towards Garnet. "My answer's still the same."

"Your phone. You were looking for your phone," Steven explained.

"Yes, yes that's right, I needed my phone."

"Right," Steven echoed, "so why wouldn't you remember such a simple thing like that?" He fixed her with a cool glare, holding her under his gaze until she answered.

"I- I'm just tired, that's all," Pearl conceded. "It's harder to remember stuff when you're tired you know."

"You've been tired ever since the attack!" Steven shouted, stunning them all with his outburst. "You never used to sleep now you're sleeping what seems like half the time- that's not normal Pearl! Not for you. And it's getting worse. You can't spend all your time in your room hiding it away, just saying you're resting," she tensed up, "because you're not are you? Not properly. Because I see it: Every time you wake, every time you come out of that room you put on this big show of being refreshed and alert, everything better than before but you look more tired than ever. How long are you going to keep this up Pearl? How long are you going to pretend everything's okay when it's not?"

"It's not- I'm not-" she protested.

"It's hiding the truth! That whatever they did to you in there," he tapped his head, "it's still there, eating away at you. How much more do you have to forget, before you admit that something's wrong? Please Pearl, we can just go into your gem and sort all this out."

"No," the spear drifted towards him.

"But,"

"I said No Steven!" This time her spear came right up to his chin. "Enough is enough. You need to drop this right now. I'm fine." He stared back at her.

"Then prove it," Steven challenged. "Show me your phone. Show me your phone, the same one that's sending these messages and I won't bother you about it again." She considered it for a moment.

"Very well." Pearl lowered her spear, and focused, pulling out a bundle of cash from her gem and throwing it to one side. She kept searching. The minutes dragged by, Pearl getting more and more frantic, Steven watching as she kept pulling out random items from her gem. 

"You can't can you? This," he held his own phone up, "is a call for help from part of you deep inside yourself. You can't ignore it."

"I've just misplaced my phone," Pearl insisted.

"Pearl, just admit you need our help. Let us help you!"

"I probably just left it somewhere out in the city," she flustered. "Someone found it and is trying to wind you up."

"I don't believe that. Look, see for yourself." He passed her his own phone, showing the messages she had sent, causing Pearl to frown at the newer message. His phone pinged again and Pearl staggered back, forcing Steven to dive to catch the mobile before it hit the floor and she stood pale, frozen to the spot, her hands on her forehead as she stared into the distance. He stood.

"I can't let you in there," she whispered in a hushed voice, "it's not safe."

That threw Steven. This was new. "How is it not safe?" 

Pearls hand pressed against her mouth and she shook her head. Glancing down she realised what she was doing and pulled it away, staring at it, her eyes glistening.

"Alright," she finally conceded, holding her hand out to the others. "Quickly, before I change my mind."

"Or someone changes it for you," Amethyst quipped, earning herself a glare.

"We'll have to be careful," Garnet warned them, "we don't know what we'll find in there."

"Apparently," Pearl stepped up, scooping them all together in a beam of light, "neither do I." She held them high above her gem for a moment. "Good luck," she said, and as they descended towards Pearl's pearl Steven thought he heard her whisper.

"I'm sorry."


	17. Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They enter Pearl's gem only to discover things have changed.

"Right, Pearl keeps all her things stored in the top layer, so we have check here fir-" Steven stopped as he saw the scene in front of him.

"-st." He looked around at the desolate mindscape aghast. 

"Woah," Amethyst lifted a foot as she crunched through a pile of plates on the floor. "This is even worse than my room."

It was dark, the clean white space had gone, hints of its presence felt only in the broad jagged sheets that wedged together piecemeal to make up this crude half-place, offcuts of scenery shoved together like crazy paving, slabs of rock sitting next to unnatural shards of white marble, tattered grass and drifting piles of sand, all covered with piles of junk that spilled out, vaguely familiar items scattered all over the floor as far as they could see in the half light, a pale glow touching everything with an eerie silver. High above them lay a thick sky, hints of stars taunting them through the inky black, the moon absent. Steven's ears strained, and he looked around, certain he could hear the familiar wash of the ocean. He looked toward the horizon, trying to hunt out the source of the glow, his gaze drawn to a patchwork of yellow lights in the distance.

"Oh hey! Is that meant to be Beach City?" Amethyst admired the scene. "I like it, it's kinda abstract. Maybe we should get Pearl in on some of those art sessions." Steven squinted and finally saw what she meant. A myriad of squares there, piled on top of each other to form the city itself, that triangle at the front for the jutting headland, a bright mis-shape for the beach house. He could pick out the water tower and Funland too.

"It's a long way from here," he realised. "We should be in the ocean." The memory of the sea pulled at his mind, and he looked around, ears pricked for the earlier sound. He must have imagined it, a mere memory for there was not a sight nor sound of it here in this patchwork world. 

A small gust of wind stirred the sand around their feet, drawing his attention downwards. He crouched to shuffle through a scrambled heap. She would still try to keep her things organised even in this mess right? He pulled a grey blanket aside to reveal a familiar light.

"Brass lamp." He held it up for the others. "Do you reckon she'd file that under 'Brass' or 'Lamp'?" Garnet shrugged and Steven dove in once more, pulling out a lighter, an oversized lollipop, and a lockbox from the same pile. "It must have been 'Lamp'! That must mean we're close." He kept looking, pulling out a telescope, taking a second to think about this one. "La, le, li, lo, luh... Looking glass!" He carefully placed it to one side and kept going, rummaging arm deep in the pile until he heard a hollow crack, his fingers his fingers up against cold metal and broken woodwork, a chill running up his back as he traced over the item, his mind working furiously. He reached both hands in and pulled it out, not caring that the rest of the mess collapsed, spreading even further over the floor to each side as he surveyed the battered remains of her violin.

"Broken violin?" Amethyst suggested, and Steven sighed. No, that didn't fit either. 

"I found a whistle," Garnet offered.

"And I got an elephant statue!" Amethyst studied the wooden figure, "or carving. Could be either."

He let the violin fall between his fingers, landing on the floor with a flat clang. None of it matched. This wasn't right. "We need to find Pearl."

"Isn't all of this Pearl?" Amethyst said.

"No, that's not-!" He sighed, letting out his frustration in a huff, then explained. "There was a Pearl inside Pearl's pearl last time. She has to be around here somewhere." Picking a direction he started walking, not bothering to check if the others were following him.

"Hey, wait up!" Amethyst scrambled to catch up with him. "What's wrong?"

He stopped.

"Everything." He waved his arm at the place. "Last time I was here there were different Pearls, all in different parts, layered within each other. Separate, organised. This was a plain white room, Pearl and all her things neatly stored away. Now," he crouched running his hand over a white fragment almost buried in the shadows, "it's broken, it's all jumbled up." Steven paused, thinking back to the uncertain Pearl they had known since the attack, flighty, dismissive, forgetful. He should have seen it sooner. "Could the attack really have done all this?"

"Yes." Garnet made him jump a little, appearing out the darkness at his shoulder. "Look at the cracks." he followed her guiding hand and studied the cracks themselves. It took a moment for him to see it, to piece together the un-crack-like lines, to realise they followed the pattern of all too familiar words.

"Oh..."

"I feared as much. The damage to her gem was too specific, the attack too well planned..." Garnet sighed, looking around. "They tore straight through."

"But she seemed fine!" Amethyst argued, "she was getting better, she was... normal." 

"Except for when she wasn't," Steven pointed out.

"That's Pearl for you," Garnet said, "tidying it all away. She's very good at-"

"Compartmentalising," Steven's voice blended in with Garnet's and he frowned, looking towards the distant lights. 

"We need to find her. Come on." 

They followed him, picking a line towards the city. A loud rattle startled them, and they looked around to see a cloud of dust marking out a jumble of objects falling down a dark hole put of sight. Without a word they kept going. Sticking closer together they switched around, following Garnet as she lead the way using her gem as a torch.

She stopped, the light finally picking out a familiar figure up ahead. Pearl was stood tall, her back to them, bow sat around her waist, spear by her side. "There you are!" Steven called out in elation, his heart soaring as he ran towards her. "We've been looking for you for age-"

"Who goes there?" Pearl swung around, her spear in hand, sharp and glinting in the light. It forced Steven to skid to a halt, wind-milling his arms to stay out of range and steady himself.

"Pearl!" he gasped, stomach dropping as he saw the cracks stretching across the middle of her face. 

"You don't sound like a pearl," she stated, tilting her head. "In fact you sound like a Steven."

"I am a Steven. I mean," he quickly corrected "I **am** Steven!"

Amethyst sidled up beside him and tugged at his arm. "Dude, her eyes," she whispered.

"Yeah, I see it."

"She doesn't. No wonder she's not tidied up: she's blind!" Amethyst announced.

"Amethyst!" Pearl scolded her, pulling her spear away. "Ugh, only you could be so rude."

Amethyst stuck her tongue out at her in response, the gesture going unnoticed. "Yeah, it's me," she sniped instead. "Oh, and Garnet's here too."

"What are you all doing here? You shouldn't be here, it's not safe."

"Shouldn't she know that?" Amethyst asked. "She brought us in here."

" ' _She_ ' can hear you you know," Pearl narked.

"That doesn't matter- we are and we need to find your mobile phone," Steven explained. 

"My phone? I haven't seen it," she responded dryly, earning a chuckle from Amethyst.

Steven groaned, but stayed focused. "You don't happen to know where it might be do you?"

Pearl swung around again with a huff. "Do I look like I know where it is?" She didn't give them a chance to answer. "Seeing as you're here I suppose you can take a look round, but you'll have to be quick, it's-"

"Not safe here. Yeah you already said." But she ignored him, already turned back to her watch. "Alright," Steven clapped his hands together loudly, not noticing Pearl wince behind him, "We've got to search through everything. Start here and work our way outwards. We might as well put it all in one pile as we go." They started sorting through, calling out to each other, Amethyst throwing some of the larger items back with a clang!

"Oh really!" Pearl shushed them angrily. "Can't you do that quietly? I can hardly hear a thing with all your racket."

"I'm sorry," Amethyst needled, "we'll just go over here and try to save your skin from somewhere else!" Amethyst stomped off in a huff and let out a yelp as she collided with something in the ground, hopping around clutching her shin cursing loudly. She kicked the offending obstruction for good measure and it shifted slightly, revealing itself. Steven's eyes widened as he realised what it was. 

"The sloop!" It was half buried in the ground, wedged in by the fragments around it and covered in debris, but it was definitely their ship. Looking closer he noticed the ground around it was welded together with stretching watermarks.

"So that's where that got to," Garnet observed, coming over. She crouched down and grabbed hold of it, straining for a moment or two until it shifted, then pulled free, revealing a dark hole underneath.

Pearl let out a cry. "No! Stop!" The raw fear in her voice caused the others to freeze. "Don't move, stay exactly where you are," she instructed, carefully picking her way over to where Steven stood, using the butt of her spear to sound out the floor in front of her as she walked, knocking away obstructions from underfoot. She came up alongside him and grabbed his shoulder to steady herself as she reached forward, dragging the spear onwards until it slipped down into the jagged black pool beyond. She drew it back. 

"You need to be careful of these." She prodded the ground around them, until she caught a loose item, sending it rattling towards her feet. She flipped the spear around, hitting the unfortunate object with the flat of the blade and knocking it clean into the hole, where it disappeared. "Nothing ever comes back out."

Garnet watched the abyss for a moment, then returned the boat, being careful to replace it exactly where it came from.

"Pearl," Steven's hands flew up to catch her as she stumbled over an uneven fragment, tottering out of his grasp with a half shove to stand on her own. "What are you doing out here?" Steven asked, "What happened to you?" Pearl turned away, looking back towards the shore.

"I was attacked." Her hands wrung around her spear, holding it tight. "What's new(?)"

Steven frowned. "But that was weeks ago."

She shook her head. "It's still here. It's still..." She doubled over and groaned, and the world rumbled around them. "No!" She forced herself up again, "I have to stop it, we have to keep it contained!" she insisted, heading back to the spot where they'd found her.

"Keep what contained?" 

"I, I..." 

"You don't know do you?" Steven realised. Pearl grumbled under her breath back at him but didn't answer. "You're forgetting." Steven glanced back towards the sloop, the black hole fresh in his mind. "You're losing your memories."

"Except I'm not." She turned back towards Beach City once more. "That's rather the point." A tired sigh escaped her lips. "There's a nightmare out there." She nodded towards the shore. "All it wants to do is to tear this apart, to destroy everything I, we've built, rebuilt, and yes, destroy our memories too. We can't let that happen." 

"But it already has," Steven realised. 

Pearl looked at him dead on, unseeing, the cracks across her face forming a crude parody of the skyline behind. "Yes," she admitted. Her spear lowered, dragging along the ground until it skipped across a crack, and she tapped that a few times, deep in thought. "I've been doing all I can but..." She fell silent, the world around them answer enough.

"That's okay. We can help you. We're here to help you!"

"I didn't want you here," Pearl snapped. "It's bad enough as it is, but now? It'll be after you too, more than ever. You have to be careful: If it catches you you'll be destroyed." 

"'Not safe'," Steven echoed. "Right, got it."

She frowned. "It probably already knows you're here. You should go, before it finds you, before you make things worse." 

"No, no no no no no-" he followed her, "we're here to help. We're not leaving until we find that phone. Or the next Pearl down the line."

"And which Pearl would that be?" Pearl asked. "There are a few of us after all."

"The 'Mess'," he answered pointedly.

Pearl gasped a little louder than necessary, hand to her chest. "Oh, Steven! Don't be so rude!" 

"Your words, not mine," he fired back and Pearl winced her face flushed blue, her hand trailing up to the cracks that were there.

"I guess can hardly excuse that one anymore, can I?" she murmured.

Steven reached out to her. "Look that doesn't matter now: Can you send us there?"

She pulled away. "No," she sighed. "Not directly at least." 

"Wait," Steven was taken aback. "You can't just send us through your gem?"

"Not anymore." She sighed wistfully. "Everything's so jumbled up... Though you may be able to find a way through yourselves."

Steven paused, thinking. "Beach city. She was by the Temple. We need to go there."

"No!" Pearl cried out, halting them, the fear behind her voice palpable. "You can't, it's not safe! That's where It is, that's where it's strongest. It's too dangerous."

"But that's where she was last time- she's got to be there." Steven blinked in puzzlement, but Pearl had gotten a vice like grip on his wrist, stopping him from going any further.

"Not up there. I can't let you go there, it's not safe! There's holes everywhere, cracks, loose segments... The whole place is unstable: If you get pulled in-" Pearl began to panic, her fingers tightening until Steven gave a little grunt of discomfort and twisted away.

"But that's why we're here! We're here to stop this, to fix all of this!" He waved at their surroundings. "You have to let us at least go and try."

Pearl scoffed in disbelief. "Steven, look at this place," she explained with a simple wave. "It's not going to be fixed overnight. Not even by you."

"But your phone...?"

She sighed, head dropping for a moment. "You need to be careful. It's-"

"-not safe here," Steven finished, "you already said!"

"Steven, listen to me." She reached out to him, fingers tracing across his hair until she found his shoulder and rested her hand there, giving it a squeeze. "You need to understand that whatever sent the message that drew you here... May not have your best interests at heart. There's things here Steven, things that move in the darkness, waiting to take everything they can. Bad things."

"Nightmares?"

"The worst." Pearl was quiet, her mind distracted elsewhere for a moment. "Please, you need to go, leave this place altogether. If you're lucky they won't realise you were here at all."

"But what about you? We can't just leave you here on your own... We came to help, and we're not leaving until we have," he declared. Pearl clung onto her spear, knuckles tightening over the shaft. "Pearl, it'll be fine. We'll make sure we just keep out of their way."

"Steven please be careful. I..." she spoke softly, her voice full of emotion, "I don't want to lose you."

A gust of wind tumbled a loose sheet of paper past them and Pearl tensed with a gasp, pulling her spear close. "No..." she whispered, then her head snapped up. "We're too late, you've been here too long." The wind was picking up and throwing more and more around. Behind her the lights of beach city slowly disappeared, obscured as a dark swirling cloud built up between them covering them in shadow.

"What is **That**?" Steven asked.

"Bad," Pearl replied, her voice quivering. "You have to go, Now. Run, hide! I can hold it off, for a while." She pushed them away and then turned readying herself as the storm wall approached. "Go!"

The ground beneath them began to quiver, the fragments shaking and rattling as the storm approached, loud creaking, cracking sounds echoing around them as they began to shift. Steven stalled, watching as Pearl stood dwarfed by the approaching mass, the thundering whirl of energy that made the ground shake at its approach, ready to run to her side and shelter her as it picked up more and more debris from the ground and pulled it through the sky with a growing roar.

Garnet grabbed him and pulled him away as the outer edges of the wind picked up and whipped at them, the power behind it building. Together they ran, having to duck and dodge as larger objects started rising into the air around them and even some of the fragments from the mindscape began to finally move, the smaller slabs lifting clean out the ground.

"What's happening?" Steven cried realising he'd lost sight of Pearl. "What's happening to her?"

"Come on!" Garnet urged him, ducking and pushing him onwards, trying to get them away from this looming turbulence.

There was no time to answer as the slab beneath them tilted, and began to lift up, sending Steven tumbling to the floor, yelling as he slid down the slab and into the darkness below.


	18. Under the Rose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They descend further into Pearl's memories in search of her phone.

He was falling. 

A pair of hands grabbed hold of him, the cold metal bands of her rings digging into his wrists as Garnet clung on and they were swinging, Amethyst reeling all of them into safety in the lee of a large slab. They landed with a thump, left panting and puffing from the exertion. Steven vaguely realised he was lying on top of Garnet, but he had other things on his mind as the roar of the wind faded. 

"What was that?"

"Bad memories," Garnet explained sitting up, letting the implications sink in.

"But... She..." Steven stuttered out, his mind full of the image of her about to be swallowed by the storm, and the endless stream of tired moments he'd glimpsed, just when she thought he wasn't looking. The attack... "We should have stayed, we should have helped her!"

"There wasn't anything we could do." Garnet's words were scant comfort and he curled over wrapping his arms around his legs and hanging his head. It had been weeks. She'd been doing well, the nightmares much reduced, able to stay awake, stay active for longer, even started going out on her own. He thought it had started to fade, started to heal, put some distance between herself and the attack. But to see this, here so plainly... She was still suffering. It was still as present as ever. 

They hadn't fixed it, they hadn't fixed any of it!

"Oh!" The familiar voice cut him short and he looked up to see Pearl's startled, tearstained face. "Sorry. I- I didn't realise there was anyone here." She had already turned to flee and he leapt up to stop her.

"Wait, don't go!" She stopped, looking back at him expectantly as he waved at her there in her familiar legwarmers, a flowing net covering her shoulders. "You're here!" He spun around, checking the scenery to be sure: the fragment they were hidden behind was a hand, sticking up out the sand covered ground- they were on the beach, surrounded by the ocean, once more present and flowing in a gentle wash and ebb. He looked up, and the Temple was there, rising behind them, the hands cupped around the entrance way, warp pad nestled in the centre. Steven smiled.

They'd done it!

"I suppose you saw me coming." It took Steven a moment to realise she was talking to Garnet. "I don't know why I'm surprised. I'm going to lose everything. Might as well lose my hiding spot too." She turned and walked away.

"Wait!" Garnet called, stopping her in her tracks. "Join us. There's always room for one more."

"But not her. I'm going to lose her." Pearl started to cry, big fat tears that streamed down her cheeks. "I don't want to lose her again!" Garnet and Amethyst shared a knowing look and went to her side, wrapping her in a hug. Steven held back, taking the opportunity to look around.

It almost looked normal, so much like before, so much like home but there were cracks here too, the ground more uneven where mismatched slabs met askance, and ever so often a black hole appeared, a dark gap in scenery where nothing lay. There was the occasional intrusion of colour from another memory that threw the eye here and there, but otherwise it just looked like the old temple. He frowned and took a closer look, squinting as his eyes tried to place in a few fragments of the complete beach house on the unbuilt statue, sharp coloured shards that sat uncomfortably in the air. Pearl saw where he was looking.

"They're trying to tear it apart," Pearl said. "They're trying to take everything away. I can't stop it." She quivered, on the edge of tears once more.

By their side Amethyst had dug down into the sand, uncovering a thicker patchwork than it had appeared at first. "Uhh, I don't think this should be here." She held up a chipped teapot, and Steven recognised it as one they'd had in the house once.

"Was anything left untouched by the attack?" Steven asked and Pearl gave a small shake of her head. "We have to find a way to stop this," Steven said, determination in his heart.

"Then why are you here?" Pearl waved at the place. "There's nothing here that can."

"We're looking for your phone." Steven turned to her. "We were sent a message, and we need to find the version of you that sent it. They have the phone."

"A phone? That's it?" she said. "You don't need me for that."

"No, we need the Pearl back at the Palanquin, the one who served Pink Diamond!" Steven insisted. "Do you remember her?" Pearl frowned, blinking heavily. There was a low rumble and the ground shifted beneath their feet, accompanied by a muffled cracking, the world shaking around them as fragments shifted and cracked then it stilled once more. After ensuring nothing was going to surprise them from the quake Pearl emerged from under her arms and turned on him.

"Don't do that!" she snapped. "Do you want it to come back?"

"Of course not! I just need to get to the Palanquin." The ground rumbled around them once more, and they glanced around nervously, Pearl flitting back and forth.

"Stop it, stop it, stop it!" she cried.

"Please," Steven spoke once it settled. "I was here last time but now everything is broken and messed up, and I don't know how to get there anymore."

"Well I can't help you. There are no Palanquins on Earth." Pearl stated matter of factly. "They'll be on Home world with the Diamonds and all the warps there are broken." She folded her arms. "They can't get to us here. We certainly can't get to them."

"But-"

"Steven, this isn't working," Garnet warned him pointedly, glancing around at where sand now streamed from the beach into an unseen crack below. "It's making things worse."

"Please," He kept trying. "We at least need to keep going back, to before you came here, to before the corruption." Steven looked towards Garnet. "To the war, the rebellion. Do you still remember that?" Pearl looked at him,

And smiled. "Of course I do. How could I forgether.she gushed "Oh it was wonderful. We stood up against the Diamond's forces, fighting against huge numbers and winning- we may have been small but we were Mighty! All the Agates and Emeralds would quiver in fear when they heard the name 'Crystal Gems' for it always brought bad news- for them! Thousands of gems flocked to Earth to join us, heeding Rose's call to fight by her side, each and every one believing in a better life, free of the tyranny of the Diamonds!" The gems shared a nervous glance but Pearl seemed not to notice, and continued. Steven tugged at Amethyst's sleeve. 

"Dude, I was listening to that."

He pointed up, towards a red fragment that had appeared sat against the base of the cliffs. As Pearl kept speaking it seemed to grow, revealing the bare battlefield inside. "That's where we need to go next," he whispered, and silence fell, and a quick glance up found himself caught under Pearls glare.

"Oh don't mind me, I'm sure whatever it is, is infinitely more fascinating than I."

Steven pulled a face, wishing he had been a bit more discreet. "I found the way out," he explained sheepishly. "Your memories are better linked than you think."

"What? They can't be." Pearl looked up, staring at the gap, her face falling. "Oh. Oh no..."

"But that's good right?"

The breeze hit them, drawing Pearls attention and flicking her hair around her head. Her eyes widened. "No!" She started turning, looking around in panic, the wind getting stronger. "Not now! Not here too!" 

"It's happening again." Steven looked up, at the growing cloud above the Temple, a thick dark roiling mass that bubbled and grew.

He searched for the familiar red fragment of memory pressed up against the cliff. "We have to go," he shouted at the others, grabbing them and dragging them towards it, running up the beach. "Pearl! Come on!" he called back, hoping she would join them, but she stood her ground as the storm dropped straight down towards her. A glance around showed him the window had shrunk, and was growing smaller with every second. "Pearl, hold on, you have to hold on!"

"No, get back!" Pearls shouts echoed to them over the wind, shouting at the descending funnel. "You can't be here, I can't let you do this!"

They made it up to the cliff, the oversized weapons visible on the other side, the window already starting to close.

"In there!" he called. Amethyst dove in ahead of him. "Come on!"

Garnet had stopped, frozen in place, the red of the battlefield reflected in her visor. Steven grabbed hold of her and tried to pull her through but she didn't budge. "We've got to go!"

"Steven, I- I can't." She took a step back. "I never wanted to go back! Please," she begged him, the sky darkening around them.

There was a cry in the background as the storm made ground fall, sending out a burst of wind that shunted them towards the cliff. Pearls voice came through in loud begging sobs, a strange echo of her words. "Please, please: I can't do this, not again."

"We have to Garnet," Steven insisted as another cry came up from Pearl, and behind him he could hear the strange crackling as the window continued to shrink. "Together, for her." He held out his hand and she finally took it, letting him pull her through the narrowing gap. 

They emerged on the battlefield. The sounds of fighting receded into the distance, the trail of discarded weapons and damaged gems strewn over the ground behind it all. There wasn't another soul in sight and the fragment they'd come through was gone, no sign of the other part of Pearl to be seen. 

"This way," Garnet said, looking towards the horizon.

"Hang on." Steven crouched, gently scooping a small pile of gem shards to one side to reveal the ground below, brushing the dirt away. There were cracks here too, and he traced it along. They were larger still than before, chopped into fewer fragments, and sturdier too. It obviously hadn't been as badly effected, so deep in her mind. "Hey Garnet, have you still got your phone? I've got an idea."

She handed it to him. It still had Kofi's name on it (they'd replaced his long ago). He pulled up Pearl's number and let it ring, holding still as the three of them listened. 

Nothing. Steven wasn't surprised. "Alright. Let's go."

Garnet led the way, straight to a small forward base hidden behind a cleft in the rocks.

"Halt! Who goes- Garnet!" Pearl greeted them at the end of a sword, before letting her in. "We didn't expect you back for another hour. Did you run into trouble?" She spotted Steven, and Amethyst. "Who's this?"

They exchanged a look. "Pearl don't you-?"

"New recruits," Garnet explained, cutting over them.

"Isn't this one an organic?" Pearl turned her sword to Steven, eyes narrowing.

"We need him," Garnet said.

"A human?" she queried. "Alright then. And a quartz." She raised an eyebrow at Garnet. "A somewhat small one at that."

"Amethyst! I'm clearly an amethyst!" Amethyst corrected with a huff. "You know that. I came from the kindergarten."

"A kindergartener?!" Pearl turned on Garnet. "Wait, you brought a kindergartner here?! Garnet, you know how dangerous they are." 

"Pearl, she's on our side. Besides, she was left behind by the others. She stays."

"Hmpf." Pearl didn't seemed convinced but turned and walked away.

"Come on," Garnet said, and followed.

"Garnet?" Steven asked quietly, careful not to let Pearl hear. "Why doesn't she recognise us? She always had some awareness of who I was, even when I was deep in her memories."

Garnet looked at him, and for a moment in the shadows he could see her eyes, distraught. Then she turned and it was gone, the usual stoic front returned, and when she spoke it was of such certainty that he thought he might just have imagined it. "You were never part of her memories. I was. She thinks she's just reliving a memory, so we are. We've become a part of it."

"So you know how it goes right?"

There was a pause. "Yes." Garnet wouldn't say any more, instead following Pearl as she took them further into the camp.

"Garnet, Pearl!" A gem came running up, and Steven started as he realised the gem was a quartz, one of the old Crystal gems. He stood gaping having not recognised her for a moment. He knew her, he realised, but he was seeing her as she was before the corruption. "That battalion of Jaspers have stopped advancing. They're holding position on the far side of the field."

"What?" Pearl's head snapped around. "Where?" They hurried over to a nearby table covered with a map and markers. 

Pearl studied it carefully. "We need to tell Rose." She swept her finger across the map. "We can jump them from the high ground here, here and here if we move quickly."

"No!" Garnet's raised voice caused the hustle around them to pause. "It's a trap."

"Of course it is. But if we send out Biggs on this flank, and another two groups here and here, they should be able to hold off any extra surprises. No chance of a rearguard attack, and they'll be in position to reinforce our lines if the main attack goes badly. It'll be the best chance we've got to take them out!"

"No, it's too dangerous, we need to stay together." Garnet waved at the map. "They've changed their plans at least four times in the last day. Something is happening that we don't know about. Until we find out what we need to hold our position."

"Shouldn't that be even more reason to go? We may be able to find out what's happening from them." Pearl pointed out, thumping the table with the pommel of her sword. "Besides, anything we can do to disrupt their plans is beneficial to us. The more tactics we can foil, the more flawed their tactics become. Why else would they have changed their plans so often? They're getting desperate and we can take full advantage of that."

"That's not a good thing," Garnet warned. "We need to talk to Rose, to warn her-"

"Garnet, you're back." Steven's eyes widened as Rose Quartz approached, almost glowing in her white dress. Steven suddenly felt ten years old again, staring up at that kind portrait of his mum, wondering what she was like. And here she was. At least the memory of her was. Her eyes met his. "Who's this?"

"New recruits," Garnet explained, stepping between them, mostly obscuring her from view even as she leant round to get a better look at him.

Steven felt his breath catch in his chest. His mum. Was here. Living, breathing, talking... It was too much. Steven knew Pearl knew her, but to see her here, to hear her speak to him and know it was more than a figment of his own imagination, that it was a reconstruction born of the memories of the one person who knew her better than almost anyone else... 

This was the closest he would ever get to meeting her, to being able to talk to her, maybe get some answers to so many questions he had bottled up. He had toyed with the idea of asking Pearl to show him more of her in the past, to share in her memories but he never got round to it.   
With everything that happened with Rose, Pink Diamond, and the Diamonds, he hadn't been ready. 

He still wasn't.

He turned and ran.

He was in a narrow crevice, hints of sky sketching a winding thin line above him when Pearl landed before him, sword in hand.

"Where are you going?"

"Pearl, I-" Steven shuffled, looking for another way around her. If he could just get out of here they could continue searching for her phone in peace. 

"Hold it right there!" she ordered and Steven held up his hands as she inspected him warily. "Why did you run?" 

Surprising himself Steven laughed, ridiculous nervous laughter that crept out around the edges. "I- I don't know! It's just... It's her, it's Rose Quartz," Steven set out as though that explained everything. "She was right there. The closest I'm ever going to get to her." His hands stretched and balled instinctively. "Everything she's done... And she's there." He took a step back, slowly inhaling and letting the stream of air run from him.

She studied him intently, then chuckled, finally letting her sword relax a little. "I know the feeling. She's quite something." A blue blush tinted her cheeks as she gazed into the distance wistfully, her mind elsewhere for a moment.

Pearl turned to him. "Look, she may be the leader of the Crystal Gems but you don't need to worry. Her size is only outmatched by her heart, so full of kindness and love..." She let out a content sigh, then glanced back at him, "especially for humans. Well you can take a breather here for now, but we will need to head back soon."

"Oh. Do I have to?" He asked. "It's just I need to find something and I think it's out there somewhere. If I could just head out and have a look... I won't be a bother, I promise."

Pearl was already shaking her head. "Out of the question. We can't let you leave the camp at such a delicate point in our campaign," She waved her sword, "and there are many enemy gems out there who would crush you without a second thought as soon as they found you. You're better off staying." She let out a hmm. "You never know. Perhaps one of our scouting parties might find it."

"Can they? I dunno, I'd rather they didn't. Then again I'd rather not have my head taken off by a rogue gem. Aghh... Pearl, can't you just imagine they're not there? That we're not being attacked by horrible vengeful gems. It'd make my life so much easier," Steven said and Pearl looked at him in confusion. "No, of course not, that'd be too simple."

"What are you on about?"

Steven paused, considering what to do.

"Pearl," he turned to her, "I'm looking for your phone."

She blinked. "'Phone'?"

"Your mobile phone? Rectangular metal dealy about this big? Communication device?" 

"I- what?" She stilled a little, watching him intently. "Why would you need a communication device?"

"It's hard to explain." You keep forgetting for starters, he thought to himself. If she knew we were in her memories like last time none of this would be taking so long. "Pearl, do you remember who you were before you became a rebel?"

Silence settled between them.

"Why would you ask about that?" Her eyes narrowed, the sword tilting upwards again. "What do you know about that?"

"I... I don't know if I can say, but Pearl, I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important," Steven explained, "and it's so, so important."

"Who are you? What are you doing here?" She stepped forward holding him at sword point. "Why would you want, why would you need a communication device that is allegedly mine? I've never even had a 'phone'." She paused. "Unless Homeworld is calling them something different these days."

The sound of running feet heralded the arrival of Garnet and Amethyst at his side.

"Steven, you okay? Woah!" Amethyst jumped as she saw Pearl threatening Steven. "Hey!" She batted the sword away. "Knock that off, we're on your side."

The blade came up again.

"Says you." Pearl edged closer, and waved at Steven, glancing towards Garnet. "I caught this one trying to run out of camp after some communication device. No doubt to inform Homeworld of our movements. I'm surprised they would sink so low as to recruit a human, but the amethyst babysitter should have been the give-away. They'd never trust a human to do a gems job after all."

"Pearl, they're not spies." Garnet walked between them. "It's okay. Steven was just confused. Secret mission. We do need to find a communication device, but we need to stay together."

"How did you find them?" Pearl asked, elaborating when none of them answered. "Garnet, how did you find these two? Gems and humans don't tend to go gallivanting around together." She paused. "Most of the time. And certainly not around here! Even the boldest humans don't come anywhere near this place! They can't even use the warp pads."

"I can," Steven piped up.

"What? How?"

"Well, I'm not exactly human," Steven explained.

"What do you mean?"

He pulled his shirt up, just enough to reveal the gem beneath. Pearl gasped and staggered back, somehow going even more pale than her usual self.

"A rose quartz. But they were all taken away... In a human..." She darted forward, pinching at Stevens arm, hand probing over his face, trying to discern the trick. There was none. "A part organic gem?" Her eyes narrowed. "How is this possible? Who did you fuse with?" A hand clapped over her mouth, then shifted to her head. "All the rose quartz were rounded up or shattered. If you are here, you must have been sent from Homeworld."

"They're not. They shouldn't be here, but they're not spies, they're just trying to help you," Garnet explained. "We all are."

"Who are you? And tell me the truth or I'll have the others lock you away."

"No, no," Steven waved his hands, "you don't need to do that."

"Pearl, you need to trust us," Garnet said.

"Trust you? How? Garnet, you turn up with two new gems including this..." she waved at Steven, nose wrinkled in disgust, "part organic fusion, but you won't tell anyone why, or where you've come from." She paced. "Garnet, you even look different. What's going on? Who are these people?"

"Friends, from the future that is the present. You were attacked and they did something to your memory. We entered your mind to trace a communication device we believe is otherwise lost deep in your subconscious past, a part of you that was calling us for help, to try and find out what is going on so we could help you. All this," Garnet waved around her, "is just another memory from long ago, and now we need your help to find our way to the rest."

"Memories? The future?! This is ridiculous." Pearl's attention turned on Garnet. "The Garnet I know has future vision, but she never makes up wild stories like this." The sword waved in front of her. "Who are you?"

"Garnet."

"Lies!"

"It's the truth, and I can prove it." Garnet paced away, then stopped. "Less than an hour from now the Diamonds will launch a planet-wide attack that will cripple and change all but a few gems, turning them into mindless monsters that will roam the planet for years to come." The mindscape rumbled. "You know what's coming Pearl, you've already lived it. This is your memory."

"No, No! That can't be!" Pearl groaned, clutching her head. "You're just trying to scare me with your future vision. I won't have it!"

"Search within yourself Pearl. You know it's true."

Pearl watched her for a moment, looking them up and down.

"Guards!" In a second a dozen other gems surrounded them, faces dim in the twilight. "These people are intruders. Take them away and lock them up until they tell us who they really are." The gems hesitated, looking at Garnet. "Her too. I don't know who she is, but that's not our Garnet."

"Wait, what are you doing?" Steven cried as the gems stepped forward and grabbed the three of them, holding them tight. "Let us go!"

"We can't afford to have any rogue elements wandering around camp right now, we need to stay together. She," she glanced at Garnet who was trying to fight her way free, but none of her hits seemed to have any effect, "was right about that at least. With the opposition on the move the last thing we need are otherwise friendly faces stabbing us in the back. No surprises. No strangers."

They began to drag them away.

"Pearl, wait Pearl, no!" Steven cried out. "You know us! You know who we are, come on! You've got to remember, you've got to snap out of this. We need you!" She didn't move, simply watching as he got plucked off his feet. This wasn't working, this wasn't right! 

"WAIT!" Steven's shout halted them in their tracks for a moment. "If you don't know who we are then what about her? What about Pearl?" He addressed the gems that loomed in the shadows around them, and the ones that held them. "Do you really know who she is? Do you know who she was before she joined you?" They paused, considering. "Yeah. She never told any of you did she?"

"Steven, be careful," Garnet warned. "We're trying to find a way to the other Pearl, not turn these memories on their head."

"I'm just trying to open up the way," Steven explained. "She's got to know, there's got to be a way through, she just needs to think about it..." He returned his attention to Pearl. "Come on! Who are you Pearl? Who did you belong to? Before you were in the rebellion. What were you before this?"

The atmosphere shifted, gems turning on Pearl.

"I-"

"Do you remember?" Steven asked. "Do you even know?"

"I-" Pearl flustered, and shook. "It doesn't matter!"

"Of course it matters. Right now it matters more than anything else. Your memories Pearl!" Steven implored her. "Can't you remember anything from before?" 

Pearl staggered back, clutching her head. "I- ah, No!"

"Pearl?" Steven stepped forward from the loosened grasp of his captor. "It's okay, we know you from the future. We can help. We already know the truth." A quick glance told him he had the rapt attention of the watching gems. "We know it was you who shattered Pink Diamond." The world around them lurched and quivered, a deep thunderous roar echoing in the ground beneath them as it bucked and shifted, intense vibrations shuddering through in waves that threatened to knock them over, loud cracks echoing around them like gunshots as weak cracks grew, expanded and snapped, breaking through in puffs of dust and dirt to the land above.

Pearl let out cry, and fell to her knees, grasping her head. "What are you doing to me? What sort of trick is this?" Everything around them rumbled and continued to shake, pulling apart. A nearby gem shrieked as they fell into a crack, the rest of them stumbling back at the ground quaked. "Dolomite, no!" Pearl flung herself after, falling on her hands and knees reaching out to where the gem had fallen into stark darkness, despair turning to confusion as the memory faded.

"Rose," she realised, pushing herself to her feet and looked around. "Rose, where's Rose?" She became frantic, shouting louder and louder until she found the tall gem, seizing her hand and pulling her away from the cracks, holding her tighter than ever before, heart pounding, an island amidst the earthquake.

Her attention returned to Garnet, Amethyst and Steven as it, for a moment, seemed to settle. "You. Who are you? Why are you here?"

"No!" Steven groaned in exasperation. "We already told you. We're from outside, in your memories, trying to answer a call for help from a part of you you claim to have no idea about. We've told you this already but you keep forgetting! We just want to help you!" Steven bellowed, flaring pink and sending a burst of energy out all around him, throwing their gem captors away.

Pearl staggered back, the gems around them turning dark and drawing weapons.

"And to do that you need to remember." He thrust a finger at the figure of Rose Quartz behind her. "You're Pink Diamond, Rose Quartz is Pink Diamond, and you were her Pearl!" The world shook again around them, fragments picking up and shifting in the cracks more than ever.

"What are you saying? What are you doing?" Pearl cried clutching her head. "Stop this! Stop this at once!" 

"We just need to find you. The one that did it," Steven pointed out. "The Pearl that shattered Pink Diamond." The ground shrieked and danced beneath their feet, tall plumes of dust throwing up in the distance as the world convulsed.

"But you don't remember. You don't remember." Steven facepalmed, chuckling at the absurdity of it. Memories without memories. Who was supposed to know Pearl better than Pearl?

Wait. 

Rose.

He looked up again. "If you can't tell us then maybe we were asking the wrong person." He focused his gaze behind her, onto the looming figure of his mother instead. "Do you know how we can find her?"

"No, No! Don't you dare!" Pearl snapped, sword out and up at Steven. He ignored her.

"Tell me where she is!" he demanded.

"That's ENOUGH!" Pearl yelled.

"Rose!" Steven called out, eyes still fixed on the steady figure behind Pearl. 

"Traitors!" Pearl yelled with a snarl, the cry punctuated by a fresh thunder of soul rattling cracks that threw up plumes of dust as the world continued to break around them. "I won't let you hurt her. I won't let you take her away!"

"We're not trying to take her away! We're trying to find her, the real her. Pink-" the ground shook again, trying to throw him off his feet.

"You're lying!" Pearl lunged forward sweeping her blade towards them. Garnet caught it with a clang, holding Pearl at bay. Around them gems stepped closer, weapons glinting in the shadows. "It's not true!"

"Err Steven, we need to get out of here," Amethyst warned. But he kept going.

"It is!" Steven bellowed once more, pushing the approaching gems back. "It's all true! You shattered her, faked her shattering so she could live as Rose. You served her, you served Pink Diamond. You brought her down to the colony and showed her how to be Rose Quartz, inspired her to become the leader of the rebellion, flitting between the two to keep up the appearances and when it became too much you faked Pink's shattering so she could stay as Rose forever!"

"No, no! Lies, it's all lies!" Pearl looked around as the mindscape shook and shifted even more, the ground letting out creaking groans and loud rumbles as it shook and jumped. "What are you doing?"

"Exposing the truth. I'm looking for-" Stevens gaze landed on Rose behind her, and for a second she looked up, her eyes round blue ovals. It was her! "Pearl!" She shook her head almost imperceptibly.

"What?" Pearl snapped, once again readying her sword, distracting him for a second. He returned his attention to Rose but she was stood there again, frozen in place, no sign of the shifted Pearl to be seen.

"She was here." It was still here! He had almost had her. They just had to get there. Somehow. A shout of warning from Garnet gave him just enough time to throw up his shield and fend off an attack from some of the gems around them and he realised Pearl was speaking to the gems, pointing at them with her sword.

"Traitors! They were trying to infiltrate the camp, to attack Rose, to attack our leader! We have to stop them!" Both swords were out now, her gaze set in a determined glare that focused only on Steven.

"Wait no!" Steven cried as the gems turned on them, readying their weapons in kind. "You've got it all wrong! You shouldn't be doing this. This isn't real, this is just a memory, a memory gone wrong!" He chuckled nervously, trying to placate the approaching gems. "Okay okay- you were right. We're not supposed to be here, but we're just trying to find your phone, we're just trying to help! Please!"

"Get them!" Pearl leapt forward, forcing Steven to pull his shield and defend against her strikes. Around them other gems launched forward, corralling them together as they attacked. 

"Please Pearl, don't do this!" he begged her through his shield. "We only came to find your phone!" Steven clung on, back to back with Garnet and Amethyst.

"Then go and look for it somewhere else." Pearl lunged again and again, her strikes drawing loud clang from his shield as they rained down. 

"There is nowhere else. We've already looked everywhere!" Steven shouted, holding off another couple of attacks with his shield. The mindscape trembled, fragments falling away in bigger and bigger chunks. He clung on, the pressure of the attack from all sides bouncing them off each others backs. There was nowhere else to go. "Please you have to help us! You need to tell us where to find her. Just show us, something, somewhere." His forehead pressed up against the inside of his shield. "This can't be it."

"There's nothing here for you. It's time for you to leave," Pearl declared and raised her sword as the shadowy gems approached, looming over them, the world around them shaking worse than ever, loud cracks throwing up dust as it jolted and fell apart, large chunks falling out of existence around them.

"Steven," Garnet gasped as she held back an attacker, straining with her gauntlets against the gem who began to change and shift, warping into a shadowy echo of their corrupted form before Garnet punched it back. "We need to go." All around them the other gems howled in their fury, as they prepared to attack.

The sound threw them to their knees and Steven cried out, clinging on to the ground beneath him, bare to the oncoming charge. This couldn't be it. They couldn't leave now when they were so close. Pearl needed their help. They needed to find her.

But there was nowhere else to go.

Nowhere except... 

The ground was still shifting around them and a quick glance gave him all he needed. He turned as the monsters thundered towards him, and dove straight into the yawning gap, sliding under their legs and into the deep black darkness beyond.


	19. Rescue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team descend into the depths of Pearl's mind.

"Steven!"

Steven was falling once more, Garnet's voice chasing him down and he forced himself to open his eyes and look around, his attempt to project his gem light out to see swallowed by the dark, thick blackness stretching in every direction. A couple of yells came from above him and suddenly Garnet and Amethyst where there falling towards him too.

After a short while their yelling stopped, realising they were caught in some sort of perma-fall, the new silence tied with the absence of anything else to see was certainly disconcerting, as they simultaneously got the impression they were falling very fast, and not at all. 

"Well this could be worse," Steven pointed out as the gems drifted down beside him, looking somewhat unimpressed.

Amethyst floated beside him, arms crossed. "Dude, what did I say about unplanned skydiving?"

On the other side Garnet lounged back into the air as though this was an everyday occurrence. She adjusted her visor. "You have a plan." 

"Yeah. Well, I think so. I figure if we're in Pearl's memories, then maybe this is a memory too." Steven waved. "I mean I came out again. If everything that fell in here was destroyed I'd already be gone. But I'm not. So if her phone fell down here..."

"It must still be here," Garnet concluded. 

"But where?" Amethyst looked around. There was nothing to see.

"Only one way to find out." Steven lifted up the phone and hit the call button.

After a moment's hesitation, it rang.

The hairs on Steven's neck stood on end, and it wasn't until he heard Amethyst's distant call of 'Steven?' That he realised he was moving away. He held on tighter, clasping the phone between his fingers.

"It's not me." He glanced down at the screen. "I think it's showing the way!" A whip curled around his foot and he kicked to pull the two of them in, and they clung on in a huddle as they went faster and faster.

"Are we flying?" Amethyst tried shifting into a bird, but her form kept slipping, seeming to catch and fall behind outside the small bubble around them. "How? But..." Her eyes widened. "We're going too fast." 

"We're falling," Garnet confirmed.

"Oh no." 

Steven glanced up and immediately spotted what had Amethyst so worried. A bright white light, spidering out from an intense core grew right in the center of their path. There was no time to move out of the way, it approached too quickly. They would be smashed to smithereens. He hugged the phone closer as the brightness built into an inescapable glare.

"Please," he implored, "if you can hear me, we're going to need a softer landing." He pinned his eyes shut, and waited.

The impact never came. Steven felt himself slow, and cracked an eye open as he touched down, Garnet and Amethyst landing behind him. He gasped as he recognised the place. They were back in Korea, bright flowers and green trees and bushes all around, the Pink Palanquin standing in front of them. Mostly. The whole place was lit up with bright white light emanating from three massive cracks that struck up through the scenery, the ground cracking apart, the bright glow washing out the colours, the edges fading into the light wherever they looked. In front of it all, knelt primly on a clear patch of ground sat Pearl, a pink flower cupped between her hands.

"Pearl." Steven drew her attention and she stood, turning to them, carefully brushing out the skirt of her dress.

"You came." She spoke softly, giving them a sad smile. "There's not much time left." She looked up at the cracks.

"You don't happen to have a certain mobile phone do you?" She gave a nod and Steven accepted it back, then joined her, squinting against the glow. "What is that?" 

"Revenge," Pearl murmured quietly, watching a fresh crack begin to open up before them, bright tendrils sneaking out testing the air in bright curling lines, twisting in some strange dance towards them.

Amethyst reached out to touch it, curiosity drawn by the swirling lights it made. With a warning bark Garnet slapped her hand away. Not quickly enough. The bright light snuck around the edge of her hand, wrapping around the little finger and with a white glow the whole thing faded into thin air.

"Amethyst!" Steven cried out, pulling her away. 

"What?" she protested, irked at being dragged around like some child.

"Are you okay?" he fussed. Amethyst looked at him in confusion. "Your hand!" he explained staring in horror where she was now missing a digit.

Amethyst looked down. "Yeah?" She splayed her hands out. "What about it?" She seemed inappropriately unbothered by it all.

"You just lost a finger!" 

"Lost a-?" She chuckled. "Nah, Steven, they've always been like this." A strange white glow appeared behind her eyes for a moment, reflecting the shifting cracks.

"She doesn't remember," Garnet observed quietly.

"No they haven't!" Steven tried to explain, held up his own hands to compare. "You used to have five on each, now look at them! You're missing one."

"Oh hey that's freaky." She wiggled her fingers, seemingly non-plussed by the missing digit.

"She won't remember." Pearl made him jump as she appeared beside them "It never comes back, not from those," Pearl explained, as though that was just the way of the world. "Come on, we should move." She pulled him back as the new crack expanded and stretched towards them once again.

"What are they?"

"Like I said: Revenge," she said simply. The cracks seemed to pulse at the word. "Some of the code left behind, planted here to do its work. It's been eating away at the memories of Pink Diamond ever since the attack." She threw out an arm and stepped the group smartly out the way as a another crack shot across the ground in front of them, glowing brightly. "Everything she did, everything she touched, everything she was," her voice quivered, hand nestled over the diamond on her dress, "all those memories are being consumed piece by piece, torn out of our life forever." She took a moment to brush away the tears.

"I've been fighting it, trying to slow it as much as I can but..." she looked up to where a large streak cut through the middle of the Palanquin, the brightness bleaching out the colour, "I'm losing." She cast her eyes downwards with a tired sigh. 

"Catching the phone was the first lucky break I've had. With you here there's a chance to stop this before it's too late, before we lose everything. But I need your help!"

Steven gave a determined nod. "You've got it. What do we do?"

"There's not much time." She pulled up his hands and gently placed the flower within them. "You have to go. Go out there and make Rose Quartz Rose Quartz alone. She can't know Pink Diamond existed, or it'll keep going. It'll destroy everything, take Everything away. I can't lose that!"

"But Rose was Pink Diamond." Steven argued and Pearl's face screwed up, a pained look in her eyes. A shadow distracted him and he looked up to see the smiling form of Rose Quartz over her shoulder.

"No!" Pearl clung on to Steven, imploring him as the world around them trembled once more. "No she's not! She can't be, not anymore. Not for her."

She took a step back and turned towards the form of Rose, so close to the white cracks down in this world. She reached out and took her hand and laid a kiss on the back, then began to dance with her, swaying this way and that to a gentle tune, gazing up at Rose with nothing but admiration in her eyes their elegant move cumulating in a spin that seemed to last forever. She spun Rose around and around and around in the brightening glow then finally released her sending her pirouetting across the dancefloor.

To safety, Steven realised with horror, as he caught sight of Pearl enveloped in the depths of the light, one last small smile fading away.

"No!"

She must have been so close to the cracks... But it was already too late. 

Pearl caught hold of Rose, her sword in hand, the scenery now that of a battlefield, the cracks faded from sight entirely.

"You again?" she snapped, disdain clear in her voice. "Where did you come from?"

Steven ignored her, watching the flower still clutched in his hands pale and crumble away into dust, slipping from his grasp. He turned to the others with tears in his eyes. 

"She's gone."


	20. Song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gems, determined to help Pearl, start their fightback.

Steven stared in stunned silence, tears beginning to fall. "We were too late."

"Steven, there was nothing more we could do," Garnet reassured him.

"B-but we were meant to stop this, we were meant to bring everything back, put everything right! But she's lost her, forever." All her memories, the part of Pearl that knew Pink Diamond just... "Gone."

Garnet joined him, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Not for us." She wrapped him up. "Maybe one day we can give her memories back again, but for now there's still a lot of healing to be done."

"I don't get it," Steven whispered as they embraced. "She told us to make Rose Quartz Rose quartz."

"If that thing was going after memories of Pink Diamond, then without her knowledge of her, without Pearl knowing Rose was Pink Diamond, it has no reason to attack those memories too."

"'She can't be. Not for her.'" Steven frowned. "She saved her!" he realised. "She saved everything. Even you!" he fired at the watching Pearl, "and now she's gone." The sword turned away.

"Look I'm sorry for your loss," Pearl spoke, waving at the battlefield. "I know what that's like. We lost a lot of good gems here." She turned to Rose, giving her a smile. "But not this one. Never this one." She paused. "If you did save her, then thank you. I am in your debt."

Steven looked at Pearl, stood in front of Rose, sword in hand. "You do it for her," he echoed, and glanced to Garnet and Amethyst."I thought you were acting weird but you've just been protecting Rose. The one and only and ever Rose Quartz!" Steven declared with a forced lightness. "Rebellion leader and terror of the Diamonds, and never anything or anyone else," he laughed, a dry sound, his heart wrenching inside, not even sure if this would work. 

Pearl was still uncertain. "What about everything you were saying earlier?"

"That? Oh that was just a case of mistaken identity," Steven flustered, "you know how it is." 

She watched him and blinked with a small frown, as the memory around them flickered for a moment. "Steven..." She spoke with realisation, as though seeing him for the first time.

"Wait, you know me, you remember!" Steven enthused in delight, almost running to hug her then and there.

She stepped cleanly out the way and looked around. "Something's changed." Her gaze flickered here and there, swords still at the ready. "Rose!" Her voice caught, looking around panicked once more, the memory of Rose out of sight. "Where's Rose? She was just here." The sword flicked up. "What have you done with her?" 

"Nothing, I swear!" Steven held up his hands waiting as she grumbled then moved on, and he took the opportunity to have a quiet chat with the other two as she searched around. "They're all protecting Rose. That's why they were fighting us so much earlier."

"Great! And we saved her! Surely that means we're not a threat anymore right?" Amethyst glanced at Pearl out the corner of her eye, reunited in embrace with Rose Quartz once more. "So why is she still so twitchy?"

"Because, you lumbering idiots, you were followed."

The world rumbled, and Steven looked under his feet nervously at the cracks that ran there. But they didn't grow. In fact they looked thinner than before. Then where...? He peered into the distance, where a dark cloud reached down from the sky to the horizon.

"What? She's still under attack," he realised. "But how?"

"She said the gems had left code behind. Could it be more of that?" Amethyst asked.

"I don't think so." Garnet frowned, almost trying to look through the approaching storm.

"They're still coming for her! They're still coming for Rose!" Pearl fretted. "You lead it straight here!" Pearl aimed her blade at them, standing protectively in front of the quartz once again.

"No, I swear, we didn't mean to! Look, let us help, we can fix this!" Steven tried to convince her but Pearl drew a second sword, flourishing it above the first and forcing them back. He turned to Garnet. "We can fix this, right?"

"We could leave, we have the phone," Garnet pointed out, but Steven pulled up his shield.

"No, we should, we need to help. If they've left something else here, we should fix that too."

"Steven, they're just memories," Garnet told him. "Painful memories, but memories nonetheless."

"So what? We can still try and help. Maybe if we can defeat her attackers here they might not come back. She'll be safe, have the confidence to hold them back next time or at least have enough breathing space to rebuild. It's got to be worth a try right?" he begged. "Please, we might not get another opportunity like this."

"So wait, you want us to fight that thing?" Amethyst queried, pointing at the storm. "That's crazy."

"Her nightmares right?" 

"Damage left behind by the attack," Garnet nodded. "Alright." She summoned her gauntlets. "Let's do this. For Pearl!" 

"For Pearl!" Steven cheered.

"For Pearl!" Amethyst whooped.

Pearls sword dipped into the air between them "for Rose Quartz!" They looked at her. "Oh, did you really think I was going to let you fight this by yourselves?"

"Pearl, no." Garnet pushed her sword down. "You need to stay here with her." She nodded towards Rose. "Hold the fort, seal it off if you can."

"Seal it off?" She stamped pointedly. "How can I seal it off when the very ground trembles..." She paused, noticing the firmness beneath her feet.

"The attackers left behind something that was attacking the foundations of your mind, trying to keep you from healing. We managed to stop it. You'll be safe here now," Garnet explained. "Once we get rid of that."

Pearl looked up in wonder. "So that's why they're so desperate to get down here." A hint of a smile crept onto her face and she let out a chuckle. "Oh, but this changes everything. We can stop it! Drive it back, wipe it out! They'll never be able to take us down again!"

"Woah, first things first," Amethyst readied her whip, watching the approaching cloud. "This is all well and good, and you know me I'm always up for kicking butt, but you all seem to be missing out on the one teensy tiny detail: How exactly do we fight a storm?"

"You just need to drive it back. Let me do the rest." Pearl assured them, taking Rose's hand in hers.

Steven gave her a quick nod. "Understood."

"Good luck." Pearl withdrew, disappearing once more into the shadows of her memory, Rose at her side.

Amethyst gaped after her. "THAT DIDN'T ANSWER MY QUESTION!"

With Pearl out of sight the trio looked at each other, taking stock of the darkening tornado roaring around ahead of them, flashing as light glinted off flying weapons caught in its pull, the gem shards near their feet quivering from the approaching force of it. There was no way they were going to be able to get anywhere near it.

"We need to hold it off," Garnet called above the noise.

"How? It's just air," Amethyst moaned, waving at the swirling muck in front of them. Large chunks of scenery tumbled over across it's face, flying fragments torn from the ground. 

Steven grabbed her arm. "We need Smokey." In a nod of understanding they fused, drawing out their yo-yos and whipping up a gale of their own to counter the attack. It was working, to a degree, taking the edge off the storm and forcing it to lose grip on some of the larger items it had picked up. Still the swirling wall crept onwards until it reached them, stinging them with hundreds of shards and they unfused into Steven's bubble for safety, getting tumbled over one another as the winds picked it up the pink ball and threw it back, pinning them in place against a rocky outcrop.

"What do we do now?" Amethyst looked out into the mucky darkness. Something large thundered past them and they realised they could hear the sounds of fighting, the cries of battle once more, frantic and rising all around them.

"Wait, Garnet!" Steven looked frantic. "Where's Garnet?" 

"I don't know, I wasn't paying attention." Amethyst let out a yelp as a large figure charged past, making the bubble jump. "Too busy not getting torn to shreds by a murder-cloud."

Outside sharp shards bounced off the shield like rain, and he spun around peering out. "She was here, she was right-"

A light bore down on them, growing bright through the clouds and Steven threw himself on top of Amethyst, abandoning the bubble and holding his shield tight over the two of them as the burning luminescence tore through the storm, the ground shaking to the eye rattling echoes of hundred of gems dissipating all around.

The light faded and silence fell, and with it a darkness, the echo of the blazing light before... Steven rolled over, and propped himself up against the rocks, still shaking.

"Was that-?" Amethyst began asking, but then a voice rang out in the distance.

"Steven! Amethyst!"

"Garnet!" Steven jumped up, his adrenaline in overdrive and waved "Over here." She ran over and swept them both up in a quick hug that left them gasping.

"I'm sorry, I left you. I saw this memory could fight it off and I," her voice faltered, the light turned from her visor and for a moment he could see her eyes beneath, wet with tears.

"Saved our skins?" Amethyst pointed out. "Dude that thing was about to have shredded gem for breakfast."

"You brought the memory to life," Steven realised. 

"I swore I would never let something like this happen again, I swore I would move on. Yet here we are." She looked down at Steven. "The things we do..."

"We've healed so many, brought them back to a better life," he pointed out. "They're better now." He pulled her into a hug. "We fixed it."

"So that was corruption?" Amethyst asked quietly.

A memory of a memory pulled at Steven.  
_'We had won, they were all leaving...'_

He looked around as Amethyst was asking Garnet questions about the corruption with utmost sincerity, listening carefully as they made their way across the now empty plain, at last getting some answers. His attention turned the other way, to a dark swathe that ran along a furrow in the ground, the innermost trail of the storm. It remained, a crude scar on the mindscape the soil tinted brown beneath, defying the red glow of the rest of the field. Steven went over, standing on the edge as the others joined him. 

"Steven, you okay?"

He studied the strange streak with a frown. "We should keep going."

"How are we going to get back?" Amethyst asked.

He looked at her then stepped forward.

He blinked, the scenery around him changed, a harsh breeze already picking at him as the others followed.

They were back on the beach. Up ahead, behind the Temple loomed the dark cloud once again, and the world shook around them, a tense quiver that rumbled at the edge of hearing.

"Ding, ding, ding. Round two," Amethyst said flatly.

"What happens when we run out of places to push it to?" Steven wondered. The storm gathered and dipped, threatening to come straight over the lighthouse and down on the temple itself.

Garnet tugged at his sleeve pulling him towards the shelter, and safety. "In there." The funnel descended as they ran towards the cavern of the Temple mouth and dove inside, scattering around the floor with the following burst of wind as the storm made ground fall once again, pressed up against the mouth of the cave for a few noisy tense moments then moved on.

"It didn't see us," Steven breathed.

"Well duh. How can a storm 'see' us?" Amethyst waved. 

"It's been following us. It's got to know we're here somehow. I just felt as though it was... Watching me." Steven shuddered. This place was getting to him, and he felt another pang of sorrow for Pearl. Pearl!

"We need to find Pearl," Garnet declared echoing his thoughts, then disappeared into the temple with a flash.

"I'll take a look outside," Amethyst offered, turning into a bird. "She's probably retreated to one of her old hiding spots again. She did that a lot, mostly to get away from me, or Greg, or me and Greg." 

"Be careful," Steven warned, "it's dangerous out there."

"Ha! That thing?" S she scoffed, "That's nothing. Did I tell you about that time I chased a flying corruption through a thunderstorm?" Amethyst chuckled. "Hoo boy, those things can really make your gem tingle."

"Amethyst!" Steven groaned in exasperation.

She looped around and hovered in front of him. "Hey, hey it's okay, I'm not gonna let it get anywhere near me." She flapped a bit as she slipped to the side in the air, before regaining her balance, frowning at her wings.

Steven's head snapped up. "Wait, do you hear that?" The whirr of the storm picked up and dropped away as it shifted, somewhere out on the beach, just out of sight, the long grasses that surrounded the mouth of the caves rustling in the wind.

"Yeah, it's moving away," Amethyst pointed out. "Doesn't want to face the A-man!" she boasted, flexing her arms mid-air. Steven didn't notice, his attention elsewhere. "Hey Ste-"

He shushed her. She watched as he held still, waiting. 

"What you listening-"

"SSSHH!"

Amethyst looked outside incredulously. "That thing? Oh come on, it's just a storm! How do you expect it to hear-"

Steven waved her quiet, listening intently, trying to pick out the sound he thought he had heard over the moan of the wind. He ventured towards the entrance of the cave where a pile of large stones tumbled all over the floor and crouched and waited. 

There. The quietest of muffled sobs, hidden deep within the rocks. He started pulling the smaller rocks away, coming up against a large slab that leant solidly over the others and gave it a pull. It shifted and he found himself clinging on tightly as it threatened to drop down into the gap below.

"Amethyst, a little help here?" he strained through grit teeth. She quickly joined him and together they pulled the cover away, rolling it to one side. Curled up in the space behind was Pearl.

She looked terrible, covered in cuts and bruises as she shook head to toe with stifled sobs. Stevens heart flickered as he remembered the whistling peppering of shards stinging his skin and their last glimpses of her, standing up to the descending storm. She must have taken the brunt of it. "Oh Pearl." He reached out a hand to comfort her as she shuddered and sobbed. "It's okay, we're here. Here," he licked his hand and quickly placed it at the back of her neck, watching the injuries fade away. Still she shook.

"Pearl, we can help. We can fight back! If we just manage to push it back you'll be safe here again, but we need some way to do that. We need a way to fight this thing," Steven asked, but she just sobbed and curled up even further. "You know these memories better than any of us, there's got to be something we can use, something we can do." 

Garnet reappeared. "You found her." Her attention turned to the entrance as the sound of the storm intensified.

"Pearl? Come on, we can do this," Steven encouraged, but it was no use. He yelped as a gust of sand swept past him, stinging his face, and he shivered as the wind picked up, the cave darkening around them. It was coming back.

"There's no time," said Garnet.

"We could try Smokey again," Amethyst offered, but unease was written all over her face. It wouldn't work and she knew it.

"We need to push back this storm, send it back to the surface." The wind seemed to pick up at Garnet's words, a sudden thick gust physically forcing them back further into the cave. 

"Pearl!" Steven called, his words whipped away in the wind. He lunged forward, shield up in an attempt to make it to her, but was forced back yet again with a cry of frustration, Pearl's hiding place out of reach as a barrage of fragments thundered around the entranceway. He could only hope the small shelter it provided was enough to keep her safe. "Think Steven, THINK! What can be use in these memories to fight it off?" He tried to reach Pearl again, this time crawling forward under his shield, getting partway there before getting stuck under the weight of the swirling wind. "It's not enough, we need something else!"

"Whaat?" Amethyst's voice could barely be heard above the sound of the din outside. "I can't hear you!"

"I said..." Steven braced as three large stones bounced off his shield with clear resonant clangs that quivered out disrupting the air around it. He gasped. "Music. MUSIC!" He could just about see Pearl from where he was, curled up in the corner. "Pearl, PEARL!" he shouted. "My dad's music video. Do you have the kit for the music video?"

Pearl mumbled and kept crying, arms clutched around her head. He couldn't hear her. He didn't even know if she had heard him. It was no use. 

"Music, speakers! Now!" Steven shouted at the others, letting himself getting buffeted back to safety. Perhaps if they could just imagine the items, they could have them, he was sure of it!

"Oh yeah, they'll be in my room." Amethyst disappeared into the temple. 

Or that would work. They quickly hauled them out, setting the lot up. The sand stirred up outside. Loud cracks came from the entranceway as larger fragments collided with the walls outside. For a moment Steven wished he'd pulled Pearl further in to safety, then his ears popped as the storm settled right on top of them.

Dum. 

Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum dum.

The rhythm was kept up, Amethyst keeping pace even as she helped Garnet assemble the rest of the drum kit into position, the deep beat of the bass echoing all around, disrupting the flow of the storm. Steven rushed to help them, plugging in the amplifiers, turning the volume to the max.

The sound intensified, Amethyst giving her all to pound out a punchy beat that made Steven want to dance. 

Garnet joined in, the electronic notes of the keytar making Steven's hair stand on end, that first pulse from the speakers somehow clearing the air a little. It was working! He looked at the microphone in his hands, took a deep breath... and choked, dust and sand caught his throat.

He coughed and coughed, and kept coughing, bent over frantically trying to clear his airways. He could hardly breathe and as the wind intensified it was becoming more and more difficult, the weight of the air being forced back into his lungs. He turned away, eyes watering, and retreated into a bubble once again, the wind pushing him to the back of the cavern.

A loud clink echoed around the small space as he stopped, his bubble propped up either side by Garnet. Balancing him carefully she waved a hand, the temple door sliding open, and he could see her saying something inaudible over the storm. Retreat? She was waving at the door more insistently as the storm pushed in again. They were barely keeping it at bay. They needed something else. 

A flash of colour caught his eye. With a defiant shake of the head he dropped his bubble and lunged forward, sweeping up the spare guitar in one smooth move and began to play. 

The first wave of sound flooded the cave and pushed the storm back, and he quickly strummed up a tune, the others rejoining him with added vigour. Piece by piece it seemed to be working, the music growing and drowning out the storm, the reaching fragments and cloud shrinking back once more to the entrance. 

"Yeah!" Steven cried, pumping the air. 

The storm swept back in, taking advantage of the briefest gap in his playing to pepper them with sand. He let out a yelp and struck up again, pushing it back once more. "We need more!" He upped the tempo, strumming the strings harder than ever, hoping that the music could finally break the spell of this marauding storm. Sweat beaded at his forehead as the expanding bubble their music formed seemed to slow, and then stop. How long had they been doing this? The storm thickened and slowly began to push back.

"It's not working!" Amethyst cried out, channeling her frustration into the kit before her.

The storm swirled and riled outside, forcing its way inwards but Steven had his gaze set lower.

"Pearl! Pearl we need you too!" he shouted. "We can hold it back, we can help fight it off but we need you to help us. Please! We need more music. We need you to sing!" Her head appeared, just visible over the rocks, glancing between the all too close storm and the microphone lying already half buried in drifting sand. "Come on, you can do this Pearl!"

After a moments hesitation, she clambered over and onto the floor clinging on as the storm shifted and grew, the wind changing, pulling air out of the cave with a great inhale, dragging the microphone across the floor away from them and threatening to take Pearl too. 

She hunkered down, waiting for the worst to pass but his heart leapt. The microphone. It was so much closer now.

"Yes!" Steven almost jumped in delight as he saw her fix on the microphone, the same thought going through her mind. "Come on Pearl. You can do it!" There were more cracks around them as fragments of stone began to give way. "It's now or never!" She looked at him, then back at the microphone sat there, waiting, and finally, with great effort, climbed to her feet.

She battled against the storm as it tried to pull her back, using their rhythm to help push each step forward, teeth grit against the flecks of sand and dirt thrown up from the entrance. She was nearly there. 

"C'mon, just a few more steps!" Steven called out to her. "Come on Pearl, you do it for Rose!" Her head whipped around to him, a small smile on her face. His stomach lurched with the familiarity, and he caught the strings a little too hard, sending out a discordant wail echoing out the cave, the storm retreating a little more. Yes!

Then with a roar that punched the air out his lungs it surged back without warning, sending a barrage of shards into the cave, forcing them all to duck and hide behind Steven's shield until they passed.

Steven scanned the cave. Pearl was nowhere to be seen. She must have caught the brunt of it.

"Pearl!" Steven smashed against the strings, the discordant noise pushing back the onslaught once again. There she was lying flattened to the floor in the middle of the cave, hands over her head. For a moment Steven feared she might poof, that she caught some large rock or fragment in the onslaught and would be forced to retreat to her gem to recover, but slowly she began to move, unsteadily picking herself up, eyes trying to focus on the microphone that still tauntingly lay out of reach before her. She tried to get up but stumbled as her gem glowed, dropping to her knees a hand trying to cover the unwelcome projection that threw a blue glow around her.

Voices echoed out, memories of memories distorted around them.

"I can sing!" Pearl's own indignant tones were quickly surrounded by snorting laughter, even as Pearl scrabbled to try and block it out.

'They're memories," Garnet realised as it played over and over again on a mocking overlapping loop that hounded Pearl.

"No no no no no, Pearl don't listen to that, that's not true!" Amethyst yelled out.

"Yeah Pearl, you sing really well!" Steven added. "That's why we need you! Come on, you can do this!"

"You can do this Pearl!" Garnet added.

Their words got through, an uncertain look and closed eyes as she gathered herself to ignore the glaring memory. Scanning around for the shifted mike she pushed herself to her feet and set off once again, stalking across the floor to where it lay determination fueling every step.

She was nearly there.

"That's it Pearl, you can do this, I believe in you!" Steven called out.

Pearl flinched, ducking down behind her arms, the new whistling attack hidden from Steven's view until it hit and sent her bowling back over. She landed spread eagled on the floor again, the change in pressure punching the air out of them as it hit the back of the cave and made his ears whine. But all he could see was Pearl laid out unmoving on the floor.

Steven cried out, calling to her in panic until she groaned and stirred, her first few efforts trying to sit up unsuccessful, her gem flickering and glowing as another unwilling projection spluttered into life before them.

"Oh no." Steven heard Garnet and watched as the glowing forms in front of them moved, taking center stage. His eyes widened as he realised who he was looking at.

"Mom. Dad."

They met atop the warp pad, linking hands. Somehow the sound outside fell quiet, muted into the faint background as the memory played out.

"It's all happening so quickly." Greg rested his hands on Rose's belly, either side of her gem. "Do the others know?"

"I'll tell them tonight, once the concert's over." 

"Are you sure about this? You'll really give up your form for our son?"

"Yes. Greg, I want this more than anything." Behind them the others continued to play.

"You're sad."

"Well yeah." The figure of Greg turned to Rose. "It means I'm gonna lose you."

"Don't be sad. We're going to create something so much better. A new life."

"I guess. I just always imagined living it with you."

"Pearl!" Steven kept trying to shout across the cave, get her attention, get her to move, but she was caught, staring at her own memory projection. "Pearl, come on, you've got to get up!"

She lay there, tears running down her face.

"You will," Rose spoke. "I'll be right there with you." Her hands laid over his, and she smiled.

"We're really doing this huh?"

Rose chuckled, then flickered, the swirling cloud pushing into the cave and disrupting her holoform. They were pressed up against the back wall now, nowhere else to run bar the temple. 

Rose smiled. "Yes."

"Pearl! Pearl, please, listen to me!" Steven begged. "It hurts, I know it hurts, but we need your help. We can't push it back without you. We need you to sing Pearl, sing like your world depends on it!" Steven cried. She looked around, blinking the tears out of her eyes. "You can do this Pearl!" He gave the others a nudge and they changed the tempo up again, shouting out cheers and encouragement for her as she slowly managed to climb to her feet once more.

"Come on, you can do this!"

"It's right there, you just need to grab it!"

"Come on Pearl, one more step, you've got this!"

She turned, barely taking a couple of steps before stumbling to her knees to brace against the wind, creeping onwards in a half crawl instead. But it was working. The gap closed to two meters, then one... She reached out, fingertips stretching for the mike as the howling wind clasped at her sides, still trying to pull her back. A crescendo of sound pumped out from the speakers and she lurched forward, free enough in the reprieve to snatch the mike and sweep to her feet, turning triumphantly to face the storm head on.

"PEARL!" It glinted in the light, shimmering like a sheet of ice as it flew in, the sharp point driving down towards Pearl. He could only watch as the fragment struck her square on, once again flinging her through the air to the back of the cave, where she landed slumped still amidst the amplifiers. "No, Pearl!"

She shook, trying to push herself up, then slumped back with a cry, gritting her teeth as her gem glowed again. Steven held his breath, scanning around watching, waiting for the projection, trying to prepare himself for whatever memory, whatever nightmare had hold of her this time.

It never came.

"Wahh!" 

Steven's heart froze. That sound was unmistakeable.

The cry of a baby.

It cried again, louder and more insistent, filling the cave again and again, the lungful cries of a newborn demanding attention it would never get.

"Pearl!" The alarm in Garnet's voice shocked Steven out of his stunned state, and he turned in time to see Pearl as her form began flicker, shift, and then glitch.


	21. At Both Ends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gems fight against Pearl's memories in an attempt to save her.

"Pearl," Garnet cried, "you need to hold on!" 

Pearl's form was shifting and flickering, trying to jump between new, old and nothing, threatening to fall apart, caught in a struggle to hold itself as the cries continued.

"This isn't you, this isn't your reality!" Garnet continued. "Rose lives on in your memories. We're not going to let them take that away from you. You were never going to let them take that from you. Don't give up on yourself now!" Pearl shifted and sobbed, her body tensing as it flickered again as another baby wail filled the cave. 

She curled up, arms clasped over her head in an effort to stifle the projection, but somehow the storm had soaked the sounds up, echoing and amplifying them back into the cave in increasingly loud cries, overpowering their musical efforts and assaulting their senses. 

Steven clutched at his ears. "Ahh, make it stop!" Pearl curled up even tighter, as her body threatened to tear apart, change into another self.

"Pearl, I know it hurts," Garnet called out, her calm voice cutting through the air, "but that's love! It only hurts this badly because you love her so much! And it's the same love that has been protecting her. It's the same love that kept you fighting so fiercely for so long, even when they're trying to take it all away." 

"But that's you! You're a fighter Pearl, you always were. And now you need to keep fighting! Fight for what you believe in! Don't let your grief take that away!"

"Rose..." Pearl murmured, her form settling for a moment.

Almost sensing the word the storm intensified once again, pressing into the cubby and sending resounding cracks through the stonework as it broke against the outside, making the whole place quiver and shake, streams of dust trickling swirling down from the from the ceiling. It didn't let up, thundering around them and a large chunk of rock crumbled and fell away near the entrance.

"Steven, Amethyst, we need to get inside, now!" Garnet ordered. "It's going to tear this place apart!"

"No." Pearl's voice cut through every corner of the cave and beyond as she slowly stood tears still running down her face. "I'm not going to let you take her! I'm not losing her again!" She turned and, swinging all her weight behind it, punched into the speakers, gritting her teeth against the sparking electronics as she grabbed and twisted the wiring inside, forcing the system to emit an ear shattering shriek. It blew back the storm for a moment and Pearl kept working, re-wiring cables left right and centre to draw out an electronic howl that cut through the storm as it roared in its fury.

Steven took his cue and mashed the strings of the guitar again, letting out a cacophony of noise that echoed around the cave and into the world outside. Amethyst and Garnet joined him, the three of them abandoning any musicality and just doing whatever they could to just be loud, building up into a frenzied discordant crescendo that blocked out any sense of anything else, until they were lost in the shrieking of it all.

The sound disappeared into a wail, Pearl holding up the plug and waiting for a free-styling Amethyst finally to realise and trail to a close.

"It's gone." Pearl couldn't seem to believe it but the cave was clear again, the faint wash of the ocean waves soothing in the background once more. "It's gone."

She dropped the cables, letting them fall to the floor with a dull clank and walked away, occasionally steadying herself against the wall as she made her way to the entrance, leaving a stunned silence behind.

"Hey Steven," Amethyst came to his side, and he realised he was still clinging onto the guitar. "You okay man?"

"Yeah I..." He watched Pearl's back. "I knew she missed mum, and that I-" he choked up, and hurriedly wiped away his tears.

"Hey, it's not your fault," Amethyst insisted. "Don't ever blame yourself, you hear me?"

"I know. I guess I didn't expect to see it," he finished wiping off his eyes and took a few deep breaths.

Amethyst gave him a nudge on the arm. "Come on," she said, "we've still got work to do. We're nearly there."

Pearl was standing tall in the light of the entrance way as she surveyed the beach beyond, fists ready by her side.

They joined her.

"Hey, you did it!" Steven mustered up some encouragement. "You pushed them back!"

Her gaze swung slowly over the beach. "It's so quiet." She stood watching it a while.

Steven realised she was crying, tears dripping off her chin and spattering against the sand. "Hey, hey, it's okay, Rose is safe now," Steven tried to comfort her. "It'll be easier to protect her, keep that away now."

"Yes, well..." Pearl turned away with a sniffle, brushing away the tears that sprung up at the corner of her eyes.

"You know this is your memories right?"

Pearl inclined her head, almost imperceptibly, then again, with more certainty. "Yes." She studied her hands, turning them over. "You already said. I told you it feels different this time." 

"You remember. That's good. Everything's rebuilding already. Hopefully that means you won't have to fight that off again," Steven gestured at the sky, "at least not anytime soon."

"Well, if it does come back down here, I'll be ready for it," Pearl announced. "I've already lost Rose once. I'm never going to let that happen again."

"You did well," Garnet said. Amethyst popped up beside them with a cough. "You too."

"We did it, great, yay. Good." Amethyst waved the comment away. "Now do we get out of here?" 

"You should use the phone." As a team their attention turned to Pearl. "Leave."

"Oh! Oh no, no, she didn't mean Leave leave," Steven clarified. "We just want to go back to the surface Pearl, try and do what we can to help up there too." 

Pearl pulled a face. "I know." She sighed, brushing her hand through her hair. "Look, I appreciate what you did, but everything is healing, much quicker than before. Rose is safe. There's no need for you to go up there, you can just leave. You should just leave."

"Pearl no. We said we would help fight this nightmare off, and we meant it," Steven insisted.

She shifted and fidgeted. "All the way?"

"All the way."

"It's still very unstable up there. You could easily get hurt." 

"We know." Steven stepped forward and rested his hand on her arm. "We're still going to do this, so don't try to talk us out of it!" She looked behind him, to see Garnet and Amethyst nodding in agreement.

She sighed. "Alright, but you won't be able to go out the way you came."

"Honestly? I'm not even sure how we got down here," Steven said. "Wait! Can you use your gem now?"

"No, but there is still another simpler option that should work." The three of them looked between each other in confusion, and Pearl stepped aside revealing the warp pad with a flourish.

They piled on as Pearl watched, the pad flaring and sending them into the warp stream.

"Oh wow, this is weird." Amethyst waved her hand through the light, even doing a somersault. "I know this is just her memories, but it's pretty realistic. Hey Steven!" She swam up through the stream. "Bet you can't catch me!"

"Not now Amethyst." 

She descended back down with a quiet 'aww'. They flew even further through the warp, and Steven frowned.

"This is taking too long," Garnet stated

"So take us out already. No need to drag it on any longer than we need to," Amethyst complained.

"I'm not flying," Garnet said. They looked at Steven.

"It wasn't me either." His eyes widened. "Oh no. Pearl!" 

"You don't think she's sending us out do you?"

"No, nononononono noo!" He looked around, seeing the approaching oval of white light and frantically attempted to backpedal before they were thrown through. They couldn't leave! Not now! 

The light faded to reveal the beach house, depositing them neatly on the warp pad.

"Are we back?" Amethyst looked around, trying to work out if they were back home.

"Pearl?" Steven called venturing outwards, peering through the darkness of the house. His eyes flickered, and he looked up at the mismatched fragments, an eye-jarring amalgamation of the new and old house. "Oh! It's still Pearl," Steven called with relief. "We're still in her gem."

"No kidding," Amethyst complained with a huff tossing the broken fridge handle to one side, unable to hide her disappointment at the lack of even imaginary food.

She strode towards the door, but stopped, realising Steven hadn't moved. "What's up?"

"I don't understand." Steven looked around, searching. "Does this look unstable to you?" He ran his hands over the counter top and gave it a push. It didn't move. "Does this look dangerous to you?"

They took a moment to look for themselves, and could see what he meant.

"The beach house, the temple is home, familiar ground, easier to piece together," Garnet pointed out. "Perhaps it is the source of the instability that is here: memories."

"The attack," Steven whispered, looking outside. Beyond them the shutters began to rattle, picking against the windows, and soon the sandstorm was scraping against the front of the house. Step by step he felt himself drawn towards it, somehow safe behind this thin glass screen. He peered outside, into the swirling haze beyond and gasped. For a moment a dark shadowy figure came visible amidst the storm, then it was gone, lost in the next swirl of the wind. He stumbled back, heart pounding.

"Steven?"

"There's someone out there." 

The chime from the warp pad gave little warning as it flared, and Pearl appeared, weapon at her side. With a silent gasp Steven held up hands, keeping the other gems quiet. Pearl paused, tilting her head one way then the other. They stayed still, watching and waiting to see where she went, waiting with bated breath to find out if she had noticed them. She took a few paces towards the door, then stopped and spoke, anger and bitterness plain in her voice.

"You again?"

Steven waved for the others to stay quiet. After a while she moved on, heading towards the door and passing into the storm beyond.

The door clicked shut.

"What was that?" Amethyst asked. "Why aren't we helping her?"

Steven stared out after her, his imagination filling the swirling shapes with a thousand fights. "I don't know there's something bothering me about this." He waved at the beach house. "I can't put my finger on it." He looked up the stairs to his room, hidden behind the closed door. A yell, a determined battle cry filtered through from outside, snapping his head back to the window. Steven realised. "It's getting weaker." He rested his hand against the glass. Where it had torn chunks out the ground, now it was barely pulling at the wooden frame of the beach house. But this is where it was meant to be strongest. The house...?

"Good. That means we can smash it the old fashioned way." Garnet summoned her gauntlets together and cracked her knuckles.

"Garnet," Steven warned, "we might see who attacked her." 

"Wait," Amethyst said, "I thought she said she hadn't seen them?" 

"She might not even know she did." Steven frowned.

"Good. I've been waiting to get my hands on the gems that did this for weeks," Garnet grunted.

"But wait, the house," Steven protested, "something's not right here!" Another yell came from outside.

"We can figure it out later, come on!" Garnet ran past him. Summoning their weapons they followed her and rushed out into the storm.

"Hey! Get away from her!" Steven shouted into the wind, immediately forced to shelter from a retaliatory flurry behind his shield. "Pearl!" he bellowed, "Pearl, where are you?" A yell snatched through in front of him and he pressed forward, Garnet and Amethyst at his back, taking out some of the larger fragments wherever they could.

"No!" One word, full of anguish, desperation shot through the chaos, followed by a cry of pain.

Pearl.

He was already running over, and threw his shield towards the shadowy figures in the distance, and beside him Garnet's gauntlets followed suit , then Amethyst spun round, cracking her whip in a wide arc through the air that helped push back the thick clouds of the storm from the battered form of Pearl laying in the sand. 

"Pearl, Pearl can you hear me? We're here." 

"Steven!" Garnet's warning drew his attention back up to where the storm was closing in around them once more. With a grunt she fired her gauntlets up into the air. "Your shield!" 

He drew it out. "Make it big," Garnet instructed, wincing as a flying toolbox bounced off her shoulder, "as big as you can!" He groaned, holding it up and letting it expand to cover them all, clinging on to try and hold it in place as the wind threatened to pull it from his grasp. Garnet joined him, holding it tight as Amethyst skipped around them, still trying to ward off the fragments as they tried to slip in underneath to strike. Something glinted in the air above them. "Amethyst, now!" She joined them, shifting into her wrestler form to prop up the shield.

The gauntlets crashed down, making contact with an enormous CLANG! the force of the impact vibrating through the shield into their arms and out into the air around them, the sound blasting into the storm and blowing it clean away. 

They stayed, holding the shield up as dust, broken items, and sand fell around them in an easing rainfall, skittering off the surface into silence.

Amethyst hopped back, brushing off her hands. "Well, I guess that's that."

"No." 

Steven started at the groan of pain before them, having almost forgotten about the Pearl they'd been protecting. He went to help her but she ignored him, grasping around for her spear and using it to push herself up to her knees, until she was left there, panting from the effort. 

"It's still here," she explained. "It's always still there, no matter how many times I try... No matter how much I try to keep it away, try to keep it all together it always returns." Her hand traced over her face, and the cracks that ran across it. "It always tries to tear it all apart again. It won't stop until I've lost everything."

"Not this time," Garnet declared. "We've pushed them back this far, we should press the advantage whilst we still have it." Garnet brought up her gauntlets, hitting them together with a solid clunk. "Show those terrors just how strong we are!"

"I wasn't there to fight them off when you needed us." Amethyst snapped her whip. "But I sure as can now!" 

"Wait," Pearl frowned in disbelief, "You'll fight with me?"

"Yeah!" Amethyst cried, "Crystal Gems forever!"

"We're right there with you." Steven placed a hand on her shoulder. She was shaking. He gave her a squeeze. "You can do this, remember: you're strong, strong in the real way." A smile grew on her at Steven's kind words, though tinged with worry, and she let herself be pulled to her feet. "And you know what? We're even stronger together."

"They'll be back there." Pearl nodded towards the volleyball courts, already shrouded from view by the storm. "If we can defeat them there they might not come back. But we need to be careful; that's where they're strongest. I was never able to get close enough on my own. But together..." She hefted her spear and set off, making a beeline towards the storm.

They were already shrouded in dust and their progress slowed upon entering the cloud but Pearl barely seemed to notice, striding out ahead of them and quickly disappeared.

"Wait, where'd she go?" Steven searched around frantically. "Pearl? Pearl! Slow down! We need to stay together!"

The whistling noise barely gave them enough time to split as a stream of small shining whispering fragments flew in from the side and struck them with sharp flashes. Steven yelped and stumbled, suddenly dizzy as his eyes flickered, the ground jumping as he saw flashing snippets of other places he knew. It felt like he was falling, until his knees collided with the beach once more.

"Steven, Steven!" Garnet was calling his name and he realised he was on all fours. He could hear fighting, and tried to get to his feet only for Garnet to stop him with a grunt. "Shield." As soon as it was up she switched them round, and Steven soon realised she'd been protecting him, flung items pinging off the shield with alarming regularity. 

"We need to get to Pearl," she said once she'd had a moment to recover. They could hear fighting in the distance.

"But what about Amethyst?"

Garnet looked around. "Amethyst!" 

"Wah! Oh don't you dare!" They could hear her, shouting and cursing interspersed with the snap of her whip. 

"Amethyst, over here!" Steven called. He thought he heard her call his name, then the whirring of her spin dash getting closer and closer, but he couldn't see her. He flinched and hunkered down bracing for impact then she flew past in a rolling purple blur barely missing them and skidding to a halt.

"There you are I-" Amethyst let out a yelp and threw herself to the floor as a trio of silver flashes zoomed over her head. "I found the throwing knives!"

He tried to scramble towards her. "We need to find Pearl!" At his words the storm seemed to draw in, throwing them even further into murky darkness, barely able to see each other.

Amethyst let out a yell of frustration, swiping her whip around once again. "We can't see anything like this! Do something!" She yelped as three shadowy fragments crashed into her, knocking her away to the floor with a cry. 

"Amethyst!" Steven's head whipped around to see the same happen to Garnet, all the while trying to protect herself from the onslaught.

More whistling. Steven had just enough time to encase himself in a bubble, the fragments pinging off the outside, threatening to push him away, but he held tight, holding his footing and bracing against the storm. But he was alone in there.

"No!" Amethyst cried, "I didn't mean it!" To the side he could just about see her, tears were falling from her face, left hunched over on the ground unable to pick herself up as the fragments swirled around her. 

But she saw something different.

"Garnet!" 

On the other side Garnet was on her knees too, but still trying to ward off the flying objects, batting them away a grimace on her face.

"They're using her memories against us!" Garnet cried out as another set of fragments flew in, knocking her down to the floor.

"No, No! Stop it!" he cried, desperately throwing his shield to ward off another stream of memories from ploughing into Amethyst. But he'd had to drop his own protection, and as soon as he did the cold sting of memories struck his back.

The world changed. He was somewhere else, stood in a field of strawberries and weapons, clutching a familiar sheathed sword in his arms, grief and betrayal on his heels.

"Pearl!" There. He heard his voice, calling to him from across the battlefield, and the slightest glance revealed himself atop lion, coming for him. 

Her?

He didn't want this. Not now. "Leave me alone!" His words, Pearls words emerged from him with a gasp and he ran, running as she did.

"Wait for me!" his younger self called.

A pink flash beside her and they appeared, looming over him, calling out to him, _her, her memories_ , lion looming over them, his teeth awfully big this close to her head.

"Get that thing away from me!"

He could feel himself call out, and not call out, caught in her memory. It shifted, the twilight of the battlefield turning to the burning red of Garnet's room.

"Steven, get away from that thing!" He was staring down on himself, side by side with the centipeetle he had once tamed. 

Nephrite.

"Wait, it's not-" his younger self protested, but he was already hoisting up his (her?) spear.

"This was a terrible idea! And he's even managed to pop a bubble and let out that awful thing!"

"I didn't mean to!" He hadn't meant to scare Pearl like that either, he just wanted to help. These were just memories! Yet he couldn't escape them, tears beading at his eyes.

It shifted again. 

"Steven, you just don't know what you're talking about!"

Warp pads. They were arguing, his younger self clinging to an apparent delusion.

"It sounds like maybe **You** don't know what you're talking about!" 

Everything welled up inside. Fury, anger, outrage.

Hurt. 

"I'm sorry," Steven cried out, falling to his knees. "I didn't mean to." He could feel the sand beneath his fingers once again. "Ah!" His eyes snapped open. The storm was worse than ever, and the others struggled too, crying out against unseen memories, even Garnet left shaking on the floor against the onslaught, buried by the weight of guilt. 

There was a cry out in the storm, the final cry of a defeated gem. 

Pearl.

"No!" Steven pushed himself to his feet, deflecting another shot of memories that spiraled towards them. "Enough!" 

The thoughts ran hot through his mind. How dare they? How dare they use her memories against them! How dare they hurt his friends like this! This was going to end, Now!

He could see shadowy forms in the distance. "Show yourself!" he ordered. His bellow cut through the cloud, disturbing it but not dissipating it. Not good enough. Pink enveloped him and grew.

"Show. Your-SELF!" 

With a pulse the bubble expanded, passing over the all of them and sweeping all the shards, the dust, the debris around them away, shunting it clear out of range and blowing the remnants of the storm into nothing, leaving Steven panting. He took stock as the dust settled, revealing the view before them. On the far edge of the clearing he'd blown in the sand a new figure was left behind, stood over the fallen Pearl.

He blinked as it came clear. It wasn't the expected quartz, or their mystery companion, or even some other old forgotten enemy who had returned to reek havoc. It wasn't even a stranger. Steven couldn't help but gasp as he recognised her, and that familiar jacket.

It was Pearl.


	22. The Full Extent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They finally come to face with the full extent of the damage.

"What?" Steven gasped in disbelief, looking around for the other gems, her attackers, but she was the only one in sight. 

She stood there, half floating, the tips of a pointed foot linking her to the ground below, their Pearl in her familiar jeans and shoulder jacket. But she was broken, lines formed cracked all over into fragments like some hollow porcelain doll, the barest hints of writing traced along the edges. Here and there dusty swathes were missing, patches of emptiness still crumbling further from her as occasional fragments broke away and drifted into the air. She stood there staring into the distance, expressionless, unblinking. A slight twitch of the head brought more fragments drifting down from the sky and added to her, trying to rebuild the swirling damage. Beneath her the fade of her colour muted to blues began to spread outwards from where she touched the ground.

"No!"

The Pearl looked down silently on her younger form as she picked herself up, spear in hand.

"I won't let you win. I won't let you destroy this!" She swung her spear, the tip catching the edge of the apparition's arm, sending another trail of dust and fragments into the air. They hung there for a moment, a frozen smear on the canvas of the sky, then guided by a slight tilt of the head they whipped around and down, striking back in retaliation into the blind Pearl who cried out and lashed out with her spear once more. Back and forth, blow by blow they exchanged hits in quick succession, sparing no words or sympathies as each landed shot after shot, with little care for themselves or their opponent. A wind whipped up as they fought, swirling around the battling Pearls.

"No, no, this isn't right! Pearl, Pearl stop! It's you, you're fighting you!" Steven cried out, but they paid not heed to anything but their fight, Pearl against Pearl, Green Vs Blue, Blind vs Broken.

Pearl kept going, the spear in her hand slicing through, again and again, each time kicking out more fragments, and each time the fragments would themselves whip round and strike back, shooting into her in arrowhead streams, peppering her skin with cuts and forcing her back with a cry. 

"I won't let you do this!" she declared, her colours distorted in the shadow of her opponent. "I won't let you taint the memory of her! Never!" She launched back in, ploughing through the memories with a cry to keep swinging, a low sweep through the legs sending them crumbling away, the broken Pearl glancing down and toppling to the floor in surprise. Pearl seized the opportunity and leapt. 

"No!" Steven cried out, but she paid no heed raising the spear high above her head in both hands as she flew and brought it down with a snarl, right into the centre of her target and the sand beyond.

For a second the scene seemed to freeze, the fragments stilled mid air, then Pearl broke apart with a loud poof, scattering a final cloud of dust and leaving nothing behind, colours sparkling back to their normal state as everything quietened down once more.

"What have you done?!" Steven's anguished voice rang out across the settling mindscape as he ran over.

"I saved us," Pearl plucked her spear out from the sand, "from that thing."

"But she was you! She was a part of you!" He sunk to his knees, frantically searching for some trace of her in the sand, their pearl, her gem, some fragment, anything!

"Hmm. A menace: She was determined to get into some of our most precious memories, but she only corrupts everything she lays her hands on. She only knew how to destroy."

"That wasn't corruption," Steven responded bitterly, finding nothing but empty sand.

"Breaks, taints, stains... Damage in whichever way you phrase it. No sense of reason either," Pearl said matter of factly. "Do you know what it's like to be so broken you don't know anything else?" She paused for a shudder. "Ugh. Believe me Steven, it's better off this way."

Steven looked around at the desolate patchwork world and the scattered, broken, once useful things that littered every surface. "How is this better?!"

"It's survival. We couldn't let that get hold of her or she'd ruin her, destroy all our precious memories of..."

"Of Rose," Steven realised.

"You see? She'd have just sucked all the joy out of it, damaged it, broken it beyond repair. This way we're safe, we can move on, finally rebuild without that horrible mess hanging over us." 

"She was broken, she was hurt too and you shattered her." Steven grit his teeth, watching the Pearl rub her eyes. "She wasn't the only one breaking things. How could you do this? She was hurt. She was you!" His mind leapt to the earlier storm, always reaching out, always chasing after one thing... "Rose," he realised. "She just wanted to be with Rose again. And you kept her out!"

"I did what I had to do to survive." She waved a hand at her eyes. "Do you think I chose this?" 

"Well you don't have to anymore, do you?" Steven slumped down into the sand. "Maybe you can make a start on fixing all this mess."

Pearl waved her spear around them with a smug smirk. "I already did." 

A shadow fell over them, and they looked up. Above them a dark cloud swirled, streams of fragments flying around above their heads. The middle dipped, and stretched, spiralling as it reached down, and Steven's heart leapt as the first few fragments came together, becoming the outline of Pearl- their Pearl! She wasn't gone, just dispersed. If he could get to her, heal her, she could stop this. He just needed to keep her away from- 

He glanced up, to where the other Pearl had already drawn her weapon.

"She's right behind me isn't she?" Pearl spun, raising her spear to her shoulder to launch it at the still forming Pearl.

"No!" Steven threw himself in front of her. "I can't let you do this, not again."

"Stay out of this!" Pearl snarled and let fly but a snap of a whip caught it at the last moment, forcing the spear off course and into the distance.

"Go Steven, we've got this!" Amethyst called out. Steven nodded, turned and ran towards the reforming Pearl.

"Pearl!" Before him the storm had built quickly and was drawing in again. "Pearl, wait!" He reached out towards her as she began to disappear behind the whirl of cloud. "Don't go, you don't have to hide anymore!" 

She faded out of sight and Steven summoned his shield.

"What are you doing?" Amethyst called out to him. 

"I have to talk to her."

"Be careful."

With his shield up before him he pressed into the swirling mass.

Immediately the wind pressed back against him, his feet threatening to shift under the onslaught, his jacket flapping around him. "Pearl, please! I just want to help you." 

There. He squinted, the wind stinging his eyes but there was a figure, dark in the maelstrom. He grit his teeth and pushed through, step by step almost stumbling to his knees in front of her as the storm stopped, a small tunnel of stillness sat right here in the center. And she stood in the middle of it all.

"Pearl?" She didn't answer, staring blankly past him, trails of fragments and dust still coming and going, dipping in and out of the storm. As he looked the spread of colour on the ground crept over him, making himself shiver as his coat faded to a washed out pale blue. He looked up. "Pearl," she barely seemed to notice him, staring into the distance blankly, yet an arrowhead of fragments formed over her shoulder angling towards him ready to strike, "it's me, Steven." He dismissed his shield, slowly climbing to his feet. "I'm not here to fight you." He took a step closer, watching for any response, taking another when she didn't attack. "It's safe, it's okay." He was close now. "We fixed it." Arm's length. "You don't need to fight anymore." 

Her head moved, a slight tilt, a faint query. "You're safe now." Steven gathered her in a gentle hug, trying carefully not to dislodge her fragile shell. 

The roar of the storm jumped, then started fading away and he could hear whispering streams of fragments coming flying towards him, and held on, eyes tight.

"Steven!" Garnet and Amethyst cried out in alarm, but the fragments passed him by, diving over his shoulder into Pearl instead. It wasn't the only one. More and more streams came down, piling into Pearl.

"What are you doing?!" the other Pearl shrieked from somewhere behind him, and he snapped his head around ready to see her off. "Get away from her, she's dangerous!" Pearl protested. But he needn't have worried- Amethyst already had her all wrapped up with one of her whips.

Their Pearl was looking more solid now, moving her head slowly to look around as though caught in some strange stop motion movie. Her aura grew, spreading out further over the ground and draining out the colour as it went, even reaching Garnet and Amethyst who stepped back as it came towards them. 

"Ahhhaahha!" Amethyst let out a cry in anticipation, curling away from the front as it approached, and passed through. She blinked her eyes open. "Huh, I thought that would do something else. Eh." She shrugged, then caught sight of Garnet and snickered. "Hey Garnet, why so blue?"

"I could ask you the same thing," she responded, and Amethyst let out a small yelp as she saw her discoloured self.

Steven turned to Pearl who still looked dazed, her movements slow and uncertain, looking around as though lost. "Pearl? Pearl van you hear me?" No response. Something was still missing, but what? He racked his brains. Oh! Of course. He took hold of her hand. "Come on, there's someone you need to see." 

"Wait, what are you doing?" The other Pearl tensed up against her bonds as Steven lead Pearl across the beach. "No, stop, Don't!"

Steven ignored her, giving the newer Pearl a bit of a swing and sending her towards the waiting figure, momentum throwing her ahead of the drifting miscolouring. She stumbled to a stop just before her, catching sight of the pink gem and white dress and flinching away.

"Come on..." Steven whispered, urging her to look. The discolouration crept closer, catching at their heels once again. It would be too late.

Then she looked, head tilting up to catch the slightest glance which melted into full on adoration at the familiar figure of her love standing before her, Rose Quartz. She reached out, their hands intertwining, drawing closer. 

A strange whistling filled the air, giving the onlookers a second of warning before another stream of fragments came flying down, piercing straight into Pearl's chest. The gems cried out in alarm, but Pearl seemed not to notice, eyes only on the gem before her until the two became obscured by the mass of spiralling fragments that buzzed as they hurtled and rushed around them.

"No, no, no no no NO!" The other Pearl wriggled and gnashed her teeth, "you're ruining everything! Steven, please, stop this! You have to save her, before it's too late! Please!" She was crying, but it was no use.

The flurry faded, revealing Pearl and Rose in each others embrace. As they watched the colour crept and faded over Rose, washing out her gem then creeping upwards through her hair, turning it blue to the very top.

"Noooo!" wailed the gem on the floor. "No!"

Pearl pulled back from the embrace, her eyes filled with tears, but Steven smiled as he noticed the cracks on her form were less unstable now, Pearl exuding a sense of solidity she hadn't had before. Their hands still linked, Pearl stepped back to better look up at the figure of Rose Quartz. 

"Come on, come on come on come ooonnnn!" Steven whispered to himself, waiting, hoping for it to work. "You can do this!"

Pearl smiled, closed her eyes and bowed her head for a moment, a single tear creeping down the side of her face. A spark of colour flashed off Rose's gem, a snapshot of pink that stretched and grew, before flooding through her from top to toe. 

"What is it? What's going on?" Pearl demanded from the floor.

"It's okay, you don't need to worry about Rose anymore!" Steven watched the scene before him with a tearful smile. All that love... "Nothing could spoil your memories of her, not even yourself."

"I don't believe you," she pouted. Steven came over, and she flinched as he crouched down beside her.

"Then see for yourself. You don't have to hide from this," Steven tried to convince her, but she flushed blue and turned away. 

A hand on his shoulder made him jump.

"It's okay," Pearl reassured him. "The fighting's done." 

"Pearl!" Steven launched into her with a hug. 

"Steven." Her hand squidged his hair as she drew him in. "Thank you. I would never been able to get here myself." They held on, and Pearl let out a little oof as Amethyst jumped on too, Garnet wrapping them all together. "You too." Pearl blinked away the tears. "Thank you."

"So..." Steven ventured. "What now?" They broke away, Pearl taking a good look at the world around them. 

"With the remnants of the ambush gone, we can rebuild, start returning to some sort of normality. Less sleeping for starters. We've spent so long fighting to survive, so long worrying about what is wrong that we were never able work on making it right. It's time to fix all this."

"What about her?" They looked down at the Pearl on the floor.

"She's a part of me as much as I am. We're going to have to work together." The Pearl on the floor let out another huff at her words. "We can't run from our problems anymore." Pearl took a good look around and whistled through her teeth, "annnd I'd say the first one is trying to sort all of this out. Eueuegh... I'm not even sure where to start."

"The mess you've made? Anywhere," the other Pearl commented.

"Oh, so are you going to help this time?"

Steven elbowed Amethyst, pointing to the horizon. "Look!" A light grew, hinting at the coming sunrise. Behind them Pearl helped her younger form to her feet, having a quiet argument but she seemed to relent, accepting the first piece of junk off the floor to inspect, turning it over in her hands.

Garnet joined them, watching the Pearls as they moved away. "Time to go."

Steven pulled out the mobile, and paused. "What about her?" He looked to them. "The first one? Her memories... Isn't there anything we can do?"

"Not here, not anymore." Garnet held his shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "But there might be a chance to return them in time. Look." 

Steven cast his eyes down, and noticed a set of flowers, small and blue, growing out of one of the cracks.

"They're new."

"They're called Forget-me-nots," Garnet explained, adjusting her visor.

Steven blinked, holding back the tears. Did they know? He watched as the Pearls moved further away, the land lightening around him as the aura swept back, following her and them. It cleared the flowers and Steven let out a gasp of wonder as their true colours were revealed in the light of the new day.

They were pink.


	23. Fever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gems return and break the good news to Pearl, but their celebrations are cut short as she falls ill.

Pearl almost dropped the phone when it buzzed in her hands, fumbling around her gem to pull the others out in such a hurry that when they landed on the floor in front of her, only Garnet managed to stay on her feet. For a moment no-one spoke.

"Well, what did you find?" Pearl enquired at the exact same time Steven asked her how she was feeling. They tried again, apologies and insistence of the other to go first once again overlapping.

"Pearl," Steven held up his hands, finally getting space to speak, "how are you feeling?"

She wiped away a tear to show him. "I'm not sure. Nothing, and everything. You were in there so long I feel as though I cycled through every emotion under the sun and I don't know why." Nightmares had run freely through her, and it was what little she could do to hold on and not pull them out before. "But now? I feel happy, and sad, and tired but it's different somehow. Something's changed. What exactly happened in there?"

"Turns out you were right, in a way," Garnet explained. "The attackers left something behind that was disrupting your mind. Not enough to take over, but enough to rattle your memories, and cause chaos in there."

"But we managed to stop it!" Steven cheered. "It's gone! So, how are you feeling?"

"Gone?" She let out a disbelieving laugh and cried, the tears flowing freely down her cheeks. She had known, somehow in these few hours a weight had lifted from the back of her mind, and now she understood. She was free!

Her hand drifted to her head and the momentary exhilaration faded. "My sight..." She looked to Garnet, uncertain.

"We didn't find a way to fix that yet. Maybe another day. But we have more time now."

"Oh. Right. Still-" Pearl let out a sighing yawn, catching herself by surprise and snapping it away with an embarrassed huff, "Still it does feel better. It's strange, I can't explain it myself but I think I knew you managed to do something good in there."

"We got your phone," Steven said.

"You got my phone," she acknowledged gratefully, accepting it back. "Thank you Steven." Amethyst harumphed. "And you two too."

They were watching her, almost waiting for something- she didn't know what, then Steven threw himself around her in a hug.

"Didn't we just-?" Amethyst started, but Garnet shoved her forward, throwing them all into a group hug once more.

"Hey, can we get pizza?" Steven asked after a while, his voice partially muffled but not budging from his spot. "I feel like this deserves pizza."

Soon enough there was pizza, and donuts, and cake and chips, and Pearl watched it all appear with amusement.

"No thank you," she turned down the proffered slice. "It's kind but you know I don't eat." 

"Well how about some apple juice..." Steven held up the can hopefully, drawing a smile from Pearl. "I got it just for you." He held it out, waiting until she took it.

"Maybe later," she conceded, then nodded to the buffet. "You'd best get yourself some of that before Amethyst clears it out." The gem was already stacking up a plate. That was okay. Pearl was pretty sure they still had plenty spare.

Someone had put some music on, playing cheery pumping beats that spread through the house. If they weren't careful this whole thing was only some banners and balloons away from turning into an all out party. 

Pearl sighed and relaxed into the sofa once again, closing her eyes.

Gone. It was gone.

That terror in the shadows, that uncertainty at the back of her mind, gone. Her hand traced over her gem. 

So they had done something to her gem. But it was all for naught. They'd stopped it, they'd saved her. Everything those gems had done to try and drag her down, to try and tear her, tear them apart, undone, failed. Over.

The attack was finally over.

It was over.

She could have burst into tears then and there, relief flooding through her. It felt as though the walls of the house fell away and she could fly, the Earth itself having no hold over her anymore, her heart threatening to soar clean away from it all.

Then Steven looked her way and smiled, and she was smiling back too, the gesture coming so easily now, released from its unseen prison. And she was glad of it, as her tongue suddenly felt like it was welded to the back of her throat watching the three of them. They'd kept by her side, they'd kept fighting for her even when she didn't know what the fight was anymore, even when she felt she couldn't fight anymore. Even when she wasn't able to. 

They'd saved her, from something much worse. She knew that. Yet here she'd been, just been standing around in a daze, too busy trying to get her head around it all to tell them, to say the words that really mattered. She stood, still clutching the can. She needed to tell them.

One step, then another, the nervous weight pulling at her. The movement seemed to unplug a blockage in her mind, the shock of her foot against the floor reverberating up through her and everything shifted. The attack, those gems, the fear... Everything she'd been through, her thoughts chased around her mind, racing here and there with dizzying speed, her hearing fading in and out like a badly tuned radio as she tried to keep up with the jubilant celebrations of the others, pressure building in her head.

Her hand shook, the can shifting then slipped from her grasp, bouncing off the floor with an uncomfortably loud clang.

Steven whipped around, the others gathering closer. The music seemed to fade away in the background, her vision drawing tighter around her. She could just about make out Steven's voice. "Pearl, are you okay?"

"I-" Pearl cut out as she shivered, an uncontrollable shudder that rippled up and down her form. "Ugh." She grit her teeth as the world around her swam, the concerned voices of the others bubbling in and out of her hearing. She blinked, once, twice, then passed out.

Pearl collapsed, eyes rolling backwards and crumpling. Garnet caught her, and gathered her in her arms, where she shuddered and stirred fitfully, her gem glowing a hot white. 

"And there's that sense of humour," Amethyst declared. "'Less sleeping' Pffft."

"Pearl? Pearl!" Steven was there by her side, trying to wake her up. "Is it another nightmare?" he asked in confusion. "But I thought we-"

"Wait," Garnet stopped him, watching Pearl as her face strained and tensed up for a moment, light reaching out from her gem until with a small pop! a familiar statuette appeared, and dropped to the floor.

"Hey, that's the elephant carving I found earlier." Amethyst picked it up and studied it. She frowned. "What's it doing out here?"

Steven looked between them. "Is she trying to tell us something else? Did we miss something?" Steven flustered. "Is she glitching?" He let out a small gasp. "We didn't damage her did we?"

"Hm," Garnet pondered and set Pearl down on the sofa then crouched and studied her gem, gently probing around it for any cracks. She didn't expect to find any and she didn't. They would have struggled a lot more to get out of the gem than they had if there were. 

"No," she finally answered, but her hand hovered over her pearl, noticing the warmth underneath her fingers, an uncomfortable heat coming off the gem itself, much more than there should be. She frowned. "Go get some water."

"Healing water?" Amethyst asked.

"Just water, Now," she said firmly. A bitter smell reached her and her eyes snapped back to see a darkening scorch mark appearing in the sofa close to where Pearl's gem rested. She quickly cupped her hand underneath, summoning her gauntlet to try and protect the surface. For a moment she thought the movement disturbed her as Pearl shifted once again, groaning and tensing up but her gem simply flared and a book appeared in the air, the copy of 'advanced avionics' quickly dropping to the floor. Pearl tensed once more and Garnet acted quickly, switching her hands around and this time she was able to catch the next item that emerged, a slightly singed bundle of blueprints. 

"What's happening to her?" Amethyst stood watching as Pearl seized up yet again, wrapped in these strange throes.

"She's tidying." There was a plonk as a metal component of some sort appeared and tumbled to the floor, leaving Pearl slumped back into the sofa panting and sweating. "Trying to fix all that damage." Garnet beckoned over the cloth and basin from Amethyst and quickly got to work dowsing down the hot gem. Pearl let out a moan at the abrupt coolness, eyes flickering briefly, then settled again.

"Like a cold," Steven realised. "Or a fever." He shifted uneasy as he watched Pearl shift, tense and glow, and this time the items were ejected in quick succession, the first two dropping out onto the new pile, the third unexpectedly flying out halfway across the room, skimming past Amethyst and shattering across the floor. They looked at the broken remains of the plate.

"Um..."

"Steven, you'd better go and get Bismuth," Garnet instructed. "We're going to need her help."

He didn't need telling twice.

When they returned the beach house was a mess. Amethyst quickly ushered him through to the temple, insisting he helped her organise the already considerable number of items Pearl had evicted from her gem, escorting him by the table that had been turned on its side, looking distinctly out of place with the bright tablecloth still covering it. Bismuth paused behind, watching as Pearl seized and her gem spat out another item, sending it clattering across the floor until it rolled to a stop against the improvised barrier.

"How is she?"

Garnet glanced down to where Pearl was laid in her lap, already damping down her gem. "Better than she was." Safer too. The ejections seemed to have settled into a more manageable rhythm for her, her gem still hot but no longer threatening to burn out the rest of her form from the heat. "Bismuth, we need to know how many swords she has."

"How many...?" Bismuth smiled inwardly. They really brought her all the way across town for that one question. It was a good a reason to be here for her than any and she was glad of it. She'd have been happier if it was easier to answer though. "Aw gee, I don't- she really collects them you know? Sure I made her a few but I know for a fact she's picked up many more than that over the years, probably even more since then. What's the deal with that anyhow?"

Garnet cocked a finger and pointed it at the table. Bismuth looked. It was a table. Apart from the fact it was on it's side, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Garnet shook her head and pointed lower until Bismuth looked under the tablecloth. "Oh." She pulled it back, revealing two swords, a dagger and a couple of throwing knives embedded in the surface. "Aw geez." She pulled a face. "Steven..."

"We'll get him to stay with Greg until this passes." Garnet shifted a little. "I need to talk to him." 

Bismuth waited, and Garnet had to look pointedly at Pearl. Still out cold and entirely oblivious to their silent conversation she suddenly bucked, back arching, shoulders digging against Garnet a grimace on her face as she strained, her gem glowing once more. Garnet glanced down, watching carefully to see what such effort would bring, Bismuth inching closer to witness this for herself only to be rewarded for her curiosity by four mismatched chess pieces pinging off her cheek.

"Ow!" She didn't have much time to mope as Garnet beckoned her over.

"There's usually a gap between each expulsion," Garnet explained, carefully sliding out from her spot. "Look, feel that."

Bismuth let out a low whistle. "She's burning up. That's not good, not for a Pearl." 

"Not for a human either. He can't stay."

Without prompting Bismuth took the cloth from her and set to work, shifting a little so they could trade places properly.

Garnet rejoined the others in Amethyst's room. "Steven, you'll need to stay over with Greg for a few days whilst this runs its course."

"What? No, I want to stay, I want to help!"

"Whilst she's like this the whole house is a danger zone."

"So what? I have my shield, my bubble- I can look after myself." He followed her back out into the house.

"Steven, there are a couple of things we can try to speed this through but it would speed up everything." Her hand flicked up and fielded a rogue object sent flying their way without looking, turning to hold the axe head up to show him. "It would become dangerous for you to be here. One rogue item could be all it takes to hurt you. You know Pearl wouldn't want that."

"Hmpf."

"Steven, it'll only be for a few days," she explained. "You can come and visit if you want to."

" _If_?" he asked, somewhat miffed.

"Yeah, alright," Garnet conceded with a smile, "you were going to visit anyway."

"Okay, just give me a chance to pack a few things." He moved to head up to his room but Garnet held him back, and they watched as a bowling ball rumbled across the floor in front of them. "Just how much stuff has she got in there?"

Garnet shrugged.

When he reappeared he hovered by the door, eyes drawn to where Pearl still lay, her head resting in Bismuth's lap.

"Can I say goodbye?"

Garnet took a look at Pearl. "If you're quick."

Steven dropped his bag and hurried over to crouch beside her. "Hey Pearl, don't worry," he wrapped her hand in his, "I'm not going to be gone long, just down at my Dad's. I'll visit every day, I promise. We'll get you through this." He gave her hand a squeeze, but there was no indication she heard. Steven paused. She looked so peaceful. He spoke to Garnet. "Do I really need to go?"

"Steven, you-" her head twitched and flicked around, seeing something else. "Look out!" Garnet dived forward and pushed him out the way as Pearl's gem flared again and the sloop appeared, catching her broadside with an uncomfortably solid THWACK, Bismuth letting out a startled cry as the enormous object expanded into existence barely a few feet away.

There was a loud thump as it all hit the floor. Steven slowly pushed himself up and whipped around, searching for Garnet. After a moment he spotted her still arm, the rest of her stuck somewhere underneath the boat.

"Garnet?" he asked nervously.

"Ow." Hearing her deadpan voice brought something of relief to Steven and he watched as her arm moved, shoving up against the boat, slipping and unable to get a grip at first but then dug in, taking hold and starting to lift, straining against the weight.

He edged forward, wanting to help, but Pearl was shifting again, Bismuth trying to keep her steady as her body worked up to throw out another surprise. 

With a grunt Garnet's arms snapped out to full reach, holding the boat above her head then dumped it to the side, rolling out the way into a crouch before she rejoined Steven. She stood before him seemingly none the worse for wear, hands on her hips. There was a flash as something sharp and silver flew across the space behind her, the third throwing knife coming to a halt with a solid _**thump**_ and a twang as it embedded itself in the door of the kitchen cupboard.

"Alright," Steven conceded, "I'm going."

"Amethyst, come on," she called back towards the temple door. "We'll walk you to the car wash."

A cool breeze washed over them as soon as they stepped outside, the sense of deja vu making Steven shiver.

"Strange. We've been in the house all day but it feel's like we were just here," Steven pointed out.

"We were, in a way." Garnet adjusted her visor, looking up at the stars. They trudged along the beach in silence for a bit then Steven stopped and turned to the others.

"We didn't stop it did we?" A worried frown sat across his brow, tears waiting at the edge of his eyes. "We didn't win," he said despondently. "She's still got that thing in her." Silence fell. "What's going to happen to her now? What actually happened in there?"

Garnet considered a moment before answering. "You need to understand, those gems... They had so much disdain for Pearl, for everything she did, she earnt, she fought for. In their minds a Pearl should simply serve their owner. In their minds she didn't even do that. She was a traitor, a renegade. To a Diamond no less. So they did the one thing they considered the worst fate a Pearl could have: to take away her owner, her Diamond. I don't know if they truly understood the extent of their actions, if they understood how much of an impact Pink had on her life... Steven, if we had left it, if that part of her hadn't made the sacrifice she did, the weapon in her mind would still be eating through any memories of Pink Diamond. It still could."

"But she already lost those- didn't she?"

"Not entirely. It went for Rose Quartz. It tried to go after you. As far as that programming is concerned Pink Diamond simply changed her name, or her form. Even now it could still take out Rose Quartz. It could still come after her memories of you, because of your connection to Pink Diamond."

"What? But that's wrong! I'm not my Mom, I'm not Pink Diamond!" Steven cried.

"Steven, Pearl fought it, so hard and so well, but it's just machinery, code. It doesn't care. It sees you as one and the same."

"But, but that's not fair!"

"No. None of this is, but there are times we can't waste our pity on whether life is 'fair'."

"You've seen her haven't you?" Amethyst realised. "Without memories of Pink, or Rose. Or Steven..." Her eyes widened. "That's why you asked me not to let her poof."

Garnet gave single solemn nod. "It would have made it stronger, accelerated the process. We still need to be careful. I saw a Pearl who had forgotten so much of herself and of us..." Garnet paused, turning away and wiping a hand up under her visor. "That future could still happen. If Pearl finds out too much about Pink Diamond it could set all this off again. We could still lose her."

"She's still in danger," Steven surmised. "She's still got that thing inside her... And she's already lost all her memories of Pink Diamond- Did anything we do in there make any difference?"

"Yes. We've bought time. We brought her some peace. And now we know what the battle is we can fight it. Now we know what they've done we may be able to undo it."

"Maybe?"

Garnet adjusted her visor. "Possible futures. For now just remember what Pearl said. Pink Diamond can't exist, not for her." A steely look fixed itself on Garnet's face. "That's what we have to do, that's what it takes."

"We have to pretend that Rose Quartz was never Pink Diamond." Amethyst raised an eyebrow. "How the tables have turned."

"She was the only one who knew the truth. Now she's the only one that can't." Steven clutched at his shirt, tears in his eyes. "How are we going to do this?" Steven despaired. "Homeschool, all the gems, even most the humans in Beach City know! We can't just keep her away from them forever."

"We'll find a way. We have to, for her." Garnet looked down at her hands. "For now we should use this time to prepare. Peridot had a few ideas about fixing this. Now we know more, you should go talk to her."

Peridot had plenty of ideas, and Amethyst was quickly yawning as she babbled on and bombarded Steven with questions about what they'd seen in the mindscape. 

"Can you do that? Do you think you can find some way to undo it?" he finally managed to ask.

"I mean theoretically it's possible but I'd need a sample of the source code out here with me- something it's left an imprint on and come back out the gem." Peridot fixed Steven with a look. "You didn't happen to bring any souvenirs with you did you?"

"No, of course not. Although..." Steven perked up a bit, "she's throwing a lot of her stuff out her gem right now, we could grab any of that for you!"

"No, no no! It has to have been in direct contact with the manifestation of the code!" Peridot insisted. "You said it was a white light?"

"But it just destroyed everything it touched like that!" Steven snapped his fingers. "Deleted it." 

"Great! So we don't have it." Peridot threw her hands in the air and stomped away, rummaging around in a toolbox. "I suppose I could always poke around in her gem directly to try and find it."

"No!" Steven rubbed his head and froze, eyes wide open. _Gem_. "Wait, did you say 'something it's touched?'"

"Yes, even a partial sample would-" 

"Oh. Oh!" Steven danced around on the spot then lunged forward, Amethyst letting out a protest as he grabbed her wrist and pulled her over, holding up her hand to Peridot. "What about this?" he asked excitedly. "Her finger got deleted."

"Hey, what are you on about?" Amethyst wriggled but he held on.

"Shush, not now." Steven watched Peridot as she realised what she was looking at and scrambled over.

"Is that...?" 

Steven nodded. "Yep. Straight from the gem. She actually touched it. Poof, no finger. She doesn't remember but-"

"It will. Oh stars," Peridot stepped up, her eyes wide and shining, gathering the hand in hers as though it were gold dust, "it's perfect!"

It had been a simple matter of energy. They had begun to worry as Pearl's form seemed to fade and start flickering around the edges, the effort of it all taking so much out of her, but they found that careful appliance of Diamond essence helped perk her up, and after preparing themselves with plenty of water, and a fire extinguisher, (courtesy of Pearl herself, and Garnet to some extent, who managed to save it from falling straight back onto her face when it too was thrown out her gem) they used the essence liberally to speed up the process, scrabbling to try and keep up with the inadvertent deluge they'd summoned in their enthusiasm. When Amethyst finally returned she helped ferry the items into the temple, the beach house filling rapidly. Steven helped too when he visited, though Garnet was always careful to let Pearl settle first, always keeping a close eye on her. It was safer that way.

Three days, just when they were thinking this stream of debris would never end and Amethyst was complaining about running out of room, Bismuth noticed it first. The expulsions were slowing, becoming more and more infrequent. Her gem finally cooled to its normal ambient temperature and after what seemed like hours of nervous waiting she stirred, opening her bleary eyes and trying to focus on the hazy gem above her.

"Hey there sleepyhead, how are you feeling?"

Pearl blinked and shifted. She ached all over. "Tired," she admitted, before noticing the state of the house. "What happened?"

"You passed out then started throwing stuff from your gem. Garnet reckons you were trying to do a subconscious clear out. Or it could have been a reaction to having them in there."

"Oh. Well. They were gone a while," Pearl pointed out.

"So were you. Three days. By my count a new record for you, outside the gem of course."

"Hmm 'course." She shifted again, almost getting comfy enough to fall asleep once more.

"Hey, Hey!" Bismuth nudged her awake. "Don't think I'm letting you off that easily! You had three days for all your napping, and I'm not gonna let you dozy off again. Not when there's people been worrying about you. They've spent long enough watching you sleep hmm?"

People. Pearl frowned, then groaned and tried to push herself up. Garnet, Amethyst, and, and... "Ugh!" She almost slipped off as she tried to grab at her head as a wave of dizziness hit, Bismuth holding her up.

"Woah there, take it easy."

Pearl didn't, pulling away until she was sat upright, still frowning, searching for something hiding at the tip of her tongue. _Steven_. She looked up at Bismuth. "I was going to tell them something, something important. I- Ugh!" Her face crunched up as she tried to remember. "It was important! It's right there! Ugh my head!" Her hands grabbed her head, her breath drawing short. "Why can't I remember?"

"Pearl, chill." Bismuth tried to calm her down. "Look at me. Do you remember who I am?" A nod. Bismuth raised an eyebrow, quietly quizzing her behind a smile. She got one in return.

"Of course I do Bismuth," Pearl assured her.

"Garnet said some of your memories might be a little fuzzy at first but not to worry- it'll settle," Bismuth explained watching as another pained frown crossed Pearl's face. "Are you okay? Does it hurt?"

Her eyes flashed open again. "No. No I'm just tired," she admitted. "I just want to sleep, recharge." She leant back into the sofa, staring up at the ceiling. "I feel as like I've just run around the entire Earth twice."

"Only twice?" That drew a small chuckle, and Bismuth stretched an arm around her, pulling her in in a hug.

"And then gone six rounds with a battalion of Quartz." 

"So... pretty normal huh?" Bismuth quipped, drawing another chuckle from the gem. "Hey, I know who'd come off worse from a fight like that and it was never you."

The temple door opened and Garnet emerged, breaking out into a rare smile as she saw Pearl. "You're awake. Good." She waved her mobile. "Steven's on his way over." She paused, her gaze stayed unshifting on Pearl, watching, waiting...

"I'm fine," Pearl assured her. "Head's a little fuzzy and I could probably do with sleeping another three days but I'm fine." Garnet gave a little nod of acknowledgement and joined them, taking a seat. She popped up again almost immediately, picking up the seat cushion and throwing it over to the door. Seconds later it slammed open, bouncing off the padding and back into Steven, who barely noticed, dumping his bag as he called out in delight. 

"Pearl!"

"Oh! Hello Steven." She leant forward and let him embrace her in an awkward half hug.

"It's good to see you up again." He stepped back. "How are you feeling?" 

"Like a bear with a sore head," Bismuth answered for her.

"Not sore, just tired," Pearl clarified hastily, "though it feels better than it did." Her fingers traced delicately over her gem. "Lighter too, literally." They had a quiet chuckle at that one.

"Wha-hoo-ha?!" Amethyst stumbled out of the Temple in a bundle of noise looking around frantically and spotting the crowd. "Hey! Why didn't anyone tell me Pearl was up?"

"You were going to wake anyway," Garnet said as Amethyst jumped on the sofa too, trying to get a closer look at Pearl.

"Woah, give her some space," Steven said, pulling her back. "She's hardly had any time to process all of this."

"Oh come on!" Amethyst threw her hands in the air in exasperation. "It's been three days."

Pearl smiled. "For you maybe. For me it still feels as though it was barely three minutes since I took you out of my gem." Amethyst didn't show any signs of moving. "I'm fine, really."

"Are you though? Last time you said that you zonked out on us. Kinda ruined the celebrations," Amethyst pointed out.

"Oh!" The party! Pearl's hands flew to her mouth. "Oh dear, I hope I didn't spoil it for you!"

"No! No, you didn't," Steven insisted. "We shouldn't have rushed into that anyway. We let ourselves get carried away. Should have taken the time to make sure you were okay first. Properly okay."

"I am. Steven, it's alright," Pearl assured him. "I was glad you were happy, I just needed to-" 

_tell them_

"-take a break." She glanced up. They were all here. Pearl stood abruptly, swaying a little as her head complained, but she shook it away.

"Woah there Pearl, take it easy," Bismuth fussed, trying to bring her back to the sofa, "you need to rest."

"No, wait, I remembered, I-" Pearl drew herself up, "from before. I need to do this." Bismuth let her go, and she turned to the others, gathering herself before she spoke. "I wanted to say this earlier but I got a little... waylaid." She gave a wry smile. "But I just wanted to say Thank you, to you all for all you've done, for helping me through all of this..." She looked around. "For being there," she lingered on Amethyst, "for believing in me when I struggled to believe in myself." She kept going, turning to Garnet, Bismuth and Steven. "For your patience, your kindness, your persistence. If it wasn't for you I- I..." Pearl flustered, tears at her eyes. "I don't know if I could have got through it." Her throat bobbed and she blinked furiously to try and keep her composure. "Thank you."

There were no words. Steven dove forwards into a hug, burying his face in her shoulder as she held him, glancing up to the other two, who needed the but the barest invitation to join them, all of them piling over each other and holding tight, as though they'd never let go. Pearl finally broke into relieved sobs, draped over her family, hoping to impart her sheer gratitude as she held them.

"You saved me." 

So great was her relief that she didn't notice the tense shoulders underneath her hands. She didn't notice the half caught breaths and nervous exchanged glances, wide-eyed from one to another. She didn't see Bismuth behind her with her hand across her mouth, stifling her grimace. She didn't see the tears, or the worry, that dawning trepidation on their faces as the enormity of the challenges that still lay before them sank home.

She was safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to say this was largely written pre- Bismuth Casual, which made me feel extremely validated when I saw it ('tis a good episode).


	24. A New Normal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl settles back into her new life.

They strode through Amethyst's room, Steven and Amethyst shadowing Pearl as she occasionally crouched down to inspect an item here and there.

After more rest and some actual sleep, 'Look it really is just sleep,' she'd said, 'I'll be fine', Pearl had almost without realising it begun to take charge, first gently roping them into helping her tidy the house, then moving on to all of her things that now filled Amethyst's room. For once they were more than happy to help, encouraging her to stop and rest whilst they worked with almost embarrassing regularity.

She stopped, pulling up the remains of her violin. "Oh," she said mournfully, "Rose got me this." She laid it out, delicately, carefully replacing it piece by piece. But not enough. The broken body was clearly well beyond repair, chunks of woodwork absent here and there. She idly wondered whether the missing splinters were still somewhere in her gem, but dismissed the thought. It mattered little anymore, and all around her were piles of the things she'd accumulated over the years, now in various states of damage and disarray.

"We could try to find someone to repair it, or we could get you a new one?" Steven asked. "I know how much you like playing."

Pearl considered the frame a moment. "Well I do still have the bass..." It had escaped damage thanks to the new stand Steven had got her. It'd been proudly sat out in living room until Steven safely stored it away whilst Pearl recovered. "...so it's not as though I've lost my entire musical repitoire..." Still, her fingers traced over the instrument, gently tapping out familiar notes, now quiet forever.

"We'll get you a new one," Steven assured her, already pulling out his phone to send a quick message to Connie, "and a case," he added as an afterthought.

"Hmm, I'll probably should just store it in my room this time. It would be safer. Besides I do most of my playing at home anyway, it'd make sense for it to stay here whilst it's not in use," Pearl continued, muttering more to herself, "although if we do head out and we need to stay a while unexpectedly it would be good to have the option to-"

"Oh! We can get you two!" Steven enthused.

"Two?" Pearl looked perplexed.

"You could have a second one for your gem if you want- just like this."

"No, no that won't be necessary, really. I've spent far too long hauling far too much," she waved her hand at the mess around her, "'stuff' around in there." She glanced back at the violin. "There's really no need to accumulate more than I actually require. Besides," she gave them a sly smile, "for half the times I'd want to use it away from house, it'd need to be much smaller to achieve the desired effect." She mimicked playing a miniature violin.

Amethyst gaped, her eyes shining. "Peeeearl," she said in awed reverence, "that's hilarious!"

She smiled, a brief touch on the shoulder showing Amethyst her appreciation. The smile slipped away again as she looked around. "I really should have done a clear out much sooner. I'm not sure why I kept so much of this in my gem in the first place. Old habits, I suppose." She looked up at the reaching crystal vaults of the room, and over to where familiar roaring waterfalls fell. Somewhere up there her room still waited, clear soothing waterfalls high above all of this, home to sorted safe collections of weapons left over from the war. Perhaps they could move them to Rose's old armoury, and she could use the space for something else, plans and ideas already forming in her head.

"Pearl?" Steven's gentle query brought her back to the present, and the awaiting mess.

"Alright, let's start with the non-broken items for now. They'll be easier to tidy away. At least you had the foresight to organise them by damage Amethyst."

"Yeah..." Amethyst ventured, "don't thank me too quickly. Half this stuff I had no idea what it was meant to be like so I just had to take a guess." Amethyst chucked some sort of bucket over her shoulder with a shrug and Pearl couldn't hold back a grunt of displeasure, letting it slip out as she tensed up. "Hey, I had to work with what I got."

Everything began to slowly return to a new sort of normal. Pearl even made a point of it, trying to get her life in order again starting by slowly but stubbornly making her way through everything had been in her gem, the familiar focus of organising easily passing the time, and the results it brought brought comfort too. Some things were a little harder to get back into the swing of. She had to have a face off with Garnet, negotiating over her reluctance to allow Pearl out and about without a chaperone. Although it was not much of a negotiation. She just sat opposite the fusion and kept pulling her mobile in and out of her gem until she finally relented and allowed Pearl to go out into the town on her own- so long as she had told them where she was going and who with of course. 

Then there were other changes too, things that came as they had gone: less noticed.

Steven was on the edge of panic one morning as he tried to get everything together for school. Phone, bag, keys... Keys. He rummaged around in his room: he knew they had to be around here somewhere, fallen on the floor, knocked under the bed or desk, maybe. If it took much longer he was going to be late. He briefly considered warping up to Little Homeschool instead to save time but the thought was quickly quashed. He had to run by the grocery store later. The car was needed, and for that he needed the keys. A flash of inspiration hit him and he checked the empty bags set to one side for the shopping. Sure enough his keys sat innocently at the bottom as though they were supposed to be there all along. He grabbed them out and finally ran downstairs. "I'm just heading up to Homeschool!" He yelled back into the house, mind already halfway out the door trying to figure out the revised lesson plan for that afternoon.

"Steven!" Pearl's urgent call brought his charge skidding to an abrupt halt in the doorway, almost getting whiplash as his attention turned to her over a tangle of limbs. She gave him a smile. "Don't forget your coat," she said, bringing it out from behind her back, "you'll catch a cold otherwise." She held it up and waited for him to come over and get it. 

"Oof!" It almost fell from her hand as at the last moment he dove past it and into a hug instead, squeezing her tight and almost lifting her off the ground. "Oh?" she managed when she'd landed, "what's this?"

"Missed you," he mumbled, finally pulling back and giving her a big proud smile. His phone beeped. He was going to be late! "Ah, gotta go!" He skipped towards the door, leaving her flustered and blinking.

"Steven, wait!" she called after him stopping him at the door yet again. "Aren't you forgetting something?"

He looked around mind working furiously. "No?" he ventured. She lifted her hand pointedly with a smile and he blushed, looping back sheepishly to finally pick up his coat. 

Any other day it would have gotten on his nerves as he had been working hard to become more independent, making a point to the gems of being able to do things for himself, complaining at them if they fussed him too much. But he couldn't begrudge her this, as time and again he found himself smiling from the thought of it throughout day, and even when he returned at the end of it to find her asleep on the couch.

She'd been sleeping easily, spending more time napping out in the house for their benefit and peace of mind as much as hers. She still got tired, that much was obvious, but she was being much more honest about it, even chalking up a detailed sleep diary that had quickly proved she was spending more and more time awake, still improving every day. As he watched her he wondered if that would be strange too, when she finally managed to break out of the habit, not seeing her laid out sleeping around the house, sometimes even with cat Steven nestled in at her side. Maybe she wouldn't, Steven thought with a strange pang of hope. It was nice seeing her so peaceful.

But it didn't last. Barely a week later Steven heard her tossing and turning in the middle of the night, disquieted moans rising through the floorboards. He rushed down, and found her caught under flashes of projections, the sound of discordant whirring filling the room.

Not again.

"Pearl, Pearl wake up!" He tried to shake her awake but she just grabbed him and held on, her vice like grip refusing to let him go. He stayed by her side, kept on trying to wake her, waiting for her to come back, to finally emerge from the claws of the nightmare once again. She was so shaken when she did it was little more than he could do to hold her as she cried and try and reassure her.

"I thought it was over! I thought they'd gone!"

"Shhh, shh it's okay, we're here. We're here."

She was sat on the sofa, blanket over her shoulders and a cup of tea in her hands Steven had made it for her. She didn't plan on drinking it but the warmth and the gentle herbal smells it gave off were helping her relax a little, ground her away from the memories. "I thought they'd gone," she explained, the others listening quietly. "After you went into my gem I didn't expect them to come back."

They exchanged a glance.

"It was always possible they would return," Garnet stated. "In stopping the code we undid a lot of damage, but not everything came from the code itself."

She tensed around the cup. "I don't understand..." If it wasn't happening because of them, the code, if it kept coming back regardless of what they did... She shuddered. The thought that it could just pop up at any time... Her chest began to tighten once again, her throat closing up.

"Pearl," Garnet's voice cut through the growing panic, calm and steady, hands already there around hers. "Breathe." They stayed like that until she had settled once more.

"It's not going to go away is it?" 

"I can't answer that." Garnet's calm voice brought little comfort in her words. "These are your memories, your experience. They're a part of you, even if it's a part you don't want, even if it's a part you don't think you can face. We can't magically get rid of them for you, we can't stop them from coming back forever but what we can do is be there to help you through it as much as we can."

"Hey," Amethyst piped up, "maybe we can still find another way for you to kick these nightmares. Ya did just have a two week gap without them- that's good right?"

Pearl let out an unconvinced 'hm.' 

"That," Garnet pointed out, "is up to Pearl. You know yourself better than any of us, only you can work out what you need to do. Remember, we're all here for you: If there's anything we can do to help, just ask and we'll try."

Pearl seemed quiet, lost deep in thought, staring at the tea in her hands.

"Actually," Pearl's hands shifted around the mug, "there is something. Garnet." Pearl sat forward. "I need to know. I want to find the gems that did this and I want them to tell me why, why they did this. Why me? I'm not the only Crystal Gem. Was I unlucky? In the wrong place at the wrong time? Was it something I did? I don't remember those gems at all and yet they put all this effort in just to make my life hell! I need answers!"

Garnet held her gaze for a moment, then let her head drop with a sigh. "Anything but that." 

"But you said-"

"I said we'd try. Pearl, I have looked. Believe me I have seen us trying and trying to find them and we rarely do, and even when we might the answers would never bring you the peace you are looking for."

"So what? I'm supposed to just live with this?" Pearl turned on the defensive.

Garnet hesitated. "Yes. And no," she hurriedly added to stave off Pearls anger and frustration. "You should live past this."

A cool silence fell between them, Pearl's lips thinning. "You're telling me just to 'move on'?!" She looked at her aghast. "How am I supposed to do that when my mind can barely settle with these questions, when nightmares still plague me from all of this and I can't even know why?"

Garnet snapped. "You already know why!" The outburst shocked all of them into silence. "It was revenge, from cowards that lost out in the war." Steven looked at Garnet nervously as a hint of uncharacteristic petulance entered her voice. "They should never have done it."

"But why? Why this? Why now?" Pearl bombarded her with questions. "Why me? I'm just a Pearl!"

Garnet let out a cold 'ha'. "That's exactly why. There's a couple of gems out there who really didn't like getting beaten by a pearl who became more than just a servant. A pearl who broke free, who learned to fight, who defied everything she was meant to be to become so much more than the society that made her thought she would ever be." She reached out to her, holding her hands. "A pearl who fought for the freedom to love."

"Ah," Pearl was blushing now, seeming a little flustered, "as I recall I wasn't the only one to do that," she countered, and it was Garnet's turn to blush and smile as she considered her own gems. Steven and Amethyst watched in bemusement as the heated exchange flipped and dissolved the two into a pair of quiet dopey lovestruck fools.

"Eugh. That's the classic Crystal Gems alright:" Amethyst announced, "bunch of hopeless romantics, the lot of 'em."

They smiled, sharing the moment before slipping into silence once again, Pearl staring intently at her cooling tea. She closed her eyes, taking a long slow breath in, and out again. 

"I don't regret it you know." Her words drew their attention, almost veiling a hint of surprise at herself. "We fought for what was right, all this life, our lives here on Earth, Rose... Even after everything that's happened, I don't regret it." Her cool blue eyes landed on Steven. "Some things are worth fighting for." She offered him the tea before it got too cold. No point it going to waste after all. And she had other things on her mind.

It was them. Those gems that did this. A hot pit bubbled within her at the thought, riling against what they did, riling against the fact that they would never see justice for it, angry that they'd caused this recurrent weakness. Angry that those gems were able to get the jump on her in the first place.

Angry.

The feeling flooded hot through her, filling her top to toe with taut energy. She hadn't felt such certainty of emotion for a while. Good. She could use this, focus it. Determination settled over her, the same inner calm she'd spent so many years perfecting on the battlefield. The war, all that fighting... She'd come through fights and ambushes as bad and been hurt worse and yet always came through unscathed. The pieces dropped into place, a flooding release of realisation coursing through her: She wouldn't even be having these nightmares if they hadn't gone through her gem!

"Pearl?" Steven's voice came through worried, and she found herself on her feet, the door in her sights. "Are you okay?"

"Yes." Her gaze flicked down to him and he shifted, the slightest flinch back. "I know what I need to do. I need to face this." Take back control. "I'm not going to let those gems have this power over me any more." She strode towards the door.

"Wait! Don't go!" Steven almost ran after her.

She swung around. "You can't stop me; I need to do this." Her hand waved above her gem and the broad wooden rake appeared, Steven's eyes widening in an 'oh!' as he realised what she was going to do. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have some courts to straighten out."

"Yeah, you've got this Pearl!" Amethyst cheered. "Show that sand who's boss."

She strode out the door onto the first few steps down towards the beach. The relative silence hit her, and she thought about the volleyball courts. Just a simple once over to smooth out the surface. Simple. Nothing to worry about.

No-one to worry about either. The beach was empty.

A pang of nerves shot through her. She'd thought that then too. Actually, she reminded herself, the problem was she hadn't thought about it. She'd assumed it was safe. She'd assumed that gems wouldn't dare attack them so brazenly on Earth anymore. Yet they had. Right here at home. The sheer nerve of it.

Danger.

The thought lanced through her mind and she fell still, halted in place, her skin tingling, senses in overdrive in an attempt to locate the source, the approaching enemy or hazard, scanning the horizon.

It twigged. The ocean.

She couldn't hear the ocean. She blinked, watching the distant waves as they seemed to get darker, her body tensing up at unseen memories, the fuzzy absence of the wash of the waves growing into an all too familiar marauding buzzing in her head, holding her in place as the pain and panic built behind her eyes.

Memories, flashes of pain and fear snapped at her and she tried to fight it off, tried to hold it at bay but it was relentless, building into a wave of its own and overwhelming her just as easily as the day it had happened.

No! NO! Not again, not now! It wasn't right, it wasn't meant to go like this! She tried to call out, to fight against it, fight off this nightmare but it seemed to grow and grip even tighter than ever, cold whirring claws that cut through her shell and unforgivingly reduced her to a blubbering mess collapsed on her knees, felled barely metres away from the foot of the house. And she cried, disappointment and failure mixing into her pain, weeping onto familiar shoulders as they found her and tried to comfort her until she felt as though there were no tears left, and exhaustion drew her to sleep once more, dark and devoid of dreaming.

The setback hurt, yet she wouldn't let it be. She was determined to overcome this.

She kept trying.

Steven, so full of help and worry, had berated her for going out alone and insisted she would find it easier with them at her side to support her, and it raised her heart and resolve. So she tried again with them cheering her on, but the cheers turned to tears as the memories brought her down once more.

Amethyst said she was thinking about it too much, that to break the cycle she needed to break the habit. Instead of going to sweep, she should go do something else, pretend to do another task and when it just so happened to take her by the courts, boom! Just start sweeping, catching the mind unawares and tricking it into doing what you want. 

So she tried that too, but it seemed however fast she tried to catch the moment, the memories caught her quicker, burying her in the pain of the past once more.

Each had their own suggestions, their unique way of helping, yet when she turned to Garnet expecting her turn of advice she stayed silent, the fusion seemingly seemingly impervious to her questions and her pleas, waiting for nothing. At this point Pearl was willing to try anything, part of her convinced Garnet's future vision would be able to help guide her in the right direction. But she only returned silence, another wall Pearl became determined to break down.

Day by day this went on. Pearl still sporadically attempting either task, alternating between trying to sweep the courts and get an answer out of Garnet, so certain that she had her own plans to help her. But the fusion was persistent, and as the days drew on Pearl finally began to falter in her efforts, the attempts becoming fewer and fewer in between.

Then one sunny weekend they came down into the house to find Garnet stood in front of the door with a ready-made picnic in one hand and a volleyball in the other. "We're having a beach day," she declared in no uncertain terms before heading out the door. "Come on."

Volleyball. Pearl's nerves pounded. This was it! This was her plan, it had to be! To build her up to be able to finally sweep the courts again, wipe the nightmares away starting with a volleyball game. Alright. She could do this! she encouraged herself, and followed Garnet outside, not noticing how she'd left the others trailing behind.

To her surprise she made it all the way down without any flashbacks, tapping the ball back when Garnet threw it her way in warm up, passing it between them. They paired off, Pearl with Amethyst, and Garnet and Steven together and the games started, the time slipping by with ease.

As the day drew on Pearl's mind drifted further and further from her personal challenge and onto the games at hand. Amethyst and herself were having a poor time of it losing more and more points. Where the games had once been near constantly equal, Garnet and Steven now stormed ahead, barely conceding a single point. Every time they tried to crack through their defense, it failed, seeming as though wherever they sent the ball in their court Steven and Garnet always managed to find a way to return it, keeping up the same repetitive attacking play and simply waiting for their opponents to leak mistakes. 

Pearl let her frustration out on Amethyst. 'Hey, it's not my fault!', she'd replied. 'It doesn't matter how hard I smash that ball, they always seem to get there.' Pearl bit back a retort. She was right after all, she'd noticed the same thing herself. It was infuriating.

Sure enough in the next game the same happened yet again, Pearl even testing out how far they could take it without them missing a shot, taking her annoyance out on the ball as much as she could. Still their defense didn't yield. Doubt it ever would flooded through her and the fight left her abruptly mid-jump for the latest smash, pulling the shot at the last second. Her hand barely grazed the ball and it tumbled limply over the other side of the net...

and into the sand below.

"Ha! Yeah!" Amethyst whooped. "Take that! Nice one P!" Pearl blinked. Steven and Garnet were strewn out at the back of the court, picking themselves up from the sand. They hadn't seen it coming. Misdirection, just like Amethyst had suggested... Pearl frowned, and huddled closer to her teammate. 

"That's it! We need to do what they'd least expect. Go wild." Pearl framed the words with her hands and a spark in her eye.

"Aw yeah," Amethyst grinned back at her. "Now you're talking my language." 

They could still take them.

The game changed, and sure enough the points started coming in. First the odd one, then two or three, then the games began to swing the other way. After a full afternoon of playing it came to a close with the fading light, both teams back level with each other. Amidst the laughing and exchanging of compliments and comments from the game Pearl's stomach fluttered as she remembered why they were here, her eyes landing on the mussed up court surface. Garnet approached. 

"I suppose you're going to tell me now's the time to sweep the courts," Pearl said quietly.

"No." 

"What?"

"You don't need to."

The simple answer sent Pearl into a whirl of confusion. "But today, the games, all this... what was it for?"

Before she could get an answer the others bounced in. "We came up with a plan: we're going to set up the multiplayer on Golf Masters Three," Steven spouted enthusiastically, Amethyst grinning by his side, "so we can have a round robin to act as tiebreaker! It'll be perfect! What do you reckon Pearl?"

"Sounds... good." 

"Great!" Steven tugged at Amethyst and they raced up to the house. 

"Come on." Garnet started to follow them but Pearl glanced back to the courts.

"What about that? We can't leave them in that mess." Her hands fidgeted over one another, half wanting to pull out the rake and be done with it, half fully aware what pain and tears it would bring.

"Wind and rain will help level it over time, then the next group who want to use it can just kick in the bigger lumps and holes as they always do." Garnet adjusted her visor. "You don't have to sweep it. You never did."

The revelations tumbled over Pearl and her mind scrambled to make sense of it all.

"Now come on, or we'll miss the intro," Garnet insisted. She paused under Pearl's quizzical look, the slightest blush tinting her cheeks. "I like the music."

Pearl was barely listening to the animated back and forth in front of her, a strange mix of compliments, put-downs and advice between the three of them as they played. Her mind kept getting drawn outside, to where the unkempt courts still waited. To Garnet's apparent dismissal. She had been so sure she was trying to help, that this would finally be her moment but no, it was just another family day out. Nothing special at all. 

The disappointment was familiar, but still it stung. Everything she'd thrown at trying to resolve her nightmares dismissed with a few words. Did Garnet care so little? But at the same time she felt a weight had lifted, as though she felt relief at being excused from all of this. She'd been pushing so hard and for so long without success... 

But however hard she had tried it had still stopped all her efforts, coming back relentlessly time and time again, impervious to her attempts to crack it, to break the cycle. So much like the game. 

No.

A cold chill settled through her. She glanced at the back of Garnet's head. It couldn't be, could it? She certainly had a habit of not giving the straightest answer.

But what did it mean? She'd already tried misdirection and it hadn't worked. So what was it? What was Garnet trying to tell her? What was different about this? She'd told her she didn't need to sweep the courts, but though she didn't need to hit the volleyball to score, she still needed to make the hit. She still needed to something.

What had Garnet said? They're a part of you, your memories, your experiences. You need to live past it. Only she could decide what she needed. Ugh! Once again Pearl wished Garnet had just told her how to do this, that she had just given her a straight answer instead of endless impossible puzzles!

Then she realised. That was it. That was what was different about the game.

She'd given up. 

Right at the moment she was going to smash the volleyball into oblivion for the umpteenth time she had stopped fighting, conceding to the apparently impeccable defense. Then... The pieces began to fall into place. She sat, watching Garnet intently. Was this it? Was this what she meant? Was this what she needed to do?

Part of her already knew the answer and she found herself shaking in anticipation, early nerves and cold fear already trying to hold her back. But she already knew she would. One more time. She would have to face her fear.

She hesitated, wondering whether she should tell them. They wanted to help her after all, but she knew that just as she'd faced it alone when it happened, she needed to face this alone too. An audience would be too much. Besides, they had already helped her, so much. She wouldn't have gotten this far without them. 

Steadying breaths cleared her heart and mind. She knew what she had to do.

The others were still engrossed in their game, so before nerves got the better of her she stood and quietly slipped out the door.

The cool gust of air gave Steven pause and he looked around. "Wait, where is Pearl?"

"Outside." The one word sprung Steven to his feet. "She's trying it again," Garnet explained.

"By herself?" Steven exclaimed. "We can't let her do this on her own." He tried to go after her, but Garnet stopped him. 

"No. We have to." 

Pearl summoned the rake and approached the courts in trepidation, still somewhat uncertain at what she was about to do, but pressed on, only slowing enough to listen for signs of anything out of the ordinary, the slightest unaccounted rustle making her twitch around, constantly looking around here and there to reassure herself that nobody else was near as she got closer. They had barely changed from that day, looking so similar as they had, mussed over from the vigorous playing. For a moment it was as though the attack had never happened, that the courts were just that, a place for sport and fun, the site of many many games. 

And a bat. Her breath caught, the memories rushing back filling her mind with pain, fear and desperation she tried to breathe through the tears, reliving those dreaded few moments as fresh and as vividly as the first time, her knees threatening to give out beneath her.

But at the same time she'd been expecting this. She knew they were memories. Her memories. The past. They threatened to overwhelm her but she clung on, her fingers almost so tight as to crack the wooden handle in her grasp. But it stayed firm and unmoving in her hands, this solid piece of reality. Presence. She focused, her mind turning to the texture of the wood, its dips and whorls. In the attack it had been lost from her grasp, but right now they couldn't take it away from her. The attack was over, long since done. It's gone, she reminded herself, trying to slow her breathing, eyes shut, breath by breath, lunging for the calm ebb and flow of the ocean tingling at the edge of her hearing as she instinctively tried to find somewhere else to turn from the pain. 

But she couldn't, the pain simply growing threatening to take over again. Not matter how hard she tried to fight back or run it didn't work: she'd been down this path too many times to count, and it had never worked. She needed to try something different.

This is a memory. She reminded herself. These were her memories. She knew every inch of them, she knew exactly what was going to happen. She knew exactly how it was going to hurt. And she focused, and for the first time since the attack instead of running from the pain, from the memories, she took a deep breath, turned and embraced it, recalling every word, feeling every crack and bruise, the weight on her body and the sand beneath, every stifling action of the gems and their attack, and the helpless terror she had felt as they had broken into her mind. She embraced it all and whatever consequence it held, throwing herself into the rabbit hole willingly.

But instead of being overwhelmed by the experience as she had so many times before, it was as though something was protecting her, a dull barrier that took the edge off, turning the voices muted, the senses tuning out enough to lend her some self awareness, and the more she drew the memories out herself the more distant they came to her, a self aware spectator of her own pain, her own terror and nightmare that had become something else before her. It'd become smaller. It'd become part of her, almost as though she was looking at a broken duplicate of herself, melted and distorted by the imagined echo of another gem. She spoke to it, reaching across her mind.

I know you. You tried to put me down, tried to make me weak, to take over my mind, to cripple me, discredit me. But it didn't work. 

I fell, I hurt. I suffered. And I survived. 

I'm still here.

You failed. Your attack stopped, your marks meaningless and your nightmare over. You thought you beat me, but you're going to have to come up with something a lot better than this to stop me from being a Crystal Gem, because that'll never happen! Not now, not Ever!

She reached out and grabbed hold the strange imagined form before her, her fingers tingling with the familiar warm swirling texture of wood and she knew she was in control here. It still hurt, but she knew it, and it was a part of her. It always would be. But it was a part she would bear.

The pain seemed to dim, and she opened her eyes to see the beach once more, the rake in her hands. She still felt shaken, woozy, her limbs heavy and sluggish but she gathered all her strength to swing the rake round and forward, letting the teeth dig into the sand to catch her breath against it, before she tugged it back towards her, her arms complaining at the overstretch. She repeated the motion, the world becoming clearer around her as again and again the sand turned beneath her tending. She'd done it!

A loud noise, a cry or maybe a cheer from the hilltop made her flinch back and round, the distant sound quickly cut off as her head snapped up towards the lighthouse, scouring the landscape in an attempt to spot its source, her mystery onlookers. But they were nowhere to be seen. Taking a minute to settle her pounding nerves, she set back to work, reassuring herself that it was nothing to worry about. It had sounded rather familiar after all. 

Stroke by stroke her work became easier, and she settled into the rhythm, the gentle tune of rolling sand filling her mind as she focused on the task at hand. She spent the next half-hour peacefully leveling out the courts until she was satisfied with her work, leaving them impeccably smooth, and she leant on the rake to admire her efforts with a tired yet giddy satisfaction.

And if she noticed the others had particularly big grins plastered over their faces when she returned to the house, she didn't mention it.


	25. Confusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl starts to realise all is not as well as it seems.

No-one mentioned that Pearl's nightmares had obviously settled again or that she was smiling more often than not now, but they all knew it and were happy.

Happy enough.

Steven was glad of one less thing to worry about, but days still passed when he pondered Pearl with worry in his eyes. Day by day she built on her improvement, and now a return to Homeschool lay firmly in her sights. They'd tried to sway her into staying away by encouraging her to take more time to recover, even trying to keep her distracted but she'd taken to bypassing their fussing by 'randomly' turning up at inopportune moments.

When Steven spotted her chatting to an unfamiliar gem near the forge his heart leapt into his mouth and he rushed over. 

"...as gems and they all have their own languages, cultures and beliefs. It's quite remarkable." She nattered on, buried happily in her explanation, reminiscent of so many of the lectures he'd received over the years, the new yellow gem (a Citrine, his notes had told him) giving her her full attention, hanging onto every word. "The ones here are considered American, but as humans travel all over their planet you can see and meet people from all over the world right here."

Relief flooded over him. Nothing to worry about, the situation saved by her fascination with humans.

"Of course with the warp pads we can easily go travelling ourselves. You'll be amazed to see all the different places the humans have built and lived in. For a less technologically advanced species they are remarkably imaginative. This planet seems to bring it out in people. Oh hello Steven!" She finally noticed him, welcoming him with a smile and half wave. "Citrine here was just asking about life on Earth. Thought I'd start getting her acquainted with the basics while you were busy."

"Great! That's great! Buuut I'll take it from here. Thank you, byeee!" Steven tried to steer Pearl away towards the warp pad but she wasn't having any of it.

"Oh come now, I'm not exactly busy myself, and I know all about Earth," Pearl announced. "I'm more than happy to fill Citrine in. A day with me and she'll be right up there with the rest of the class. I could do the campus tour at the same time!"

"Actually I wouldn't mind learning more about the gem war," the Citrine asked.

"Well-" 

"That's what lessons are for!" Steven butt in with a nervous laugh. "We have a whole class on gem history."

"Which I used to teach," Pearl pointed out. "Nothing wrong with a one on one lesson, which I'd be delighted to do so for someone so keen."

"Maybe another time? We, ah have to go over..." Steven tried to rack his brain for an excuse to split the gems up, "their lesson schedule!" He grinned, relieved that he'd come up with something believable then realised they were looking at him, expecting something more. "I- ah what?"

"I said 'what about it?'" Pearl repeated.

"Oh. Oh there's a clash. You can't do all of food crafts and team sports. We'll have to figure something else out."

"Oh, I can drop food crafts. To be honest it's not really my thing," Citrine piped up. "I'd love to hear more about the rebellion. I mean, how did Pink Diamond-"

"Aaah!" Steven's abrupt yell deafened the gems into silence, obscuring the rest of the inquiry. Citrine stood back, looking at him in puzzlement, but his attention turned to Pearl as she let out a little gasp and her hand flew to her gem, face contorting in pain. 

Oh no

Oh no no No!

The warnings rushed through his mind. 

'She's still in danger.'

'If Pearl finds out too much about Pink Diamond it could set all this off again. We could still lose her.'

'I saw a Pearl who'd lost so much of herself...'

They couldn't lose her again.

"-ha!" he forced out. "Got you!" He kept going, hamming it up as much as he could trying to make sure it was loud enough for Pearl to hear. Her head jerked up a little and he kept his eyes on her as he spoke. "The others must have told you about their little prank huh?" he bluffed, desperately hoping she would believe him, that she would forget That name was ever mentioned, all the while trying to give the clueless citrine little head nudges to get her to go along with the charade with little success; she just looked even more confused. "Well you can't fool me!" he blustered. Pearl was beginning to blink heavily, but starting to look up, peering through furrowed brows. "Not again at least. Full marks for trying though, so I won't hold it against you." He waved her away. "Head on down to the greenhouse and I'll catch up with you a bit later. It's down there on the right." His attention turned back to Pearl as soon as she was out of sight. "Pearl are you okay?"

"Ugh. My head hurts," she frowned into her hand, "but it'll pass. What happened?"

"You had a funny turn back there. The gem tried to pull a prank but it set you off again. How are you feeling?"

"A prank?" She looked up, still squinting a little against the light.

"Yeah. Sorry about that. The newer gems seem to think it's some sort of right of passage to prank a teacher nowadays," he explained away. "They try it almost every week now."

"But she seemed so nice." 

"Yeah. Generally the rest of us don't mind but I don't think she knew you were off-limits. I'm sorry, I didn't want anything like this to happen. You've been doing so well without stuff like this, and then..."

"It's okay," she reassured him. "No harm done. Just a little tired that's all."

Steven frowned. "What were you doing up here anyway?"

Her face flushed. "I thought that socialising with new gems would be beneficial." Regret tinged her voice with a sigh. "I'd been doing so well with the courts I thought that maybe it was time to move on, try to take the next step. Didn't expect that step to bite back though," she remarked dryly, massaging her forehead.

"I know. But other gems are a whole lot more unpredictable than a pile of sand." The joke didn't seem to cheer her up. "Hey," he called softly, "it was a good idea but next time please don't try something like that on your own." She started to protest but he held up his hands. "At least give us the chance to be there to help you."

"Alright."

"I'll see you back at the beach house yeah?"

He watched her all the way to the warp pad, thoughts rushing through his head. In the silence he became aware of a tight thumping in his chest, his heart pounding furiously fast, his hands shaking too. He did a few breathing exercises to try and steady himself, clear his head.

That had been a close one.

Far too close.

Back at the beach house Pearl laid out across the sofa. Tiredness picked out at her but her thoughts wandered. Another moment, another nightmare simply from talking to a strange gem... She cursed herself getting caught in it but the nagging thoughts chased her, round and round until she finally figured out what was wrong, why her nightmares had set off again.

But that was the thing; it had been nothing like her nightmares. They would be scorched into her memory so clearly it would make the world seem so dull and unfeeling afterwards. Yet even now she could barely remember what had happened, everything fading into a fuzzy blur. Frustration gripped her. How was she supposed to fix this if she didn't even know what had set her off?! A wave of tiredness washed over her and she blinked it away, suddenly afraid that sleep would take the whole incident away from her. Had it done that before? How many sleeps had been something else?

The niggling worry kept her company as she laid there, determined to stay awake until the others got home, frantically trying to remember her task and stave off sleep before it took the questions from her. But the tiredness came in waves, her recollections as fuzzy as her memories before, and slowly but surely her heavy eyes drifted shut and she fell into sleep once more.

When the evening came and he others arrived home, to Steven's relief she made little mention of the incident. It was almost as if she had never left the house, and he made sure to keep it that way.

So their life carried on.

Another day. Pearl was already up and waiting for them in a bright mood.

"Good Morning Garnet!" she chirped, greeting the fusion with particular enthusiasm, "are you ready for our sparring session later?" They'd restarted the exercises in an attempt to keep up their skills. Of course it had the added benefit of keeping Pearl busy and, on occasion, tired, but she was too thrilled to be back in the swing of it (literally) to have noticed. "I was thinking we could try a few joint moves, explore retention of form whilst fusing. Sardonyx has a particularly large range of movement I'm interested in exploring."

"Not today Pearl. I'm busy," Garnet said, barely looking up as she passed by.

"But we've had these sessions planned for weeks, couldn't you-?"

Garnet shook her head. "Something came up."

"Oh." Pearl's face fell. 

"Maybe another time."

"Well, alright then! I'll see you later!" She waved after the fusion as she disappeared out the door. A sticky squelching sound from behind heralded another opening behind her and she swiveled around to see Amethyst in the temple door.

"Oh, Amethyst!" Pearl called out in delight. Perfect. "I was wondering if you were free to help me give the dome a good clean? The panels are beginning to look a bit mucky, and I thought that whilst the two of us could clean it up a treat, Opal would do it much quicker. Wouldn't that be fun?"

"Yeah sounds 'fun' P but really? Cleaning?" Amethyst seemed skeptical. "No thanks. Anyway I say leave it, it seemed fine to me."

"Amethyst, it is going green!"

"So ask Lapis to come give it a wash. It'd take her all of two seconds," and with that Amethyst too disappeared out the door, shouting back, "ten if she takes the 'not going to destroy my perfectly polished swords' water from the car wash!" before Pearl could call her out on it.

The door clicked shut again and Pearl let out a disappointed sigh, rolling to her feet and crossing the floor. She didn't begrudge them their lives but it'd been a while since she had fused, and part of her had even begun to worry she'd forgotten how in the fallout from the attack. But there was still one option left, she'd just have to catch him as he-

"Good morning Steven! How are you feeling today?"

"Good, good." He came over and started rummaging around in the kitchen.

"So I was wondering if you were free this morning? Garnet had to cancel and I thought it might be nice for Rainbow to go see Onion for a bit." He fumbled an apple over the countertop as she talked, fielding it and returning it to his bag. "It's been so long since we have, I'm sure Onion must be missing them. What do you think?"

Steven faltered, racking his brains for an answer. "It's a great idea but..."

"But?" She seemed to sense his hesitation.

"Sorry Pearl, it's just I've got some errands to run around town- it'll probably keep me busy all day. You know how it is!" He tried to make light of it, but anyone could see the disappointment on her face.

"Yes, of course. You do what you need to," she acknowledged. "Well, don't let me keep you!"

"I'll see you later. Bye!" Then he too was gone, the door shut behind him before Pearl got a chance to say goodbye herself, left in the now empty silence of the house.

So, another day to herself. Normally she wouldn't mind, but at least the sparring had given her something to look forward to. She craned her neck and looked outside at the sun streaming in. At least it was a nice day. She didn't fancy being cooped up inside.

After doing a bit of tidying (she could swear Steven was getting messier as he got older) Pearl ventured out into Beach City for a walk, taking in the sights and smells of the boardwalk, the buzz of human life. 

Her trail took her past the arcade, the library, and she found herself out in the suburbs, passing deliberately manicured gardens. She realised she was near Vidalia's place and decided to drop in, see how Onion was doing anyway. Whilst he definitely preferred having Rainbow around, in their absence she was sure he certainly wouldn't mind her visiting and, so long as Vidalia was there, his more alarming habits would be curbed. A bit. 

As she drew near she paused, smiling as she heard the familiar warbling of Onion himself. 

"That's right, always make sure you turn your appliances off at the plug when you finish using them! You don't want to waste electricity. Remember folks; don't settle for standby." 

She froze. She knew that voice. But it couldn't be. They were busy, they were meant to be doing other jobs around town, up at Homeschool. A flash of yellow across the upstairs window confirmed it and Pearl felt something stumble within her. Why were they here? What were they doing? A flutter of anger rose inside her. Why hadn't Steven told her? She already offered to help but he turned her away. And Garnet! Had she cancelled their sparring session for this?! She paced back and forth, drawn between wanting to confront them and not wanting to make a scene. Maybe they had legitimate reasons for doing so. Maybe Sunstone was trying to teach the kid about home safety. The lessons certainly wouldn't go to waste. But why wouldn't they just tell her that was what they were doing? She could have easily joined them. Maybe... Maybe they hadn't known, and got called out to help after they left. But still both of them knew she was free and more than happy to come along and help instead of them having to abandon their plans...

'Something came up.' Had Garnet known? Was this the errand? What were they doing? Her thoughts tumbled over dashing back and forth making her mind ache with it all, a dull panic growing as it echoed the long dark days she'd spent fighting her nightmares. She needed answers.

She found herself by the door and knocked. After a moment she could hear the thunder of footsteps, the calm indistinct voice telling Onion to stay back, dispensing a measured warning about strangers before the rattle of locks came through as they were drawn back. Pearl remembered just in time to put on a smile.

The door opened.

"Pearl!" The shocked look on their face was at least a little bit gratifying.

"Sunstone!" She feigned surprise; "What are you doing here?"

"Agh!" They unfused, Steven already fumbling, coming up to her. "I could ask you the same thing!"

"I was just in the area and I thought I'd pop in. I thought you said you had errands?" she accused him, on edge.

Steven held up his hands. "Listen, I can explain."

"This is an errand," Garnet pointed out.

"Oh, so you just happened to both pop in when Vidalia was out and Onion needed babysitting?" Pearl didn't hold the punches, "because that's hardly likely. Anyway, I thought you were busy Garnet. Is this what you were going to be busy with?"

"It's not her fault," Steven tried to explain, "Vidalia needed a babysitter at short notice, so I offered but you know what a handful he can be sometimes so I asked Garnet to join me."

"I saw that Steven would need my assistance," she added.

"Why not ask me?" Pearl pointed out. "I was free all day. Rainbow would have covered just fine. In fact I could have done the babysitting myself if need be."

"I, I just thought you had other plans today," Steven tried to convince her. "Must have gotten my schedule mixed up."

"You knew I wasn't," Pearl said quietly.

"No, no, it was just a slip up, really," Steven kept trying to make excuses, "besides, Onion wanted to play with Sunstone for a change, isn't that right Onion?"

Pearl felt a tug at her jacket, Onion's small hand on her and the other on Steven and he held them tight, looking between them expectantly, his message loud and clear.

She crouched down, handing the child a coloured shirt from her gem and sending him inside, before returning her attention to the gems before her. "I don't understand." Her voice quivered a little as she spoke, full of hurt. "I'm not a fool. Vidalia's not one to get caught out by last minute babysitting needs, and you," she jabbed a finger at Garnet, "certainly wouldn't have been. But the excuses? Homeschool, errands, just being busy? Is that just your way of saying 'we don't want you here'?"

"Pearl, please-" Steven started.

"If you already had plans, if you knew this was going to happen you could have just told me without going behind my back, without resorting to this," she waved a hand, "deception. So why lie? What aren't you telling me?" They stayed silent, which infuriated Pearl even more than the lies. "Steven? Garnet?!" More silence.

She paced back and forth in a desperate attempt to work off her building frustration. "It's bad enough I've had to put up with all this," she waved at her head, "the nightmares, the attack, everything I've been working through: The last thing I need is you keeping secrets from me as well. We're family." She stepped up to them. "What are you keeping from me?" She let out a huff. "Look whatever it is you can tell me, I can face it. I'm not some weak thing that's going to fall apart at the slightest hint of bad news, just don't keep the truth from me." 

More silence. "Please, it's not difficult! Why were you lying?"

"I even offered to spend the day as Rainbow for this exact purpose, how could you even think I wasn't going to-" She wiped the tears from her face, pacing up and down to silently vent, her mind racing through the mornings conversations, trying to find some hint, some crack in this wall of silence.

She stopped, slowly turning her gaze on them.

"Fusion."

There, the slightest flicker of uncertainty in his eyes. Garnet, Steven, even Amethyst had turned away from her suggestions to fuse. "It's fusion isn't it?" Steven was twitching, trying to look to Garnet for guidance. So she was right. Now she thought about it there had even been one or two other times their own fusions had jumped in to finish a task before she even had a chance to offer her own. No wonder she hadn't fused in so long, but... This still didn't make sense.

"What's going on? Why won't you fuse with me?" 

"Pearl please, we can talk about this later," Garnet finally said.

"Both of you?" she accused them, anger slipping into her voice, "and Amethyst too? That's not a coincidence. Something's up, there's something you're not telling me. Something's wrong."

"No there isn't," Steven tried to placate her, "it's fine everything's fine!"

"Please don't lie to me." 

"We can't fuse with you!" Garnet snapped.

"Why not?!"

A silence fell between them, that drew on longer and longer as they both Steven and Garnet tried and waited for the other to say it, all the while pinned under Pearls unflinching glare.

"Your gem," Garnet finally spoke, "from the attack. What they did, we don't know if it's contagious the same way corruption was. We know there are still parts leftover. Fusing with you might pass it on." Her hand went up to her visor, adjusting it, or hiding away. It lingered too long.

Pearl could barely focus, the quiet grip of terror settling back in. She inhaled, trying to steady herself, reminding herself that she'd said she wouldn't fall apart. Still her voice came out so small. "But I thought you said you fixed it."

"We did," Steven insisted, "but there's the possibility that some of it is still there, waiting to move on, affect someone else."

"We can't risk it. Pearl, we want to be able to fuse with you again, we really do, but until you get the all clear, we can't."

Fusion, the code, her sight. She rubbed her face, hand squeezing across the bridge of her nose as though she could just pull the colour-blindness out, and squeeze the tears back in. Fusions could share so much, and part of her had just so dearly wanted to see again... She thought she had come so far but even the ghost of this cursed affliction they'd left her with still had her tight in its claws and denied her once again. "But that's just a theory right?" Her voice cracked and wobbled all over the place, betraying her turmoil within. "We don't actually know if it can do that! How are we going to know for certain if I don't fuse?"

Garnet and Steven shared another look.

"It's too dangerous," Steven said. "Someone else could get hurt. It could hurt you again. We don't want that." He came closer to offer a hug, some comfort but she kept herself out of reach. "We want to find a way to sort this out properly, maybe even fix a few other things we missed first time around." Her head lifted a little.

"Peridot is looking into it as we speak," Garnet added.

So that's what the green gem was doing. She'd been notably absent these past few weeks, and had kept her firmly locked out when she had visited Little Homeworld.

"It's okay Pearl, you don't need to fuse," Steven tried to reassure her. "Just take it easy for now alright?" She turned her head away. She'd heard that before but still, knowing they were trying to fix this, that they hadn't planned to just leave the rest of the damage undone was reassuring. She just needed to hold on a little longer.

A flash of light made her blink, and Sunstone was stood there once again. 

"You don't need the validation of others to be yourself!"

"I-"

"You can do this Pearl. Besides, Peridot will have it all sorted before you know it."

"Alright," she finally conceded. "I guess I'll see you back at the temple."

The door shut and she stared at it for a moment, her mind still racing. Okay. She'd gotten answers, though certainly not in the way she'd choose or, judging by the look their face, they'd choose either. Discontent stirred within her. Had they really needed to keep this from her? Surely it wouldn't have been too hard to sit her down and explain it after their return. Would she have worried if they had? Perhaps they were just trying to spare her, trying to help her. How much of her recovery would she have managed if she still had this threat hanging over her? Would she have been able to face her nightmares like she had if she'd known? Would she be wandering Beach City so freely without this weight on her mind? She didn't know. 

She sighed. Even if their intent was good, the deception still rankled with her, the way Steven kept trying to pass it off... She knew, more than anyone the cost of secrets, yet these days they rarely had any between them, that trust between them so strong that fusion had become almost as easy as putting on a coat. She looked up, catching sight of the yellow Sunstone reflected in a window across the street. They were watching her from behind the curtains, unaware they'd been seen. 

She left, heading down the street. She could still feel Sunstone's eyes on her back, that uncharacteristically serious frown now uncomfortable scrutiny that she couldn't shake off even after the first corner, or the one after that. Watching for what? What else weren't they telling her? She pushed the thought from her mind and focused on heading home. A clear mind would make more sense of this, and a headache had settled in hers once again. They didn't need to keep this from her! She almost stomped a crack into the pavement as the wave of anger flushed through her, immediately chased through with guilt at her lapse of control. She definitely needed a rest. It was starting to get to her.

She was almost back at the temple when she saw her, stood out on the boardwalk chatting to Crazy Lace Agate.

It couldn't be. The citrine. Exactly as she'd dreamed, exactly as she'd imagined her, her gem, her clothes, even the curl of her hair matched to this figure before her. She blinked. Was she imagining this too? She rubbed her eyes, desperately trying to see if the mirage would pass, but it stayed, laughing and waving on the boardwalk. But, but... No!

She turned and ran back to the temple, not stopping until she was deep inside her room, gazing down at her reflection in the water. 

It couldn't be. First Sunstone, then this?

She thought it had been imagination, but she had been there, she was real so it had to have been real! There was no way she could have imagined the exact same type style and character of gem just off a dream like that. Even the voice was the same and it was not as though she was some sort of Sapphire either, able to see the future. But she was there, she had been there. It had been real.

And Steven. He had been there too. But... That day, when he came back after Homeschool to find her sleeping on the couch it was as though he hadn't seen her out that day at all- He'd even joked she'd slept in all day without realising, his words consigning a memory to dreams and imagination. But why? Why would he do that if he knew the truth? Why would he lie? It wouldn't be the only time either, Sunstone was proof of that.

Now she thought of it the incessant requests for her to stay home took a more sinister tone, their unusually stubborn insistence that she had a chaperone, their attempts to keep her away from Homeschool all added up to the same answer, but why? Why were they trying to keep things from her? What was it for? What were they trying to hide? What was going on? And what had actually happened that day?

She gasped as the walls seemed to close in around her, the temple and house beyond seeming as cold and uninviting as the labyrinth of tunnels around her. No! She pinned her eyes shut, frantically searching for the explanation, trying to understand. I'm tired, over thinking this, she told herself. They wouldn't do that, there has to be some rational explanation. She looked at her dull reflection and reached down, fingertips tracing under the eyes, the jostling water turning the image into a broken collage as it jumped and sloshed in the ripples.

Perhaps... perhaps she had seen her somewhere else, the new gem, noticed her without realising, her subconscious mind spewing out dreams with discarded thoughts, still tired from the attack. Perhaps it was simply imagination, and she was just on edge from finding Sunstone as she had. But she could have sworn it was real, that it had happened, but when she tried to recall exactly what had happened her mind slipped and slid around the memories.

Just like they would from a dream. She sighed, letting it slide away, to take the worry with it.

But her gem. They said was fixed. They said it had been fixed.

It had been.

And it hadn't.

Pearl let the water settle once more, watching her own reflection return into view, staring intently as though she could get the answers she sought from herself, thoughts running wild through her mind. 

They were just trying to help, they were just trying not to worry me, she tried to reassure herself. Yet the same unease, the same doubt still stayed with her, niggling at the back of her mind. They had come clean to her, they had admitted to her they'd been keeping her from fusing and that they hadn't told her why. It hurt, yes, and she understood why but even that nagged at her, leaving this disquieted feeling that all was not right. They had lied. They didn't need to do that, yet they still did. 

As her thoughts tumbled over and over in her mind, playing the scene out again and again, trying to make sense of the pieces one thought rose to the surface with such weight she could no longer ignore it, despite the gnawing worry it brought. No matter how much she wanted to.

She looked at herself, deep worried eyes asking one question:

What are they trying to hide?


	26. News

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gems receive some news and have a disagreement.
> 
> TW medical consent.

The TV had been lugged down to the center of the living room, Steven preparing snacks whilst Amethyst was busy turning the corner into a meticulously stacked den of pillows. The door bounced off the wall as Peridot burst in clutching a green DVD, sending the carefully balanced fort crashing down.

"Heeyyy! Who's ready for the Camp Pining Hearts Movie?" 

"Yeah!" Steven's cheer was echoed by a muffled Amethyst as Pearl and Garnet walked in from the Temple. "Guys! You here for movie night?"

"It's only the long-awaited direct to DVD movie special episode of Camp Pining Hearts, and I heard a rumour that one of the campers proposes! Who could it be? You'll never know! Unless..." Peridot wiggled the box in front of them.

Garnet adjusted her visor, then leant forward and pushed the box down, towering over the green gem. "I can see hundreds of possible futures, including every single one of the possible combinations the makers could have come up with to create this one movie. I can see all the twists, the turns and all the subtext and, armed with the extensive knowledge of all that has come before, calculate the most probable path they chose and determine exactly what lies within that disc before it even reaches the player," she declared, leaving a resounding silence behind her. "Or I could just watch the movie." She plonked herself down on the sofa, and as an afterthought gave a thumbs up.

"Yeah!" The others piled on with her, bouncing around to try and secure the best spots.

Steven looked up "Pearl! You gonna join us?" he asked hopefully. "There's room for one more..." He patted the seat beside him.

Pearl chuckled. "Not me I'm afraid, I've got to get to art class. We're doing landscapes tonight out on Brooding Hill."

"Aw nice," Amethyst said. "Have fun P!"

"Are you going to walk up?" A nod. Steven smiled. "Well look after yourself. You can always give me a call if you want a lift back."

"Alright. I'll see you later." She waved and headed out.

"Soo... Art classes huh?" Peridot enquired politely. "That's new."

"Yeah!" Steven explained. "She's been trying a few. Vidalia has been really good at working with her colour blindness, even encouraging her to make use of it."

"The human? We have a perfectly good class up at Homeschool you know," Peridot pouted, folding her arms as she turned away.

"Yeah, and it's great but you also have a lot of gems up there," Steven pointed out. "At least in a human class it's a lot less likely they're going to randomly start asking her about," he paused, making sure Pearl was well out of earshot, "Pink Diamond."

"You still having problems with that?"

Steven nodded. "We've already had a few close calls. So far we've managed to play it down each time and it seems to pass, but the more it happens the more she remembers and it gets harder to convince her it's not real. Not when she feels like she's heard those excuses before." Steven sighed. "It's stacking up. I'm worried that sooner or later she'll simply hear the name and that'll set everything off by itself. It's a scary thought."

"At least she won't be triggered by anything she sees," Amethyst said glibly, waving a hand in front of her eyes. "No pink." She grabbed a handful of popcorn and shoved it in her mouth, spraying crumbs everywhere as she spoke. "The one thing those gems did that's actually useful for a change."

Silence. Pearl would rebuke her, but none of them had the heart to. She was right after all. 

"I just wish we could know she was safe," Steven said wistfully. "I just hate the thought that any time she goes off like this something could set it off and we'd lose her. She'd lose us." She would forget me. He fidgeted, part of him wanting to go out and retrieve Pearl from the night then and there.

"But- wait," Peridot glanced towards Garnet, incredulous, "Garnet, didn't you tell them? I did manage to get it working after all."

"Garnet, what is she talking about?" Steven looked between them, Amethyst sat up beside him.

"She's not ready," Garnet insisted through grit teeth.

"Not ready for what?" Steven pressed.

"The undo-y device. You know, the one I made that gets rid of the rest of that code," Peridot explained, Steven gaping at her in confusion. "I gave it to Garnet a couple of weeks ago." Silence fell between them as Steven levelled his gaze at Garnet.

"What device?" His voice was cold, steely, and Peridot withdrew a little, backing away from where she was caught between the three gems. "Why didn't you tell us about this? Garnet," he implored, "if there's some way we can finally fix this, to protect her..."

"Steven, it's not that simple. Look." Garnet held out her hands and in a flash a metal ring with coiled wires appeared between them, attached to a small tablet. She held it up. 

"That's the one," Peridot affirmed with quiet reverence.

"To make any changes we'd need to go into her gem again. But we weren't able to figure out a way to do that remotely," Garnet explained as she turned the contraption over in her hands.

"Yet," Peridot hastily tacked on. "I'm still looking for alternatives."

"Oh, so is it some sort of robot we send into Pearls gem?" Steven seemed optimistic. "In that case we just have to take it in ourselves. That's not so difficult, just talk to Pearl and-"

"Uh it's a little more complicated than that-" Peridot started but Steven didn't seem to hear.

"Why didn't you tell us about this sooner?" He broke into a grin. "This is brilliant! We finally have a way to put this right!"

"No we don't. We can't use it." Garnet put out his enthusiasm. 

"Why not?"

"It's too risky."

"Risky? But if we can fix this, if we can help Pearl we have to at least try!" Steven turned to Peridot. "You said it could get rid of the code for good right?"

"In theory," Peridot clarified. "I've been very thorough in my research but there's still only an seventy to eighty percent chance that it works as intended."

"Those are good odds right?"

"Not really," Garnet answered.

"Well they can be improved if we're careful:" Peridot considered thoughtfully, "the remaining thirty percent takes account of the potential of total memory loss, loss of functionality, shattering," she announced nonchalantly as confusion turned to grimaces, "anything from going through the wrong bit of gem at the wrong time really. But we can reduce a significant proportion of that by entering in at the same points as before. That's why I've adjusted the design as close to the original as possible. In theory any potential damage would already be done. We certainly don't want to make it worse." A deadly quiet fell over them. "Oooh, perhaps we should have mentioned the potential shattering first," Peridot whispered to Garnet.

"Um Peridot," Steven's voice almost squeaked as it shook. "You said same as before, you don't mean going in like...?"

"She does," Garnet confirmed.

"Physically," Peridot answered. "Yes. Whilst a more remote connection would be preferable, a gem is an incredibly complex and difficult to access unit, carrying a much greater information density than even the human brain. It would be very difficult to access the appropriate parts without this admittedly crude shortcut."

"Oh," Amethyst realised what they were getting at. "Oh no." 

Garnet handed him the device and he took a closer look, finally seeing the tiny spikes spaced out around the edges glinting as they fell free from their slots in the ring.

"To use it we'd have to drill into her gem again," she said, "like they did in the first place."

"What?" He stared dumbfounded, eyes beginning to water as his fingers traced across the dangling spikes. "No, but we- it can fix this..."

"Oh, oh we are not doing that," Amethyst insisted. "Nope, no way. Uh-uh. That thing is not going on her, it's not going anywhere near her right Garnet?" Amethyst looked to Garnet to back her up, but she stayed silent, studying the ring of metal in her hand. "Garnet? After everything she's been through surely we are not going to mess her around in the head again."

"But... Isn't that going to hurt?" Steven stared at the drills, semi-stunned.

Garnet retrieved the device from him. "We're not going to use it. She's not ready. I was only keeping it as failsafe in case Pearl had a relapse, insurance until we found a better solution."

"Yeah, well I haven't been able to come up with an alternative yet," Peridot said.

"In the meantime we just have to do what we're doing now: keep her safe." With a flash the device disappeared back into her gem, gone as quickly as it had appeared. "She doesn't need to know about this."

"Huh. Business as usual then," Amethyst clapped Steven on the back. "Dude don't worry about it."

"But-"

"Alright, movie time!" Peridot set the disc going, the TV springing into life and drowning out his protests.

Steven stared at the screen his mind elsewhere. They had a way to fix it, get rid of this nightmare that had been plaguing Pearl since the attack. His healing, none of their efforts inside her gem had done anything more than superficial fixes, but now... This could all be over. And yet... All those nightmares she'd come shuddering and sobbing out of she'd have to face once more. But she had faced them, and even better than that she was able to quash them more and more frequently and was getting stronger by the day. If she could do that, surely she could face this too? In fact if she knew what she was doing it for, he was sure she'd even choose to do it to finally be fully free of the gems attack. She'd been fighting this for so long... Besides what was the alternative? Wait? The longer they waited the more likely it was that they had to use it anyway. He had to say something. But how?

Somebody elbowed him, snapping him back to the present.

"It's not going to last forever though is it?" he said in a daze. The TV went dark, the gems attention once more on him as he sat there with the remote. "All it could take is one slip of the tongue, an accidental overhearing of something she shouldn't and she could lose everything. If we're not there, or if Garnet can't get to her in time... We still lose her." He paused. "We have to do it. We have to use it."

"What? No, no way. You've seen that thing, you saw what those goons did to her and what it Did to her. We are not doing that too," Amethyst argued.

"We don't have to do anything," Garnet said.

"Except we do don't we?" Steven pointed out. "We all know what the alternative could be!"

"We don't know that will happen," Garnet countered. "There are many possible futures-"

"But you've seen it, it is possible and the longer we wait the more likely it will happen. And if it does how do we know it won't come back in a way we can't stop it? Everything Pearl is, is riding on this. We have to do this. We can't leave her life to chance like that, we can't afford to gamble the rest of her memories away just because we don't like the method."

"She's not ready for it," Garnet insisted.

"Then when will she be? Tomorrow? The day after? In a week, a month, years?" He waved his hands in exasperation. "She won't be ready for it if she has that relapse you were talking about, and we'd use it then."

"Only because there would be no other choice."

"Well maybe we should let her have that choice," Amethyst said. "Steven's got a point. She definitely won't be ready if she doesn't know about it." They looked to Amethyst. "Sure, I don't like it but does that really matter? It's what Pearl thinks that does. Does she want to do this?" Amethyst pointed out. "We don't know because we haven't asked her. Maybe we should."

"We can't tell her, it's too risky," Garnet insisted. "It's dangerous enough you found out."

"Why? We have to do something!" Steven cried.

"We can't!" Garnet repeated, "if we tell her and she finds out the truth it'll start attacking her again and we'd have to use it anyway. There'll be no point, no choice at all! We can't risk it."

"Yeah, we get it- it's dangerous!" Amethyst huffed. "But Pearl has been in danger since the start. So we know we can't tell her everything because mention Pink Diamond and Bloop! Memories gone, but what if we only tell her part of it? At least enough for her to know this exists and it can help her," Amethyst tried to compromise. "It'd be better than lying outright."

"No, it's still too risky." Garnet stood and began pacing.

"But-" Steven started.

"I said no!" The floorboards creaked and cracked under the force of her words, the house shaking a little around them.

"No," his voice was cool, a strange calmness over him. There had been a time he'd never have dreamed of defying Garnet, yet here he was. "'No'? Where does that get us?" he asked.

"Steven," Amethyst warned as a wave of heat started to emanate from the fusion. It didn't help.

"Garnet, we can't just leave her like she is," he implored, "not now. She's getting worse. We've already had too many close calls. You saw what she was like the other day, she knows something's up."

"Wait what?" Amethyst looked between them, but they had their own thoughts.

Garnet's hung her head. "She's not ready."

"But she's never going to be ready is she?" Steven said pointedly into silence. "Even if we try to tell her the truth, we're never going to be able to tell her everything she needs to know to make this decision properly."

Garnet sighed. "Exactly. That's why we can't tell her."

"So what? We're just going to leave her in the dark over this?" Amethyst huffed. "That's hardly fair on her after everything that's happened."

"No, of course not," Steven said, "and we can't do nothing either: it's too important to be left to chance. We have to make the call."

"It's obvious- give her the chance to decide," Amethyst reiterated. "We have to tell her about this."

"She can't know!" 

"No," Steven declared, stunning them into silence. "But we can. We do. We have a responsi-"

"Woah!" Peridot's exclamation made them jump. They'd forgotten she was there. She stepped away, hands in the air. "Okay! You clearly have a lot to talk about, so uh... I'm just going to leave you to it. We can watch the movie another time." She slowly backed away, then turned and disappeared out the door at a run, a gust of wind sneaking in and swirling around the house with a chill.

Amethyst turned to Steven. "Steven, don't tell me you're saying-"

"If she can't make the decision then it's up to us," he stated eye to eye, determined to make his point.

"Whoa, no. That's crazy! No! We can't do that. This has got to be her choice." 

"How? Why? She can't choose! Not properly."

"We don't have the right to do that to her," Garnet added.

"But Garnet you've already said we'd be doing it anyway! At this point it's just a case of deciding when: before or after she loses more of her memories. I know which I'd choose."

"I didn't-" Garnet started but Steven cut her off again.

"You know I'm right- if she had a relapse we'd have no other choice anyway so why wait? Why take the risk that she loses all her memories when we can finish this, when we can have this over and done with?"

"Steven," Amethyst started, "we can't-"

"Why can't we just fix this?!" he bellowed, tears coming to his eyes.

"Steven," Amethyst said calmly, "we get it. Believe me. None of us want Pearl to keep suffering from this any longer than we can help it. Ah!" she cut him off before he could interrupt. "But Pearl is her own person. She has to make her own decisions, especially with something as important this."

"But she can't," Steven said through his tears. "She isn't herself is she? Not with that code in her, not with losing her memories, not with everything that's happened..." Steven faltered, wiping his face.

"Look," Amethyst said, "if she isn't able to make her own decision on this it's only because we've been keeping it from her. We need to-"

"We can't tell her," Garnet repeated.

"Don't you start," Amethyst snapped, "you're on thin ice an' all. Don't forget you kept this secret from us too!" She sighed. "Look, Pearl isn't herself, but using that thing won't fix her; she lost those memories already. Everything those gems did to her has happened, and nothing will take that away."

"Which is why we should only use it if absolutely necessary," Garnet added.

"Hang on," Steven said, "if someone told you you were losing your memories, and you could do something to stop losing more, would you do that?"

"Well yeah," Amethyst said.

"See, this is-" he started.

"-why we need to tell her. Yeah!" Amethyst waved at this. "Look! Steven didn't even have to mention what she'd forgotten, so neither do we. We don't have to tell her everything, but we have to tell her something. We owe her that much. We owe her that choice. It might be dangerous but it's possible. She might say yes, then we'd not have to worry about any of this anymore! Surely it's worth a try?"

"Except there is another possibility," Garnet said. "She could choose to forget." 

They contemplated the idea, a moan of wind passing outside as the first few drops of rain began to tap against the roof.

"That might not be a bad thing."

"Amethyst!" Steven gasped. "No! It'd be awful! She'd- she-"

"What? With everything that's happened I wouldn't blame her. You saw her in there. The attack, everything that's happened with Rose... I wouldn't blame her if she wanted to forget all of that pain. And it would be her choice."

"Except it's not just pain. She loved her, she would never choose to give her up," Steven insisted. "She couldn't."

"She loved Rose," Amethyst corrected. "I can't be the only one who's seen how much happier she's been recently. Well, maybe happy isn't the right word, but without her memories of," she whispered, " _Pink Diamond_ , she's certainly a lot less uptight."

"And less confident," Steven observed. "I wouldn't call that a good thing."

"It isn't," Garnet muttered.

"But if that's what she wants to be, then we should let her do that too," Amethyst said. "It's a choice, and it has to be her choice."

"No." Garnet shut her down. "Everywhere I look, there's too many-" she cut off, leaning forward clutching at her head and letting out a little grunt. "I see the same thing over and over again. Too many times to all be born of accident. You wanted to know why I didn't tell you. Well I saw this! Every word, every little thing we tell her brings her closer to disaster. What you're suggesting is no exception. We can't do this!"

"You don't understand," said Steven.

"I understand perfectly." Garnet reached forward grabbed the two of them and brought them close, knocking their heads together with a hollow 'bonk'. But before they could complain, she leant down and planted a kiss on them both.

They were stood in a kindergarten, dull and grey. Before them the walls stood stacked with holes from the gems that were made here. They seemed to stretch up for miles, almost blocking out the light of the sky above. 

Up ahead they could hear a familiar voice muttering away, and as they came around the corner there was Pearl, idly sweeping away at the dirt.

She didn't seem to notice them, working back and forward, and Steven stared struggling to parse this strange version of this person he knew, his gut telling him there was something deeply, terribly wrong. It took him a moment to realise why. She looked tatty, frayed edges to her clothes, unnoticed patches of dirt all over her from the plumes of dust that jumped up from the piles on the floor. Her clothes had changed too, the shoulder jacket traded out for a longer version that swept down to her knees. But that wasn't the worst of it. Not that the fact she was shifting the same pile of dirt back and forth, or that she was doing this randomly in the middle of this deary and otherwise empty canyon.

It was that the star was gone.

"Pearl," Garnet called softly, "you've got guests."

"Hm?" She blinked, looking up. "Oh. Hello." The attention moved back to the dirt at her feet. Back and forth, back and forth.

"Pearl you should say hello."

"I did, didn't I?" She paused, frowning deeply, and took another look at her visitors. "Didn't I? Sorry. Hello," she repeated. "Oh, quartz. Erm," her gaze focused on Amethyst. "Blue..." She slipped back into her muttering, hands wringing around the broom.

"It's Amethyst," Amethyst gently corrected her. 

"Oh. Oh yes. 'Course. An amethyst." 

"No, just Amethyst."

She paused, blurted out ‘You're treading mud through the house again’ then wandered away, as though nothing had happened.

"Wait Pearl!" Amethyst called after her.

"Hmm?"

"You remember the beach house right?"

She hovered there, barely blinking. "What house?"

Steven stepped up. "The beach house, my house, our house." She looked at him blankly. "Come on Pearl, it's me, do you remember me?"

She kept staring a while until Garnet gave her a little nudge. "It's Steven."

"Steven." She frowned, puzzling over the name. "Steven. I ah, um..." His face fell. "Sorry. It doesn't ring a bell. It's nice to meet you though."

"Wait, you don't remember me at all? Not even a little bit?"

She shook her head. "Sorry, am I supposed to?" She seemed sincere, vaguely concerned, but that was all. "My memory's not what it was."

"You don't remember us? Our past? Your past?" She shook her head. "Not even how you fought beside mom in the rebellion, how you faked Pink Diamonds shattering and alone on Earth even after all the other gems were corrupted?" More shaking. "Or how mom fell in love with dad and gave up her form to give birth to me? You don't remember how you taught me to use my powers, all those missions, or when we finally managed to cure the corrupted gems and bring peace across the galaxy by going to Homeworld and getting the Diamonds to change their ways? Don't you remember any of it?"

"No." The simple answer brought tears to Steven's eyes. "I'm sorry. It sounds like quite an impressive story though," Pearl said, "I'd be happy to hear it sometime, if you're willing to tell me."

Steven took a moment to realise she should have an answer through his shock. "Of course I will, for you."

She smiled, seemingly thrilled with the prospect. "Oh just let me finish tidying up first." With that she went back to her sweeping and stayed there, moving back and forth.

Steven watched her a while, waiting for her to come back. "Pearl?"

"Hm? Oh guests! Hello! Just give me a minute." She kept sweeping. 

His eyes watered. "She can't-" Garnet's hand rested on his shoulder and the image began to blur, taking them back to the beach house, stood in front of the temple door with its gem studded star. But as they watched it changed, the white oval of Pearls pearl fading away, leaving a lopsided space behind.

With that the magic was gone, Steven and Amethyst stumbling apart complaining about the bumps on their heads. 

"That should answer your questions," Garnet declared, as the two of them took stock.

"Future vision." Steven rubbed his head. It felt heavy, aching with more than just the bump as the rain started pouring down outside.

"I didn't realise it could get that bad," Amethyst said. Garnet nodded grimly.

"Right now all that is standing between us and that future is Pearl knowing about Pink Diamond, knowing about her missing memories."

"But that proves it," Steven said. "We have to go in!" 

Amethyst let out an exasperated sigh. "Dude, we've already been over this: we can't do that."

"Why not? We can't leave her like this forever, It's not fair!"

"What choice do we have? There's nothing we can do!" Amethyst huffed.

"Then you agree we don't tell her," said Garnet.

"No! Well..." Amethyst backtracked, "yes but I still don't like it."

"What?" Steven looked at her aghast. "But you were just saying about how she needs to make the choice herself right? That she needs to know."

"Yeah, we shouldn't have lied to her, but-"

"She can't know," Garnet finished.

"You don't know that!" Steven shouted, almost lighting his powers but he caught himself, pulling himself together to address the fusion. "Garnet, you've been wrong before."

"Not about this. We have to tread carefully. You've seen what can happen. It's not worth the risk."

"But Amethyst is right, we can't keep lying to her, not forever. We have to at least tell her, right Amethyst?"

"I don't know anymore Steven, I-" Amethyst shuffled, "I want to help but I don't want that for her. Not that future."

"Possible future. Garnet you told me once that we can still choose our futures. Surely there has to be some way of doing this right." He watched as Garnet went to answer, then stopped. Oh no. That was never good. "There is no easy answer is there?" he realised. No wonder she was so tetchy. His heart panged for her for a moment, to see all the ways Pearl could lose her mind... It couldn't be easy having future vision all the time. He sighed. "Fine, but I'm not going to sit around and do nothing whilst that thing is still messing around in her head. I know you don't like it, but we need to use it, for her."

"Steven, it has to be her choice," Amethyst said.

"So give her the chance!"

"She's not ready," Garnet repeated for what felt like the umpteenth time. "Enough. This is getting us nowhere."

"This is crazy! We have to do something!" Steven cried. "Every day we don't is another day wasted, another day we risk losing her! You heard her! She already knows something is up. It's only a matter of time before she finds out the truth."

"The truth will destroy her."

"So will lies! So will doing nothing and pretending everything is fine and sunny and it's not! It's awful and hard and terrible and none of this should have happened in the first place." Steven fell silent, shoulders heaving, tears streaming down his face. "Please," he begged, "at the very least she needs to know. She'd understand, I'm sure of it. We could finally fix this."

"We don't have the right to do that!" Garnet stood fists clenched. 

"Do you want her to stay like this?"

"Of course I don't. But we can't force this, it's not right."

"Please, we have to at least tell her. Tell her it's going to fix her sight or something. She doesn't need to know about the rest of it."

"No!" Amethyst said. "No more lies. When I said tell her part of it, I meant part truth."

"But-"

"A right decision based on a lie will always be the wrong decision," Garnet said.

"So something else then. But we have to try," Steven repeated. "Come on Amethyst! You were all for telling her earlier!"

"I know but..."

"She needs to know about this, even if we don't tell her everything," Steven persisted. "Garnet, you saw what she was like with Sunstone. She's already suspicious."

"No, it's too risky. She's got enough to worry about as it is."

"Amethyst?"

"Euuggghh I've got a headache. Can't we just like worry about this tomorrow?"

"Come on, we have to at least give her the option. If she says yes we can try and use it, if she says no,"

"Which she will," Garnet said, her arms crossed.

"-then we wait until Peridot finds a better way to fix it, or she changes her mind," Steven offered. "It's the least we can do."

"No. It's not happening."

"At least let her have the choice!" he insisted.

"No!"

"We can't keep her in the dark forever!"

"I said no Steven. My decision is final!" Garnet snapped.

"Please, we need to tell her!" Steven cried in frustration.

The door banged open making them jump. As one they turned to see Pearl stood in the doorway, outlined by the falling rain. She took a step forward, slowly raising her head to fix them all with a guarded, steely look.

"Tell me what?"


	27. Refusal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl confronts the gems

It had still been on her mind as she walked. Sunstone, the fusion out looking after Onion when she'd explicitly offered to do so herself. Yes she understood why, but it still nagged her that they hadn't just told her in the first place. They knew she was getting better, they knew she'd understand. Yet they still lied. And that gem, the Citrine... It couldn't be coincidence, but coincidence about what? The answer to the mystery eluded her. 

She inhaled, and exhaled as she felt herself tense, letting the gentle smells of the ocean air soothe her. The breeze picked up, snatching at the shore as sand turned to woodwork beneath her feet, taking her past Funland and towards the hill beyond town.

She was getting better, she reminded herself. She'd even noticed how much less she was getting bothered by her sight, almost feeling guilty at the times she came to realise she'd barely noticed it after long swathes of being busy. She briefly wondered if that was part of why she'd joined this class, wanting to keep hold of reminder of what she'd had. But no. 

She'd gotten to the edge of town when her mobile buzzed, a late text come through cancelling due to weather, moving the class to tomorrow instead. Suddenly the whole evening beckoned her. She could head back, join the others in watching the movie. But they weren't expecting her back, and it was nice enough outside for now. To her left she could finish her walk up the hill or, to the right a stroll round the bright lights of Funland and the rest of the town was on offer. She could even head up to the lighthouse for some quiet reading. But she kept walking, finding herself back on the beach, feet almost automatically taking her to the edge of the volleyball courts, an idea in mind. Sure enough they were covered in lumps and gouges, the still semi-decent weather being taken advantage of before Beach city plunged deep into the throes of its autumn and winter. She smiled, her gem glowing as she went to draw out the rake, practice having made this one task so much easier over the past few weeks.

_Rustle._

The light flicked out, the rake disappearing as she turned at the noise, tense and on edge as she hunted around for the culprit, hand raised to pull her spear instead. She bit her tongue, holding off the urge to call out. No-one was near, the closest hiding place the ocean itself. She was safe. 

Still her heart pounded, her nerves trying to get the better of her yet again. Breathe in, breathe out. She got the rake out this time, determined to set to work, get back to normal. 

_Normal._

Her mind shifted, flicking back to finding Sunstone in that house, exactly where they shouldn't have been.

_Normal._

The Citrine, plucked from her memories and dropped out onto the boardwalk.

Normal.

Light filled her vision and she flinched, for a brief moment thinking someone was approaching. But after a few tense moments she realised no-one was there and she was just jumping at shadows, the brief flashes of light from distant cars. She huffed and buried the rake in the sand, dragging it towards herself and watching the sand turn between the tines, rolling and flipping in and out of the light in an almost hypnotizing swirl. As she stared the flashes of yellow filled her vision, turning over and over and jumping between Sunstone, the Citrine, the bat. The world seemed to flinch around her and she faltered, biting back a gasp as the whirring drills echoed round her mind, once again. She focused, fighting to hold it off, push it back so she could finish the task at hand. She could fight it off, she'd done it before. But her thoughts felt like treacle and it kept crawling in, the weight of it piling on top of her and threatening to bury her once more. 

No, no! She tried to call out, frozen in place yet again, terror at terror. She'd been done with this, she'd gotten over this, it shouldn't it couldn't-

Cold water dashed off her face, startling her back to the present, a singular drop from the clouds above that stung as it parted. It happened again, and again, dotting muted divots into the sand all around her as the rain began to fall in earnest. 

Rain. She almost laughed in relief. The chill she'd felt, the unsettled rustling were simply symptoms of the approaching weather and nothing more, her nerves getting the better of her. 

There was little call for sweeping now so she retreated under the house, mindful to dry off a bit before heading inside. The others wouldn't appreciate her having to mop up after herself, the noise interrupting their marathon. 

She listened carefully to see if she could work out where they'd gotten to, but instead of the of the jazzy background tunes and over-dramatic tones of the movie she heard them talking, no sign of the TV at all. That was odd. She expected them to have started by now. Steven's raised voice filtered down through the floorboards.

"Well we can't leave her like this forever, It's not fair!"

Her stomach lurched. Her. They were talking about her. The fusion problem no doubt.

"What choice do we have? There's nothing we can do," Amethyst huffed. Pearl wanted to reach out, tell them it was okay, that they didn't need to worry about her.

"Then you agree we don't tell her," Garnet's words dropped like cold lead into her stomach, reinforcing the same doubts that still plagued her about Sunstone, and the Citrine, their misdirection and cover-ups.

"Tell me what?" Pearl whispered to herself, leaning closer.

Her heart leapt as Amethyst said no, dropping away as she switched around. "-but I still don't like it." Amethyst. A flush of disappointment rushed through her. So she was in on it too. But then again what surprise was that?

"We shouldn't have lied to her, but-"

"She can't know," Garnet finished.

She stopped, wondering if she'd misheard. That was Garnet. Garnet... 

Can't know? What was she on about? Garnet wasn't one to choose her words loosely, but why can’t they tell her, and what? She should just ask. After the incident with the communications hub the two of them were always able to be open and honest with each other, to trust each other with their thoughts and fears. They knew what the cost of deception was more than anyone else. But here they were, with the Citrine, now this: they hadn't told her about the fusion worries until she'd caught them red-handed, and she'd had to press them for even that.

She shifted, eyeing up the floorboards above her as she tried to figure out where they were and get herself into a better position to hear, hoping to make sense of all of this.

"You don't know that!" Fortunately Steven's shout came through loud and clear. "Garnet, you've been wrong before."

"Not about this. We have to tread carefully. You've seen what can happen. It's not worth the risk."

"But Amethyst is right, we can't keep lying to her, not forever. We have to at least tell her, right Amethyst?"

So she was right. They were still keeping something from her, burying her in layers of lies.

"I don't know anymore Steven, I-" Amethyst said, "I want to help but I don't want that for her. Not that future."

What future? What were they talking about? What was Garnet, Garnet of all people, keeping from her? She was so close to the truth, she could feel it.

"I'm not going to sit around doing nothing whilst that thing is still in her head."

Pearl gripped the nearest wooden support and clung on as the world seemed to shift around her, blurring and buzzing in her head. A hazy memory of Steven's delighted face swam to the fore: 'But we managed to stop it!' he'd claimed, 'it's gone!'

It was gone.

'Still in her head'. 

It was gone.

They'd stopped it.

They'd left it behind.

It was gone.

_Lies._

Her head reeled, trying to make sense of it all.

"Steven, it has to be her choice," Amethyst said, her voice barely making it through the dizzying haze that filled her mind. She didn't want this. She never wanted this.

"So give her the chance!" The shout helped her focus, pulled her attention back to the argument above.

"She's not ready." Not ready for what? A chill ran down Pearls back at Garnet's words, nothing to do with the pouring rain coming down around her. 

"Enough. This is getting us nowhere." Garnet almost seemed to have finished the discussion then and there, a surprisingly large drop of disappointment as she doused Pearls hope for explanation, any revelation of the secrets the three were keeping from her.

"This is crazy! We have to do something!" Steven cried, "every day we don't is another day wasted, another day we risk losing her! You heard her! She already knows something is up. It's only a matter of time before she finds out the truth."

"The truth will destroy her." 

For a few seconds it felt like her mind blanked out entirely, rendered incapable of thought or comprehension. 

She had always been brave, or at least tried to be, for Rose, for the Crystal Gems, for Steven. She had been afraid before: when Steven gave himself up to Homeworld, missing for all those weeks; she'd been afraid in the midst of battles with unwelcome odds, when she found herself unwillingly separated from Rose; she'd been afraid when Homeworld began to return to Earth after so many years of peace. And she had faced all of that anyway. But this? Here? 

This was home, her family: Steven with his big heart, always seeing the best in gems, Amethyst with her free spirit, growing up so much more confident and less abrasive than she used to be. And Garnet, who she'd know the longest. Who she'd lived through the war with. Who she'd always known and looked up to, trusting her to guide them through with her future vision, leading them when Rose had gone... 

Garnet, who had always valued the truth of things.

She trusted her to lead them, to know what to do. Garnet rarely spoke idly and would never lie, though there were times she settled for omission. The idea that there was something else going on, something so bad that they hadn't told her about it, that they believed they couldn't tell her about it, terrified her.

Because it meant that Garnet would have lied.

She already had. 

Secrets. More secrets. She felt sick. 'The truth will destroy her.' What could be so bad that Garnet would believe such a thing? What could she see that she could be so sure of it and would rather lie to her? They didn't keep things from each other.

Her head ached, taking her back to the attack and reeling out all the fears and painful memories she'd thought she'd passed on by. Her mind filled with questions, overlapping and entangling, flooding her thoughts with confusion. The attack, the gems, her nightmares, the reassurances, the messages... Sunstone, the citrine, lies... With everything that'd happened, she didn't know what to think anymore.

"Garnet, you saw what she was like with Sunstone. She's already suspicious."

"No, it's too risky. She's got enough to worry about as it is."

"Amethyst?"

"Euuggghh I've got a headache. Can't we just like worry about this tomorrow?"

No. Not tomorrow. She needed answers. She flung herself out into the rain, quickly getting soaked through as she climbed up to the house, and pausing behind the door, hesitating a moment, one last uncertainty hovering around her as she wondered if this was the right thing to do.

"We need to tell her!"

Invitation. She swept in. "Tell me what?" Pearl looked around them one by one, each caught in various states of horrified guilt. It was almost gratifying. "Steven? Amethyst?" She turned slowly to their leader. "Garnet?" 

They shifted in the silence.

"I heard you. I know you've been lying to me, trying to keep something from me. Something important." That gem, the memories, fusion, Sunstone... "What?" She folded her arms. "I'm not leaving until I know." Another thought occurred to her. "Alright, I'll go ask Peridot, or one of the other gems-"

"No!" they cried in unison, flinching forward as she reached for the door.

"So tell me!" Silence again. "Well if you're not going to tell me I'm going to make sure I find out the truth somehow."

"Pearl we already told you, we can't fuse with you."

"I already know that. 'We can't keep lying to her'," she mimicked. "I heard you. I saw you watching me the other day, as Sunstone, I know that look. It was another lie wasn't it? Another cover-up."

"No! No we really can't fuse with you!" Steven tried to explain. "We weren't lying about that."

"But you have been lying. You still are."

"We're just trying to help you, to protect you-" Amethyst started.

"I don't need protecting from this. I need you to stop lying to me, I need you to tell me what's going on."

"We didn't want to lie." 

"But you did anyway. Why? What for?" Pearl stepped towards them, determined to get her answers.

Amethyst turned to Garnet. "We need to tell her."

"We can't."

"We have to. We can't leave her out of the loop, not anymore."

"Amethyst-"

"No, she's right," Steven chipped in. "She needs to know."

"Besides she kinda already does," Amethyst added, "and it's better she hears it from us." Silence. "Look it's two of us to one. We're doing this." She watched the frozen fusion for some response, then pushed past her to step forward. "Pearl,"

"Wait," Garnet stopped her, hand on her shoulder. "It should be me." They quietly changed places and Garnet phased away her visor as she stepped up with a sigh.

"Pearl, when we went in your gem we found code left by the gems that attacked you. We managed to stop it from working but we couldn't remove it. While it's still in there, there is a possibility it can reactivate and spread."

"But Peridot thinks she's found a way to get it out!" Steven added, "so you could fuse with us again! Wouldn't that be great?"

Again. They said they'd fixed it. They'd been lying to her. But here they actually seemed to at least think they had a solution. Better late than never she supposed. "Yes of course it would." Pearl hesitated. "But why didn't you say so in the first place? Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"There's a catch," Amethyst said bitterly. 

"To get it to work we'd have to go into your gem, the same way they did," Garnet explained.

"The same way?" Pearls brow furrowed in confusion. Garnet leant forward and revealed a small wiry contraption, holding it up. She looked down, taking in the loop, for a moment not understanding what she was looking at, then she saw the tiny screw like drills nestled in the ring.

Her mind exploded, thoughts flying apart in a flood of pain, the cold press of the drills at the edge of her gem tearing through her once again, a cry of terror screamed from her lips as it clung to her, sending her tumbling through swirling oblivion. 

"Pearl, Pearl! Can you hear me?" 

The reassuring haze of their voice crept through and she slowed, eyes opening to thick darkness. Peering through she realised she could see them. But they were wrong, the three of them the size of giants, each comprised of angular reflective shards that flashed bright unseen snapshots of memories back at her as they moved. They loomed over her, cold and unsmiling. A hand reached out for her, the shards shifting and tinkling against each other as the swirling wind began to pick up, increasing in strength, shivering and shaking them, starting to pull them apart and threatening to bring the whole lot down upon her head.

No! Not this, not again.

The fragments began to fall, and she curled up on herself, arms over her head in a desperate attempt to protect herself from their sharp edges. But instead of their piercing touch and unbearable weight of haphazard recollection she felt the first cool raindrop fall upon her back, seeping through and trickling down, followed by another, and another.

The cold touch pulled her back once more, and she began to regain some awareness of herself. This wasn't real. She wasn't under attack. It was just her mind, memory. Another nightmare. She just had to find her way back. The house...

She found herself slumped to her knees, supported in Stevens arms. Tears flowed freely down her cheeks, and she could feel him shaking too, cold tears seeping through her jacket and down her back.

"Please," he croaked out between sobs. "I just want to fix this."

She reached out and wrapped him up, holding him close trying to comfort him even as she still shook, but the words died at her lips.

Now she understood. The price of finishing this off, being rid of the marks, the last few traces of the attack... She shuddered, a pit in her stomach still wanting to be sick as though she could expel this whole situation, this whole nightmare in one fell swoop. 

They could. This was all she had wanted since day one and yet... 

"Pearl?" Steven asked. She must have squeezed him without realising as he had sat back to see her, trying to peer into her eyes, tear-tracks still glistening around his own.

"I'm here." 

He smiled at her reassurance and gave her a hug. "Oh!" He quickly pulled back again, looking away as an uncomfortable heat flooded through him, vaguely waving at his face. "The writing..."

It was back. 

Of course it was back. If the code was still there of course it would be back. Of course her sight would still be broken, of course they wouldn't want to risk fusing with her. She cursed herself for not seeing it sooner and sighed. "Never mind that. I-" she shut her eyes. 

"Are you okay?"

She considered a moment then gave him a quick nod. "It's a lot to take in." She could still see their device in her minds eye, feel it as though it and the other were one and the same, her gem throbbing as it panged sharp warning signs against it.

So that was the price. To be free, to be rid of this nightmare she had to face it anew. She shuddered. Suddenly their reluctance to tell her made some sense.

"This was never the way to go. We knew it would hurt you," Garnet said pointedly. "You shouldn't have found out."

Amethyst let out a strangled noise. "What she means to say is: we're sorry," she explained. "We didn't want to worry you over this. After everything you've been through... We were hoping we'd find another way before you ever learned about it"

She nodded wordlessly. Something else was niggling at her, but she couldn't quite put her finger on it, her mind too distracted by the device, and it's conflicting promise of pain and peace.

"Is there really no other way?" she asked.

"Not yet, but Peridot's still working on it," Garnet said.

"Do you want to use it?" 

Pearl did a double take, looking at Steven incredulously.

"Think about it:" Steven had moved away some more, giving her a bit of room. "I know this is sudden but you have this chance now to make this change, to finally get rid of the code, to finally get free of what those gems did to you: you just need to choose to take it. You can be free of this." He waved at her. "Take this opportunity to put everything behind you."

"I- I don't know..."

"You just have to use it," Steven said. "Once. That's it. You can do this now, get it all over and done with."

"No you don't. Pearl, you don't have to do anything just yet if you don't want to," Amethyst added. "It's entirely up to you, this decision is yours and yours alone, and we'll stick with you whatever you decide. And if you change your mind later that's fine too. We'll be here, always. You don't have to use it if you don't feel up to it right now."

"But it'll be better if you do!" Steven insisted. "Think about it: you can get all of this over and done with, you can finally move on."

"I already was." Her pointed remark wasn't lost on any of them. "Before all this. I was getting better."

"See? It was helping you. We were just trying to help you. But things change and now you know about it, you can use it! Come on!" he enthused, "It won't be anywhere near as bad as before. Think about it: you'd be in control this time, and Peridot made it as small as possible, so it wouldn't hurt as much. We'd be right there with you to help you through it- you wouldn't be alone. And I'd heal you as soon as it was done. You wouldn't have to put up with it any longer than was necessary."

Garnet stood apart, fastidiously ignoring the exchange.

"It's hard enough to face the memories of this thing," Pearl half muttered.

"Look I know it's hard, of course it's hard," Steven pointed out. "None of this has been easy but just think about how good it'll be when you're done! You won't need to worry about this any more! You could finally put it all behind you. Just say yes."

Pearl tensed up, heart caught in her throat.

"Oh back off Steven, you gotta give her some space to think it through," Amethyst huffed. "It's her choice."

"But-"

Amethyst pushed him back. "No. Are you crazy? She's only just found out about this. She can't just jump to a decision like that, not on something as important as this." She turned to Pearl. "Pearl it's okay," she tried to reassure her, "you don't have to decide anything just yet if you don't want to. Take whatever time you need to think this through. It can wait."

A nod. Pearl could only think of a hundred things to say and nothing. She looked at the device instead, sat out on the table before her, that small shortcut to finally be rid of all of this. Surely it couldn't be any worse than what she had already endured? But the nightmares were already waiting, rekindled at the edge of her mind at the mere thought of the thing. It was difficult enough to face them there, played out in her head but to live through it again... She reached out, tentatively picking it up and drawing it close, inspecting the design. It was light, the metal cold and surprisingly delicate beneath her fingers, the urge to see how far it would go before breaking tingling through her. It was the polar opposite of the heavy lump that had been foisted upon her before, thick and unyielding, that dense block of machinery that took no notice of her last few desperate strikes as it took her into this nightmare at the start of it all.  
But before all that there was a time of innocence, devoid of these gems that wanted to make her suffer, devoid of the war of her past, devoid of nightmares and pain and lies. Without doubt or weakness. She'd had a glimpse of that life again these past few weeks. She'd been happy in a freedom she hadn't realised had been taken so far from her.

She wanted that back.

And she wanted more.

She stood, taking the few steps to stand before Garnet. She gathered herself up, holding the device before her as she looked her square in the eye.

"No." She exhaled, having managed to get that one word out, letting the nerves flow out of her. "I don't want to use it."

Garnet acknowledged her words with a nod and the device disappeared out of view into her gems.

"What? But why?" Steven stuttered in disbelief. "We can finish this." 

Pearl looked at him. "You said yourself that Peridot might still find another way."

"Or she might not. We don't know for sure, but this can put everything right again now!" Steven stressed, "so why wait? Please Pearl, it can fix this, it can fix all of this if you just let us try!"

"My answer's still no."

"But this isn't right! Pearl-"

Garnet cut him off. "Steven, she gave us her answer," she said with finality. "This discussion is over." 

They spoke no more of it. Pearl watched them disappear into the temple, her thoughts racing, flickering in and out of the memories of the attack, an itching weight against her gem. She sighed and leant into her hand. So this had been the lie. Not only had they not fixed it, they’d found the only way to fix it was to undertake the same assault that had done this in the first place, to go straight into her gem, and not just her mind... she shuddered, the echoes of the drills threatening to take over once again.

"Pearl?" Her eyes flicked open, snapping her back to the present as Steven spoke. She hadn't realised he was still there. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, I've just got a lot on my mind," she said, but he stayed hovering before her.

"I'm sorry. We should have said something sooner."

"Sooner?"

"Yeah. Apparently Peridot finished that thing a couple weeks ago, but Garnet didn't even tell us. We only found out about it just before you came in."

"Right." But you knew about the code long before that. You knew this wasn't fixed, she thought, her guarded silence apparently speaking volumes.

"Pearl, you need to do this."

"I've made my decision. I don't want to use it."

"No-" she raised an eyebrow at his protest. He gathered his thoughts. "Pearl. You don't need to be scared of this. You can do this, you're strong enough to do this. You always have been."

"It's not as simple as that Steven."

"Can you at least try?"

"Why?" She tilted her head, watching him. "Why are you so determined to get me to do this?"

"I just want you to be better again. To be free of this."

"But this is everything I've been fighting off. It's everything I've been trying to get away from. I thought I was done with this nightmare, and there it was again." She shook her head. "Don't ask me to go through it all again."

"Pearl, I know you've been through a lot but that's exactly why you have to do this! Once the code is gone, it'll never come back. You can move on, finally, truly put all this behind you."

"I thought I already had," she said. "I said no Steven."

"But it can fix this, it can put everything right, don't you want that?"

"Not like this," she said firmly. "Besides, you heard what Garnet said, Peridot might be able to find another way. But for now I've had enough of people messing around in my gem." She sighed.

"But it means you could fuse with us again," he piped up, "don't you want that?"

"Steven, I..." Pearl faltered. He asked so innocently, so much of the sweetness of his younger self coming through. It was hard to deny. "Yes. Of course I do." And she did, "but look at everything I've managed to achieve so far: I've been getting my life back on track, I've been able to hold off the nightmares. I moved on. Yes, I would like to be free of this, but not like _that_. If that means waiting then I can live happily enough with this life I've been building for as long as I need to, and I can live without fusion if it means keeping you safe."

"No, Pearl come on! You need to do this. Believe me, it'll help you more than you can imagine!"

"Really?" Frustration welled up inside her.

"Really!"

"How?"

"Ah-"

"How do I know if I can believe you?" She levelled a stern look at him.

"What do you mean?"

"How do I know if you're telling the truth?" 

"I am!"

"But you've been lying to me. You've all been keeping this from me ever since you came back from my gem, deliberately keeping me in the dark, misleading me and making me think everything was okay when it wasn't. I'd love to believe you, but you lied to me, kept this from me when I thought we knew, we'd agreed: no more secrets, you know how much they hurt. It's trust. You were lying, actively lying to me; How can I truly believe any of you now?" As she spoke she realised it was true. There was still something wrong, something bugging her about all this. And Steven…

"Pearl, I-" Steven changed tack "We were only trying to do what was best for you, and we were right: just look at how you reacted to the device! We didn't want that for you. After everything you've been through we just wanted you to have a chance to be better, to get back to normal while we figured a way to sort this out for good."

She watched him, brows furrowed with a deep sadness. "Don't get me wrong: I understand why you might do that. You didn't tell me about the device so I didn't have to worry about it. That's very... Noble of you. But you still lied to me, a lie I might have accepted if it had been the only one, but it wasn't was it?"

"What do you mean?"

"It wasn't the only lie. There have been others, so many others the past few weeks, months, more and more just slipping in here and there... Sunstone, fusion, Homeschool, this thing, my gem…” She looked around. “The movie night… Was this evening another lie too?"

"No! We really did plan on seeing the movie, we just got distracted." He looked at the abandoned popcorn on the counter. "Very distracted."

"I suppose that's true at least, or I'd have never have caught you talking about this. You'd have kept it hidden away from me too. More secrets."

"Pearl, we're not trying to keep things from you."

"But you already have, and you keep doing it.” A sliver of anger filtered through. “Every time you refused to fuse, or jumped in with your own fusions before I even got a chance to react. When you kept me from Homeschool, to keep me from Peridot no doubt, but a lie, another deception nonetheless. You lied about this device and kept me from that too."

"That wasn’t our fault! Garnet kept it from us until today. We wanted to tell you."

That much checked out at least. "Fine,” she conceded, “that one's on Garnet, but everything else before then? You lied when you said this was over. That it had gone." Pearl wrapped her arms around herself. "I was so happy to think that this had all been over," her voice quivered. “No wonder you were so keen for me to find a way to hold off the nightmares myself: you weren't able to fix it when you said you had."

"We were just trying to help, it was just for that, I swear-"

"But it's not as straightforward as that is it? Sunstone. You lied to me then too, even Garnet..." Pearl had to take a moment to compose herself. "You lied to me that morning, when you were leaving and still, when I exposed you, when I knew you were lying you still tried to lie again, tried to convince me it was an accident, pass it off as a mere slip-up. I had to press you to tell me the truth and when you finally did, you still kept it from me. You had the perfect opportunity to come clean with all of this right then and there and you didn't."

"We wanted to really but-"

"You kept lying."

"No Pearl, it was true, we really couldn't fuse with you."

"Where does it stop? It doesn’t make sense. If you were never going to tell me the whole truth why bother with those other lies in the first place? Why hide behind this web of deception and falsehoods? Was it really that important to keep me ignorant of this charade?" She quietly seethed with anger. "Was it really that important to keep this delusion, this fantasy alive? Trying to keep me bubbled away in my own happy ignorant world."

"Pearl, what are you on about? We were just trying to help you."

"There's a difference between helping and hiding away Steven, I just can't understand why you were doing this to me! You of all people!" She sprung to her feet and paced away, pausing with her back to him to gather her thoughts, wipe away a tear.

"I was trying to help." 

"Then you went too far!" Her outburst flung the two of them into stunned silence. "I saw the Citrine," she revealed, "I know I was up at Homeschool that day, I know it wasn't a dream, yet you lead me to believe just that."

"Pearl-"

"You came home, looked me in the eye and pretended it never happened. Just like you pretended you didn't know you were going to babysit Onion. Just like you pretended this had all been fixed, that everything was okay when it wasn't. All these lies and deceptions trying to corral me, trying to keep the truth from me and now you're trying to push me into choosing this? Well I've had enough. I don't appreciate being manipulated like this."

"We didn't-"

"'-mean to, we were only trying to help'?" Pearl mimicked. "This isn't helping. And I think you already knew that." She fell silent, thinking back to the argument she'd overheard at the start of this all. She sighed. "I suppose I got lucky. We're only having this conversation now because I happened to overhear you talking. If I hadn't, nothing would have changed. Ha," she scoffed, "I guess I should be thankful for that." She looked at Steven. He was almost in tears.

"You know it's strange: you almost got away with it- I almost forgot her, the Citrine," Pearl commented, her voice cool, detached, watching him as he stood, frozen in place. "I can remember being there, but what we spoke of is... Hazy." She rubbed at her gem and sighed. "This device. You keep saying it's going to fix everything," she said. "You’ve been trying to cover up so much. So is it really going to fix me, or your mistakes?"

"What? No, it's there to help you." He was still trying. "Please..."

"Hmpf. Another one of your 'It's for the best' ideas then. I've had enough of those. For all your apparent good will you've been treating me with nothing but deception and lies. Where will it end? I don’t even know where it begins, I-"

"Pearl, please believe me I-"

"I don't know what to believe anymore." 

"Pearl, we were just trying to help." 

She let him stew in silence, idly wandering away until she came to a stop in front of the temple door. "Do you know what the worst thing is?" she said. "You didn't need to. All this deception, tiptoeing around me like I'm some sort of fragile thing, some invalid. You didn't have to do it. You could have just told me." She turned to him. "Do you know what it's like? To be treated like you're broken, incapable of looking after yourself, like you have no idea what you're doing even though you all know full well that I am perfectly capable of facing the truth myself. You knew all that and yet you still treated me like some... some..."

"Child?" Steven finished. They stood in silence. "Yeah, I know exactly what that's like. But it was all done for the same reason you guys used to keep things from me all the time: you didn't want to worry me, and you were right then. Come on, there's even a human saying for it: Ignorance is bliss."

"No. It's not," Pearl insisted. "Look at us. We're a team, a family. We're supposed to trust each other: that means not keeping secrets, however hard they might be. We're supposed to face this sort of thing together. I know I haven't been much of myself these past few months with everything going on, and I know you're trying to protect me but it still hurts."

Steven's stomach lurched as he realised she'd been crying, the faintest tear catching the light on the edge of her face. 

"You say that that thing could undo it, get rid of the code and put everything right. But I only have your word about that, but there’s been too many lies. I don't know if I can trust you to be telling the truth anymore."

"Pearl, believe me-"

"I want to believe you, I do!" she insisted. "But I can't!" Tears flowed freely down her cheeks, and Steven tried to reach out for her but she pulled away. “Do you know what that’s like?”

Steven stared in horrified silence as Pearl wept, muted flowing tears clutched away from him. 

"Pearl, we're sorry. We didn't mean to make you feel this way," he explained, still trying to reach out to her, trying to reassure her. "We were just trying to do what we thought was best." Pearl looked daggers at him, and he gulped, taking a step back.. "I- ah." No. She was right. He deserved that. He sat in the silence for a while, thinking.

"Pearl. I'm sorry," he apologised with all the sincerity he could muster, hands linked, head bowed as he spoke, holding back the edge of his own tears. "I really am. None of this should have happened in the first place."

"And?"

"We shouldn't have lied to you."

She waited, watching him a while, considering the matter an wiping back the tears.

"Well I suppose you've told me now, and that's better than being left in the dark," she said. "I should be thankful for that at least."

Uncertain what to say he paused, a little too long. 

Pearl let out a mournful sigh. "Oh Steven," she turned to him, "You're still lying to me."

"What? No, I-"

"I'm not a fool, I can tell. Even now. Even now after everything I've told you, after everything I've been through you're still lying, you're still keeping the truth from me."

"I'm not, I-"

"Steven, what aren't you telling me?"

"Nothing! You already know everything, about the code, the device..." Steven flustered, "Pearl, please."

"What about Homeschool? That Citrine." She paced forward, forcing him to duck out the way. "Why were you keeping me away?"

"You didn't need the stress of teaching! And anyway you didn't want to go up there in case the other gems saw your marks- we were just trying to help. Plus you needed to stay away from Peridot, especially while she was still working on the device."

"-that you chose not to tell me about," she reminded him. "Stop hiding behind lies! That gem." Pearl narrowed her eyes. "You lied about me being there, about my meeting her. But why? She had nothing to do with Peridot's work. At any rate, teaching one gem for one day is not an issue- it's hardly a class, and fusion was never going to be a problem either, certainly not with a gem I'd only just met."

"But it was a danger!"

"That was the same with any of the gems I was in contact with and even more so before you told me, assuming you were actually telling the truth about that. Maybe you just didn't want me talking to other gems, but _why_? What are you hiding? I know you're hiding something."

"Please don't. I can't tell you."

"No more lies. Just be honest with me _please_ , just tell me what's going on!"

"Pearl I- It's nothing for you to worry about, really."

"Just tell me the truth!"

"I **can't**! I wish I could but I can't!" Steven cried and she paused, she actually paused at that revelation. Perhaps he’d gotten through to her.

"Why. Not?"

"I can't tell you that either." Steven shifted, his hands dancing over each other, almost begging her but she kept her distance. "Pearl, I know we haven't been entirely honest with you, and there's been a lot of lies. But I don't want to be part of that anymore."

"So tell me what's really going on."

"I can't. I want to, I really do, but I can't. Please,” he implored her, “just trust me on this one thing if nothing else: you need to use that device."

"I can't do that," Pearl countered, "not until you tell me exactly why you want me to do this so badly."

"I can't."

"Can't or don't want to?" she asked pointedly. He stayed silent. "Then we're at an impasse." She turned away. "It's late, you should probably get some rest." 

"Pearl I-"

"Good night Steven," she said with finality.

He stood there a while, trying to think of something to say, some way to convince her to do the right thing. But she studiously ignored him until finally he turned to head up the stairs, his mind still on Pearl.

He remembered her tears, her uncertainty, her twitchyness in those first few days after the attack, her fears and self doubt as she fought against what her attackers had done to her. He remembered their venture into her mind and the battles she'd been fighting there too: trying to hold it off, trying so hard to rebuild some normality for herself even as it was torn apart, even as she was taken away from herself. 

This wasn't fair! They were so close to putting this right! And they couldn't. They'd just hurt her all over again. 

Yet it could still fix this, he could make this right, they could finally give her her answers if only she said yes.

But there was nothing more he could do.

_'If she isn't able to make her own decision on this it's only because we've been keeping it from her.'_

_'This is why we need to tell her. He didn't even have to mention what she'd forgotten, so neither do we. It might be dangerous but it's possible. She might say yes, then we'd not have to worry about any of this anymore!'_

_'I can't, not unless you tell me exactly why you want me to do this.'_

_'She might say yes'_

He slowed, hesitating. Could he...? Should he? He sighed.

"Wait," Steven stopped and turned back. "There's something you need to know."

  
"Aaah!" The cry of pain echoed through the beach house, summoning Garnet and Amethyst out the temple at a sprint. "It's not possible," Pearl gasped, shying away from Steven, hands clutched to her head.

"It's real, Pink Diamond, Rose, Homeworld, everything! And we can put it right, we can prove it you, you just need to let us use it! Just let us fix this!"

"No!" Pearl cried, before letting out another whine of pain. Garnet flew over in a few short strides, grabbing Steven's jacket and sending him tumbling away, kneeling in front of Pearl herself.

"Pearl, listen to me. He's lying. It's not true."

"Pink Diamond?"

"All of it," Garnet confirmed. "He was just trying to get you to use the device. It's not real."

"Yeah," Amethyst pitched in desperately trying to convince her, "he was just winding you up. You don't have to listen to him."

Pearl shuddered and sobbed. "Lies?" Garnet could only nod for her. "Everyone lies." Pearl wrapped her arms around herself, breathing heavily. "What is this? Ah!" She folded over against another pang of pain, hands leaping back to her gem.

Garnet reached out to her. "Pearl, just focus on me: it's not real. Just a..." Garnet waved a hand, looking for the right word or idea.

"Conspiracy theory," Amethyst said. "Seems like Steven's spent a bit too much time with Ronaldo these last few weeks." She shot him a glare. He hadn't moved from his seat on the floorboards, watching them nervously. "You know how irrational he can be."

"Prove-" she gasped, "prove it.”

"Prove it? Pearl you know full well there are only three Diamonds," Amethyst half joked.

"Lies and lies," Pearl groaned again, clutching at her gem, half delirious, "Where do they stop?"

"Right here." Garnet reached out to Pearl, hands on her arms, trying to comfort her. "Think about it. You remember this. When the Diamonds hit Earth with their corruption blast," Garnet said, "there were only three of them, trying to wipe out the rebellion."

"Three lights, yes." Pearls breathing slowed and she uncurled a bit.

"Three Diamonds," Garnet confirmed. Pearl's breathing settled a little and she nodded slowly. "You know them. Tell me who they were."

"Blue," Pearl held on, her voice steadying even further. "Yellow and... Aaah!" She sat bolt upright, eyes wide and staring as the pain lanced through her, rippling down through her from her gem, holding her in place.

Amethyst let out a shocked yelp. "Her eyes..." She said in horror. They were glowing, cracked white bolts threading through her once bright blue gaze, growing and spreading even as they watched.

"No..." Garnet uttered aghast. "It's not working."

"What?"

"We're too late." Garnet let Pearl go as though stung.

"Ahh!" Pearl let out another gasp of pain. "What's happening to me?"

"Pearl, listen to me: the code the gems left in your mind has reactivated and it's going after your memories. You have to keep fighting this. Hold it off as long as you can whilst we get rid of the code."

"What?” Pearl muttered, trying to pull away. “No, not you too…” 

"Pearl we have to go in there," Garnet said, summoning the device and Pearl flung herself to her feet, stumbling back from her.

"You're not going in my gem again. No way."

"Pearl listen to me, we need to use it."

Fresh tears formed and she backed further away. "No, no! You can't!"

Garnet slowly approached her. "Pearl-"

Pearl lunged to get out of the way but Garnet dove after her, grabbing hold of her wrist and stopping her. 

"Pearl, we've got no choice: we have to use it! It'll keep taking your memories if we don't."

"No! I said no!" she cried out as she struggled, wriggling and pulling to try and get away. "Let go of me!"

"I can't do that. Please, listen, please, we need to do this or we'll lose you. There's no other way." 

"No!" She tried to pull away again, stretching towards the door, then up towards her gem.

"Pearl, I'm sorry." 

With a heave Garnet pulled her towards her in one smooth motion, spinning Pearl round and leaving her no time to react as the gauntleted fist met with her gem in a blackening crack.

  
Pearl woke and the world was wrong.

She felt as though she'd gone six rounds with a corruption, sore head to toe and filled with a terrible ache inside, the soft folds of the duvet thrown off in a scrabble as she remembered what happened, desperately checking her gem for damage.

_Drills. They'd pushed it on, she couldn't get away..._

They’d done it. They’d actually done it, even after she’d said no…

She retched, her knees thudding against the woodwork as they gave out beneath her, her body expelling only air in a visceral attempt to be rid of this crawling grasp of a nightmare.

"Pearl?"

Pearl dragged herself back to her feet at the sound of Amethyst's voice, staggering as her legs tried to sluggishly respond beneath her.

"Hey, hey, it's okay,"

_"-okay, it'll be over as soon as we can, just hold on."_

Okay? Pearl hissed her distaste, pulling back away from the broad purple hands, her feet crunching through the staling popcorn left scattered across the floor. How could this be okay?

"Pearl, breathe. Look I know it was... Bad, but we didn't have a choice. The code had reactivated, it was going to wipe the rest of your memories. Please believe me, we didn't want any of this to happen." She took a step closer. 

Big mistake. Pearl flinched backwards with a tense inhale, a spear materialising into her hand and pulling up between them.

_Amethyst coming in to grab hold of her, those big hands pinning her arms to her body..._

"Stay away!" she warned.

"Alright. I'm gonna stay over here."

Pearl watched her carefully, then took an experimental step towards the door. Amethyst moved with her, staying in range to intercept. She took another step.

"Pearl, please don't."

After a long silence stood watching each other on a knife edge Pearl turned back into the house, retreating towards the kitchen. She stopped, wilting over and leaning heavily on her spear as more memories flashed all too present in her mind at the familiar surroundings. 

They'd held her down _there_ , she could only see that cupboard _there_ over their heads, she'd almost pulled away _there_. Her breath caught again, this place full of pain, each surface filling with memories. She let out a gasp.

"Pearl?"

"What did you do to me?" 

"We got rid of the code."

"But nothing's changed!" And everything changed. Pearl waved a hand in front of her face. "It's still broken!" You broke it. They did this to her. Pearl backed away, memory after memory chasing through, her thoughts now crowded and hounded by those she had trusted as family. 

She just wanted to be free of this, she just had to get away. Away. The thought clarified, growing and drowning out the noise and fear. She had to get away. "Why did you do it? I didn't want this."

"Wait, we can explain everything, just-" 

"No. There's nothing to explain."

"Pearl," Amethyst stepped forward, and Pearl finally backed into the countertop.

"Get away from me!" She flipped the fridge door open, pulled out the first shelf and launched it at Amethyst, rapidly followed by the other two, not giving her a chance to recover, and darting towards the door in the chaos.

"Garnet!" Amethyst shouted, making a grab for her but Pearl dived out of the way, tucking her spear under her arm to fire a barrage of blasts into the Temple door as she sprinted towards the stairs. She jerked as Amethysts whip caught her, trying to hold her back, but she grabbed hold, adjusting her footing to pull Amethyst towards her instead, using her momentum to swing her around and sending her flying back into the now empty fridge, door slamming shut behind her. A quick blast into the floorboards beneath dropped the whole unit forward, pinning it in place, Amethyst banging and shouting in protest inside.

There were noises coming from the temple door too. She hurried upstairs straight to the dome, her mind so full of her desire to get away to notice the third Crystal gem until she'd walked through the door. 

Her breath caught. Garnet was stood in front of her, blocking the warp pad. No, no! 

"Pearl, stop, you don't need to go."

Pearl shook. "Don’t do this," she pleaded, tears creeping down her face. She was so close...

"Pearl-" the word was enough distraction and Pearl moved fast, ducking around her and diving towards the warp pad. Garnet dove after her, grabbing her wrist. Pearl yelped, cowering and still scrabbling to get away even as she was pulled slowly backwards until she was finally facing her, staring up at the towering fusion.

Garnet. _Garnet_. Pearl saw only herself in the reflection, shaking wide-eyed and fearful in that cold unfeeling screen that masked the fusion's face.

"Pearl, I'm sorry." 

Even her words were the same as before, cold chills running through as Pearl was caught in the memory.

The gauntlet rising up, the flash of the punch, the pain in her gem...

"No..." Pearl croaked out, the reflection changing as black marks appeared across her cheeks once more.

Garnet's grip loosened abruptly and Pearl made quick use of the opportunity to finally duck away and jump onto the warp pad, still shaking as she disappeared in a blaze of light. Seconds later Amethyst burst in after her, calling around.

"Pearl, Pearl?" She turned to Garnet. "Where is she? Where'd she go?"

Garnet didn't answer, still staring in shock at the warp pad. Amethyst shook her.

"Garnet, that thing goes all across the galaxy, she could be anywhere! So where'd she go?" She still didn't respond. "Come on, we have to find her!" Amethyst jumped towards the warp pad pulling at Garnet's arm, but she didn’t move. 

"Garnet, please," she insisted. "We can't let her go off on her own, not now."

Garnet stayed silent.

"Garnet?"

"Amethyst there you are. I heard fighting. What's going on?" Steven skidded in to join them, panting and looking around. "Where's Pearl?"

"She's gone." Amethyst answered in a daze by Garnet's side, almost leaning on her for support.

"Gone? What do you mean gone?" Steven's attention snapped straight to the warp pad. "Oh. Oh no! We have to go after her!" He jumped onto the pad spinning around to the others. "Come on! Garnet! Where is she? Where'd she go?" 

They stayed silent. By her side Amethyst could feel Garnet tense up even more, tight fists quivering ever so slightly. "Steven..." she started uncertainly.

He didn't notice. "Come on!" He almost stomped his feet. "We have to get her back!"

The slightest of shakes of the head from Garnet, so faint she almost missed it. "No?" She could hardly believe it. "No," Amethyst said. "Not this time."

"Oh." Steven was thrown for a second, then perked up again. "Oh, because Garnet's already seen her come back right?"

"I don't know Steven." Amethyst's gaze didn't shift from Garnet, trying to decipher her, trying to understand. "I don't know if she is." The uncertainty hung in the air between them.

"What? No. No! She'll come back, of course she'll come back, she's got to, hasn't she?" Steven argued. "This is her home." They didn't respond. "But she's got to come back right?" He looked between the two frantically. "Garnet, she is coming back isn't she? Garnet?" 

Garnet stayed silent, her eyes unshifting from the warp pad, Amethyst holding her closely. "Garnet?" His voice wavered. She couldn't be gone... could she?

"Garnet?"


	28. Traitor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gems have to face up to what happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'I don't like writing chapters over 5k,' she said, 'they're hard to keep track of,' she said.  
> *Sigh*  
> Heads up, long chapter. 15.8K
> 
> Updated 18th June to iron out some continuity blips. (See this is why I dislike writing long chapters.)

Pearl bounced from warp to warp barely thinking about her destination, each chime and arrival of polished stone beneath her feet simply the cue to push on again, a haphazard tour of the myriad of planets and places she barely knew beyond a designation, or a brief glance of a map.

She didn't care about the shifting flashes of colour that passed her by, she just wanted to get away, punching through each transition with careless abandon. She almost wished she could lose herself in the pull of the warp stream, but even there other gems could stumble across her, and right now that was the last thing she wanted. It was still too easy to be followed. She sighed and slowed, starting to allow herself the time to take a look around each time she landed.

Eventually the familiar enormous canyons of a kindergarten hoved into view, wall upon wall of identical cliff faces wedged together in some overzealous maze, the grey rocks littered with emergence holes stretching as far as the eye could see. With barely a glance behind she strode to the nearby edge and let herself drop into the abyss below.

Back on Earth Steven looked at the back of the multicoloured van with a sigh, shifted his bag further up his shoulder then knocked.

"Who's there?" The doors opened. "Steven!" Greg Universe climbed out and wrapped him in a hug. 

"Hey Dad," Steven acknowledged accepting the hug with resignation. He hesitated, uncertain what to tell him. “Is it okay if I stay with you for a bit?"

"Sure, it's always good to spend some time with my favorite son!" Greg grinned and waited for the familiar reply of 'I'm your only son!', but Steven stayed silent, not even sparing him the slightest glance as he climbed past him to get settled in. "Why so glum? You fall out with the gems or something?" Steven stopped, crouched over his bag. But Greg could hear the sniffle and, now paying careful attention, could see his shoulders beginning to shake. "Woah, what happened?" Greg scooted down to try and get a better look at his son, gathering him around to face him, to find the tears streaming down his face. "What's wrong?"

"Dad, I've made a huge mistake," Steven stuttered, trying to hold on, trying to hold it back. “Now Pearl's gone, and the gems hate me!"

"Wait, gone? Not like Gone gone?"

"She left Dad. We were just trying to help and-" Steven choked up, another wave of tears flooding through him. 

"Aw geez, come here." Greg wrapped him up in a hug, staying beside him as he cried, comforting him, just listening without judgement as slowly piece by piece he got what had happened out of him. They sat together in silence until Steven had cried himself out, had a hot drink and then finally headed to bed for some long overdue rest.

Greg watched his son's steady breathing, and shut the door with a click. Gathering his jacket around himself against the chill air, his attention turned at last up towards the hill towards the lighthouse, and the temple beyond.

The house seemed empty when he entered and, after a brief search around failed to reveal the gems he gathered himself together and knocked on the temple door. "Er hello? Garnet, Amethyst? It's Greg. I wanted to check you were okay. Steven told me what happened."

The doors slid open and Amethyst stood there glaring at him. "Did he tell you what he did?

"Yes, he was very upset about it."

"Oh, so he's upset!" Amethyst almost shrieked, stomping back and forth. "What about Pearl hmm? What about us?!"

"Woah! Easy there, I just wanted to talk."

Garnet appeared behind her. "Amethyst, this isn't Greg's fault," she warned the younger gem, "shouting at him won't solve anything."

"Ugh."

Greg looked around. "She really left?" Garnet nodded. "What happened?"

"I thought Steven told you," Amethyst said sharply, arms folded in a sulk.

"He did," Greg said, not rising to the bait, "but I want to hear it from you too. Get the full picture y'know." He looked around. "I know Pearl was struggling with what those gems did to her but I don't understand how it could pull you apart like this. You guys are always so close, even when you've had your disagreements."

Garnet adjusted her visor. "It was more than just a disagreement."

"He really didn't tell you that much at all did he?" Amethyst let out a disgruntled scoff, "only said what he wanted you to hear. I wonder where he got that idea from, hiding things away, pretending everything is just fine and dandy all the time-"

"Woah!" Greg watched her grumblings, "where's all this coming from?" Amethyst stomped away from them. "Look he was pretty upset, it was hard to really make sense of what he was on about," Greg explained, "but that's why I also wanted to hear it from you. I know what it’s like and I’m old enough to make up my own mind about this. So… what happened?"

They told him.

"Aw geez." Once wasn't enough so he repeated himself as he paced up and down the living room. "Is she going to be okay?" Garnet didn't answer. He let out a sigh, rubbing his head. "Okay, I'll keep Steven over at mine as long as you need, keep him out of your hair, just leave him to me." He looked back to the sullen faces of the gems. "What about you? Are you guys going to be alright here?" It was already eerily quiet in the house and the two of them stood beside each other, Garnet's hand laid on Amethyst's shoulder. "Is there anything I can do?"

"No," Garnet said, turning away. "Just... Keep an eye on Steven for now." 

"Er, about Pearl…" they watched him. “If you hear anything, would you let me know?”

"If she does get back in contact it may not be wise to tell Steven."

"I know but…" he shuffled a little, "I wasn’t asking for him."

Curled up at the back of one of the many nondescript holes Pearl listened to the rare rain as it fell, spattering against the walls outside. It was at least dry in here, save for her tears as she finally took stock.

Why did they do it?

Flashes of memory came to her, filling themselves in to this nightmare.

_'We have to go in there.'_

_'We've got no choice: we have to use it!'_

_'No! This is ridiculous, this can’t be right.'_

Ridiculous.

Everything she'd gone through.

Now this.

She shuddered as memories grew inside her, that all too familiar storm. But now it was different. Now her nightmares had faces, the very last people she expected to turn on her. Her friends, her family. She felt sick, clawing hands ghosting against her body, tightening around her as her breath caught.

_'You need to hold still, if this goes in the wrong place it’ll cause even more damage.'_  
_'No!'_  
_'Pearl please, we need to do this,'_

No. No, no no no no.

She tossed and turned as much as she could, trying to get away from them but they wouldn’t let her, the whirr of the drills filling her as the nightmare ran so fresh in her mind. Pearl shuddered and clasped at the stone around her, trying to escape from this nightmare, trying to pull herself weeping back to this distant world, so far from all that. 

No.

How many times had she told them?

And they still did it.

They'd lied to her and attacked her, used that thing against her.

She’d trusted them. They who had rebelled with her, who had developed and grown, and who had become a family together, a bond deeper than colleagues or friends and one she thought nothing could break.

She was sure they'd felt the same.

And they'd done it anyway.

It hurts, and it _hurts_ , the deepest ache within her intertwining with the all too real pain of memory, sharp pangs that still echoed through her gem in nightmare, their faces emblazoned at the forefront of her mind.

This was all wrong

"It shouldn't be you," she whispered into nothing between the echo of her sobbing. They wouldn't do this. But they had, they did, again and again, and for what? Why? Something had happened to change their minds, turn them against her, betray her. 

But they were family.

_They were supposed to be her family!_

Garnet, who'd always valued honesty so highly, who’d said so pointedly that her decision was final, yet had so determinedly worked to keep her in the dark and still struck the first blow, turning on her on a dime. 'Pearl I’m sorry!' she'd said, 'there's no other way'. She'd tried to justify her actions, tried to justify what she'd done even as Pearl struggled against the pain, the cold threat of glitches running through her denying Pearl her chance to escape, to get away. She’d known exactly what she was doing, and did it anyway, her token apologies falling flat.

Amethyst had tried to apologise too, Amethyst who had held her down even after she'd talked about the importance of choice. She kept trying to talk to her, even as she ignored Pearl’s pleas for help, tried to justify it too even as she struggled through the sickening pain of the drills as it tore through her mind yet again. They didn’t understand, they couldn’t know how it felt, how much it hurt.

And Steven.

_Steven._

How could he do it? How many years had she cared for him, looked after him, taught and protected him? He had grown into such a good lad, kind and innocent Steven, always trying to help others, always fighting to make the world a better place. Yet he'd looked her in the eye and lied again and again, so many times she could barely fathom the depth of all of them they'd spun for her. But even when she uncovered the truth of their secrets, the existence of the device he'd kept pushing this, kept trying to foist this on her until he’d finally got his way. 

Why? She'd said no. He knew, as well of any of them, he knew. They'd even told him not to. 

He'd done it anyway, and they in turn had done theirs. They said it was going to fix this. 

It hadn't.

It made it worse. More nightmares, new scars.

_Steven._

She barely stifled a cry as the grief swept over her once more. The same cold aching disbelief that filled her with fear when Garnet had struck her gem clawed at her gut in agonising swathes, and she clung on to the one person she had left in all this, curled up so tight around herself as though she could disappear away from it all. She let her memories come crashing down around her, burying her between the teardrops and the rain.

Garnet stared at the volleyball courts, abandoned and unswept under the sky, the start of all this, still trying to make sense of what had happened.

They had to do it. There wasn't any choice. That had been taken away from them by Steven's interference.

Anger flurried through her. Steven. She'd told him, she'd shown him what could happen if he talked to her and he still did it anyway. She wasn't ready! And it had hurt her, so much. Not just by pain, but the look on her face when she'd hit her, realised she'd cracked her gem, realised they were going to do this to her anyway... Garnet swayed on the spot a little, her eyes closed. She'd tried to explain, tried to tell her why but she had refused that too, betrayal and disbelief taken her beyond reason, the trust broken between them. Garnet looked up at the stars, a tear creeping down her face.

"We didn't mean to hurt you. We didn't mean to drive you away," she said and sighed, letting her head drop. "We let you down, right when you needed us the most. I'm sorry." 

She turned her attention to her hands, recalling those last few moments with Pearl, the way she'd looked up at her in such desperation, that fear... The marks.

There'd been no healing tears, no spit, no Diamond essence, yet they had appeared, emerging in a single sole pair on Pearl's cheeks as she had cowered before her. 

She thought they'd gone. They had all seen them fade away as the device did its work, and Steven had then been able to heal her himself without them returning. Yet there she was, there they were still. They thought they had gotten rid of the code, but with this... If it had failed, if they had missed even some small part of it, then all their efforts were in vain. 

Garnet tried to see if this had all been put right, but the truth was she didn't know, her future vision trailing down dead end after dead end in search of answers, still half hoping to find an alternative that would put this right, that would undo this. But it was too late. It had happened. They had done all they could and now they only had hope. Hope that it had worked. Hope that she'd come home again. Garnet felt that too familiar pang of guilt, that last silent accusation filling her mind. Traitor. She looked up to the stars. Truth was there was little reason for her to come back to them after what they'd done, however much they hoped for it, however much they wanted her to. 

But they didn't matter anymore. Wherever she was now she needed space, and time to work through it, and Garnet hoped she found it. 

She could only hope that she was okay. It didn't even matter if it wasn't with them, after everything she'd been through, she just hoped she would finally find some peace.

Pearl crouched over the puddle, fingers tracing over the marks on her face, frowning back at her reflection in the water, the lie before her.

She had barely gotten any rest, no respite as her mind bounced between nightmares, grief, and confusion, trying to make sense of all this. There were so many questions. What had happened, how did it come to this? Why did they turn on her?

Why didn't it work?

She stared at herself, still faded away to blues and yellows. Nothing had changed there, no sign of remedy or repair, her vision still faulty, and worse still she had these. She traced over the two thick lines of text, one on one cheek, one on the other.

Why are these still here?

Traitor.

For a while she'd thought she might have imagined them, her feverish mind hallucinating the reflection from Garnet as, part-recovered, she'd tried to escape the beach house. But as the rain stilled she began to notice it returning, thick blackened lines flaring up on her cheeks as her thoughts tumbled over lies and betrayal. 

_' "So why wait? Please Pearl, it can fix this, it can fix all of this if you just let us try!"_  
_"My answer's still no."_  
_"But this isn't right! Pearl-" '_

How had this happened? They were meant to go away. That was the deal wasn’t it? If they had truly fixed this the marks would be gone. The strangest thing was that most of them had, yet this now came so freely. Her finger traced over the rest of her skin. It had somehow retreated from the rest of her, now focused, as far as she could tell, entirely to her cheeks. Was that an improvement? Or had they just changed it? She wasn’t sure which was better. They still didn’t respond to shifting, but seemed to come and go as it pleased, following some hidden rule hidden aside of her simply wanting them gone. Another lie. Another choice taken from her. At least she'd had the chance to avoid bringing them back before. Now this had betrayed her too. 

The writing grew even thicker, picked out by the blue flush in her cheeks as she glowered once again at this false version of herself. She tried to rub them away, but her skin complained at the overzealous attention and she had to stop. She needed diamond essence to be sure, but the only way of getting that was by going back to Beach City or straight to the Diamonds themselves, both of which would tell Steven and the others where she'd gone and she didn't want to face them, not now. 

She huffed as the markings flared some more. Pearl hadn't expected them come back at all, but then again judging by Garnet's reaction neither had she, and a small mercy that was too- she suspected wouldn’t have been able (or allowed) to get away so cleanly if she hadn’t let go.

Let go… 

It had all happened so fast. How much had she left behind?

She'd never expected to leave Beach City, to leave that all behind like this, and what was worse, she certainly never expected to feel relief at doing so, to be so glad to get away. She had spent the intervening hours constantly on edge amidst the nightmares, listening out for the slightest hint she was followed, somehow tracked down by Garnet's future vision, or complicit gems ready to drag her back there. But it had been quiet down here, no gems or other life around save for her, the closest thing to company the falling rain.

She looked at her reflection once again and sighed, slumping back off her heels to land solidly on the stone floor behind. She had tried over and over again to make sense of it all, the tumble of lies and revelations she'd heard when she’d returned, seeing the device and realising everything it meant, the arguments with Steven and finally… She gasped and shuddered at the memory, pressing and stifling her.

How could this happen? She was just going out for an art class! How could everything change, her whole life turned on its head in a few short hours? But it wasn’t that simple. It had been longer than that in building, the lies, the secrets all stacking up from the moment they returned from her gem, and perhaps even longer before that, back all the way to that summers day on the beach by the volleyball courts back on Earth. She’d had a life, a _family_ back there, so happy and free of worry. And she’d left that all behind. 

She didn't want to go. Not really. She had built so much back on Earth, a freedom, friendships, a home… She didn’t want to leave all that behind, but she had to, the choice taken from her by their actions. 

She'd trusted them. And they had turned on her, and she hated the pain of it. But they were family, so many years of being there for each other, helping and taking care of each other and they turn and do this. Her family, turning on her… The nightmare flashed across her mind yet again. But this was reality, their faces filling her with grief. Garnet, Amethyst and-

_-Steven._

Pearl bit back a sob. Steven. Of all of them, he had been the one most keen for her to use the device in the first place. He had pressed her most to try and convince her to use it, even long after she’d said no. Even long after Garnet had accepted her choice, he kept trying. He never accepted her decision, and every time, every word he'd spoken to her afterwards pushed her towards this fate, triggered this alarm in the others and sparked their desperation to decide to do this to her. He didn’t even try to stop them, despite his tears, having finally gotten what he wanted. 

They'd offered her a choice but took it away from her too. 

Another lie, another false hope from the myriad of mischief they had inflicted upon her. 

It was never much of a choice in the first place.

She thought they would always be by her side as she was by theirs, the unspoken bond of family that meant they would try to help each other through thick and thin. But after all the revelations of the day, and then that final betrayal… What did it really mean? Had she gotten it all wrong? She’d trusted them! Why? Why would they do this? Why did they do this? The same questions kept coming back time and time again. Why? Why? Why?

She watched the markings thicken, pulsing almost as though they were alive, almost as though reacting to her thoughts. What were they trying to tell her? What was she missing? She thought of all the things Steven had said of memories and unknown pasts, of citrines and secrets and tried to make sense of it all. But she couldn’t, the answer slipping from her. Frustration welled withing her and her head ached as she tried to recall that conversation from before, the words out of reach that now simply made her feel so furious, so helpless, so scared. But she could barely remember. Just arguments, and anger. And pain. It had hurt so much, somehow pulling her down this path and into this living nightmare. Did he know what would happen? They certainly knew something, before it all, shuttered away behind Garnet's warning and orders.

But _Steven._ He wouldn't do that to her. They wouldn’t do that to her. But they had. They had. But why? It wasn’t right, it wasn’t like them. Her heart panged, still so dearly wishing for all this to not be true, to wake up as if from a dream, to return to reality from this nightmare… but she couldn't. Had she really gotten them so wrong? Did she really matter so little to them? Nothing more than a faulty Pearl. 

Her stomach lurched, feeling sick. No! She didn’t want to believe it.

Maybe… maybe she had got it all wrong, she'd gotten them wrong, somehow. Her memories were fuzzy, with Steven, and the Citrine… and if she was missing something, what was the missing piece? They'd changed their minds, but why? How? What happened in there after they’d been into her gem? What had they seen? What did they find? Was it something she’d done? It didn't make sense, time and time again the puzzle pieces out of place. But then so little of this had. That’s why she said no. 

Frustration bubbled within her. She didn’t want this! She didn’t want any of this! 

She didn't have a choice.

An answer, a sobering possibility bloomed with cold fear in her heart, her fingers trailing up to her gem as old fears surfaced. _She didn’t choose this._

Why would they try to do this to her? Why would her family keep this secret from her? Everything lead back to those gems, right at the start of it all: What had they really done to her? Everything had changed after they went into her gem, searching for her phone, and that last quiet three word threat, or assurance she had seen, sent from her subconscious self. 

_They know me._

What had they seen in there? What had they found?

Her fingers traced over her cheeks once again. Traitor. What had they done, those first gems that came after her, that had set all of this off? What had they made of her? Steven had worked so hard to convince her she was safe from their interference, but if they’d been wrong… How many times had she forgot? Pearl sobbed, suddenly afraid she had hurt them as the pieces began to fall into place. Them trying to keep her away from other gems, not wanting to fuse, the lies, tiptoeing on eggshells around her- all towards the same thing.

Tears streamed from her. What had really happened when they went in her gem? And afterwards, her apparent illness… She had no recollection of what happened, what could have happened, yet the terrifying possibility loomed. But even that still didn’t make sense. Why wouldn’t they just tell her? Except they didn't. They hadn't…

None of this made sense! She needed answers, yet the only place she might get them was with them. Doubt and sorrow flickered through her. But she couldn’t, because even if she could face the nightmares and safely face them again to ask, they had lied and deceived her so much she wasn't sure she'd ever be able to believe them again.

That was another thing she would never have thought the Crystal Gems would have in common with her attackers. Yet here she was, abandoned at the bitter end of betrayal. It didn’t matter. Whatever the reason, they didn't have to do it. They didn't need to do this to her!

But they had.

She couldn't go back if she wanted to. Not now. It had all changed in a few short hours to this, and the nightmares came so easily, even here so far away from them. What sort of living nightmare would she be in on Earth, where every turn brought her back to the same pain? Where every second she'd live in fear and uncertainty? She didn't want to be reminded of this. She didn't want this, she just wanted everything to be normal again, back to how it was before, far before this started.

‘It never is you know.’ 

It could never be.

Tears upon tears, another memory that brought the pain of loss. And she had lost so much, and left behind more than she could ever have imagined. At least here there was no-one left to hurt. Down here amongst nothing, nothing could happen. Just the company of herself, weighed down with grief and sorrow. 

She flinched, the flash of a swinging fist glancing across her mind, memory of that cold crack rippling through her in a shock. Memories. Nightmares. She couldn’t outrun those. They would stick to her however much she tried to shun them, a constant reminder to fill her days. A deep terror struck at her and she shuddered up and down, an unwilling static-y spiral that rippled through her body with a lancing pain that made her yelp.

Pearl froze, stunned at what happened. No! Her gem was whole, she'd assured herself of that much at least, fingers probing over the surface for any hint of a crack as soon as she'd landed, desperate to reassure herself there was no lingering trace of what they had done, desperate to reassure herself that the drills had gone, the echo of their grip nothing more than another memory. But memories still clung hard to her, throwing themselves in crashing waves all around her and drowning her in this living nightmare.

And now this. A glitch. Another mark of a broken mind, of damage reaching far beyond the physical. She tried to suppress the shiver, clutching on. She had lost everything else and now she was losing herself too. But how could she not? Everything she knew and everything she held dear had gone, taken from her. Even the once welcome reassurances and advice crumbled under recent events, happy past times turned to sorrow, the foundations of her life wavering and falling from her, and her with it. She tried to gather herself, blink the tears and rub the markings away. Another reminder of a broken promise, of another broken part of herself. But the tears came anyway, and Pearl thought she might never stop. 

She wanted to stop. Everything hurt and nothing was left but memories of before, the nightmares and the pain. It welled up inside her, twisting around until she let it out in a raw cry that filled the canyons with the sound of her pain, and yet somehow still left so much unspoken, lost in the depths of her grief.

"Are you sure you want to do this Schtu-ball?" Greg asked as they climbed up the steps to the beach house. "You can wait a bit, give them some time to get used to what had happened. It was hard on them too."

Steven stood, waiting just out of sight of the windows. "I've got to do this. They need to know what happened, why I had to…" he trailed off, fists balling and unclenching. "Ugh. Come on." He stepped up, barely in place to knock on the door when it was pulled open, revealing Garnet. He started, unsure what to say.

Garnet watched him in silence.

"Uh hi." He shuffled. There was a thunder of feet and Amethyst barreled into view. 

"Oh, it's you," she huffed, joining Garnet and folding her arms. "What do you want?"

"Look, about what happened…"

Amethyst raised an eyebrow.

"It wasn't what you think it was."

"And what exactly was it supposed to be then?" she burst out, "because it looked an awful lot like you ignored Garnet and went and told Pearl everything anyway just to get what you wanted. Is this what you wanted? Are you happy now?”

"No! Of course not. I didn’t mean to set it off, I was just trying to help," Steven tried to explain. "She figured a lot of it out herself."

" Oh really? She didn't have any real idea of what was going on beforehand and then there you were telling her all about Pink Diamond. Were you trying to get us to do this? Because it felt a lot like you were. You seemed pretty keen to use that device even though she said she didn't want to, even though she said again and again that she didn't want to. It was a NO Steven, what part of that didn't you get?"

Steven stepped back, Amethyst held in place in the doorway by Garnet, a hand on her shoulder, as she stood, still silent. "I'm sorry. But you didn't see her! She knew we’d been lying, that we were still keeping the truth from her. She wouldn’t believe us if I hadn't told her and I didn't- not at first. But she put the bits and pieces together. She got there before I did, further than I thought. I thought it would help if she knew as much of the truth as possible. I didn't expect it to go that far."

" Garnet warned us, showed us specifically what could happen, and you went and blabbed your mouth off anyway!"

"That didn't matter!" Steven explained, "she knew something was up even after everything we said. She'd have found out sooner rather than later. At least I tried to help her decide, at least I tried to tell her the truth!"

"You knew what that would do! You knew would happen and you did it anyway!" Amethyst snapped at him. 

"I was trying to help!"

"And look what we had to do, look what it did to her! Are you happy now? Are you happy that you've driven her away?"

"It helped," he insisted. "She doesn’t have that code in her anymore. It's for the best."

" But at what cost?" Amethyst voice broke. "Garnet can't see her coming back Steven, you took her away."

"We were going to lose her anyway."

"But not like this." Amethyst's face dropped, veering close to tears. "I saw her Steven, when she woke. She was scared. Scared of us. Do you know what that feels like?"

"Well I’m sorry," Steven started, "but she needed that code gone, one way or another. Now it's done at least we can move on."

"It doesn't work like that," Amethyst said. “You can't just click your fingers and assume it'll put everything right."

"I already said sorry."

"Steven," his head snapped up as Garnet finally spoke, her words chosen carefully, "you don't understand what you've done. Your apologies will mean nothing until you do." With that she turned and disappeared back into the house, Amethyst closing the door after her.

"What, that's it? They’re not even going to hear me out?" 

“"Steven…" Greg started, but he turned to his dad in a fury. 

"I don’t understand?! It's not like they understand either- I was there! I was just trying to help! At least I was trying, and it worked didn't it? It healed her. It's not all bad. You'd think it was the end of the world the way they’re going on about it."

"Perhaps it's not the best time for this."

"Oh it's the perfect time! They're just grumpy because they know they should have done more! If we all had talked to her then maybe she would have listened, and she would have stayed!" Steven paced up and down.

"Steven, they're trying to come to terms with what happened too. It's gonna take time, we've just got to be patient with them."

"But-"

"I know, I know," Greg tried to soften his son's frustration. "Come on, let's give them a bit more space yeah? Try another day." Steven slowed. "We can pick up some food on the way back, and I’ll show you this latest jam I’ve been working on."

"Alright."

Pearl didn't count the days, content to let the world pass in twilight. Not a soul passed down here, even the barest insects were nowhere to be found in this soil.

Again and again the nightmares came, her cries echoing around her with no-one to hear as she woke. She had no comfort either, memories of kind words and helpful advice tainted by their faces, former walls of reassurance now simply another wobbly cliff, ready to send herself falling back into her own personal hell of grief once again.

What else was there to do?

The whirring drew her out of her haze, the first alien sound she'd heard in days. Curiosity drew her to the entrance of her hole, the elevated position giving her a good view over the nearby area.

The intruder was easily spotted, a robonoid scanning through layer upon layer of holes, now barely one or two away. Pearl froze. She knew she shouldn't be down here, and these old robots had been designed to destroy any gems that were trespassing, to deter gems from hiding away. She thought they'd been deactivated. Plans flickered through her mind. She could try and take it out, but there was no guarantee her spear blasts would have any effect on the more modern technology, and even if she did manage to destroy it more may come to investigate. She could run, stay out of sight, find somewhere else to hide, but how long was she going to run? Where would she go?

The red light flickered over her, bathing her in its glow as its beam moved up and down. For a moment Pearl's hand flew up, trying to cover her gem, then she let it drop away. What did it matter anymore? She shut her eyes, waiting for the heat of the blast that would finish it off. Darkness. Peace. Perhaps some of the fragments would have sentience but not her. No worries around being attacked anymore, no risk of betrayal, of pain.

The light dimmed, and with a quiet whirring the robonoid moved on, continuing its rounds, familiar tracks from old programming with little care of the world. Pearl retreated inwards to hunker down at the back of her hole once more.

Tap tap tap. 

"Amethyst." She followed Garnet to the door. Stood out there again was Steven, wringing his hands nervously. 

"Look I know I was a little insensitive last time. I'm sorry. I just wanted to try and let you understand my side of the story too."

"There’s nothing to know: You shouldn’t have done it," Amethyst said curtly, “and unless you're here to apologise for that, then there’s nothing for us to talk about."

"I am!" Steven spoke hurriedly, desperate to stop them from turning away, from closing the door on him again. "I'm sorry! I never wanted it to come to this, I was just trying to help.”"

"Help? You still think it helped?"

"Well yeah. The code is gone."

"Are you serious?!"

"I'm not going to apologise for that."

"She said no. How hard was that for you to understand?! None of this would have happened if you hadn’t interfered!"

"What? You want me to say 'I'm sorry for stopping Pearl from forgetting all of us?' Or 'I'm sorry for telling her the truth she should have known from the start?'" Steven took a step back and breathed. "Yes, I'm sorry. I want Pearl back as much as any of you. I want everything back to how it was before, but that’s why I did it. She deserved to have her life back."

Amethyst looked at him, then looked around pointedly. "Great job dingus(!)" she snarked, then turned on her heel and disappeared inside.

"Oh come on!" Steven waved at her retreating back, "I apologised didn't I?"

"Steven," Garnet said, "for an apology to be sincere, you have to truly understand what you did, and then you have to be truly remorseful. Right now you are only apologising to justify what you did. You are only apologising to make yourself feel better. You do not understand the consequences of your actions."

"I just wanted to put this right, I just want to put this right!"

"If you really want to make amends, you need to know what you are apologising for and why, and you need to accept that within yourself first."

"I'm not going to apologise for helping."

"Steven, you need to understand: Pearl was not ready. Neither are you." Garnet stepped back. “We'll be waiting when you are."

And with that the door shut behind them once more.

Pearl's senses picked her up from her vacant daze, shivering across her shoulders and pulling her into the present with a resentful glare. Movement. A quiet scuffling then a voice, muttering under their breath.

"I'm sure it said she was around here somewhere." The voice was quiet, gentle, familiar. So much like her own. A Pearl. "Hello, is anybody here?" The call echoed up and down the canyon but Pearl stayed put, arms wrapped tight about herself, waiting for them to leave. "Huh, must be broken." She heard gentle cursing, the huffs and puffs as the stranger fussed about somewhere below her.

"Hello." Pearl froze as the voice came right from the entrance to her hole. "Oh!" the Pearl slipped, feet scrabbling against the wall as she tried to regain her footing. After a moment her head reappeared over the edge, clinging tight as she peered into the darkness. "Hello there!" She called, and almost slipped again as she absent-mindedly went to wave, just catching herself in time with an embarrassed giggle. “Mind if I come up?” 

Pearl watched in silence as this new Pearl scrabbled around to haul herself up onto the ledge, stretching out once she was on firm ground again. A blue Pearl, her gem set in the center of her stomach amidst an almost diamond gap across her midriff, the rest of her covered by long tights and sleeves and finished off with a sheer skirt like so many Pearls wore.

She stayed near the entrance, watching Pearl too as she caught her breath back. "I hope you don’t mind. When they told me there was a Pearl down here I was very surprised. I just had to come and see for myself." 

Great. A tourist. Pearl turned away. Perhaps if she ignored her she would leave.

"There used to be gems down here all the time after Era Three began. So many of them couldn't find a place for themselves so they came here instead: Some were trying to go back to their holes, others were just trying to get away from the life they knew before, or the changes that were going on. But as time passed more and more gems adjusted to the new way fewer arrived, and the rest gradually moved on until this place was empty once more. Until you. It's been months since the drone's picked up anyone. They thought it was a mistake, some error or glitch at first but here you are." She smiled, looking Pearl up and down. "So what brings you down here?" 

"I came down here to be alone," she told her.

"Nobody wants to be alone."

"I do." Pearl kept resolutely staring at the back wall. "Please, just leave me be."

“Wait,” the Pearl came closer and crouched, reaching out. Pearl shuddered and pulled away, retreating to the back of the hole, nowhere else left to go. "Hey, don't go!" the Pearl called softly. "It's okay, I won't hurt you. I just came to talk, see if I could help." 

"You can't"

"Would you let me at least try?"

"You can save yourself the bother: There's no point. You don't want anything to do with me.”"

"Why not?"

Pearl looked up, her markings flaring across her cheeks, forcing the Pearl back a step with a small 'oh!'. 

"I'm broken." Pearl buried her face away again in shame. This was what those gems had done to her, truly. "Faulty." A strange numbness had come over her since the first few glitches as she became resigned to all of this, and they had become fewer and further in between. But the nightmares stayed, tormenting her with her own memories. A faulty pearl, doomed to suffer the past. Who would want that?

But to her surprise the Pearl laughed, a soft giggle, full of musical notes that tumbled over each other with an infectious cheer, and when Pearl looked up she saw she was smiling. "That's okay," the Pearl reassured her, “so am I." She turned her head, raising her hand to tap at the cracks that ran all across her left eye, the shape behind rendered inert, not much more than an outline. "Doesn't stop me!" she chirped.

After a moment Pearl realised she was staring. "Well," she said with a huff, folding her arms upon herself and turning away. She'd seen plenty of gems with injuries before, roughhousing rubys and glitching quartzes but never another Pearl beside herself. They usually kept out of trouble, and were too highly valued to be wasted. "You should probably go get that patched up before you glitch and do any more damage. Better than messing around down here." Or bothering me, she added with a thought.

"Oh!" The Pearl seemed thrown by her words. "It's not like- Well- Oh dear.” Pearl raised her head to watch her curiously. "Well I would but it doesn’t work," she explained with an apologetic smile. "I've already tried it quite a few times."

"Huh."

"Sometimes things aren't as easily fixed as that, and that’s okay.”" She turned, noticing Pearl rubbing over her markings, the damp hints of tears around her fingers. "What about you? Do you want to talk about it?" The Pearl paused. "I can-"

"Please," Pearl stopped her, "just leave me be."

"Alright." She retreated back with her hands in the air. "I'll go, if that's what you want. But I will pop by tomorrow with some blankets at least. It can get pretty uncomfortable down here otherwise."

She returned the next day as promised, gradually bringing what turned out to be a rather large supply of blankets of all shapes and sizes out her gem. Pearl watched silently as she worked.

"So where are you from?" the Pearl asked, carefully folding the blankets into a stack, "before here," she clarified. No answer. "I served on Homeworld for quite some time. Of course Era three changed all that. It's amazing to see what all the Pearls have achieved in the past few years. I never thought I could choose to do what I wanted," she giggled again, a pretty sound, "but here I am."

"Why are you here?"

" I told you, I wanted to help." She brought a blanket over and draped it over Pearl's shoulders, tweaking the edge so it wouldn’t fall off.

Pearl batted her away. "You don't have to do this: I'm not worth it." She glanced over her shoulder at the hovering Pearl. "If you really want to know why I'm here- I ran away, it's as simple as that. It's nothing special. You should go help someone who actually needs it."

"'Needs it'?"

“"Yes." Pearl paused. "Thank you, for the blankets," she said curtly, "but I don't _need_ anything else." Didn't really need them either, she thought idly.

"Are you sure? I can stay a while, keep you company…"

"I just said I don't need anything else. I'm _fine_." There was a pause, and Pearl waved over her shoulder. "I'd show you the door but…" After a long silence Pearl turned to find the other Pearl had actually left. Her stomach skipped, a strange ripple of emotion that quickly passed, and she settled down into her vigil once more.

The next day the Pearl popped up into the hole again, to find Pearl buried under a pile of blankets. "Hello!" she called as Pearl emerged just enough to watch her climb up into the entrance and hover there, not coming any further. "Uh I brought a few things." She pulled a selection of what looked like construction tools out of her gem. "You mentioned about a door, and I thought that although it's a bit tricky to get a proper door with this," she traced the curving edge of the hole with her fingers, "we could put up a makeshift one with one of the blankets. What do you think?" There was a pause.

"I thought you had gone," Pearl said, “after yesterday."

The drill was lowered. "You asked me to leave." The Pearl seemed sad. "I can go if you want me to."

Pearl's face flushed and she turned away. "You don't have to," she mumbled. It had been quiet, those long few hours filled with the repeating nightmares, yet for a change they had quelled each time her thoughts had drifted back to this Pearl, her curiosity piqued. She eyed her warily.

"So can I use this?"

Pearl stayed silent, but made no objection as the other Pearl took one of the more robust blankets and set to work, setting it up across the entrance, humming as she went. All too soon she was finished, the hole even darker than when she began. 

"There, that’s better!" she declared. "What do you think?" A warm glow filled the area, emanating from her gem and flooding the space with light. Pearl turned and simply buried herself even further under the blankets.

"That's okay," the Pearl said, "It'll keep the breeze out at least." She poked her head out the door and paused, turning back to Pearl. "Um, I hope you don't mind but may I stay a while?" she asked, "It looks like there might be some more rain coming and I'd rather not get wet." 

Pearl gave her a non-committal grunt. 

"Thank you." The Pearl set herself down by the door. "You know we can talk if you want, to pass the time."

" I don't."

"Okay." 

So they sat there in silence and Pearl let her mind wander, each thought trailing from this Pearl before her. Three times she'd been down here now, _helping_. Why was she here? Had the Gems sent her? Garnet's emissary come all sweetness and light to coax her out of hiding and back home. Anger welled up inside, bitter and cold. But then again if they knew where she was they might as well have come and dragged her back themselves. Her breath caught, memories creeping into her conscious of them holding her back, pulling her back, holding her down as they forced that device on her, the cold drills biting into her gem. Pearl tried to push the thoughts away, but it was already too late, the memories howling around her mind, swirling into the familiar pattern of lie after lie, deceit and betrayal weighing up inside her turning everything good to sorrow.

"You're crying." The words snapped her back to herself with a jolt, softly spoken as they were. The Pearl was by her side, reaching out, and she pulled away. "It's okay," she reassured Pearl, "you're allowed to be sad." She held out her hand, tentatively reaching for a shoulder. Pearl ignored her, instead brushing her tears off with the end of one of the blankets, not paying any attention until it made contact.

Pearl flinched, immediately grabbing hold of her wrist and pulling it away in one firm tug.

“"Woah, it's okay, I won’t hurt you," the Pearl explained, backing off a little, "I just want to help, if you'll let me."

Pearl bit her lip, her eyes welling up as unwelcome memories flashed to the fore.

_'Believe me, it'll help you more than you can imagine!'_

_'We were just trying to help you'_

"I just want to help." 

Pearl burst into tears, crumpling into a shuddering and shaking pile.

"Oh! Oh no! I didn't mean to-" the Pearl watched in dismay, bobbing and hovering around her. "Oh, what happened to you?" Her words were so full of sorrow and pity and Pearl sobbed even harder. "It's okay I'm here, I want to be here for you." She reached out, an offer to make contact, but Pearl glared up through blurry eyes, watching her with suspicion. "It's okay," she reassured her, pulling back again, "I'm not going to do anything you don’t want me to." She shifted back a little, waiting until Pearl had settled some more. "Look, I don't know what happened to you, but I know that nobody ever comes down here if they have the choice. Whatever brought you down here-"

"Why are you here?" Pearl asked, full of suspicion and stunning the other Pearl into silence for a moment.

"I want to help.”"

"No-" Pearl clutched at her head.

"I can help you."

"Don't!"

"If you just let me help-"

"Stop doing that, stop saying that!" Pearl burst out.

"Why?"

"Because They ‘'helped'!" Pearl cried, dissolving into tears again. 

After no small um-ing and ah-ing the Pearl spoke, unable to stand aside and do nothing. "Can I he-" she cut off under another glare, and took a moment to think about it. She picked up a blanket and passed it over as a peace offering. It was quickly used as a tissue. "May I give you a hug?" she asked tentatively, but Pearl ignored her. "It's the least I can do. It might make you feel a bit better." That seemed to give Pearl pause for thought, but no definitive answer. "Look I know what it’s like to be hurt by those you care about."

"I don't want to talk about it," Pearl threw her a glare, "and I don’t need your pity, or your help. I’m fine," she insisted, but the tears still fell.

The other Pearl crouched down in front of her. "But you’re hurting," she said simply, reaching out and brushing away a tear, "so so much." She shifted, coming a little closer, gently laying her hands on Pearl's shoulders, trying to reassure her, waiting to be told to go. It didn't come. "Look, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, and feel free to tell me to leave, but whatever happened to bring you here, I just wanted you to know you're not alone." She wrapped Pearl in a hug, carefully, arm by arm, drawing out a sob at the shock of contact. "I'm here for you."

Her tears fell, but she didn’t pull away from this strange comfort, so alien amongst her sorrow. She'd been sad before, mourning Rose but then she'd had her friends, her family, to help her, to guide her, to comfort and support her but that was all gone, everything she knew lost to their actions. She sobbed even harder. What else was there? What was this? What had she come to that this small shred of comfort ruined her, burning so brightly in the sheer emptiness of it all?

Pearl squirmed a little, discomfort at the attention as she struggled to process everything. The Pearl immediately released her, giving her enough space to move away if she wished, carefully watching her with a gentle smile. Pearl stayed. She couldn't understand why this Pearl, this stranger was being so nice to her, but the offer of reassurance, of safety was still open, still there, patiently waiting for Pearl to make the next move. She didn't deserve this kindness.

Her voice cracked. “Why are you doing this?”

"Because another Pearl did the same for me." And Pearl cried again, falling into this stranger's arms, held as she sobbed until she could cry no more, and finally slipped into an exhausted sleep.

It was quiet. They would often do this. In the weeks since their first encounters the Pearl would visit, daily at Pearl’s best guess, stay a few hours in simple company then head off again. Some days they would chat for ages, wiling away the hours with stories of fantastic creatures and curious gems. Then on other days they would sit and say nothing, curled up in each others presence just being there and letting their minds wander. Pearl’s early fears that this Pearl would lead others to her, or tell the Gems where she was had so far proved unfounded; no other visitors beside her had visited the canyon, and so she'd come to trust her company.

"You should rest if you're tired."

Pearl jerked awake with a start. "No I'm not," she snapped back at the other Pearl. But it was a friendly jibe, and the Pearl still smiled.

They had reached an unspoken agreement in their chats, the visitor no longer asking Pearl about her markings, and in turn Pearl didn't ask of hers. Instead they talked of planets and plants, gossip and gems, or any other little topic that took their fancy. This Pearl was a curiosity, though gently spoken she always lit up, bubbling away whenever she started talking about fantastic and beautiful alien creatures and their lives, her enthusiasm plain to see. She reminded Pearl much of Rose in this way. She was kind to a fault too, and had never seemed to mind if Pearl wasn’t in the mood to talk, or had been crying, and Pearl often wondered what luck drew her down here. She was a good listener as well, and was always so careful to look out for Pearl, trying not to startle her, or overstep her mark, always leaving if asked. But she would return each day, as promised, saving her from her solitude. They were alone together, and so their days passed in each other’s company, an escape from the rest of the world

"You've been stopping yourself from falling asleep for the last hour," the other Pearl pointed out. "Have the nightmares been getting worse?"

Too often had the Pearl been by to see her when she lapsed into a nightmare, flighty and taut from the memories, always flooded out with tears afterwards. But she always stayed by her side then, to comfort her and keep her company as she tried to settle. They didn't speak of it, though she had often offered to listen. To Pearl it was all still too raw, yet she knew they would fade with time. Part of her had hoped they would do that: fade away completely from her, without a word to worry another of them, but her hopes had been dashed as they had become more frequent and consuming, to the point of taking nearly all her waking moments away from her.

"You can rest here. I'll keep watch if you want."

She knew that too, having slipped off into sleep before and woken into the darkened hours to find herself still in her arms, unmoved from her spot. Stil...

"That might not be the best idea. I nearly caught you with my elbow the last time I- well..." _had nightmares,_ she finished off with a guilty thought. It had been particularly bad, the memories coming so vivid and exaggerated in her mind. She was still a danger to herself and others and was torn between sending her one small point of contact to safety and holding her close. Her company had made it so much easier to forget, for a while at least. But in her heart she knew she couldn’t run forever, toying with a thought she'd had running round her head a while now.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No." Pearl paused. "...and yes." She could feel the other Pearl shift beside her, even as her own stomach did. This was the first time she'd ever suggested such a thing, always deflecting the idea without a second thought.

"It's hard."

“"Yes," Pearl said, uncertain. "I'm not sure if I can."

"It's okay, I'm here," the Pearl assured her, "I can help. Whatever you need." Pearl fidgeted. "What is it?"

Pearl thought about it. " I don't know..."

"You can tell me.”"

"If I tell you, you can't tell anyone," Pearl said desperately, "I don't want them to find me."

"It's okay, I won't. You have my word." Pearl breathed a sigh of relief at that, a few stray tears escaping. The Pearl shifted around so they could face each other, laying her head on her shoulder as she waited. “So what happened?”

_"Pearl, what happened to you?"_

Another memory. Steven. The same questions so long ago.

_"how much do you remember?"_

She forced it away. That was the past. "I'm not entirely sure. I..." Pearl hesitated. "It's complicated."

"It always is."

"No, I mean, my memories, I… I'm missing bits." The other Pearl looked at her in concern. "There are chunks where it just," she waved a hand, "fades out. I can't tell the whole story, because I don’t have it."

"That's okay, just tell me what you know," she said with a smile. "Maybe we'll find a way to help you with the rest."

Pearl smiled. "Yeah." Her resolve grew. "Yeah!" She blinked. "Oh, where do I start?"

"The beginning," the Pearl suggested simply, "or wherever you feel comfortable." 

Pearl thought about it, reaching back, trying to remember.

"It all started on Earth. I… was a Crystal Gem. One of The Crystal Gems," Pearl forced out. As she spoke it became easier, the words flowing through her. "We rebelled with Rose Quartz and fought for the freedom of gems like ourselves, the freedom to be who we want to be... More than just a pearl. Rose could see our potential, she believed in us, she believed in Earth, and all the life there!"

"I fought by her side, not just for loyalty but for love, to free Earth from the Diamonds. But when they struck us down, Rose could only save a bare few of us: her, myself and Garnet. The rest of the gems were corrupted."

"We were left on Earth and made our lives there, doing what we could to protect the planet, and help the injured gems. It was its own freedom of sorts, and I was more happy than anything to spend it with Rose. Then she fell in love with a human, and chose to give birth to his child, creating a half-human half-gem hybrid, Steven, by giving up her gem to bring him into the world. She left the rest of us, Garnet, Amethyst and I to look after him."

"So we brought him up, teaching him how to use his gem powers as we fought against the return of Homeworld and eventually earnt our freedom, and healed the corrupted gems, finally undoing thousands of years of pain and suffering, and ushering in Era three." Pearl frowned, but kept going.

"It was over. There was peace. We were happy." She shuddered.

"What happened?"

"The war was over, but there were still those who could not stand the changes we made, the choices we took, and what we had become. We had set up a place on Earth, Little Homeschool, so other gems could come and find out how to live freely, learn how to understand the humans and their culture. I was a teacher there, with the others, so gems would come from all over the universe, that wasn't anything new. But one night some gems came and I-" Pearl faltered, her hand drifting towards her gem. "They attacked me. It was a planned, calculated ambush. I never stood a chance."

"But what they did... They had a machine that did something to my gem, actually physically drilled into my gem and somehow changed things. It was like they were in my mind, reached into me and-" she scrunched up her hand, a tear running down her face. "They broke me. They ruined my vision, wiping out my ability to see red, and every time Steven tried to heal me it would bring these up!" She waved at her face, the markings flaring up nicely, "except then there were more of them, all over me. I couldn't escape it. Had to get Diamond essence to shift them."

"Oh no!"

"Their idea of revenge, to call me out on my part in the war. They were Gems that hated the fact I had fought in the rebellion at all. A Pearl, fighting?" Pearl said. "Ha."

"By the time the others found me they had already gone. But what they had done had been planted in here." Pearl tapped at her gem. "Healing couldn't get rid of it, and I struggled, not only with my afflictions but I was now plagued by nightmares that threw my thoughts into chaos."

"It was hard, getting my head around what had happened to me then, but the others were there, they stayed by my side, looked after me, protected and tried to help me, even when I was at my worst..."

Garnet watching over her as she struggled with nightmares...  
Steven trying to heal her, trying to stay up to prove to her that she was safe...  
Amethyst showing her the flowers, and hanging out around town...

"At least I thought they were."

"What happened?" Pearl started at her voice, having lapsed into silence.

"I'm not sure, not anymore." Pearl shifted. "One day they turned and said they wanted to go into my gem, into my mind and memories. They claimed that the gems had left some code behind that was changing them, causing havoc, causing this," she waved at her face, "and these nightmares. Or so I thought. They went in, and when they returned they said they'd fixed it, that they'd gotten rid of what those gems had done to me, in here. I thought I was free of it," she said.

A tear rolled down her cheek and her voice quivered. "I was wrong."

Piece by piece she told her of the confusion and doubt as the nightmares returned, and piece by piece she kept finding holes in their story, of the betrayal of finding Sunstone, the Citrine, and finally the confrontation at the beach house, and the revelation of the second device.

"They're my family, the few I would trust more than anyone else in the world, those I hold dearest to me, and yet I kept finding secret after secret after secret they'd kept from me, deception on deception I didn’t know. They claimed that they knew me, that they were just trying to help me, but there was so many lies I didn't even know if they were anymore."

"That's terrible."

"That's not the worst of it," Pearl said. “That device. After I'd managed to get them to tell me about it, they asked if I wanted to use it. I said no," Pearl told her. "And then they used it anyway."

"What?" the Pearl started in shock, then wrapped Pearl up in her arms as soon as she saw her tears.

"Steven kept trying to convince me to agree to it but something happened, something that changed their minds. They turned on me, and used it anyway," Pearl sobbed bitterly, "I couldn’t stop them!"

"You shouldn't have had to."

"They kept saying how it would fix it, how it would fix all of this, but it didn't work! My sight, these memories, these marks, it's all still here, and I don't understand: Why did they do it? What did they do?!" Pearl wailed. "After everything we'd been through together, I never thought they would- No, I never thought they could turn on me like this," Pearl floundered, "but they did it. They actually did it."

"The worst thing is that now all these nightmares... it's them, and everything I remember about them is now a nightmare. And it hurts. It does hurt," Pearl finally finished, tears running down her face before dissolving into sobs, "so, so much."

Pearl started as the other Pearl pulled her tighter into the hug, almost squeezing the air out of her and burying her head deep into her shoulder. "You," she said to Pearl, and faltered, her soft voice quivering with an emotion Pearl hadn’t heard from her. Was she crying? "You stay as long as you need. I’ll be here for you."

Puzzled, Pearl reached up to wrap her up too and they stayed like that for some time, held tight in each others arms.

Steven walked up the beach, his mind working as the sand crunched underneath his feet, making his way to the foot of the stairs up to the house. He stopped, looking up through the window, heart pounding. He hadn't been by in weeks, unable to return until he had apologised, his first few attempts an unmitigated disaster. But each week had made it more and more clear that Pearl wasn't coming back, nor willing to be found, and the lack of news, even from second hand, was digging into his guilt and ever increasing remorse. He owed them this apology. He knew that now. 

But what was he going to say? What could he say, really? The light flashed off the glass and he thought he caught a glimpse of Garnet inside. Was she waiting? She shifted again, turning towards him. Watching.

Blood rushed to his face and he looked down, scuffing at the sand beneath his feet, then kept going, turning and retracing his steps away.

Now she had told her what happened it had become part of their routine too, and now, amidst their usual conversations of foods and animals and flowers, whenever Pearl was willing, if they happened upon it, or broached the subject herself, they talked about what happened, working through piece by piece, trying to help Pearl come to terms with it.

"…but what do I do?" Pearl waved at the air. "I want to know the truth, but at the same time I ran. I ran away from them."

" You needed to," Pearl looked at her curiously, "otherwise you wouldn't have done it."

"I can't even remember what happened, not properly. I know I was talking to Steven, and I was hurt and angry, but nothing of what we said. Then at the same time I remember what they did so clearly..." Pearl trailed off. "I just wish I knew."

"I know what it's like. I lost my memories, in a way." Pearl’s head snapped round at the other Pearl’s revelation, and she explained with a shrug. "After my owner cracked me I was taken away and put under the control of another gem. I have no recollection of those years. When I woke up everything had changed. Thousands of years of history just passed me by. There are so many days I find things I missed out on, changes I never knew happened, a whole shared history lost... I know what it's like to be missing something like that, something absent that however much you try to rebuild you're never quite sure if you have all the pieces or not."

"I'm sorry, I didn't know." Her gaze flickered to the cracks across her eye. Thousands of years... "How did you manage? What did you do?"

“I made a new life for myself," she said. "Moved on. I'm happy enough. But you, you've still got a chance to go back and talk to them, to try and find out the truth, to try and get answers to all of this. I can't tell you what to do, but I think you should." Pearl blanched at the suggestion, hand clutching to her chest. "At least try to talk to them."

"Does it work?"

The Pearl hesitated, her certainty draining away. "I don't know," she confessed, "I never got the chance to find out."

"...why? Why did they do it? Why would they do something like this? I thought I knew them, I thought we were family. I couldn't believe they had done it, but they did."

"But you were so close."

"I know! I thought I knew-" Pearl let out a huff, "I thought I knew them. But I didn't. I thought we told each other everything, then they turn around and do this. I don't understand. How could I have missed this so badly? How could I not see this coming? It doesn't make any sense. Every time I try to understand, every idea, every possible answer I've come up with is wrong, it doesn't fit the facts. Nothing makes sense anymore."

"You want answers."

"Of course I do, more than anything, but the only place I can get them is from them." Pearl hunkered down into her knees. "I want to know the truth, but they kept that from me. Even if I went back and asked, how could I believe them?" The Pearl listened, rubbing Pearl's shoulder in sympathy. "If only I could understand, if I could figure this out..."

"Would it really help?"

"I don't know. But how else am I going to make sense of all this?" Pearl stood and stomped towards the entrance of the cave. "How else am I going to get any peace?”

"...nightmare?" A nod. "Do you remember what we talked about?"

"Of course I did," Pearl snapped, "and I've been trying and trying and trying but it doesn't work! They're as bad as ever," Pearl cried out. “This is ridiculous! I came here to get away from them, to try and get away from this did but it won’t leave me alone, it'll never leave me alone!"

"Remember what we practiced. If you focus on-"

"What's the point? How am I supposed to face them if I can't even face this? This will never go away, no matter what I do.”"

"No," the Pearl confirmed, “it doesn't. But that doesn't stop you from finding ways to cope with it, build past it. It takes time, but you can move on from this. There's always a way forward, even when it doesn't feel like it."

"You sound just like them."

"Really?"

"Yeah," Pearl said, "they never wanted me to give up either." Her face dropped, washing out as memories returned,

_'Stop fighting it! Please Pearl, we've got this, we've got you, it's okay, it's all going to be okay, just please, let it go!'_

There had been such a pain in her gem but she held on, kept trying to fight it, to get it off, to get them away from her, even though the pain tried to take her away from it all. She clung on, desperately trying to keep going.

"Well they had a point." The Pearl's words jarred within her as the memories kept hold.

_'Please, you don't have to do this. Just let it go. It'll be over soon.'_

"You don't ever have to give up on yourself."

"...yes they could tell me what really happened but the last time I was there they attacked me, my gem." Pearl waved in frustration. "How can I go back?! I can barely survive the thought of them, these nightmares, reliving that moment over and over..."

The Pearl reached up and wiped the tears from Pearl's cheeks. " I don’t think this is about how they attacked you."

"But the drills, that thing," Pearl clutched at her gem, "hey hurt me."

"Yes," the Pearl cupped her face in her hand, a thumb tracing over the markings there, "but how much?"

"I'm done!"

"What?"

"With them!" Pearl declared, spinning around to face her with a grin and her hands planted firmly on her hips. "Never going back. Just going to," she waved her hands with a whispered 'poof', "forget about the past, move on, turn over a new leaf. Ha!"

"Are you sure?"

"Never been so certain of anything in my life!" Pearl replied with a flourish, smiling broadly. "Why get stuck down with the past?"

"I'm not sure this is a good idea," the Pearl said.

"It's a great idea!" Pearl bounced back, "I can finally put all of this behind me, focus on what’s ahead, forge something new!" She waved a hand. "None of this incessant worrying about the past, no more constant reminders of what happened: It's passed!" She let out a laugh that, to the other Pearl, sounded all too scripted. "We can just forget it all and start anew! It'll be so wonderful! I mean- just look how it worked out for you!"

The Pearl barely heard Pearl as she rattled on, "...barely remember anything and it doesn't bother you a jot, why I do envy you sometimes. You know there's a human saying: 'Ignorance is bliss' and I must admit I never quite understood it before- where is the appeal in not knowing? Knowledge is an enlightening thing. But now it's so clear to me- why there's certainly a few times I wish I could have used it when seeing some of the mess. A- ah anyway, it’ll be great. A fresh new start away from all of it. Just what I need."

"Are you sure this is what you really want?" the Pearl asked, "to completely cut them off?"

"Yes," Pearl replied, "more than anything."

"Look, I know they hurt you but they were your family-"

"Enough. I'm done talking about this."

"But-"

"I don't want to be reminded of that anymore!" Pearl snapped, her cheery demeanor slipped. She straightened up slowly, oblivious to the startled and upset pearl before her. "Did you know that on Earth there's a mammal that’s semi-aquatic, venomous, and lays eggs?" she carried on as though nothing had happened. "Even nature doesn't follow the supposed 'rules of nature'!"

"They're not getting any better are they?" Pearl didn't answer her, still shivering and crying under the blankets. "You can't hide from this forever. You're hurting and you need to understand why, not just block it all out." Pearl didn’t answer. "It's okay, I'm still here for you, just as I said I would be, and I meant it. We can get through this together, please, just talk to me."

"How can I go back?" Pearl paced up and down. "You were right: It's not the just nightmares, I can get over them, I got over them before, but them, this..." right on cue her markings flared up on her cheeks. It had become obvious over the past few weeks that they were summoned by particularly strong emotions, and talking about the crystal gems had been a sure-fire way to get them to reappear. She still hadn't figured out an effective way to get rid of them though. "They're my nightmare too."

"You were close. You cared about them."

Pearl sighed. "More than anything else."

"That's why it hurts so much, because you care."

"Ugh, if I could just understand why!" Pearl's exasperation was plain to see. She'd come back to the same point enough times, never getting any closer to an answer. It was infuriating. It was tiring.

"What do you want to do?"

"I want to stop hurting like this," Pearl said. "I want to get away from this, move on. I want to stop being reminded of everything that's gone wrong in my life, I want to stop living this nightmare. But how can I do that if I don’t know why I have this nightmare in the first place? If I'm missing the picture? If I'm missing the truth? What if they took that from me too? What happened? What did they do? Why?! I need to know but I can't!" Pearl slumped into the other Pearl's arms, head dropping onto her shoulder. She stroked her hair as she lay there, comforting her as tears rolled down her cheeks.

"Why did it have to be them?" Pearl's question hung in the air between them.

"It's strange:" she said, "the gems that attacked me in the first place, whoever they were, with all the order and change of Era three I can understand them being angry. With the way gems used to treat pearls I can understand them being upset, but Garnet, Amethyst, Steven..." Pearl trailed off, tears in her eyes. "If it was anyone else I could possibly understand, I could be angry at them. But this..."

"Aren't you?" Pearl didn't answer for a moment. "You're allowed to be angry with them."

"What?"

"They hurt you. They lied to you. You said no, and they ignored you even though they were the ones who asked. How could you not be angry?"

"I-" Pearl softened, "I guess I am."

"It hurts.”"

"Yes." Pearl paused. "I just wish it didn't."

Pearl's laughter filled the cave, jarring howls that belted out of her as she rolled around tears still streaming down her face. The other Pearl hovered by her side looking more concerned than ever. 

"What's gotten into you?"

"It's funny!" Pearl snorted, “between the- the nightmares, the attack-" she wheezed, "what happened before and now, after everything I- I can barely tell who did what anymore! It's all just one nightmare on another, one big massive-"

"Pearl, what are you on about?"

"Don't you see it? My memories- they could have taken my memories and I wouldn't know!"

"Those gems?"

"No, Them! Garnet, Amethyst, Steven… Who knows what they really did in there! And they'd been in my mind before." The tears came back, her heaving shoulders turning to sobs once more. "Why did they do this to me? What did they do?" The Pearl comforted her, and it was a while before she settled.

Sorry," Pearl mumbled, "it's silly. I shouldn't have-"

"No. You're right. You don't know exactly what happened. That's scary, not knowing. It can be hard to face, for anyone."

"But it's them. I just don't know what they're capable of anymore. Everything I thought I knew about them, everything we've been through together, everything we did I've been second guessing. I don't know what to believe anymore. How messed up is that?"

They sat in silence for a while. "I almost don't want to know. What if the truth is something even worse than this?" Pearl asked. "I didn't think it was possible, but they proved me wrong before. How can I face that again?"

  
"...but Garnet should know what it's like, she knows how it feels to be deceived like this, and she did it anyway! And then there's me."

"You?"

"I- I should have seen it coming, figured it out sooner: Them going into my gem, the way they acted around me keeping me around the house. I should have known it was all too good to be true. Instead I just bumbled along played like a fool."

"No, don't say that!"

"Why not? It's true."

"You don't know that."

"And you do?"

The Pearl hesitated. "No. But I know that none of this would have happened if it wasn't for the gems that attacked you in the first place. If you blame anyone, blame them at least. You certainly shouldn't be blaming yourself."

"... oh!" The Pearl reached over, brushing a thumb over Pearls cheeks. "Your markings are back." She tilted her head to try to get a reaction from a pensive Pearl. "Want to talk about it?" she asked, cuddling in closer.

Pearl raised her head slowly. "They had a chance, they gave me a chance but he," she faltered, uncertain, "he was so determined to get me to agree to use that device, even after I said no."

"Steven?"

"Mm," Pearl replied her eyes sunken as she stared. "I can barely remember what he said to me, just that I was hurt, confused and upset. He was babbling on something about a Pink Diamond I think, which is ridiculous, I'd know if there were another Diamond." She rubbed her forehead, frowning. "Another thing that doesn’t make sense, another lie no doubt." She turned to the Pearl with tears in her eyes. "Something else I never thought he would sink to. He was always so good. He always believed in the best of gems, seeing their potential even when we couldn’t, being so kind and patient, with such a big heart... and yet he did this, he caused this. The others at least tried to warn him off, even if they did go through with it, but he didn't listen. Not to them, not to me. I didn't think, I didn't know he was capable of doing such a thing."

"It's scary when you discover that someone you thought you knew has another side to them like that." The Pearl hugged into her, giving her a squeeze, but Pearl barely seemed to notice.

"But do you know what scares me the most?"Pearl said. "After everything we've worked for, the Earth, the Gems, our freedom? He ignored me, treated me like I was some thing else, like I didn't know what I was talking about, like I didn't even know my own mind. Like he knew... better." She waved at the hole, herself, everything. "How could this be 'better'?" She paused, then added:

"How could he do that?"

Steven stood in front of the door, ready to knock, but it swung open before he got the chance, Amethyst and Garnet stood there waiting for him. He gulped, trying to compose himself, the disaster of the last few attempts still fresh in his mind.

"I'm-" his voice croaked and cracked, his nerves deserting him as they watched him, waiting silently. He needed to do this.

"I'm sorry. I should have listened to you, I should have listened to Pearl, instead I just did what I wanted, and put her through that whole nightmare again. I should never have done it, and now I can't undo it however much I want, just live with it, and if that's hurting me then it's barely a patch on what it's doing, what it did to Pearl, and I'm so so sorry." Tears streamed down his face, but he didn't sob. He knew this needed to be said. "If there is anything I can do to work towards putting this right for you... I will. Just ask."

"Ugh, finally," Amethyst declared with a heave of her shoulders and disappeared off.

"Steven…" Garnet was there, looking down on him with smiling eyes, her visor gone. 

"I mean it. I'll do anything to try and make it up to you all."

"It's not us you need to apologise to."

"I know. But Pearl is..." He looked up at the sky, imagining the stars beyond and wondering for the thousandth time where she might be, hoping she was safe, and well. "Is she ever going to come back?"

"I don't know," she said simply, "and I cannot guarantee she'll hear you out if she does," Garnet moved to his side, "or me." He started at her words. 

"But-"

"She has good enough reason to be upset with all of us. We all broke her trust, in one way or another. It is a hard thing to repair, and an even harder thing to lose. She's been through so much pain already..."

"Can't we go after her? If we can find her, or get some message to her, an apology, it would help wouldn't it? Then maybe she'd think about returning."

"Maybe. But she's not ready."

"What about you?" He glanced in towards the house but made no other move. This was their decision after all. 

"That depends on Amethyst, and you too. It's pretty quiet around here." She stepped aside, allowing him the clearest view of the room he'd had in ages. Almost since it had happened. His stomach lurched, remembering the way she had looked at them as they'd… he hurriedly wiped the tears from his eyes. 

"Yo, I'm chill with it," Amethyst called out from partway up the stairs, "but only if you're willing to put up with the mess and you finish this level of Dragon Life: Return of the Daemons with me." She waved the cartridge at him. “Boss keeps nuking me on my own."

"Alright." He stepped inside, throwing a quick glance at the sofa. How many weeks had it been? Too long. But it was a start. "I guess I can hang out for a bit."

She could hear Pearl sobbing before she climbed into the little cubby, the blanket that served as the door trying to knock her back off the wall in the breeze. She paid it no heed and headed straight to Pearl's side as she shook. 

"Hey, hey, it's okay." A hug, turning the tears onto her chest as she brought her close, holding her until she steadied, a hand clasping over hers. "Was it another nightmare?"

"No, I-" Pearl faltered, hands shifting over the star emblazoned jacket in her lap.

"You miss them a lot, don't you?"

A nod. "But I can't,"Pearl sniffled.

"Why not?" the Pearl asked. “It was those other gems that did this to you in the first place."

"Yes, but they did it too. I don't know. They said so many things, there's so much that doesn’t make sense... and yes, I want to ask them, but how can I trust them? Even now... especially now." Pearl sighed mournfully. "I'll never truly know will I? And sometimes when the only thing you have left to cling onto is shreds of the past you do just have to move on. I might want answers, but I need to move on. It's time I moved on." She raised her hands and the jacket disappeared. She slumped back, resting against the wall of the hole, staring into the distance. "It's done. It's gone." They're gone. "It's all gone."

"You've still got me."

Pearl turned to her and smiled, giving her hand a squeeze. "I've still got you." She looked the Pearl up and down, so much like herself, broken to the eye but with an unwavering happiness and compassion she felt lucky to have been found by. Without her, where would she be? Buried at the back of a hole still drowning in sorrow and nightmares. A wave of gratitude flooded through her, filling her up so full she had to say something or it felt as though she would burst. "Thank you," she stuttered, "for sticking with me. I'm-" Pearl faltered as her mouth ran dry, markings flashing up on the flush of her cheeks as she failed to get the words out, "Uh! I'm glad here." 

Pearl's eyes widened and she almost yelped in horror, blushing even more furiously at her mistake as the other Pearl looked up at her with a patient smile. "You're!” she hastily corrected, "I meant to say 'I'm glad _you're_ here.'"

"I know." 

With that she shifted her head onto her shoulder and they laid there snuggled together, content in each others arms.

Steven paused the game for a moment. It made a change, hanging out in his room again. But they'd been right. It was too quiet, even though Amethyst had been more than trying to make up for it. Steven had been spending his time tidying up, so at least that way if Pearl did happen to return it wouldn’t be to an absolute mess. It would be a poor impression and another insult to injury if she came back to find they hadn't budged an inch in cleaning whilst she was away, somehow expecting her to do it all. 

If she came back. 

Steven sighed, looking up at Garnet and Amethyst, his mind running back. Amethyst was overcompensating, and Garnet, well it was hard to tell, but they had both been quieter than usual, in their own ways. The unspoken question: They were all missing Pearl. He pondered his controller, then spoke.

"Garnet, I er-" Steven hesitated as they looked at him. "The apology. You were wrong you know," Amethyst inhaled, all but ready to tear straight into him, "I do owe you an apology, both of you, not just Pearl (and probably a fair few others too)- but you most of all. You were affected by this too, it wasn't just me that lost her, you did as well and because of me, because of what I did. If I had never tried telling her you would never have had to use that thing on her. I- I'm sorry." He welled up, sniffling over the controller. "If I had just listened to you... if I had just listened to her..." Garnet and Amethyst shared a look as Steven broke down into sobs. "I'm sorry!" he wailed, shoulders heaving as it swept through him.

Amethyst joined him, trying to comfort him. "Woah dude, dial it back or you’re gonna make me cry too."

He could barely speak. "I'm sorry!" he managed to make out.

Garnet leant over too, there by his side, shifting her visor back into place. "It's okay," she laid a hand on his back, "we know." 

"Pearl!" The voice startled her out of her sleep as the blue Pearl leapt up into her cubby hole buzzing with excitement. Before she could even realise what was happening, she had hold of her wrist. "Come on sleepyhead, you've got to see this!" Pearl yelped and twisted away, yanking her wrist out and thudding against the back wall, her mind flashing with the terror of restraint, the nightmares slipping in as her nerves pounded in panic. "Oh!" The Pearl had her hands to her mouth in horror and stepped back, having realised what she'd just done in her enthusiasm. "Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to-"

"It's okay," Pearl breathed deeply, trying to steady herself, "you didn't mean anything by it."

"No, I should have been more careful. Are you really okay?" Pearl nodded. "Are you sure?"

"Yes. I'll be fine." She waved her away, instead making a show of stretching and waking properly, turning all business-like. "So what were you so keen for me to see that you'd drag me out of bed at this time in the morning?"

"Morning?" 

Oh. Maybe she shouldn't have put that second blanket up. 

Her puzzlement drew a giggle and the Pearl held out her hand again, this time waiting for her. "Come on, there's something special I want to show you. We should hurry though, or we won't have much time to see."

She took her hand and they went flying outside, running along the bottom of the canyons and through the maze, a clear bright sky overhead. Just when Pearl felt her legs would give out beneath her they flew round one last corner and to a stop in a clearing, a flat area of canyon bathed in sunlight. She gaped. She didn't think it could reach this far down. Before she could say anything the other Pearl pulled her into the light and she marveled at the warmth on her skin. "I know you were talking about finding somewhere else on the surface perhaps, or another world without gems that still has its own animals, plants, and even sunsets and I realised we never got to see much of that down here. So I did some searching around and worked out that this happens here for a short while each day. Isn't it nice?"

Pearl didn't answer. Turning her arms this way and that in the glow. It reminded her of home.

No.

It reminded her of Earth. 

Before the tears took hold the other Pearl stepped back, distracting her as she pulled a stick from her gem, a long yellowish (red? Or green?) ribbon trailing from the tip. Pearl watched as she gave a twirl, sending it spinning up and around her, the ribbon flashing in the sunlight as it twisted and flowed through the air. Back and forth she danced, drawing mesmerizing patterns over and over again to a tune neither of them could hear beyond the whistle and occasional snap of the ribbon. Pearl clapped and cheered her on as she danced until she finally came to a halt, giving a small bow. 

"Come on!" she held out a hand to Pearl again, "it's fun!"

"Oh no, I couldn't." Pearl blushed. It had been a while since she’d done any dancing herself, and she suddenly felt very self-conscious, especially after the beautiful display she'd just seen.

"Didn't they dance on Earth? Don't you dance?"

"Yes, but it's a little different."

"You can show me!"

"Oh no, no, I wouldn't want to get in your way."

She giggled, and waved Pearl into the limelight anyway, center stage in this private audience between the two of them, cheering and encouraging her on. 

"Alright, alright," she conceded, taking a moment to compose herself.

Pearl stretched up, arms curling into a familiar pose then down and around, flowing on and off the tips of her toes as she turned, each precise spin taking her forward until she stopped with a sharp lunge, her spear in her hand, the very tip snicking into the darkness beyond the light. She brought it back, linking a series of forms together in a flowing dance against an imaginary enemy, flipping and dancing over the spear, her acrobatics bringing out appreciative gasps and cheers from her audience. She smiled and kept going, losing herself in the thrill. 

A whisper of ribbon brushed along her cheek and her eyes flashed open, and she was there with her, matching movement to movement, the ribbon wand dancing up and over them both even as her own spear darted and dodged between them, weaving in and out of each other in a silent song, coming close time and time again but never quite touching. 

Pearl smiled so freely for her, glad of this strange comradeship they'd found here, so far beyond anything. Here was a Pearl who had heard everything of her as she was, and still kept coming back, unified in gem and experience, an unexpected light in her loneliness.

Overwhelming gratitude flowed through her once more and she reached out, coming closer than ever and the Pearl did the same, their hands clasping fingers interlocking in perfect harmony. With an unspoken word they pulled together in a final twirl, their forms glowing and combining as they began to fuse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: BTW, the urge to make Pearl say 'I'm gay here' was immense.


	29. Perspective

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After fusing, Pearl takes stock of what she's learnt, and lost.

The tall form of Megapearl stretched up past three rows of holes, glowing brightly.

And Pearl remembered.

Their form wavered and they fell apart, Pearl tumbling to a stop against the grey dirt.

"You," she said. "Volleyball."

Her eyes widened in shock. "You remember."

"I know you. How did I know you?" Pearl's eyes narrowed, frowning.

"You forgot," Volleyball explained. "That code..."

"You knew!" Pearl jumped to her feet.

"Wait," Volleyball called after her, "I can explain!"

"You lied to me."

"I was worried for you. We all are." Volleyball reached out as Pearl pulled away. "Wait, I just wanted to help."

"Did they send you? Did Garnet ask you to keep an eye on me?" Pearl scoffed, "What am I saying- Of course she did. She probably even knew I wouldn't recognise you." Her eyes narrowed. "So have you been sending back little reports of our 'encounters'? Telling them how well I was getting to know this new friend of mine? Ugh," Pearl huffed in disgust. "I suppose you told them where to find me too."

"Actually..." Volleyball said calmly. "I didn't." Pearl scoffed in disbelief and stormed off. "I haven't told them anything," she insisted. "Do you really think they wouldn’t be here if I had?" Pearl slowed to a stop, silently listening as Volleyball explained. "They asked us to keep an eye out for you. I think they expected us to report back to them but I didn't, I wanted to help you." She tilted her head. "I don't usually go climbing around kindergartens. They're dark, empty, intimidating places, but I came down here because when that robonoid picked up a Pearl I knew it might be you, and I knew it would be better if I was able to find you first. If it was you. I didn't even know that for sure until I saw you for myself, but I took that chance because I wanted to help you," Pearl started moving off again, "not just because I was asked to. I wanted to." She shifted closer. "Pearl, I know what it's like, to be hurt by those you love,"

Pearl stiffened as the memory flickered through. _'You were hurt, badly hurt!'_

"so do you," Volleyball continued. "You came out here for a reason. I wasn't going betray that. I haven't and I won't. You deserve that much at least."

Pearl turned to face her. "But you lied. Why didn't you tell me who you were? Why didn’t you say I knew you before?"

"You would have kept running. You had already tried to shut out the rest of the world, you had already left everyone you knew behind. You were alone, and hurting. What you needed was a friend, someone apart from what happened. Someone who you could rely on, who could listen, who could help. A shoulder to cry on. Someone who could guide you through this, help you understand, and help you face the truth when you were ready," Volleyball said.

"What 'truth' is that?"

"That you lost memories to the device that those gems put on you, and a lot more of them than you know. It wasn't just those small patches from talking to Steven, or the Citrine. It was your past, everything you knew before you came to Earth, and some more besides."

"That's absurd." But Pearl tensed as Garnet came to mind again, that grabbing hold, her swinging fist flying through the air.

"Is it?"

_"Pearl, listen to me: the code the gems left in your mind has reactivated and it's going after your memories. You have to keep fighting this."_

Garnet's words struck at Pearl's core with ice cold clarity.

_"Pearl, we've got no choice: we have to use it! It'll keep taking your memories if we don't."_

Garnet, _Garnet_ had told her this. In the chaos of everything she'd forgotten. Could it be? What else had she forgotten?

Volleyball's voice filtered through the haze. "You forgot me."

Pearl stayed silent, her mind working furiously, shifting to try and sift over the past to find this pearl. But she had nothing, a yawning emptiness. Well, almost nothing. "Before," she said, "we fused. I- I don't fuse with just anyone."

"Me neither. In fact I haven't fused much at all. You were the first," she admitted with a blush. "It's strange, but good, like two halves coming together to make a whole." Volleyball paused, holding her hands together. "It's hard to forget when you feel so complete."

"You really did know me," Pearl wondered. A frown passed her face. "You could have told me sooner."

"You wouldn't have believed me. After what the Crystal gems did to you, you wouldn't have believed me at all. But that's okay. You had other things on your mind then. But I knew if you were ready to fuse, when you were ready to trust again you'd be ready for this. I just had to help you along the way."

"Wait, was that all this was for?” Pearl immediately turned on the defensive, almost jumping away again, " to try and get me to trust you? To trick me into fusing with you?"

"No! It wasn't a trick. None of this is a trick: I've always tried to give you the choice, the options. Yes, you might have been better off going back to the Crystal Gems and hearing this from them, and yes, fusion was always going to be a good marker for how far you've come -if it happened (and it didn't have to)- but ultimately I wanted to help you, whatever that meant. If that meant you needed time apart, if that meant you needed someone to be there for you as is, without the baggage of the past, then that is what I have tried to give you. And if that meant you wanted to stay down here for the rest of your days without fusing or asking another question about ever going back, then I'd have given you that too. I meant it when I said I'd stay by your side.”"

"You didn’t give me a choice about whether I wanted to learn about this or not."

"Ah," Volleyball blushed, "my mistake. I was planning on telling you later, give you that chance but I hadn't anticipated on fusing so quickly. I don't exactly have much experience with it at all. I just thought the dancing would cheer you up."

"Oh. Well, we'd often use dancing to set up our fusions on Earth. It always seemed to make it easier." Pearl sighed. "It's okay. If you were going to tell me anyway..." Volleyball nodded, and Pearl rejoined her, taking a seat by her side. "So what now?"

"Answers," she said simply. "I can help you get back what you lost. I know who you were. That part that those gems took away: I can give that back to you."

"A story of myself. Huh," Pearl hmmed as well. "Pieces of the puzzle. I suppose it's better than not knowing at all. I didn't even know I was missing you."

"The code was very thorough."

"But you can tell me who I am, these memories, all these moments of my life I've apparently lost. A snapshot of what was."

Volleyball paused. "Actually, I can do so much more than that;" hope filled her voice, "I can help restore the memories themselves, your actual memories!" Her enthusiasm spilled over into an almost grinning smile.

"What?" Pearl said in disbelief, a frown flickering across her face, "that's not possible."

"Are you so sure about that?" Volleyball pointed out. "You already had a taste, however brief it was."

Memories of memories came to the forefront of Pearl's mind: brief glimpses of another place, dark, enclosed, surrounded by red and pain. But she hadn't been alone. They'd held each other and... "Back there," she hesitated, still uncertain, still trying to place these new memories with what she knew. It was strange, as though she knew and didn't know, but it was her, her own viewpoint and her memory. And Volleyball's memory too, eyes looking from both sides. She grimaced, trying to make sense of it. "When we fused..."

"See! You remember now, but you didn't before. You'd forgotten, part of your life, the part with Pink Diamond was wiped away, and almost everything related to that with it too."

"Pink Diamond?"

"That's how we knew each other; we were both her Pearl once. But it took it all away so you didn't remember me. But you do now. I shared some of those memories, through fusion... I gave them back to you."

Pearl gaped in disbelief, but her head was lagging behind. Was it possible? She'd had just a snapshot, but something deep within her knew it was true.

Volleyball explained. "When we fused back at the Reef we shared so much trying to understand, our experiences, our memories..." she gently took hold of Pearl's hands in hers, "your memories, so much of what you're missing... I still have them. And now, because they got rid of the code, I can give them back to you, start returning what you’ve lost." She paused. "Well… part of it at any rate." Pearl pulled away. "You're not going to lose it again."

"Pink Diamond?" Pearl asked.

"She was real."

"It made me forget A Diamond?" She frowned in puzzlement, "why would they do that?"

Volleyball giggled. "Long story- something to do with the rebellion and a shattering I believe," she joked with a grin, but Pearl's face dropped faster than a bag of bricks, and she retreated over to a quiet corner, tucking herself down against the wall. "What is it?"

"You say I can get these memories back but… do I want to?"

This time it was Volleyball's turn to look confused. "What do you mean?"

"What sort of memories would I be getting back?" Pearl flinched and gasped, clutching at her head as flashes of her nightmares started to creep around her. "If I have forgotten, how bad are the things I forgot if I still remember this?" She waved at her gem. "How bad are they if those gems went to all this trouble to destroy them in the first place? Do I even want to know what I've lost?"

"Yes," Volleyball answered simply. "Those gems took these memories from you because they didn't like what you had done, what you stood for, what you had achieved as a Pearl. No, they're not all good memories, but there are good memories too, and they’re all so much a part of you that with them gone you've been barely a shadow of who you were."

There was a pause and Pearl spoke again. "How do I know you're not lying about this? How do I know that this is real?"

"Pearl, we fused. We shared a connection deeper than any other. Do you really believe that what I showed you is a lie?"

"Fusions are capable of concealing the truth from their parts," Pearl pointed out, “I know that well enough."

"Concealing, not changing the truth, and I've hardly had enough practice to do either."

Pearl fidgeted. "They lied about the device before, they said it would fix this and it hadn't, they said it was my choice but it wasn't, they-"

"-said they couldn’t fuse with you whilst the code was still there," Volleyball finished. "Pearl, we fused. I'm fine. The code is really gone, and now that it is you can start learning about your past without risking losing it again, without the risk of losing any more."

"How do I know you're not just making all of this up?"

"You don't. But I have no reason to either," Volleyball pointed out. She paused a moment, thoughtful. "Back when I said another Pearl helped me, that was you. You helped me come to terms with what had happened to me, you helped me understand. When I heard what happened I knew I wanted to repay the same kindness you showed me, whatever it took. I knew it would be worth it, even if I did have to get to know you all over again. Now I can offer you that chance: Now you have the chance to know yourself."

Pearl folded her arms, glowering at the canyon wall. "But," she pondered, "is it really me? Why should I do this and become someone else?" Pearl asked. "No thank you."

"What's wrong? I thought you'd jump at the chance to find out what really happened. You've wanted this since day one, why-" Volleyball stumbled to a halt as she realised that Pearl was on the verge of tears. "Hey, hey it's okay, you don’t have to do this, I was just curious as to why you don't want to. I... want to understand."

Pearl stayed quiet for a while, arms curled around herself and Volleyball waited patiently. "This person I was," Pearl finally said, "he wanted her back." Pearl hugged herself tighter. "I might not have been quite myself but to him I wasn't anyone. Just, 'not her'. If I go back to how I was, then he was right."

"No he wasn't," Volleyball reached out, a comforting hand on her arm. "If you choose to do this, you wouldn't be doing this for him, or anyone else but you. This is your choice, your decision. Whatever you want to do, do it for yourself." After a moment Pearl let out a small grunt in response. Volleyball wasn't entirely sure how to read it but then Pearl looked up, deep in thought.

"Do it for _me_ ," she ventured.

“"Exactly."

She seemed to think about it a bit more.

"I'm still not sure any of this makes sense," she said, "not really."

"But it does. It can!" Volleyball said keenly. “You showed me the route to healing was understanding. But to understand you need the whole picture." She held out her hands once more. "So what do you say?"

The unfusing threw the two of them apart, Pearl hit the wall and slid down to the bottom, laying there as she stared at something else. "How can I have so many memories of me, but none of my own?"

"They were telling the truth," Volleyball explained, "Pink-"

"Pink Diamond," Pearl let out a little laugh, "was Rose Quartz. I- knew that. I faked her shattering. I knew and I didn't know!" she sobbed. "How could I forget that?!"

What else had she forgotten?

"The gems," Pearl's breath caught, eyes widening, "the attack. They were all corrupted, because of us! Pink Diamond, the Diamonds, augh!" Pearl clutched at her head, tensing up as the memories flashed through. There was so much!

A touch on the arm startled her. Volleyball, crouched by her side.

Pearl's hand flew up to her gem. "I don't-" there were tears in her eyes, "how much-?"

"It's okay," Volley reassured her, "let me help you." She reached out, gathering Pearl in a hug as she cried it out.

They were still sat there what felt like hours later. "The gems, they were trying to protect me." They weren't lying. But she'd been so full of doubt. She remembered Garnet apologising, before the punch. She didn't want to, she hadn’t wanted to do it!

Guilt coursed through her, the marks flaring up again dark under her eyes. "They were trying to save me," Pearl cried, "and I ran." She sobbed into Volleyball's shoulder and she held her, comforting her through her tears.

"We can go back. They'll understand."

"No, I-" Pearl clutched at Volleyball, "can't.” She faltered. "After everything that's happened, how can I? They were doing everything they could to stop it and I didn't believe them. If I had just trusted them, believed them just one more time after everything they did for me-"

"You had no reason to. You said no. None of this changes that. To put all of this on you, the nightmares... they didn't need to do it. And you were in a tough spot too. No-one can or should blame you for how you reacted, least of all you."

"But what else was I supposed to think?!" Pearl raged. "The Device, the lies... They told me it was supposed to work after they'd already said they'd fixed it!" Pearl ranted, snapping at Volleyball when she gave a small smile. "What?!"

"You're still angry."

"Well of course I'm still angry! I'm angry at those gems that started this off in the first place. I'm angry at them for helping me, and I'm angry at myself, for not trusting them in the first place. They were only trying to help."

"But it didn't help did it?" Volleyball spoke softly.

"They were only trying to help and I'm still angry. It-" she stopped, and the fight seemed to drain out of her, "it still hurts," Pearl trailed off, looking lost.

"It's okay. Sometimes the people that love us can hurt us even when they don't want to. And because we love them it hurts even more than anything else."

"After everything I've been through why did they put me through that too? How can I go back after that?" Tears ran down her face unchecked, leaving silvery streaks behind.

After a moment Volleyball piped up."You don't have to."

"What?"

"You could go find somewhere else, to make a life for yourself, make new friends away all the worry of this." She brushed her fingers across the marks that were sat cleanly across Pearl's face once more, wiping away the stalled tears. "We could leave. Head off to another colony and start making a new life there." As she talked Pearl's face lightened and cleared. "You don't have to worry about what happened. No-one will bother you. You can start building something new, free of all of this."

"Free? I thought I was free before, after they went in my gem, after they'd lied to me. But it was more than that," Pearl paused. "The terrible thing was I- I think I was happier that way. Without Pink Diamond, Rose," tears welled up in her eyes, but they sparkled, "was so much more. Everything I dreamed her to be. Yes there was still pain, and grief, and the war but everything was so much simpler. I was free!"

"Were you?" Volleyball said. "You said yourself you thought they were keeping secrets from you. You knew, in your own way, that it wasn’t right."

"I know," she said. "I was. They were lying, I just didn't believe they were doing it for my own good. If I had just trusted them, then all of this..." she choked off and buried her head in her knees.

"Hey, don't beat yourself up over this. You were only trying to do what you thought was right, and nobody in their right mind would blame you for that," Volleyball pointed out. "And it was your choice after all. It should have always been your choice."

"My choice," Pearl pondered.

"So what do you want to do now?"

Pearl considered it.

"I don't know."

Back on Earth Steven and Amethyst were having a competition to see who could balance the most sandwich fillings in their lunch. Garnet half watched them from the sofa.

The house filled with light as the warp pad flared revealing Volleyball stood there with a smile, one arm behind her back.

"Oh hey! Volleyball!" Steven said, holding his sandwich in place. "What brings you here?" Garnet stood, watching intently.

"I brought a visitor." She gently stepped to one side revealing Pearl, hand in hers, looking pointedly at the floor. She drew her forward with an encouraging squeeze, staying close by her side. Pearl looked up at the tearful trio stood in the house.

"Hi," she managed. Silence. Garnet stepped out, phasing away her visor and putting an arm out to stop the others rushing over in one go.

"Wait." She stepped forward. "Pearl-"

"I know," Pearl looked to Volleyball, holding her hand close, "about Pink Diamond." A wave of relief washed over the gems, gladdened glances darting between them. "Volleyball explained what happened. I understand why you did what you did, but it was still-"

"Wrong," Garnet finished. "Pearl, we should never have done it. We never wanted to hurt you like that."

"Yeah!" Amethyst added, "but we didn't have much choice."

"That thing should never have been an option," Garnet declared. "We didn't want to use it, we were trying to find another way. We didn't want this!"

"I-" Pearl tensed up. Part of her wanted to believe them but...

"We're sorry. After all you'd been through, after everything that hurt you it shouldn't have been us too." Garnet paused to brush away a tear. "We can't undo what we did, but if there is anything we can do to make it up to you, anything you need of us, just ask. It's the least we can do."

"I-" Pearl's chest felt like a lead weight, her voice deserting her. What was she supposed to say to _that?_

"It's okay, you don't have to do anything just yet," Volleyball assured her, still by her side, arm in hers. Pearl nodded and squeezed her hand.

"Yeah," Amethyst agreed, "but it's good to have you back P, it's been pretty quiet without you."

Pearl shifted uneasily.

"Easy Amethyst, Pearl didn't say if she'd be staying," Garnet said.

"Wait what? But why wouldn't she?" The room looked at Pearl, still clutching hold of Volleyball, her markings resolving onto her cheeks. "Oh."

"It's up to her," Garnet admonished then turned to Pearl. "You don't have to worry about that just now. Stay as long as you want."

"Oh come on, we’ve been worrying about her for weeks!" Amethyst complained. "We missed you Pearl. We were really worried for you, disappearing off the grid like that. After those marks reappeared we didn't know if it had worked properly," Amethyst told her, oblivious to Pearl's discomfort as she ducked her head into Volleyball. "I know it wasn't good that we did it, but if it had failed then not only would we have lost you, but you would have lost most the rest of your memories too. All of this would have been for nothing."

More silence, and for a moment Pearl thought it was small recompense for them to be so worried after what had happened.

"Well, it's good to see you again at any rate," Amethyst finished off. "So, how have you been?" The room filled with gulps and nervous noises from Garnet and Steven at her lack of discretion, fears she might have overstepped the mark, and opened the door to an (entirely justified) angry tirade from Pearl. But she didn't even spare them a glare.

"My memories," she said simply. "There are still parts of my past I can’t remember, not least around the last ten years or so and... more recently. I need to know what happened, I need to know the truth. _That's_ why I came."

"Yeah that's cool, we can do that right?" Amethyst checked the other two, and continued. "How much do you want to know?"

Pearl frowned, thinking about it. "Anything to do with Pink Diamond is hazy," but she'd had time to think it over. "Volleyball was able to update me on Pink Diamond herself, in a way. But anything after that, if it had anything to do with her I still don't know, not for certain. Either I still can't remember what happened, or at the very least, I'd like to know what went on from someone else too. My memories have been shaky enough."

"We can tell you anything you need," Garnet assured her.

"Yeah," Amethyst piped up, "what do you want to know?"

Pearl paused, her hands playing over each other. "I want to know..." she said slowly, "what happened when you went into my gem. Everything that lead to this." She waved at her face, and her markings that had faded to a dull brown flared up, darkening before their eyes as they gasped.

Their reaction irked her. Great, she thought as the markings thickened more, rubbing her nose. Now there was no way that she was going to be able to get them to disappear again.

"They came back again," Garnet stated.

"They, ah, are linked to my emotions, _apparently_." She made it perfectly clear what she thought of **that**.

"They were gone before, going at least. They can do so again. Though they worry you, you do not need to worry about them."

Garnet's words doused Pearl's frustration. She was right. Didn't make it any easier to forget them but...

Her eyes flicked open. "I want to know what happened in my gem," she said coolly, pinning them under her piercing gaze and pulling them back to the task at hand.

Garnet immediately dove in. "Your subconscious self sent out a message asking for our help." She began to tell the story, the others chipping in as she went.

"We got a text."

"-we found out you'd forgotten about Pink Diamond.”"

"-just outta the blue 'Who's Pink Diamond? Hurrgh. Creepy central y'all."

"-we went into your gem to find out why,-"

"-took some convincing, you’d already forgotten-"

"-your thought-space was all broken, disorganized, in turmoil. We'd never know it could sew such chaos inside of you!"

Garnet kept talking, but so did Steven and Amethyst, more and more, speaking over each other until it dissolved into one massive blur.

"-I mean I'd seen it before but now it was like a jigsaw puzzle, but the gaps turned out to be the path to your deepest innermost self. And also where the phone had dropped to."

"-there was like a rebel pearl, and a grouchy Pearl-"

"-a storm it came after us, seemed to go everywhere following us but it was you-"

"You kept fighting everything and I think you tried to kick us out a few times-"

"Steven nearly got squished. I wonder what would have happened if we'd been hurt in there?"

"We'd have been hurt."

"Yeah right."

"Amethyst you lost a finger. An Actual Finger."

"-found our way through to the code, buried deep inside you."

"I found the way! We had to go down one of the gaps we thought had been destroying everything!"

"You fell into a hole and then jumped into a hole because it hadn’t destroyed you the first time."

"-But it was already too late," Garnet kept plowing on over them, a breath of fresh air to cling on to in the chaos, not that it was entirely making sense to Pearl anyway, but she tried, trying to understand. "Your selves had been fighting to keep it at bay, using the disconnect between Rose and Pink Diamond to protect your memories of her. But it was still working away, piece by piece taking away the person you knew as Pink Diamond. We hadn't even begun to imagine what we would find in there, but when we came face to face with that thing, the code as it was taking your memories... It was so huge, so far reaching, causing instabilities within yourself, never letting you get any rest."

"No wonder you'd been so tired P."

"Fighting against that all the time."

"We couldn't imagine the first thing to do that might actually stop or get rid of it."

"It took Amethyst's finger," Steven added, "it tried to come after us."

"There wasn't much we could do. But then you, that part of you that knew Pink Diamond gave itself up, sacrificing your memories of her to protect Rose Quartz, to trick the code into thinking its work had been done- and it worked! The code had settled and so long as you didn’t know about Pink Diamond, so long as you didn't make that connection, you and the rest of your memories would be safe."

"See? She, that part of you wanted us to do this, to keep her, keep you safe."

"We were able to stop it, but it was still there, it could still reactivate. We had time to try and find a away to fix this, but we had to keep you away, we had to."

"-even a mention seemed to be enough for that thing to reactivate, even a bit, take your memories away. That's why you struggled to remember the Citrine, she started talking about Pink Diamond."

"-I had to help you forget, I had to make you forget or it risked setting it off again to go after the rest of your memories.”

“-we hoped we'd find a way that didn't involve going into your gem like that, we just didn’t get the chance."

"-we were just trying to help, just trying to help you get some sort of normality back in all of this. Getting rid of what those gems did to you was just the start."

"-we should never have put you in that position."

"-hey, _I_ said we should give her the choice, I didn't want to have this lumped on her."

"-we wanted to tell you, we wanted to explain all of this but you left so quickly we couldn't."

More and more they talked over each other, dissolving to accusatory argument between themselves, throwing accusations and additional titbits of information in equally beguiling measure. Pearl's breathing shortened, catching up and down as she struggled to process all of this, her head buzzing at the indecipherable wall of information, now just eye-watering noise, even the simplest scraps seeming so confusing, so implausible, to hard to fathom. She stumbled back, slamming against the wall and sliding down, curling into a back with tears in her eyes, only distantly aware of the concerned babble of the others looming over her.

Volleyball crouched with her, waving back the rest to give her space. "It's okay," she reassured her, "you don't have to do all this now if you don’t want to."

"It's just so much... I barely know what I'm supposed to make of it," Pearl murmured back tearfully. "I can barely make sense of what they're saying."

"It's okay. It's a lot to take in." Volleyball tucked herself in beside Pearl. "You know, they can show you, like I did." Volleyball's words surprised her. "It might be a little easier for you, if you think you can manage it." Pearl stifled back another sniffle at the thought.

But she was right. She allowed Volleyball to help pull her to her feet and then looked around. Her attention turned towards the others, her eyes scanning over them, thinking stepped forward and held out a hand towards Amethyst.

"Err…" Amethyst watched her in confusion.

"You said if there was anything I needed you would try to help. Well, I need to understand, see what really happened. This..." she waved at them, "isn't working, but I know something that does." She held out her hand again. “Just like Volleyball showed me."

"Fusion," Volleyball answered. "We shared a lot of memories and experiences when we fused. That can work both ways."

"We shared my memories, these experiences that were part of me: It might be the only way I can get them back,” Pearl turned to Amethyst and offered her hand yet again, inviting her in, “or at least I can piece together what I'm missing."

Amethyst blinked. "Me? Are you sure?"

_"Pearl, I'm sorry, I didn't know, I didn't want this..."_

_" 'Herself'. All it would have taken was one word and I'd have been ready."_

_Hundred of flowers. "They're all for you."_

Pearl nodded, beginning to dance, Amethyst turning and joining her, keeping time with her dips and swirls. They met in the middle, glowing and merging together, their joint form stretching up and up and-

_Bonk_

"Ow!" Opal ducked out the way of the beam. "Woah." She blinked and peered down at the others, waving one of her hands in front of her eyes. "That's strange. Woah." She held her head, blinking a lot.

"Are you okay?" Steven asked tentatively.

"Hmm?"

“How do you feel?”

"I- huh," she tilted her head. "We were on Homeworld. We were actually on Homeworld." Her form faltered and fell apart, Pearl and Amethyst holding onto each other as they unfused.

"Woah, colour. Woo. That was fun-ky." Amethyst blinked a lot more, looking around again.

"We did go to Homeworld," Pearl wondered. "The Diamonds, White Diamond- did we really do all that? Did I really fight the Diamonds? OH my stars I fought the Diamonds!" Pearl's face turned to horror, but Volleyball giggled.

"Of course you did! And you were magnificent!" Garnet surprised them all with her loud enthusiasm, then tempered it with a chuckle. "You've always been fighting the Diamonds, even when you served Pink Diamond, defying their authority in the fight for a better world and proving over and over how a Pearl can be so much more than just a Pearl." Volleyball and the others were nodding enthusiastically in agreement. "And you became just that: So much more. You should be proud of who you are, what you achieved, and wear the knowledge with your head held high!" Pearl blushed as the others cheered, a little flustered, the tiniest hint of a smile turning up at the edge of her mouth.

The smile faded. "But I still don't have that knowledge. Homeworld, I couldn't remember at all. What else can't I remember?" Pearl pondered. "I knew we changed something, but to have done all of that..." She rubbed her head. "How much have I forgotten? I can get the picture but there are still pieces missing. I know I was there, I know what I was so uncertain of now, those patches of blurry nothing- I know what they are now!" Pearl half danced among them, lost in her own thoughts.

"My memories… I can see where they were, filling in the pieces, we've already filled in so much more than I thought I could forget, but there's more. Further back, I need..." she turned across the room, her attention settling on "Garnet." Pearl stepped forward, holding out a hand, but she couldn't help the small reflexive gasp that escaped her when Garnet raised her own.

She lowered it again. "Pearl, you don’t have to do this. We hurt you."

"You were trying to save me," Pearl pointed out, "save what was left of my memories. Yes it hurt! But I need to know, I still need to understand, and then maybe I can get something of what I lost back," she insisted, "not just the memories."

"Only if you're okay with it."

A nod, they danced, swirling together in a glow of light.

"And we have drama on channel one-oh-one today: Two old war mates reaching for reconciliation, but can they hope to forgive each other? My oh my it's quite the story!"

"Hey Sardonyx!" Amethyst waved. "What's going on in that head of yours?"

"I believe this is a private interview." She straightened up and her eyes widened. “Oh my!” There was a flash and she unfused.

"The wedding!" Pearl flustered, "Garnet, I completely forgot about your wedding!"

"That's okay Pearl, don't worry about it- the Diamonds did kinda crash the party after all."

"Oh, OH!" Amethyst bounced closer, half pulling Pearl away in her enthusiasm, " **I** get to tell you all about **_this_** one." Amethyst leant close as they danced, whispering conspiratorially: "The whole day she only had eyes for herself, barely noticed all of the juicy details that going on. Trust me, I get to tell you the fun version." Pearl laughed in bemusement, and they fused.

"Hey!" Garnet pouted and mock-punched Amethyst out the fusion again, "It was my wedding."

"But I bet you weren't going to tell her about Ruby going all cowboy now were you?"

More laughter, and then Opal was back, chirping about old victories, amusing and wonderful snippets of their times together, laughing about Ruby and as much at Amethyst as the horse, Pearl relaxing as they danced back and forth, chatting and bouncing around fusions amongst themselves until they all grabbed hold at the same time, merging together, glowing as they began grow into the giant form of Alexandrite.

"Yeah!" growled one mouth, then the other cut in still halfway complete.

"Wait! Not the house!” she cried, and they unfused with a pop, sending Pearl twirling across the floor, still laughing and smiling as her dance took her towards where Steven stood hopefully, a hand stretched out.

She stopped, her laughter and smiles gone as they came face to face. Behind her Garnet and Amethyst fell silent too, watching, waiting to see how this would play out, watching Pearl watching him, her thoughts barely decipherable in her statuesque state. Pearl pulled back a little, tucking her hands towards her chest and, after what felt like an age, finally turned away.

"Well," she addressed the others, "I never thought I would find this much. I-" her voice quivered, "never realised I had lost so much, that I could lose so much and not even suspect even the half of it…" She looked to Garnet and Amethyst, and even a glance to Steven, eyes watering. "After everything that happened you were trying to protect me, trying to save me and I ran!" The tears came freely. "If I had just waited, if I had just listened then, let you explain..."

Garnet cut her off, holding Pearl before her. "No, you were right to go. We did something wrong, even though we were trying to do right. You reacted exactly as you were right to. You don't ever have to justify protecting yourself. I just wish we could have protected you. I just wish we could have stopped this sooner." Garnet carefully tucked her into a hug, her own tears now joining Pearls. Amethyst latched on to the other side, devoid of words and, after a moment, Volleyball joined them too.

Steven watched, edging closer, uncertainty coursing through him. He reached out, an offer of comfort, but his nerve failed him and he pulled back, waiting as Pearl was consoled by the other gems. After a while they broke off, giving Pearl space to breathe as she settled.

"My memories, Pink Diamond..." Pearl said, still in something of a daze, "that's not coming back is it? Not properly, not the way it was. I'll always be missing bits."

"No," Garnet said, "but you’ve already regained so much, you're not going to lose any more. It’s really gone this time."

"Are you sure? You've said that before," Pearl pointed out.

Garnet thought about it. "Your memories, everything since we did... what we did, you still remember. All of it. Even about Pink Diamond. If it was still there, you'd have forgotten already."

"Well what about my sight, these markings?"

Garnet let out a heartfelt sigh. "Your sight… I'm sorry Pearl. Those other gems damaged your visual cortex when they first attacked you. I could ask Peridot to try and fix it but-"

"No!" Pearl yelped, then blushed, her markings flaring up. She regathered herself. "I mean: No, thank you."

"Thought you might say that," Garnet said, "as for those,” Pearl’s hands flew to her face, “we may have undone everything left by the code, but they’re a sign of something much deeper," she glanced over towards Volleyball, "something more permanent. It'll take time to heal completely, if at all, but given they're tied to your emotions I expect you'll at least find a way to control them well enough, and sooner than you think," Garnet explained with confidence. "Besides they're kinda cute."

"What?! No they're not!" Pearl said indignantly, blushing more furiously as she tried to cover them up.

"I dunno," Amethyst chipped in, "they do have a certain charm, a certain rebellious streak to them. Remind you of anyone?" Amethyst chuckled as the marks grew thicker as Pearl protested. "Wow P, they keep getting brighter the more you deny it. Y'know, if they're tied to your emotions maybe that means you do want to keep them. Perhaps you like them!" she teased.

"No I don't!" Pearl flustered and let out a huff.

"Uh-huh. Doesn't look like it. 'Traitor'?" Amethyst needled, making the marks grow even more.

"Ugh!"

Garnet chuckled. "It's okay, you'll figure it out. The important thing is we're not going to lose you."

There was a pause, and Pearl broke away from them, her face falling.

"I-" Pearl looked away.

"Ah," Garnet hastily corrected herself; "I meant: You're not going to lose any more. Never mind us."

Pearl watched them, each half watching her, nervously waiting for her next move.

"But we do want you back. We've missed you P," Amethyst said, "but we get it if you don't want to. That's cool too. You do you."

"Take all the time you need," Garnet added.

"You lot..." Pearl said, "of course I do." Tears beaded quivering on her cheeks. "I never wanted anything more." The dam broke and she dove into Garnet, sobbing, quickly joined by Amethyst and, after an uncertain moment hovering until he was beckoned in by Garnet, Steven too.

They embraced, sinking to the floor as they held on, finally together again.

They stayed like that until Garnet spoke up. "One in one-hundred and twenty-six million."

"What's that?" Pearl asked.

"The chances of us actually finding those gems."

"Oh. Never mind that then." She looked around the house, her thoughts shifting to the beach and the world beyond.

It was done. No more secrets, no more fighting. There was plenty more work left to do but something new beckoned. Now she had a chance to rebuild. Now she could finally move on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Well, here we are, almost exactly 6 months on from when I started, finally at the end. 
> 
> Thank you for reading: I am always grateful to see your kudos and your comments, even when I have not left a reply. I see you, and I thank you, every single one of you.
> 
> x
> 
> Stick around for the epilogue!


	30. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven brings Pearl a gift.

Tap tap tap. "Pearl?"

The house was quiet, Garnet and Amethyst both out up at Homeschool. Steven traced around the large paper wrapped picture frame in his hands as he placed it beside the temple door and stood back, shifting a little as he waited for a response, desperately hoping he would get one. He was reaching out to knock again when the door opened to reveal Pearl.

"Yes?"

Steven's thoughts skipped away from him a moment as he realised she was once again in her normal room, the bright rushing fountains rising up behind her. Of course, his, Rose's healing no longer brought up the markings, they had gone. Sort of. A small cough snapped him back to the matter at hand.

"I, uh, wanted you to have this," he passed the package to her, and she deftly unwrapped it, neatly unfolding the carefully pinned down paper. "It's not doing much where it is and I thought you might like to have it." Steven watched her. She seemed to have frozen, staring at the picture of Rose Quartz, still half unwrapped in her hands. He began to panic. This wasn't how it was meant to go at all! "Oh! Oh no! Um er it's okay! If you don't want it I can put it back in Lion."

She held up a hand. "No, there's no need for that." Her fingers traced down the picture, delicately caressing Rose's face, pausing a little to take it all in, a distant smile playing around her lips. "Thank you." 

Steven let out the breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding, his mind trying to grab hold of his fraying thoughts in an attempt to gather himself for what he had to say next.

"You know it's strange," Pearl continued, "even with Pink Diamond gone, even with that bond, that link taken from me I still loved her," she tapped at the picture, "somehow more than ever. And I still do." Steven smiled, thinking back to their delve into her memories.

"To know that even with my memories taken like they were, that it endures..." She let out a light hearted sigh, tugging the picture towards her chest. "It went further than that too. My memories of her may have been taken from me, and I'll never get that back, not properly, but I realised I even miss _her_ , Pink Diamond, in a way, even though our lives were so complicated together." Her gaze returned to the picture. "But I'm so proud of who she became. I always will be." She smiled at it, then placed the picture carefully down to one side. Her attention returned to Steven. "Now what about you?"

"I-" Steven gulped.

"What's this in aid of?" The question was pointed but, though she spoke without malice, it struck a needle of shame deep within his heart.

"I want to put things right between us," Steven said. "I want to make it up to you somehow so we can get back to how we were before, so that we can spend time together and fuse and have fun as a family again. I can help, I can give you back more memories if we fuse!"

Pearl stopped him. "Steven, no. I don't think that would be appropriate."

"But-"

"You know what the problem was, and it's not something that can be fixed just like that," she waved at the picture, and him.

Steven stopped, about to speak, then deflated. "I know," he was on the verge of tears, "I'm doing this all wrong again!" He paced up and down, wiping at his face and gathering himself together as Pearl waited, and watched. He brushed himself down and stood before her once more. "What I meant to say is: I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry for what I did. It wasn't right, and I hurt you." He hung his head. "I can't change it, I can't undo it, and I can't change your mind to trust me again just like that, however much I might wish to. It doesn't work like that. But I am sorry, and I want to try and make things right for you again. I’ll do anything; if there is anything you feel I can do to help, just ask."

"You still want to help."

"Yes!" Steven clenched his fists as her implored her, "of course I do!” He froze as Pearl flinched back from him, recognizing that wide eyed flighty look about her that had been all too familiar since the attack, and stepping back to give her the space he'd been edging into. He paused, taking a deep breath and forcing himself to calm down a bit, before continuing. "But only if you want me to. I made that mistake before. I'll never do it again."

She watched him a while. "So if I wanted you to stay away from me...?"

Tears started streaming down his face again, first just one ore two, but quickly chasing into each other as he tried to parse the thought of living without Pearl around. Or rather living without being around Pearl. But he held himself together. He had to. "I would," he affirmed, though his voice cracked. "If that is what you need me to do, I would." He began to shake, a sob breaking through. "But I would miss you. Please don't ask me to."

Pearl stepped forward. "It's okay, I'm not going to." He blinked away his tears. "But there is something you can do." She waited for him to look up.  
"I need a memory," she said. "Just one," she clarified quickly as he perked up. "I want the truth of what happened in the beach house."

"Don't you remember?"

"I remember confronting you and the others, and I remember the device, but before that my memories are hazy. I remember I was talking to you, and I remember feeling angry, but I want to know the truth. I want to know what happened."

Steven stood silently. She would know, she would know exactly what he did to her, his mistake laid entirely bare. Part of him fought to say know. If she didn't know... 

Then she'd be back in the same position that had got them into this mess. 

She'd hate him. But she'd know the truth. He shook. He had to do this.

"Okay. Only if you're sure." He held out a hand. 

"I am."

She took it, their forms glowing, not the full flowing shift of fusion, but enough to share a memory, their selves coming together with a spark around this singular experience.

  
They were back in the Beach house, TV and popcorn left abandoned across the living room. Echoes of argument that fateful evening still echoed around, but there in the center sat Pearl, sullen and pensive.

"Wait, there's something you need to know,"

Steven had stopped on the stairs and turned back to Pearl, watching him carefully from below, "about that code." He glanced over at the temple door and scurried down to rejoin her on the sofa, speaking softly but quickly so not to get caught out. "It's attacking your memories, making you forget. We were able to stop it for a bit when we went in your gem but it could still reactivate with little warning. It almost has once or twice since then. The Citrine was one of them. It's why we have to be so secretive, so careful: the slightest reminder could trigger it off again, any hint of those memories..."

"What memories? What do you mean?" Pearl asked doubtfully.

"Ah! I can't tell you that."

"That's convenient," she deadpanned, "almost like you don't want me to really know what's going on. Still. Is this another one of your lies?"

"No it's not, it's the truth, as much of it as I can really really tell you."

"You're still keeping things from me," Pearl huffed.

"Yes! But I'm telling you the truth about that too! Pearl please, if I told you it would set it off again. You'd lose even more of your memories. We can't let that happen."

"This is ridiculous," Pearl scoffed, "I'm not losing my memories."

"You already have," Steven pointed out.

"Can't have, I'd have noticed."

"Not necessarily. How could you miss something you didn't know was meant to be there? And I can prove it. How many fingers does Amethyst have?"

"Nine."

Steven held up his hands. “See this? Five on each. Gems and humans have the same physiology. Gems have five on each hand."

“So Amethyst lost one at some point. It’s no surprise. She can be a bit careless sometimes.”

“But how?” Steven pointed out. “You’ve known her almost all her life, how did she lose the finger?”

“I…”

“Do you remember her with ten?”

Pearl started to reply, then frowned. “Steven…” she huffed.

“You don’t, because the same piece of code that took it took your memories of it too.”

“This is silly. She probably lost it during her messing around, or forgot to keep it when she shifted or reformed. It’s happened before: She forgot her other eye once. That made for an inconvenient fusion.” Pearl snapped back to herself. “But that doesn’t mean it’s from this apparent code. 

“You still don’t believe me? Then what about you?” Steven asked. "Are you really so sure about your memories? Isn’t there anything, any part of your life that doesn't make sense anymore? That seems to be missing however much you try to think about it?" Pearl seemed to freeze up a little. "There is isn't there?, something you just can't explain."

"What? No, I-"

"See? That's what I'm talking about. This is real Pearl.”

“I never said that.”

“But you can feel it.” Steven said. “Think about it: who were you before the rebellion?"

"I- I wasn't anyone." Pearl shifted, her hands playing over each other.

"Yes you were. A Pearl that belonged to no-one? You know Homeworld. How likely was that, really?" 

Pearl couldn't answer him. "The Rebellion.” He continued. “You had a whole life before that, you belonged to someone,-”

“No!”

“-you knew that but that code, that thing, stole it all away. Those gems took her away from you."

"It can't be." Pearls fingers traced down her face, trailing from her gem to her cheeks, and down towards her mouth.

"Lost. Memories. What else do you want to risk losing? We have to stop this before it goes any further. You have the power to do that. Please,” he begged, “let us fix this.”

"So can this device get them back?"

"Not exactly” Steven admitted, “but it can stop you losing any more, far better than leaving it."

"Hmpf.” Pearl stood and walked away before answering. “No. I think you’re just telling me this to get me to say yes. I won’t do it Steven.”

“What? No! It’s real, they’re trying to destroy your memories, take them away! We can’t let that happen!”

“I only have your word for that, and I still have my doubts. It sounds all very fanciful. Gems coming after me to get rid of my memories of my owner?” She dismissed the idea with a curt laugh. “I think you’ve been watching too many of those movies of yours Steven.”

“I swear, I’m telling the truth. Pearl you got to believe me!”

“Why? It makes no sense.” Pearl said.

“But-“

“Answer me this Steven: If this thing is going after memories of this apparent owner of mine, and I've already forgotten everything about them, why would it, this ‘code’ come back? If I've forgotten everything about her, what else could I lose?"

"I can't say. I can’t tell you. I’ve already said so much.” Steven begged her, “Please Pearl, this can fix this if you just say yes! Please, just fix this."

"Why? I fought in a Rebellion for freedom. Even if this ‘owner’ is gone from my memories, then good riddance! It means I am free!" Pearl laughed. "A Pearl who belonged to no-one!" She declared. "Why would I change that?" 

"You have to. We have to stop it before it takes more of your memories."

"Why? Why would it do that, why would I need to? Tell me."

"I can't. I want to, but I can't."

"Then how can I believe you?"

"Pearl it doesn't just stop at the memories from then. Anything that's linked will set it off again. It could pop up at any time, just like it did with the Citrine." Steven explained. "If you don't believe me Pearl, just think about it. Are there any other memories you think you should have but don't, things in your life that don't make sense?"

Pearl started as though to speak then hesitated, a hand drifting up towards her mouth.  
  
"You have noticed it!" Steven realised, jumping on the moment. "It's because you're missing a part of the bigger picture. Because this is trying to keep your past away from you." Pearl was frowning. "Go on, tell me and I can show you what’s missing, I can prove all this true!"

Pearl slowly looked up and around. “This.”

It was Steven’s turn to look confused. “The Beach house?”

"This planet. The war.” Pearl paused. “I used to be so sure of it but now I…” Her eyes focused in on him. “Why are we here, on Earth? How did we win?"

"You don't remember?" She shook her head.

"In the Rebellion, we were always fighting Homeworld soldiers until the corruption came, then it was just the three of us left just doing what we could. Even now we're hardly a force to be reckoned with. I remember that Homeworld was coming for us, coming for the cluster and then... Then we're in Era three. What happened?"

"Um..."

"There are pictures on the wall I have no recollection of even though I'm in them. Why?"

"Oh." Steven closed his eyes. "The Wedding."

"Ruby and Sapphire. I can't remember any of it." Pearl fidgeted. "How did we get from there to here? It doesn't make any sense."

Of course. They found out about Pink Diamond. Everything they had done then was because of that. No wonder she couldn't remember. His stomach lurched as he realised she was missing such an important part of their life. He hadn't thought about that. But then Pink Diamonds actions were still having an impact long after she was shattered. He took a moment to think. There had to be some way to tell her.  
"You lost your memories of that too, but I can explain. Blue and Yellow diamond attacked." He told her. "They came for the cluster, and us. But we held them off, and I talked to them, I managed to get through to them. Then we went to Homeworld and got through to White Diamond too, convinced them to come and heal the corrupted gems. They changed their minds."

"Well that's hardly likely." Pearl said simply. "They’re Diamonds. They don’t change their minds just like that, and they would hardly talk or listen to someone like you. What really happened?"

"It's the truth!"

"I highly doubt that. Diamonds only listen to Diamonds." She paused, brow furrowed in thought, and glanced at him. His stomach dropped. Not him. His gem. "Unless there was another diamond." She paused, tapping against the woodwork, tracing out a half forgotten shape. One, two, three…

Four.

She looked at him. "Pink Diamond."

Oh no. 

Steven froze. She didn’t know, she couldn’t know!

And yet…

She winced, rubbing her head a little. "Four Diamonds. The Citrine.” She realised. “Was it really a prank? She exists."

"Not anymore. She died." Steven watched her carefully. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine.” She didn’t seem too bothered, just frowning slightly. “Did I know her then?"

"You were hers." He paced around her.

"Ah. But I'd forgotten." Her frown deepened, eyes closing against the ripple of pain.

"You barely remembered that Citrine." Steven pointed out. Pearl let out the tiniest of grunts, hand flying to her head. Steven faltered. He’d seen this before. He came closer. "Pearl, it's trying to get rid of the memories again. You need to forget this. Forget all of this."

"Hmm. Why? If it's gone why keep it a secret?" Pearl looked up at him. 

"Because it'll keep taking it from you. Every time you remember it doesn’t stay, it won’t stay, not as long as that thing's still inside you. It just takes them away again. But we can stop it, that device, it can break the cycle if you choose to use it!"

She shook her head and walked away, standing in silence for a while, thinking. "Curious.” Pearl turned to watch him, head tilted. “You said she'd died. Strange choice of word: Gems shatter, not die but... Rose died. She gave her gem to you.” Her eyes narrowed. “You, Rose..." Her gaze drifted to his gem. "Pink Diamond." A small gasp sent her hand flying to her gem.

"No don't, she's not, she wasn't!" Steven tried to backtrack. "It's not true, Pearl don't listen to this!"

But she had pulled out a small pamphlet, her fingers tracing over the quadrant diamond symbol on the front and the four figures in front of that: yellow, blue, white, and Steven. “Only Diamonds would listen to Diamonds. But how? Ah!" She lurched forward, clutching at her head. "This doesn't make any sense! Rose…" She gasped.

Steven looked around. “Listen, we don’t have much time. Rose was Pink Diamond.” Steven confirmed. “You knew that once, you brought her to Earth, showed her everything good about it and ran away together, becoming Rose quartz and starting the rebellion. You hid her identity all those years, faked her shattering and stayed by her side until she gave up her form to give birth to me. You lost her, but you still looked after me, still kept her secret until the Diamonds started returning, threatening the Earth and you figured out a way to show me. You were so brave… and it worked! I was able to talk to the Diamonds, I was able to change their minds. Era three: We won. We brought peace to the galaxy.”  
Pearl stifled another grunt of pain, and he glanced up nervously as her gem shimmered in a throbbing glow.

“You were amazing and you have no idea just how much I’ve wanted to tell you this, tell you all of this, but now it’s hurting you. Those gems didn’t want you to know, they hated the thought of a Pearl that could stand up for themselves, of a Pearl who they thought had betrayed their owner, so they took her from you.”

“Pink Diamond is gone.” Pearl murmured in a daze.

“But this code they left behind wants to keep going, it wants to take everything else from you because of this!” Steven planted a finger on his gem. “I won’t let that happen!”

“NO!” Pearl lurched back “This is ridiculous.” She grunted. “This can’t be right.” 

"Pearl, listen to me: you wanted the truth but you'll forget and keep forgetting. It'll keep trying to take your memories. But you can stop it, you just need to use the device, just- just say yes and we can sort all of this out."

"What?" She laughed, half hiding another groan of pain. "You still want me to use that thing?"

"Yes!” 

"After everything you’ve lied about? Can’t you see how ridiculous all of this sounds? It's not possible. You're a human and I...” Pearl groaned again, batting away another pang of pain behind her eyes. “I'd have never been assigned to a Diamond."

"Pearl please, it's real, don't you understand? Can't you feel that? Everything I've been telling you is the truth, I thought you would see that!" Steven begged her. “You have to do this, you have to use the device or you’ll lose your memories of Rose, of me too! It’s already started. Please, we can fix this, we can stop this, just say yes!”

“I don’t have to do anything Steven. I’m perfectly capable of making my own decisions.”

“But you do, there's no time. Don’t you understand? Even now it’s going again, even knowing is hurting you, the code's reactivating, making you doubt, trying to make you forget again… You’ve got to fight it Pearl! Think about this: We can prevent it from going any further, stop it from taking any more of your memories, finally get rid of this nightmare those gems foisted upon you. You can finally start to heal without any of this hanging over you anymore. Please, you just have to let us do this!"

"It's just more lies.” Pearl narrowed her eyes at him. “To get me to do what you want again. I said no.”

“No, NO! It’s the truth, all of it, you have to see that, you have to believe me, Pearl…” Steven kept desperately trying to convince her, grasping onto to her and almost shaking her in his desperation. 

_No, no! I didn't want this._ His thoughts flickered in unbidden, tangled in the turmoil.

“It can’t be.” Pearl snapped, then almost doubled over, letting out a cry of pain that echoed through the house and left her gasping and stumbling away from Steven with her hands to her head. “It’s not possible.”

"It's real, Pink Diamond, Rose, Homeworld, everything! And we can put it right, we can prove it you, you just need to let us use it! Just let us fix this!"

_Please Pearl, just forget this, just forget all of this._

Steven watched as he was sent flying way from her, sounds fading as Garnet and Amethyst took over, trying desperately to convince Pearl that it wasn’t real, to undo all the damage to give her the chance to forget again. But it didn’t work. She was still hurting.

_I just wanted to fix everything._

It was already too late. He tried to help, tried to comfort and reassure her as they… well, but she was almost wild, fighting against it every step of the way, all reason long since fled in the face of this attack.

_I couldn't heal you._

He crouched over her, laid out cold on the sofa. It had taken far too long for her to surrender into the stillness away from all of this, fighting against the device for as long as she could. They had all seen the marks fade away without aid, their one piece of consolation in all this. Garnet and watched, barely speaking to him beside the curt instructions, cold flashing glares speaking of their thoughts. He reached out, applying his healing spit directly to her gem, watching the damage fade away. The marks really had gone. It had worked, but at a cost none of them wanted.

_I just wanted to put everything right._

The darkened cloudy folds of his mothers room and his shadowy double disappeared as he heard the distant sounds of a crash from outside and loud thuds against the door. Pearl! The door wouldn’t budge, and he cursed to himself, pounding and throwing himself against the door. He’d retreated in here to try and make sense of it all, harried away from helping keep watch by the others. It took him longer than he’d have liked to think of using his healing powers on it to escape, and chase after the other gems upstairs.

But she had already gone.

Please come back.

The memories flashed through; The Beach house, Amethyst shouting at him as he stubbornly kept trying to justify his actions; Garnet watching him through the glass, waiting for him to come to his senses; him sat on the bench up at Little Homeworld watching the warp for hours on end, his heart jumping and fading away each time it activated.

Please come back.

Steven pulled away, staggering back as he dragged his hand out of hers, retreating from the part fusion with tears dripping down his cheeks. Pearl seemed to barely notice, still stood there deep in thought. 

"Well," Pearl finally spoke, commenting as though she might speak of the weather, or a poorly executed play. "That was interesting." She barely looked at him, still turning her hand over as though It had given her the memory she'd just seen. "Thank you for being honest with me." 

And with that she picked up the picture and disappeared into the temple, leaving Steven watching door, wallowing in his thoughts. 

She hated him. How could she not? He'd done everything she'd asked him not to, he'd ignored Garnets warning and blabbed her into danger and into a new sort of hell. Now she knew everything she would never want to talk to him again, and he wouldn't blame her for it. 

He couldn't help it and sobbed and cried there in the nearest silence before the temple door. She was here, she was back, something he had so desperately wished for and yet she was so far away still. He really had lost her, and now he was here to see her again and again, and she would be so distant. It hurt, the thought of no longer having the close relationship they had had. She had cared for him so much and he gave her this… She had cared for him like a son and he’d turned round and betrayed her, hurt her more than anything else. Because this pain he was feeling was hers too, and much more. He wept again. He hadn’t realised it could be so hard, and yet he would have to bear it. He had promised Garnet, he had promised them he would do anything to put this right, and if being left aside by Pearl like this, bearing the pain like this was what he had to do then he would. He had to live with it, for her. 

This is who he was to her now.

The Traitor.

He stopped, his thoughts abruptly derailed away from his wallowing self pity, snuffed out with an unexpected flicker of warmth. Hope? But what was there to hope for from a traitor? She had shown him as much herself. His thoughts flickered back to her return, dancing around until she saw him, those markings flaring up as she stopped at him.

Then he realised. She hadn't. Not this time. 

They'd appeared, the accusations, warning signs every time she was frustrated, defensive, afraid, an unspoken sign of her innermost thoughts and emotions. Ever from that moment she'd stepped away from him, her refusal, he'd seen it more often than not. It had been useful at times, knowing when they were making her feel uncomfortable, yet with it so tied to her emotions she had struggled to feel comfortable in their continued existence too, unable to heal them away. Garnet believes they are echoes, similar to Volleyball's cracked eye, although at least this time the fraught trip to the Reef was unnecessary.

But right here, right at the moment where Pearl was seeing the betrayal that had caused her such suffering anew, when she was face to face with him, the person who'd set all of this off, The Traitor, they hadn't flashed up once.

Could it mean...?

Hope rose within him. Perhaps there was still a chance their relationship could still be rebuilt, forgiveness found. Perhaps they could get through this too in time, finally put all this behind them and move on.

He clung onto the thought, worth more than all the pictures in the world. It wasn't much, but it was a start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here we are, exactly six months on from when I started writing, the story is Complete!
> 
> A huge thank you again to all you readers!


End file.
